Where does everyone stand?

[pumkinbump]

Posting here for traffic.

Married 7 years.

1 child age 6yrs.

Her - forever unemployed by choice. Cheated throughout marriage. DNA test needed on baby as didn't know who the father was. Left 8 months ago with be with someone else which was likely going on before the split. On benefits. Child is autistic so gets a mobility car which she has.

Him - full time worker. Paid for deposit on house. Paid every bill and mortgage payment for the duration of the relationship. Has their son 4/5 nights out of 7 as she doesn't want to. Pays her £100 a month despite this, plus extra for shoes, clothes etc.

He is terrified that she's going to claim half of the house in divorce.

Does anyone have any advice where he would stand on this?

Thanks in advance.

@2Two

He is terrified that she's going to claim half of the house in divorce.

Would that be so awful? The reality is that she would be claiming half the equity, so it depends how much that is. If he's paying out £5,200 a year for, essentially, no valid reason, maybe he's better off with full time care and a claim against her for maintenance.

He isn't going to get much if she isn't working though.

Presumably the woman with the baby due soon? The pumpkinbump OP. Who sounds like she's living in the house the wicked mother owns half of.

He will do the same to you.

@NeverDropYourMoonCup incorrect. You post just goes to show how judgemental and ridiculous it can be here sometimes. If you get off on throwing wild assumptions around with no evidence, that's up to you. Whatever passes the time.

@Whatiswrongwithmyknee

But if the man walked out and went to live with another woman and left the mother to cope alone and he kept the disability car no one would say he deserved 50% and round of applause.

There is plenty of defending of men on MN too even if it is over-shadowed by those who feel a woman is always in the right. People do make assumptions in these situations - based perhaps on their experiences which are of women doing 90+% of the childcare and home management etc. Some people find it harder to consider whether that is always the case and to accept that some men are doing what women have traditionally done. But it's not right to say "no-one" would. I have defended men who have been primary carers and who are still expected to contribute financially or be happy with any tiny amounts of money they are allowed access to. There is bias against men but that does not make the man in this situation right.

@BillMasen it's hard to say whether the man does more care without more detail. Yes he has the child for most nights, but we don't know who looks after the child after school. The man works FT, after school care until about 4:30 happens 2 days a week. So who does the rest of the care? It is possible that the man has adapted hours of work and really does do the full care on the nights he has the child though that still leaves the question of who is looking after the child on the 5 days on which the child sleeps at dad's in the holidays. It's very possible that the mother is actually still doing a lot albeit not at night. You may be right but we need more of those facts before we can judge.

Well she isn't having the child at weekends so presumably the father is doing all that, she isn't having the child every night in the week so it doesn't sound like she is doing 50%. We only know what we have been told.

@PegasusReturns

I think you’ve posted about this before? You’re the girlfriend no?

2 things:

• starting point on divorce is 50/50 split the ex will almost certainly get at least half of the house

• be aware of a man who bitches about his “awful” ex wife. It’s a huge red flag to be so disrespectful of the mother of your child.

Nope, I've not posted about this before.

Well she isn't having the child at weekends so presumably the father is doing all that, she isn't having the child every night in the week so it doesn't sound like she is doing 50%. We only know what we have been told.

I think all we know is that the child stays with his dad 4 nights out of 7. We don't know where he is during the day. OP has either missed that repeated question or does not want to answer. It would be useful if she would tell us. I'm not suggesting the dad is not doing 50% or more, just that I've known couples where the man thinks he is doing loads as the child sleeps at his but did not recognise the day-time hours which the mum was doing. Until we hear that info we have no idea what is really happening.

pumkinbump

You are still conflating how nice he is, how hard he works snd what a great father he is with being owed more.

All of that is immaterial. The starting point is 50/50
The marital home, all cars, investments, pensions, houses, furniture, businesses are all allocated a worth then the numbers are added up and divided by 2 and the couple can then decide between themselves what they want that adds up to their 50%
It can be 60/40 but it is rare and anymore is virtually unheard of. If one party doesn’t agree then they can go to court and the judge will decide.
The courts deciding the finances are not interested whether someone has been a saint or a serial killer. If you have a relatively longish marriage then the starting point is 50/50.

