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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Where does everyone stand?

432 replies

pumkinbump · 27/10/2021 23:48

Posting here for traffic.

Married 7 years.

1 child age 6yrs.

Her - forever unemployed by choice. Cheated throughout marriage. DNA test needed on baby as didn't know who the father was. Left 8 months ago with be with someone else which was likely going on before the split. On benefits. Child is autistic so gets a mobility car which she has.

Him - full time worker. Paid for deposit on house. Paid every bill and mortgage payment for the duration of the relationship. Has their son 4/5 nights out of 7 as she doesn't want to. Pays her £100 a month despite this, plus extra for shoes, clothes etc.

He is terrified that she's going to claim half of the house in divorce.

Does anyone have any advice where he would stand on this?

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Original poster
pumkinbump · 28/10/2021 11:55

@Oftenithinkaboutit

* Shocking to know that a married woman needs a DNA test to find out who the father of her child is is glowing behaviour.*

But it is completely and utterly irrelevant

And at least she was honest that it could be another man’s. Or did he demand the dna test.

No, the man she was cheating with demanded the test.
OP posts:
Clocktopus · 28/10/2021 11:55

You sound far too invested in the ins and outs of this divorce for a casual bystander.

Original poster
pumkinbump · 28/10/2021 11:56

And in addition to the man she was cheating with demanding the dna test, he was also at their marital home while the father was at work.

OP posts:
Clocktopus · 28/10/2021 11:57

Again though, that has nothing to do with splitting assets.

Original poster
pumkinbump · 28/10/2021 12:01

@Oftenithinkaboutit

So she didn’t work before they married. For three years

And yet he still asked her to marry him

So he can’t have had an issue with it

No, she asked him.
OP posts:
Original poster
pumkinbump · 28/10/2021 12:03

@Clocktopus

Again though, that has nothing to do with splitting assets.
I'm not saying it does. I'm just answering other people's assumptions.
OP posts:
whatisthisinhere · 28/10/2021 12:05

Ok I'm very tired, because I've been up half the night with my autistic son, who is also very ill at the moment. But it sounds to me as though he is doing 50% of the care. And only one day during half term, which he should be doing half of. And no he isn't doing this to "give her a break", he is doing what he should do as a parent

beigebrownblue · 28/10/2021 12:07

This from a previous poster:

"I don't think you are dealing with an adultering, jobless, irresponsible waste of space woman. I think you are dealing with a broken mother and you are trying to kick her whilst she is down."

And STOP saying the woman DOESN'T WORK.

Of course she WORKS. She looks after a child with SEN.

Particularly in a pandemic she would have a job on finding any kind of paid work to fit round that.

But you knew that already.

Your game is beat the woman emotionally into submission so that she is too frightened to claim what is rightfully hers.

Be ashamed.

whatisthisinhere · 28/10/2021 12:07

And I don't see that it's of any relevance that for two of those days the child has a care. Respite hours are. One of your business. I get 8 hours for each child per week, and it took me ten years to get that. It was hell.

whatisthisinhere · 28/10/2021 12:07

None of your business...

whatisthisinhere · 28/10/2021 12:10

That poor woman. I hope she has some good support. She'll need it. This man sounds nasty

Original poster
pumkinbump · 28/10/2021 12:12

@whatisthisinhere

That poor woman. I hope she has some good support. She'll need it. This man sounds nasty
Yes. Imagine a man who has his child at least 4 nights out of 7, every weekend, pays maintenance when he shouldn't be plus extra money for clothes and shoes, buys shopping for them, works full time and doesn't want to claim use of the car or any dla money. What an absolute pig.
OP posts:
User135644 · 28/10/2021 12:21

Women really can do no wrong on MN. No end of LTB posts for the slightest thing though.

saltedcaramelanything · 28/10/2021 12:21

Yes. Imagine a man who has his child at least 4 nights out of 7, every weekend, pays maintenance when he shouldn't be plus extra money for clothes and shoes, buys shopping for them, works full time and doesn't want to claim use of the car or any dla money. What an absolute pig.

