Where does everyone stand?

[pumkinbump]

Posting here for traffic.

Married 7 years.

1 child age 6yrs.

Her - forever unemployed by choice. Cheated throughout marriage. DNA test needed on baby as didn't know who the father was. Left 8 months ago with be with someone else which was likely going on before the split. On benefits. Child is autistic so gets a mobility car which she has.

Him - full time worker. Paid for deposit on house. Paid every bill and mortgage payment for the duration of the relationship. Has their son 4/5 nights out of 7 as she doesn't want to. Pays her £100 a month despite this, plus extra for shoes, clothes etc.

He is terrified that she's going to claim half of the house in divorce.

Does anyone have any advice where he would stand on this?

Thanks in advance.

@PegasusReturns

That normally means no maintenance. Why are people ignoring this?

Because absolutely no one (except perhaps you?) believes this ludicrous story.

Why not report it then if you think it's a troll?

@PegasusReturns

That normally means no maintenance. Why are people ignoring this?

Because absolutely no one (except perhaps you?) believes this ludicrous story.

And why do you think that is? I’ve seen many other posts believed without question that, apart from one thing, seem quite similar…

@PegasusReturns

That normally means no maintenance. Why are people ignoring this?

Because absolutely no one (except perhaps you?) believes this ludicrous story.

It doesn’t matter whether the story is true - people can advise assuming it is , the way the courts would see it …

@wanttomarryamillionaire

I love how everyone on here is defending the mother because shes female and has a disabled dc! She sounds like a feckless, selfish idiot! However if the roles were reversed and the male was the one who had never worked, slept around and basically been a selfish arse then absolutely no one would be defending him! MN is so hypocritical and sexist!

I agree. I think regardless of the fact the child has SEN, she has behaved badly.

In fact if that child has been so heavily reliant on her for their whole life, it's incredibly shit to essentially walk out on them for half the time for the next boyfriend.

If a man dad that, regardless of anything else, he would be rightly ripped to shreds.

I don't judge her for not working, I don't judge her for being on benefits or anything else, but I do judge her for essentially putting a new man above her child and I would judge anyone of any sex for that.

@MoveAhoy

From your own posts I drew a table on who is actually doing drop off and pick up at school. Unless you are 100% sure that he is actually working full time and parenting full time, step away.

You are being spun a yarn. Honestly.

Fair enough. I've just worked it out in hours. She provides care for 58 hours per week not taking into account the carer after school.

He provides care 88 hours per week. Again, not taking into account the times he has the child 5 nights out of 7.

Thank you for this post. I'm also a SEN parent and two kids in a specialist school. I'm often made to feel like a failure because I didn't find a job the second they started school but people without Sen kids simply don't understand how exhausting it is.

My two disabled DC are in FT school now and I don't work. I'm essentially 'on call' during the school day for the inevitable "he's forgotten/lost please can you bring it/a replacement" phone call, EHCP reviews, target setting meetings, DLA reviews, appointments to discuss whatever it is that's not working in school, can I come collect because they're unwell/melting down/have had an accident, then there's the days of refusing to go to school so they have to be taken in late once I've peeled them off the ceiling and calmed them down, the hospital appointments, the OT reviews, the physio check-ins, and so on. Some weeks I'll get the entire school day to myself, that's my time off and I need it, whereas other weeks I might be at the school multiple times or dealing with multiple appointments and phone calls and (aside from scheduled appointments) I can't predict in advance what any given day will be like. Its not conductive to also holding down a job, trust me I've tried it.

Never felt guilty.

@Oftenithinkaboutit

* No I don't like her but that's by the by.*

When have you met her?

I've met her numerous times. She was part of our friendship group.

How is she "walking out" on the child by expecting the father to parent his own child for some of the week?
It's immaterial that she has a new man.

But you judge her on all this, because obviously as a parent of a child with SEN she should now become a nun.

@pumkinbump all CMS will care about is the amount of overnights. He could claim maintenance off her but it's gonna be less than £7 a week or something stupid.

With regards to the car and the DLA, I would say he needs to see a solicitor. It is quite hard to prove you are primary carer if someone else disputes it. It'll likely go to family court and it will be VERY hard to prove that he's primary carer if she received the benefits. I would probably in his shoes, stop paying maintenance but let the situation continue if he can cope money wise. If she is as bad as you make out, I wouldn't be surprised if she stopped him seeing the child or pulled some other shit and sometimes it's not worth it.

