Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son changing with Mum at gym swimming

999 replies

tailspin21 · 28/10/2021 08:25

Firstly, I know IABU posting in this section when it's not technically but I could really use impartial opinions and I know this is one place I can get them!
So, the conundrum. DS is 8, coming up 9 years old. We go for a swimming lesson twice a week, the pool is attached to a local gym. The men's changing room is one side of the pool and the women's is the other, so they're not side by side. Hubby can't (or won't - different thread!) come with. I am very conscious that women are changing in there - there are cubicles and DS always gets changed in a cubicle, but not every woman does not should they have to. My question is how much longer before he really needs to be going into the men's? I'm becoming increasingly aware but what is the magical cut off?! On the one hand I don't want him making other women uncomfortable. On the other, as an 8 year old alone in the men's changing room he's vulnerable himself. Am I overthinking? When should he be making that move? He's not always the most sensible but is generally not completely daft!

OP posts:
MrKlaw · 28/10/2021 12:00

Poolside facing unisex cubicles work for us. I think they’re normally for family use as they’re pretty big inside - enough for two of you with a shower and changing bit. And once you no longer want to be sharing you can send them in on their own as you can wait outside and there is no hidden area etc

Brefugee · 28/10/2021 12:00

yes but transwomen don't feel safe in the men's changing room. So i will assume you're ok with them in the women's?

I expect girls to be able to go in a girls changing room and not be confronted with a boy over 8.

Bumblenums1234 · 28/10/2021 12:01

I vividly remember going into the men's changing rooms with my dad as a young child. I hated it! I think o was sent in to the ladies on my own from about 6 as I moaned about it so much.

I didn't want to see naked men and boys everywhere and there were only a few cubicles so many had no choice than yo change in the communal bit. I assume most young boys feel the same in the women's changing areas.

Let him go into the men's but send him in with a rape alarm if you are worried about him being unsafe.

Beautiful3 · 28/10/2021 12:01

We had this same predicament. My husband took the 8 year old daughter swimming. She didn't feel confident going into the ladies, so went into the men's changing room. Afterwards she said she didn't like getting changed in there, so wouldn't go again unless mummy goes too, to take her into the ladies.

nanbread · 28/10/2021 12:01

Not all pools allow poolside changing. Especially at the moment. It's straight out and into the changing rooms so it doesn't get too crowded.

Brefugee · 28/10/2021 12:02

As mothers it's absolutely our problem to protect our sons from being sexually abused by adult men. We don't only protect the children with the same genitals as us.

As mothers it is absolutely our problem to listen to our girls when they say they are uncomfortable with boys (older than 8 - seems to be a reasonable cut off) in their changing room. And that the children with other genitals find a solution that doesn't make them uncomfortable.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 28/10/2021 12:03

do you give a fuck about little boys feelings?

So I guess that's a no then. I don't want your son to be unhappy if that's what you're asking but clearly you wouldn't give a shit about my daughter's feelings.

Comedycook · 28/10/2021 12:03

@Beautiful3

We had this same predicament. My husband took the 8 year old daughter swimming. She didn't feel confident going into the ladies, so went into the men's changing room. Afterwards she said she didn't like getting changed in there, so wouldn't go again unless mummy goes too, to take her into the ladies.
The thing is it's much safer to send a girl by herself into the ladies than it is to send a boy by himself into the mens.
nanbread · 28/10/2021 12:03

Let him go into the men's but send him in with a rape alarm if you are worried about him being unsafe.

Can't speak for OP but as the mother of children with SEN paedos are about 6th on list of concerns over my child going in there alone. A rape alarm isn't going to help him with the top 5.

KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods · 28/10/2021 12:03

yes but transwomen don't feel safe in the men's changing room. So i will assume you're ok with them in the women's?

Yea, absolutely 100% ok with that.

Journeyofthedragons · 28/10/2021 12:03

Let him go into the men's but send him in with a rape alarm if you are worried about him being unsafe

Exactly - men's rights are not greater than women's rights.