The only time it wavers from that is if the marriage is very short and no children.
You can’t just marry a multi millionaire and expect to walk away with 1/2 his assets after a 6 week marriage.

@pumkinbump

Posting here for traffic.

Married 7 years.

1 child age 6yrs.

Her - forever unemployed by choice. Cheated throughout marriage. DNA test needed on baby as didn't know who the father was. Left 8 months ago with be with someone else which was likely going on before the split. On benefits. Child is autistic so gets a mobility car which she has.

Him - full time worker. Paid for deposit on house. Paid every bill and mortgage payment for the duration of the relationship. Has their son 4/5 nights out of 7 as she doesn't want to. Pays her £100 a month despite this, plus extra for shoes, clothes etc.

He is terrified that she's going to claim half of the house in divorce.

Does anyone have any advice where he would stand on this?

Thanks in advance.

This has been presented as a one sided argument. If it goes to court both sides will be viewed impartially.

And most times it is split 50 50 after all the arguments anyway.
So best way to save the expense and heartache and just split down the middle.

She could get some of his pension too probably if she wanted seeing as though she’s not got her own I’m assuming.

Also, he only has his child one night a week more than his ex does. It’s not that much more than her.

@CatJumperTwat

Good luck having a baby with this prince, OP. Great decision there.

This actually made me laugh. Thanks 😊

@knittingaddict

Take away all the moral indignation and irrelevant detail. So what if she's on benefits and has the mobility car. So what if he pays her money (ever heard of child maintenance). I could go on and on about how much of your post was pointless stuff that makes her look bad and him a saint.

The facts are that they are married and she will receive child maintenance and will get at least 50% of the equity in the house. Presumed faults by the wife will not change anything, thank god.

There is so much more I could say about your op, but it's not worth the energy required.

Yes, I have indeed heard of child maintenance. I receive it myself from my ex. I also know that the amount of days each parent has the child comes into play. And if one parent has the child more than the other, it is the one who has the child less that needs to pay. In this case, her.

Op

I feel for you. You are being sucked in to a very messy situation.

I’d put money on you starting your own thread within the next year about this man. Your boyfriend

It’s very difficult to get high rate DLA mobility component for a child with autism so I assume the child has high care needs. I have a severely autistic child (now an adult). It’s been impossible to do paid work since he was about 7 so the comment about being “unemployed” is wrong. She is in fact a carer.

@DifferentHair

Also her sexual history, particularly that little nugget you put in about the child having a DNA test isn't relevant. If your 'friend' raised that in court he would be identifying himself as a dickhead and doing his ex a great service in terms of the outcome.

Judges hate that shit.

What a disrespectful way to describe the child's mother.

Shocking to know that a married woman needs a DNA test to find out who the father of her child is is glowing behaviour.

* Shocking to know that a married woman needs a DNA test to find out who the father of her child is is glowing behaviour.*

But it is completely and utterly irrelevant

And at least she was honest that it could be another man’s. Or did he demand the dna test.

The mobility car exists because the child needs it. It should be wherever the child is. He shouldn't be happy for her to have it because his child needs it when with him (or neither of them would have it). The child's needs should be prioritised by both of them.

He is terrified that she's going to claim half of the house in divorce

I would imagine that if they have been married, she might well do this.

@Anonanon1234

Well, the fact she'd never worked anyway and they had a child together....I'd be wondering why he married and settled down with her anyway? That's not normal for an adult to never have had a job..unless she was like 16/18 when she had their child - but that's beside the point.

Even if they end up 50/50, she will have to pay the remaining mortgage and bills surely. This man sounds like a mug...why is he paying her shoes clothes etc?
Different if the child is a toddler and needing daytime care, but sounds like they are old enough to be in school - so like you say, no excuse really not to be earning some money herself.

Get legal advice. Protect yourself and fight for custody for the child, because the mother doesn't sound interested.

