To want to be a stay home mum?

[wanttostayathome]

So I've got about 6 months left of my maternity leave, and I already know for a fact I don't want to go back. I love being a mum and I want to take another year or two off to raise my baby before she starts school.

Financially, it would be tight and although probably doable we'd have much less disposable income. My DH thinks I should go back for the money and also to have some balance between mum life and the old me.

I however disagree. There's nothing more I want from my life than to raise my baby but I don't know how to approach this conversation with him, as I know my POV isn't the done thing and I should want to be able to juggle career and family.

So, AIBU?

Thanks everyone, lots of lovely messages here and I'm glad I posted on this particular forum as there's been a lot of alternative perspectives that I think I was happily trying to avoid.

You're all completely right, that sadly I think a lot of women who would prefer to stay home have to go back due to finances, which I think is the case for my partner and I realistically.

Apologies as well on the "raising my child" comment! Of course that's not what I meant, as you are definitely still raising them if you go out to work! I just mean that I want to be there for as much as possible when she's little (as DH is keen to only have one, I know I won't get this opportunity again)

I think moving forward I'll speak with my employer about part time hours or condensed hours so I get a bit more time off with DD in the week, and maybe I'll actually enjoy being back in the long run!

I hadn't really considered that most of my mum networks will all be back at work, so I suppose it could get quite boring if we don't have that in the way we do now.

And yes, you're all completely right that I shouldn't just expect DH to be on board with funding another year off for me. He's the sensible one of the pair of us 😂

• Quite a few posters seem to be missing the point that it doesn't matter what they personally think about being a SAHM, or that they think it's positive/negative.

At the end of the day, families are structured a range of ways and BOTH people need to be on board.*

Totally agree. And I've been a working mum and am currently a SAHM.

@wanttostayathome I mentioned going part time just three months into mat leave (I took 12 months) and that gave them plenty of time to faff about and I could consider alternatives.

Don't make any decisions just yet. I felt exactly the same at 6 months but when 11 months rolled around I was ready for a few days break (going back to work!).

I think the time of year has an effect on how you feel about being a SAHM too, particularly combined with the age of your child. So, when the weather is cold and dark then it’s lovely to be all comfy cosy cuddling your young baby indoors. Different when they are dropping a nap when they are 2 and running round needing stimulation and having toddler tantrums. If you don’t have the money to go anywhere and only have the local park for free then it’s not so appealing when it’s 5 degrees and icey outside. Totally different to a sunny afternoon enjoying helping your toddler explore the play park or chasing squirrels.

Also apart from friends, what about wider family contact? My parents were both retired when mine were little and only 35 mins drive away so I could escape to their house for a bit of sanity once a week. Nowadays many grandparents are still working or live far from their offspring and grandchildren so no popping in or treat days out together paid for by generous grandparents.

It’s definitely not as straightforward a decision as it used to be, that’s for sure.

I think the time of year has an effect on how you feel about being a SAHM too, particularly combined with the age of your child. So, when the weather is cold and dark then it’s lovely to be all comfy cosy cuddling your young baby indoors. Different when they are dropping a nap when they are 2 and running round needing stimulation and having toddler tantrums.

God, ain't that the truth. The horror of a long, wet, dark December afternoon with a toddler who desperately needs to run off energy outdoors is not to be sneezed at.

Good luck with your decision and enjoy the rest of your maternity leave, @wanttostayathome.

My DH offered for me to be a SAHM and he'd just do a 60 hour week to make ends meet. I'm currently using up my annual leave and definitely not looking forward to going back to work considering how much has changed and how long I've been away from the workplace. I was furloughed in June so I've been away from work for nearly a year and a half when I go back at the end of November and it's really scary. But I also don't want my DH doing a 60 hour week to support us. I think that it's really sweet that you want to be there for your child though. You can ask for flexible working when you go back and they have to give a legitimate reason why it wouldn't be possible so discuss your options with your SO and make a decision based on what you think is best

I stayed as a SAHM until mine was seven. It's a lot easier leaving them at that age and it's a lot less hassle. You also get to be involved so much more. I'm also of the unpopular opinion that children who spend time with parents are much more advanced when they start school than those who've been with a childminder or nursery.

I'm also of the unpopular opinion that children who spend time with parents are much more advanced when they start school than those who've been with a childminder or nursery

It’s not just an unpopular view - it’s a factually incorrect view that makes you look rather foolish.

It’s worth thinking about how long you’d plan for this to be for. I did return to work part time after maternity leave and in many ways that was less of a juggle than it’s going to be from September when DD starts primary school and I’ve got to figure out how it’s all going to work with wraparound care and holidays. If I wasn’t working already, I definitely wouldn’t choose early primary school age as the time to start.