BungleandGeorge · 28/10/2021 12:04

It’s not an issue with boys only. It’s also inappropriate for older girls to be in the mens changing room.
On a practical note if the females use the female changing rooms, the males use the females with their parent, they’re aren’t going to be enough changing rooms for the bus idea of nobody having to get changed in the communal bit. In a swimming pool attached to a gym there’s generally only a couple of changing rooms- it’s usually mainly small rooms with mainly communal changes.
If an 8 year old is unable to change without assistance or they are a risk of wandering off I think they’d be perfectly entitled to use the disabled facilities

sHREDDIES19 · 28/10/2021 12:05

What woman would feel threatened by a child? He’s only 8, I wouldn’t want him alone in the men’s tbh. He’s at that age they’re sensible enough but who knows what he could be exposed to?

Comedycook · 28/10/2021 12:05

@Journeyofthedragons

Let him go into the men's but send him in with a rape alarm if you are worried about him being unsafe

Exactly - men's rights are not greater than women's rights.

You say men....it's a child...
Freddiefox · 28/10/2021 12:05

That's not women's problem to sort out

That’s such an awful attitude, so we only support people when it affects us directly! That’s not what equality is about.
We have to stand up for everyone even when we are not directly about us. Everyone benefits.

So sad

PleasantBirthday · 28/10/2021 12:06

So at what point are the female changing rooms not open access?

HaveringWavering · 28/10/2021 12:07

@Peggytheredhen

So, according to this thread, girls must change with their Mums away from potential predators, and boys must change by themselves with those potential predators.

And if we don't like it we can 'campaign'? Confused

Nope. Girls should be entitled to get changed in a place where boys older than 8 might see them undressed. Not because the boys are “potential predators” but because girls deserve privacy form being watched by any male while changing, no matter how lovely that male is.

And the risk to 8 year old boys in a changing room with a mix of other boys and men is extremely small indeed, pretty much non-existent.

AlwaysLatte · 28/10/2021 12:07

At that age we would have a family changing room I think. When they started using the men's my husband was either there or the layout meant that I could be outside the door and call to them periodically.

KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods · 28/10/2021 12:07

I don't know if anyone's noticed in the middle of this bun fight but we're half way to a full thread and OP has only made the one initial post. Either she's been frightened off by those of you placing feelings over physical safety, or we've all been hoodwinked into getting into a boys vs girls debate.

girlmom21 · 28/10/2021 12:08

@Journeyofthedragons

Let him go into the men's but send him in with a rape alarm if you are worried about him being unsafe

Exactly - men's rights are not greater than women's rights.

But why are womens greater than childrens?

If the options are keeping my child close to me and knowing they're safe or sending them into an environment where they feel vulnerable with a rape alarm, they're staying with me.

PleasantBirthday · 28/10/2021 12:08

@Freddiefox

That's not women's problem to sort out

That’s such an awful attitude, so we only support people when it affects us directly! That’s not what equality is about.
We have to stand up for everyone even when we are not directly about us. Everyone benefits.

So sad

Well, everyone except girls who don't like it, they don't benefit but they don't factor into this calculation either.
HaveringWavering · 28/10/2021 12:08

I should add that I have a 5 year old boy and no daughters, so I am not coming at this with a special interest in girls and I will be putting my money where my mouth is when DS is older.

MrsMiddleMother · 28/10/2021 12:09

I wouldn't feel comfortable letting my 8 year old boy change on his own in the men's. I wouldn't feel comfortable letting my 8 year old girl change on her own in the womens. I'd go for unisex/family cubicles and if that wasn't available then I'm not sure what I'd do tbh. I think 10+ is more appropriate

LoveGoldberg · 28/10/2021 12:09

It doesn't make girls unsafe. A eight year old boy with his mother is no risk to anyone else

It does make them unsafe because it teaches them that they do not have the right to privacy. It normalises being made to feel uncomfortable and conditions them into thinking this is acceptable.

Your 8 year old child is unlikely to go up and physically touch someone, but if he sees his classmate changing as he walks through to a cubicle I bet he isn’t as unlikely to joke about it with his friends!

Bingomangoes · 28/10/2021 12:10

Horrible isn't it, he probably has to go in the men's but make it as quick as possible with swimming stuff on already under clothes and hoodie towel thing to go home in. Reminds me of taking my 6yr old DS into the ladies, two older women audibly muttering (specifically for me to hear) about how violated they felt and he shouldn't be in there and how they had to cover up now. I couldn't help it and had to say "my son is 6.5years old he has absolutely no interest in naked women (hadn't so much as glanced in their direction) and is just really happy to be going swimming" Ruined my day though. Couldn't work out why they thought my 6yr old son would be any more interested in their nakedness than my 9yr old daughter who was also with me.