That was @wanttomarryamillionaire

The child is in school normal hours, and goes to a carer 2 times a week after school for an hour or two. So there's no reason she cannot work.

Ever cared for a child who is disabled to the point they get full rates of DLA when they are not physically disabled.

Factor in doctors, consultants, therapies, stress, lack of respite and childcare especially in the school holidays, now off you go and find an employer who is flexible enough to allow you the time off it requires.

My daughter’s disability is only physical, she has two out of school appointments this week and two next week. Thankfully I can flex the time and my husband helps too. My situation is rare though. According to my daughter’s OT, the vast majority of her caseload have a parent who has had to give up work.

Again, not taking into account the times he has the child 5 nights out of 7.

I thought he had him four nights and currently one day out of the seven day half term? And 88 and 58 works out as six days of the week so what about the other day? Its more confusing now.

@whatisthisinhere

In fact, OP, is that you Yasmin?

Damn, how did you guess?

@whatisthisinhere

How is she "walking out" on the child by expecting the father to parent his own child for some of the week? It's immaterial that she has a new man. But you judge her on all this, because obviously as a parent of a child with SEN she should now become a nun.

Op literally said she walked out and DOESN'T WANT TO have her child more than two or three nights a week.

Don't project, nobody is saying she should be a nun, she should move on, of course she should, but perhaps just perhaps she could consider how this may affect her child. If you are primary carer for a child suddenly changing that especially when they have additional needs can be very unsettling. I would have thought you'd know that?

Don't project. Nobody is judging you.

So the mother drops the child over around 5 on a Friday night. Father takes child to school Monday morning. Mother collects child from school Monday evening and keeps him for the night, she obviously then takes him to school and picks him up and has him Tuesday night. There are many Tuesday nights where she asks the father to have him this night also which he does.the father then has him Wed's night and takes him to school Thursday. She has him Thursday. Then it all starts again. Two of those weekdays he has a carer after school. If the child is sick the father mainly has him as he won't settle and she can't cope with him. When they were married she would also palm the child off onto his friends. I know this from mutual friend. As its half term this week, the father has had to take a day off work to look after him to give her a break.

So:
Monday - dad am, school, mum pm and night
Tuesday - mum am, school, mum pm and night
Weds - mum am, school, dad pm and night
Thurs - dad am, school, mum pm and night
Fri - mum am, school, mum early pm, dad later pm and night
Sat and Sun - dad all day

Looks like the after-school care could be 1 day when dad has him and 1 day when mum has him. Is that right?

From what you've said if he's sick it could be either of them though more likely to be the dad?

Also looks like in the holidays is mainly the mother with the dad taking some time off work too.

So school is 6 hours a day. Sleep is ?10 hours a day. There are 8 hours left each weekday and 28 hours in total at the weekend.

Dad has him for 42 waking hours a week - 2 for after school so 40. Mum has him for 36 - 2 for after school so 34.

But she has him much more in the holidays? So it's half term. Dad has taken 1 day off. There are 5 week days to cover - 70 waking hours plus usual weekends - 98 in total. Dad his son all weekend and 1 week day 9-5 (additional 8 hours). Plus the usual hours dad has him - though possibly some of those 8 hours are usual dad time, maybe 2? So dad has him for 28 + 8 +10 = 46 waking hour. So mum had him for 52 hours .

There are 39 school weeks a year. Overall parental hours for the whole school year are 1638 dad and 1326 mum.
There are 13 non-school weeks a year. Overall parental hours for holiday weeks, assuming dad takes 1 day off every single holiday week are 598 dad and 676 mum.

So overall through the whole year (if these calculations are at all correct) are 2236 dad and 2002 mum. Mum has him a little over 47% of the waking time then? He is with dad one extra night but the 7-day week can't split evenly and it may be that the DS needs routine so can't swop and change from one week to the next, so one of the parents will have to have him 3 nights and one 4 nights. No reason of course why the mother should be the one having him 4 nights.

In terms of the car, mum does 7 of the 10 of the school drop off and pick ups?

All of this may be completely wrong of course! Which bits have I got wrong? I'm guessing dad can't do more than a day a week holiday cover as that alone would be 13 days a year - could be wrong of course. Maybe he gets very generous leave and uses it all to care for his son?