@pollymere

I stayed as a SAHM until mine was seven. It's a lot easier leaving them at that age and it's a lot less hassle. You also get to be involved so much more. I'm also of the unpopular opinion that children who spend time with parents are much more advanced when they start school than those who've been with a childminder or nursery.

Have you got some stats to back it up? Because if not, nor surprised its not popular.

Its essentially just you being judgemental.

It would depend heavily on what sort of parent the child has, what sort of nursery they are in, the child itself.

Its like me saying my personal opinion is that children of sahms are always behind educationally cause I said so.

It would be ridiculous because there's hundreds of variables that would impact the outcome.

I'm a SAHM - 33F.
I LOVED it with our first DS at 21. Loved it with our second DS at 25. When I turned 30 we had DS number 3.
I've now been a SAHM for almost 12 years.
Part of me hates it.
Don't get me wrong; I love being a mum. I want to be at their beck and call. Love taking care of the house, cooking. I love that they come home from school and ask me how my day was and me bise versa. I love that I am close to my sons and they feel comfortable telling me anything.
But somewhere deep inside me I miss working. I miss earning my own money.
I can go days (even a week) without having a conversation with another adult besides DH. At this stage; I have no idea what I could even do when my youngest goes full time at school.
It's wonderful to be a SAHM but sometimes I wish I was working

If you can't go part time in your current job, could you go part time in a different job? I was able to go back to my original job part time, but they weren't the hours I really wanted but I took it as I wanted to still have a job, I hated it.

I found a new job in a supermarket working evenings, and it's perfect I get all day at home and then most of my shift my daughter is in bed for, it was absolutely the best decision I've ever made.

I totally understand how you must feel now. A lot of women with very small babies find the idea of going back unbearable.

But that doesn't mean you'll feel like this in two years.

More to the point, your husband is clearly not on board with it. It's one thing when it works for the whole family but this is not the case here. I think if you did it against his wishes you would risk creating a lot of resentment which could be quite damaging to the marriage.

It's also pretty foolhardy to leave yourself without any financial security at all: as a general rule I would never recommend anyone become totally financially dependent on their partner but particularly if you're in a situation where the breadwinner clearly doesn't want to be the breadwinner.

Wouldn't there be a part time compromise?

I'm aware I haven't answered your question there at all 😂 sorry! That was just my experience. If you want to be a SAHP and you can afford to then absolutely go for it, it is however something your husband needs to be on board with.

It will be tough if money is tight though, would you be covered if your boiler breaks? Or your car breaks down? Or if your husband were to unexpectedly go off work sick, as well as all the implications for you that other people have mentioned in regards to pension contributions/NI contributions

Given the time again (was a SAHM for years), I wouldn't. Drove me batty/seriously depressed, I wasn't very good at it and my career tanked. I was damn lucky that DH is decent and didn't leg it so I'm not looking at a poverty-stricken old age.

People who say "no-one ever thinks they should have spent more time at the office" are wrong. Sometimes they do.

I loved it. It meant life was very stress- free. The only real benefit to working ft is the money. I met friends at play groups.

You could consider freelancing. I think there are opportunities out there in social media (it's not my field but I have been reading up about freelancing recently as I am returning to the workplace after 6 years at home).

It would give you some flexibility to work your own schedule and take some time off with LO when you wanted to.

Write down positives & negatives..... then try to think of possible answers or compromises to the negatives.

As with job interviews be prepared
😁👍

Aw me OP, I’d never go back ( and I loved my job!)
I make more money than DH so will have to go back , albeit a few less hours , which DH isn’t happy with but hey ho

MummyMayo1988
Just started working in a shop after 10 years out, love it, am wrecked and there's juggling, but it's been life changing for all the reasons you described. And hugs and great name!

I went back part time and I resent my husband for forcing me to do so. We could have got by for a couple of years on one salary but he wouldn't let me.
I hate my job so much and I hate missing out on time with my son.
I don't know, maybe your husband will be more understanding. Could you try it for a few months and see how you feel? Maybe if you try it and feel the same he'll be more willing to listen.

YANBU the time spent with your child will never come round again. Do what you think is right for you and your child. X

YANBU the time spent with your child will never come round again. Do what you think is right for you and your child. X
What about the husband? He doesn't want to be breadwinner. He doesn't want to have tight family finances.
All this do what is right for you advice ignores the fact that having a SAHP only works if both people want that. Nobody gets to unilaterally decide to opt out of family finances and expect someone else to fund everything.