Son changing with Mum at gym swimming

[tailspin21]

Firstly, I know IABU posting in this section when it's not technically but I could really use impartial opinions and I know this is one place I can get them!
So, the conundrum. DS is 8, coming up 9 years old. We go for a swimming lesson twice a week, the pool is attached to a local gym. The men's changing room is one side of the pool and the women's is the other, so they're not side by side. Hubby can't (or won't - different thread!) come with. I am very conscious that women are changing in there - there are cubicles and DS always gets changed in a cubicle, but not every woman does not should they have to. My question is how much longer before he really needs to be going into the men's? I'm becoming increasingly aware but what is the magical cut off?! On the one hand I don't want him making other women uncomfortable. On the other, as an 8 year old alone in the men's changing room he's vulnerable himself. Am I overthinking? When should he be making that move? He's not always the most sensible but is generally not completely daft!

Honestly, I'd recommend that any mums of girls who are seeing this frequently campaign to have women and girls-only sessions, and a good lot of them. It seems that the only way to ensure their spaces will be their own is to refuse to allow men and boys onto the premises. Which isn't what anyone wants, but there we are.

I'm thankful that I have access to adult-only sessions where I swim, so I don't have to deal with this. But I'm an adult woman, whereas young girls have literally no recourse other than to stay at home.

Are there cubicles in the men's too? If you are worried then just tell him to use a cubicle and lock the door? The men's is the appropriate place for a boy who is already too old for the women's. Doesn't he use the men's loo if you are out?

Like I said, DS went in alone at six and I just waited outside. The room is not going to be full of a group of pedophiles, there should be other men to look out for him.

Obviously when the boy reaches teenage years they could use disabled facilities if they are unable to go into the male changing rooms alone
No they can't!

Accessible facilities are not there for anyone who doesn't want to go in the men's, just like the female changing spaces are not there for anyone who doesn't want to go in the men's.

Why is the responsibility for male pattern behaviour always always tell other marginalised groups to budge up and make way?

Feed back that there's a demand for unisex changing. Feed back that there is a need for family changing spaces. Change gyms/pools to somewhere that has the facilities you want. Don't tell women and people with disabilities to budge up.

The cut off is usually 8.

Haven’t read the whole thread but completely agree with @ImUninsultable. Girls deserve privacy and dignity. For those that say they wouldn’t mind this boy in the female only changing room: have you ever considered how this might affect women and girls from certain religious or minority backgrounds? Some of these women and girls would very possibly have to stop going to the pool/ take swimming lessons (and thus not learning a literally life saving skill!) because using a changing room with an over 8 year old boy being there, would be completely out of the question for them. It’s sad that there seems to be so little consideration for that by so many posters here.

Accessible facilities are not there for anyone who doesn't want to go in the men's, just like the female changing spaces are not there for anyone who doesn't want to go in the men's.

I also don't think that there's a forum anywhere in the world where men are debating how they can make men's changing rooms safe for their sons and other boys. Why do they always get a pass?

@Instagram

Eventually changing rooms will all be updated to be more accessible and appropriate. Until then I am sure each and every mother will do what they feel they need to do to keep their children safe. Whether that be stating their child is non-binary or disclosing a younger age. People objecting obviously have little understanding and compassion of those more vulnerable than themselves. Life should provide equal opportunities to everyone with safety being a priority. If girls feel uncomfortable they can use a cubicle. They should be told the reason why a boy is in the changing room is to keep them safe. Obviously when the boy reaches teenage years they could use disabled facilities if they are unable to go into the male changing rooms alone.

Obviously when the boy reaches teenage years they could use disabled facilities if they are unable to go into the male changing rooms alone.

Nicking one set of facilities not designated to them just isn't enough, apparently.

I just used to go in family change.

To the PP who took her son into the men’s how did that go?! My friend did that (I was quite shocked tbh) and the men in there went mad and complained about her. Really don’t think that’s the solution!

Girls are already less likely to take part in exercise than boys.

@PleasantBirthday

Accessible facilities are not there for anyone who doesn't want to go in the men's, just like the female changing spaces are not there for anyone who doesn't want to go in the men's.

I also don't think that there's a forum anywhere in the world where men are debating how they can make men's changing rooms safe for their sons and other boys. Why do they always get a pass?

Nope. I posted earlier on about this - my dad used to take me and my little sister swimming. His response to this dilemma was just to send us both in there alone and have me look after her (I was 6). Granted, the womens' facilities are the safe ones, but it would never have occurred to him for a single second that there was any issue with allowing two much younger children than being discussed here to fend for themselves.