Care is more than just being directly with your child so either parent could be doing more of the clothing buying, planning childcare, liaising with school, school applications - the mental work. Realistically who does that? Who actually pays for his clothes? Does dad buy as much as mum (uniform, other clothes, shoes, trainers, school bag - the whole lot)?

I managed to do lots of entertaining when my kids were little. It was more coffee with friends rather than sex but my OH worked from home and we might have sex while the kids were asleep. Entertaining does not mean you're not able to care.

@mmmmmgyrl I have a child with ASD who has complex needs and I have no option as a lone parent to work full time so not a choice for everyone. I am however exhausted all the time but have bills and a mortgage to pay for.

Actually who does the appointments, meetings, etc.?

@Clocktopus

Thank you for this post. I'm also a SEN parent and two kids in a specialist school. I'm often made to feel like a failure because I didn't find a job the second they started school but people without Sen kids simply don't understand how exhausting it is.

My two disabled DC are in FT school now and I don't work. I'm essentially 'on call' during the school day for the inevitable "he's forgotten/lost please can you bring it/a replacement" phone call, EHCP reviews, target setting meetings, DLA reviews, appointments to discuss whatever it is that's not working in school, can I come collect because they're unwell/melting down/have had an accident, then there's the days of refusing to go to school so they have to be taken in late once I've peeled them off the ceiling and calmed them down, the hospital appointments, the OT reviews, the physio check-ins, and so on. Some weeks I'll get the entire school day to myself, that's my time off and I need it, whereas other weeks I might be at the school multiple times or dealing with multiple appointments and phone calls and (aside from scheduled appointments) I can't predict in advance what any given day will be like. Its not conductive to also holding down a job, trust me I've tried it.

Never felt guilty.

And how many nights does your ex have the children per week?

And how many nights does your ex have the children per week?

I'm not sure what you mean or what you're getting at? Or how it's relevant?

I was responding to a poster about the expectation of getting a job when disabled children are in FT school.

Because on MN, being the feckless female with a disabled child means something.
It might be the only place where this witch is understood.

The feckless male who has no job and the disabled child but still does no childcare does not deserve the same sympathy.

Op with all her bile is going to have to prove that the parent who is 70% standing at that school gate is a feckless witch.

I notice nobody has commented on the fact that she was having and least one of her partners in the house while he was at work. I'd question how much care she was providing whilst she was entertaining.

Naw, but you’ve brought that back to people’s attention now, just so we know just how awful she is.

She asked him

Of course she did. But even so, he did agree to it.

Can the father not apply for an occupation order if he is the main parent/has the child more than the mum? Also, yes, he should be getting the majority of the dla but he needs to sort that through the proper channels. Not sure why he is giving her maintenance when he has the child more than her?

[quote Getyourarseofffthequattro]@pumkinbump all CMS will care about is the amount of overnights. He could claim maintenance off her but it's gonna be less than £7 a week or something stupid.

With regards to the car and the DLA, I would say he needs to see a solicitor. It is quite hard to prove you are primary carer if someone else disputes it. It'll likely go to family court and it will be VERY hard to prove that he's primary carer if she received the benefits. I would probably in his shoes, stop paying maintenance but let the situation continue if he can cope money wise. If she is as bad as you make out, I wouldn't be surprised if she stopped him seeing the child or pulled some other shit and sometimes it's not worth it.[/quote]
This is the thing. He doesn't moan about paying her maintenance. He's happy for her to keep all dla money and car. She has threatened him with his child. She's threatened to move away and move him to a new school, threatened that he won't see him again, or that she will reduce the time to weekends only. On a few occasions she has refused to have the child when the father has plans last minute after sating she would, which isn't very often at all as he never goes out.

@BoredZelda

I notice nobody has commented on the fact that she was having and least one of her partners in the house while he was at work. I'd question how much care she was providing whilst she was entertaining.

Naw, but you’ve brought that back to people’s attention now, just so we know just how awful she is.

She asked him

Of course she did. But even so, he did agree to it.

Would you really find it acceptable if a man did that though? Honestly?

Would it be okay if your husband entertained his bit on the side whilst you were at work and he was in charge of your child?

@PegasusReturns

That normally means no maintenance. Why are people ignoring this?

Because absolutely no one (except perhaps you?) believes this ludicrous story.

What is so ludicrous about this story? Because its about a woman rather than a man?