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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Where does everyone stand?

432 replies

pumkinbump · 27/10/2021 23:48

Posting here for traffic.

Married 7 years.

1 child age 6yrs.

Her - forever unemployed by choice. Cheated throughout marriage. DNA test needed on baby as didn't know who the father was. Left 8 months ago with be with someone else which was likely going on before the split. On benefits. Child is autistic so gets a mobility car which she has.

Him - full time worker. Paid for deposit on house. Paid every bill and mortgage payment for the duration of the relationship. Has their son 4/5 nights out of 7 as she doesn't want to. Pays her £100 a month despite this, plus extra for shoes, clothes etc.

He is terrified that she's going to claim half of the house in divorce.

Does anyone have any advice where he would stand on this?

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Original poster
pumkinbump · 28/10/2021 12:35

@Clocktopus

I notice nobody has commented on the fact that she was having and least one of her partners in the house while he was at work. I'd question how much care she was providing whilst she was entertaining

Ah so what you want from the thread isn't legal advice, you want us all to join in with you about what a neglectful slut the wife is. Right.

No, but if this was a thread about a woman, and the man was cheating in their home whilst the woman went out to work, everyone would just on that. Because a woman has done it though, it's fine apparently.
OP posts:
whatisthisinhere · 28/10/2021 12:35

I'm sorry but £100 a month is a pittance.
Maybe it should be done via CMS, and they will calculate it and take into account the time he has the child and pays for his needs

BillMasen · 28/10/2021 12:36

@whatisthisinhere

With all the benefits combined she will probably earning more than him

So you think he shouldn't pay maintenance because she claims benefits. You think he shouldn't pay maintenance for his own child. How much maintenance does he pay?

He Has The Child More

That normally means no maintenance. Why are people ignoring this?

whatisthisinhere · 28/10/2021 12:37

He doesn't have the child more. It sounds like 50/50 during term time and barely at all during school holidays. So no

BillMasen · 28/10/2021 12:38

@whatisthisinhere

I'm sorry but £100 a month is a pittance. Maybe it should be done via CMS, and they will calculate it and take into account the time he has the child and pays for his needs
Then she should pay him

Blimey! Why so determined that he should pay when he has the child more?

BillMasen · 28/10/2021 12:38

@whatisthisinhere

He doesn't have the child more. It sounds like 50/50 during term time and barely at all during school holidays. So no
Op says more. No other op is challenged so much when they say their ex has the kids less
MoveAhoy · 28/10/2021 12:39

From your own posts I drew a table on who is actually doing drop off and pick up at school. Unless you are 100% sure that he is actually working full time and parenting full time, step away.

You are being spun a yarn. Honestly.

Where does everyone stand?
Clocktopus · 28/10/2021 12:39

It sounds like they're sharing 50/50 and if that's in dispute then they'd need to go through CMS for a decision on who should pay what.

Original poster
pumkinbump · 28/10/2021 12:40

@whatisthisinhere

I'm sorry but £100 a month is a pittance. Maybe it should be done via CMS, and they will calculate it and take into account the time he has the child and pays for his needs
Yeah and if it was, she would have to pay him based on the fact she has her child 2 to 3 nights a week.
OP posts:
whatisthisinhere · 28/10/2021 12:40

No
She doesn't have to pay him
She doesn't work
He can't claim maintenance from her benefits
He has the child 50/50 during term time, and none of the school holidays

BillMasen · 28/10/2021 12:40

@pumkinbump

I notice nobody has commented on the fact that she was having and least one of her partners in the house while he was at work. I'd question how much care she was providing whilst she was entertaining.
However op, pursuing this does come across as blaming and a bit petty. Stick to the facts and others have rightly said, blame is irrelevant here.
Oftenithinkaboutit · 28/10/2021 12:41

She asked him to marry her

After three years when she hadn’t worked and according to you lounged around

And he said yes op. He said “yes!”

BillMasen · 28/10/2021 12:42

@whatisthisinhere

No She doesn't have to pay him She doesn't work He can't claim maintenance from her benefits He has the child 50/50 during term time, and none of the school holidays
Look forward to you popping up on a thread where an ex husband doesn’t pay to say it’s ok…
Oftenithinkaboutit · 28/10/2021 12:42

* No I don't like her but that's by the by.*

When have you met her?

whatisthisinhere · 28/10/2021 12:43

My ex is always fighting paying maintenance for his children. But this isn't about my "story"

BillMasen · 28/10/2021 12:43

Op can you clarify the number of overnights over the year means he has the child more nights?

BillMasen · 28/10/2021 12:44

@whatisthisinhere

My ex is always fighting paying maintenance for his children. But this isn't about my "story"
Ah so you’re projecting your situation (which sounds wrong) onto this one and assuming this man is the same
whatisthisinhere · 28/10/2021 12:46

Sort the maintenance out via the CMS, and tell,your boyfriend to stop fighting with his child's mother OP

whatisthisinhere · 28/10/2021 12:47

@BillMasen he sounds exactly like my ex.so much so, I thought this was his new partner with some details changed

whatisthisinhere · 28/10/2021 12:48

In fact, OP, is that you Yasmin?

FatCatThinCat · 28/10/2021 12:48

He
Has
The
Child
More

That normally means no maintenance. Why are people ignoring this?

Probably because they don't believe it. Seeing as the OP has said her boyfriend is doing his wife a favour by taking a day off over half term to 'give her a break'. Doesn't really scream 'primary carer' really does it.

ImprobablePuffin · 28/10/2021 12:52

@whatisthisinhere

Oh, I have two sons in special school, one of them qualifies for a Motability car, I work sporadically, but mostly not at all, because I can not sleep due to both of my sons nt sleeping. During the days when they are in school, I sleep, try to catch up on housework, exercise (to take care of my mental and physical health) and make sure to cook all the food they eat based in their sensory food needs. My ex and his wife think they should have full use of the Motability car, and that if I worked properly, he wouldn't have to pay maintenance. And they never have children over night. He claims that I stop him from seeing his children, absolute bs - he just can not be bothered to stick to a routine, changes things at the last minute and wants to show up at my house as and when he pleases. He refuses to pay maintenance, says I have forced Collect and Pay via CMS, he did this himself by refusing to pay. He has now defaulted with that so is probably feeling very pleased with himself. His wife however, thinks he's amazing and I am an evil greedy cow. I'm just glad I got rid of him. I bet the "she" in your OP is glad too
Thank you for this post. I'm also a SEN parent and two kids in a specialist school. I'm often made to feel like a failure because I didn't find a job the second they started school but people without Sen kids simply don't understand how exhausting it is. I've nothing left in me to focus on a job too. Sounds like the witch in OP's post could be in a similar position.
BillMasen · 28/10/2021 12:52

@FatCatThinCat

He Has The Child More

That normally means no maintenance. Why are people ignoring this?

Probably because they don't believe it. Seeing as the OP has said her boyfriend is doing his wife a favour by taking a day off over half term to 'give her a break'. Doesn't really scream 'primary carer' really does it.

But why not believe this op when many many others are believed when they say they have the kids more. They’re never challenged
PegasusReturns · 28/10/2021 12:52

That normally means no maintenance. Why are people ignoring this?

Because absolutely no one (except perhaps you?) believes this ludicrous story.

wanttomarryamillionaire · 28/10/2021 12:53

I love how everyone on here is defending the mother because shes female and has a disabled dc! She sounds like a feckless, selfish idiot! However if the roles were reversed and the male was the one who had never worked, slept around and basically been a selfish arse then absolutely no one would be defending him! MN is so hypocritical and sexist!