I wouldn't go so far as to say that men don't care, but they surely don't have to. We do all the work for them.

@LolaSmiles

Obviously when the boy reaches teenage years they could use disabled facilities if they are unable to go into the male changing rooms alone No they can't!

Accessible facilities are not there for anyone who doesn't want to go in the men's, just like the female changing spaces are not there for anyone who doesn't want to go in the men's.

Why is the responsibility for male pattern behaviour always always tell other marginalised groups to budge up and make way?

Feed back that there's a demand for unisex changing. Feed back that there is a need for family changing spaces. Change gyms/pools to somewhere that has the facilities you want. Don't tell women and people with disabilities to budge up.

The quote says unable to go in alone. A boy over seven or eight would only be unable to use the men's alone if they had a disability so the disabled would then be appropriate.

@LaBellina but surely that would apply to the posters who are arguing that the mum should go in the men's changing room with their DS. I assume that would be against their religion too (even more so if they were possibly going to see naked men)

It is possible to be discrete in a changing room and most mothers and their children can be trusted to manage the situation appropriately.

Mums often have multiple kids and possibly a buggy so can't make sure all kids are nearby. What often happens is she gets changed in a cubicle and the child who is outside ends up getting into mischief looking under doors etc.
I personally don't care but the child version of me would.

Can you honestly say that an 8 year old boy isn't going to see a female classmate and want to wander over and say hi? My son at that age would point out a classmate or wave.

I think that as OP goes to a private gym, it would be reasonable to request that a member of staff is in the changing room after the kids session (I'm assuming there are not hours of lessons a day)

So ladies get ‘ladies only’ swimming sessions, numerous celebratory days for females. What do boys get? Will they not end up resenting girls!
It’s like how domestic violence against males is under reported. The rise in a decline in mental health in young boys.
Would girls go in the male changing rooms unattended at eight 🤔

@Instagram

So ladies get ‘ladies only’ swimming sessions, numerous celebratory days for females. What do boys get? Will they not end up resenting girls! It’s like how domestic violence against males is under reported. The rise in a decline in mental health in young boys. Would girls go in the male changing rooms unattended at eight 🤔

Wouldn't a Dad with an 8 year old girl send her to the womens?

I quite often had men with little girls, ask me if I'd keep an eye out for their little girl as I went with my kids to sort them out.

Would it be feasible to see a man with boys of the same age, and ask the same?

Obviously when the boy reaches teenage years they could use disabled facilities if they are unable to go into the male changing rooms alone.

I read this as @Instagram saying this because a teenager who was unable to use the men’s changing rooms alone would have a disability. She said “unable to” not “doesn’t want to”. A teenager without a disability can use the men’s changing rooms alone.

@Instagram

So ladies get ‘ladies only’ swimming sessions, numerous celebratory days for females. What do boys get? Will they not end up resenting girls! It’s like how domestic violence against males is under reported. The rise in a decline in mental health in young boys. Would girls go in the male changing rooms unattended at eight 🤔

Ladies get ladies-only swimming sessions because that seems to be the only way of keeping boys out of their spaces.

If boys grow up resenting women because there have to be ladies only sessions to protect women from men, and because women get "numerous celebratory days" (such as...?) then that's a sad indictment of their mindset, honestly.

Lots of places dont have disabled facilities.

This is absolutely true about men not having to worry about these issues. It would be a start if leisure centres could at least ensure changing supervision in the men's changing room by two male attendants during times when young children are most likely to be using the pool, like after swimming lessons. At least then there would be some known safe times for boys to go in unaccompanied. Or, dads from the swimming classes could organise amongst themselves to take it in turns to attend and supervise changing. They won't though.

@shreddednips

This is absolutely true about men not having to worry about these issues. It would be a start if leisure centres could at least ensure changing supervision in the men's changing room by two male attendants during times when young children are most likely to be using the pool, like after swimming lessons. At least then there would be some known safe times for boys to go in unaccompanied. Or, dads from the swimming classes could organise amongst themselves to take it in turns to attend and supervise changing. They won't though.

Yeah but @shreddednips someone will be one here any second to say that there was once a pool lifeguard who was convicted of assaulting a child in 1963 in Bulgaria so there is still a risk!

Wtf are you even on about Instagram? What has any of that got to do with anything?? My issue is child safety end of, not “ poor men they can’t have anything” just for the record!

If its swimming lessons the male changing room will be full of families.

He does not belong in the women's changing room at that age.