The father is well aware that it would have been impossible for her to get a job after the baby was born, she was never expected to. The issue was before that for the 3 years before they got married. They were renting for a time, again him paying everything. They then moved to his mother's house in order to save for a deposit on a mortgage. During this time, he was going to work, whilst she lounged around in bed all day, at his mother's house no less. Yes, he is a mug, I'll admit that.

The child isn't physically disabled, he is mostly non verbal. He isn't violent.

So she didn’t work before they married. For three years

And yet he still asked her to marry him

So he can’t have had an issue with it

He's not an arsehole like many are painting him.

Oh, honey. You've got some nasty shocks ahead.

The issue was before that for the 3 years before they got married

A non-issue if he marries her anyway, wasn’t it.

50:50 is standard. He married her.
Probably could drag it al through court at a cost to him.
I lost 20k divorcing my husband. Sometimes it's worth it and you just move on and learn from it.

@beautifullymad

Yes. I have a friend who went through family court years ago. She was in exactly the same position as the wife in your OP.

When the husband said in court that he was the one who'd paid for everything, The judge made the point of saying that his wife was caring for the disabled child and the assets go to house the child. In the judges eyes the child was paramount and the wife was the carer so had contributed equally.

In your case getting the courts to agree 50/50 shared care may result in a 50/50 split of assets, but only if there is enough equity to provide for two houses.

If there is not and the wife is documented as main carer then he can expect the house to be sold to provide security for the child by giving the mother what she needs to do this.

There may be an element of her borrowing his portion of the equity in the house that is paid back once the house is sold when the child become an adult. As a disabled child becoming an adult I'm not sure of exactly how this works.

In the situation I referred to initially there was encouraging equity to buy two houses so this was action required by the judge.

It's not a case that the more financially secure parent gets to keep everything. It's also not based on how the split happened. It is based in the needs of the children.

The equity in the house certainly wouldn't be enough to buy two houses. The house didn't cost a lot, around 70k and there has been a mortgage paid on it for 8 years.

She has moved out into a council flat. She is waiting for a house currently.

Shocking to know that a married woman needs a DNA test to find out who the father of her child is is glowing behaviour.

Regardless of all that, she is the mother of his child and he should be respectful towards her for the sake of that child. It does children no favours when their parents are snarky and resentful of one another.

The child isn't physically disabled, he is mostly non verbal. He isn't violent.

He is disabled and he evidently has high care and mobility needs compared to other children his age otherwise he wouldn't get DLA or a mobility car. You can't judge from appearances how disabled someone is and it's very difficult to fully realise the ins and outs of their care without actually doing the majority of that care yourself.

The issue was before that for the 3 years before they got married. They were renting for a time, again him paying everything

Then why did he marry her and have a child with her? It doesn't add up.

During this time, he was going to work, whilst she lounged around in bed all day, at his mother's house no less.

Yes, he is a mug, I'll admit that

Why is this something you need to admit? It’s none of your business. They entered a marriage knowing each other and accepting each other’s faults, I find it unlikely your approval was requested at the time because they didn’t need it because they didn’t care about your opinion!

@Whatiswrongwithmyknee

The child is in school during the day. The father has the child every night apart from a Monday, Tuesday and Thursday night and also works full time.

OP that's not all the info we need. Who takes care of the child after school? Does the dad arrange working hours so it's him collecting the child after school or after school club? What hours does the dad actually do? Who looks after the child during the school holidays? Who looks after the child if he is sick?

So the mother drops the child over around 5 on a Friday night. Father takes child to school Monday morning. Mother collects child from school Monday evening and keeps him for the night, she obviously then takes him to school and picks him up and has him Tuesday night. There are many Tuesday nights where she asks the father to have him this night also which he does.the father then has him Wed's night and takes him to school Thursday. She has him Thursday. Then it all starts again. Two of those weekdays he has a carer after school. If the child is sick the father mainly has him as he won't settle and she can't cope with him. When they were married she would also palm the child off onto his friends. I know this from mutual friend. As its half term this week, the father has had to take a day off work to look after him to give her a break.