You're describing the bear minimum of being a father - and acting as if we should be throwing him a parade.

whatisthisinhere · 28/10/2021 12:22

Why shouldn't he pay maintenance?
I bet he offers to buy the food, and she's exhausted so accepts. Why do you think he's some kind of saint for not wanting the Motability car and DLA? Why are you even privy to the benefits she claims to take care of the extra costs associated with caring for her son? It seems you know an awful lot about her life, even that she lives in a flat while she waits for a council house. You seem very angry and over involved

mmmmmgyrl · 28/10/2021 12:23

This is beyond hilarious now as the OP is now clutching at straws.

DC won't settle with his mum now of a sudden and dad takes time from his full time job to deal with sick days, despite mum having been a full time carer for all 6 years of his life - now she can't cope and he can't settle with this stranger who he only spends 3 nights out of 7 with - yeah right

She used to palm off a high needs child with autism to friends. Despite this being highly unlikely for the child himself probably being attached to routine and familiarity - some friends these are as most people in this situation would hardly be able to palm off DC to their own family due to high complex needs. - Try again OP.

saltedcaramelanything · 28/10/2021 12:24

@User135644

Women really can do no wrong on MN. No end of LTB posts for the slightest thing though.
The OP is obviously presenting an incredibly one-sided story here though. So people are naturally going to the other side. I'm sure the truth is somewhere in the middle
Original poster
pumkinbump · 28/10/2021 12:26

@whatisthisinhere

Why shouldn't he pay maintenance? I bet he offers to buy the food, and she's exhausted so accepts. Why do you think he's some kind of saint for not wanting the Motability car and DLA? Why are you even privy to the benefits she claims to take care of the extra costs associated with caring for her son? It seems you know an awful lot about her life, even that she lives in a flat while she waits for a council house. You seem very angry and over involved
I'm not angry at all. No I don't like her but that's by the by. Why should he pay maintenance when he has the child more nights than her? With all the benefits combined she will probably earning more than him.
OP posts:
RachelHasThoseInBurgundy · 28/10/2021 12:28

Does anyone have any advice where he would stand on this?

In a solicitors office?

Original poster
pumkinbump · 28/10/2021 12:29

I notice nobody has commented on the fact that she was having and least one of her partners in the house while he was at work. I'd question how much care she was providing whilst she was entertaining.

OP posts:
whatisthisinhere · 28/10/2021 12:31

With all the benefits combined she will probably earning more than him

So you think he shouldn't pay maintenance because she claims benefits. You think he shouldn't pay maintenance for his own child. How much maintenance does he pay?

Clocktopus · 28/10/2021 12:32

I notice nobody has commented on the fact that she was having and least one of her partners in the house while he was at work. I'd question how much care she was providing whilst she was entertaining

Ah so what you want from the thread isn't legal advice, you want us all to join in with you about what a neglectful slut the wife is. Right.

LJAKS · 28/10/2021 12:34

@pumkinbump

I notice nobody has commented on the fact that she was having and least one of her partners in the house while he was at work. I'd question how much care she was providing whilst she was entertaining.
I assume no one has commented because it's not relevant to the fact she's entitled to 50% of any and all marital assets. It's worth noting that any debt she has accrued during the marriage he is also liable for half of. And vice versa. He chose to marry her. Thems the breaks. If he's unhappy with the care she provides and has a valid reason for this then he can go for sole custody, problem solved.
Original poster
pumkinbump · 28/10/2021 12:34

@whatisthisinhere

With all the benefits combined she will probably earning more than him

So you think he shouldn't pay maintenance because she claims benefits. You think he shouldn't pay maintenance for his own child. How much maintenance does he pay?

No, I'm saying that as he has the child more nights that she does, he shouldn't. As that's how it works. 100 a month. Which he's happy to pay.
OP posts:
BillMasen · 28/10/2021 12:35

@whatisthisinhere

Why shouldn't he pay maintenance? I bet he offers to buy the food, and she's exhausted so accepts. Why do you think he's some kind of saint for not wanting the Motability car and DLA? Why are you even privy to the benefits she claims to take care of the extra costs associated with caring for her son? It seems you know an awful lot about her life, even that she lives in a flat while she waits for a council house. You seem very angry and over involved
Why shouldn’t he pay maintenance? Because he has the child more! There’s no way in a million years you’d tell a woman who has the child more that she should also pay the father!
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