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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to be a stay home mum?

999 replies

wanttostayathome · 27/10/2021 15:09

So I've got about 6 months left of my maternity leave, and I already know for a fact I don't want to go back. I love being a mum and I want to take another year or two off to raise my baby before she starts school.

Financially, it would be tight and although probably doable we'd have much less disposable income. My DH thinks I should go back for the money and also to have some balance between mum life and the old me.

I however disagree. There's nothing more I want from my life than to raise my baby but I don't know how to approach this conversation with him, as I know my POV isn't the done thing and I should want to be able to juggle career and family.

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
Toottootdrive · 28/10/2021 19:12

I can’t believe the amount of women on here who think it’s their god given right to become a SAHM once they have children. It needs to be a joint decision. Like the one to have a child.

jamandmarmalade · 28/10/2021 19:12

@wanttostayathome

In terms of what I do, it's not something I think I could leave and come back to. I work in social media and it already feels like a young persons game where you have to be totally on top of things changing constantly!

I don't think my place will offer part time sadly!

couldn't this be done from home?
Rosebel · 28/10/2021 19:26

@LolaSmiles

YANBU the time spent with your child will never come round again. Do what you think is right for you and your child. X What about the husband? He doesn't want to be breadwinner. He doesn't want to have tight family finances. All this do what is right for you advice ignores the fact that having a SAHP only works if both people want that. Nobody gets to unilaterally decide to opt out of family finances and expect someone else to fund everything.
But having a. SAHP can save money. Well over £12000 a month for childcare where I live and imagine somewhere like London would be even more. So it depends how much you're actually earning.
jamandmarmalade · 28/10/2021 19:28

OMG

BunNcheese · 28/10/2021 19:36

@pollymere

I stayed as a SAHM until mine was seven. It's a lot easier leaving them at that age and it's a lot less hassle. You also get to be involved so much more. I'm also of the unpopular opinion that children who spend time with parents are much more advanced when they start school than those who've been with a childminder or nursery.
There's no way you give your child more than what a nursery gives them and all the other nursery children. It's not possible nursery cover so many things.

You obviously think that but really it's for your own emotional needs keeping your child at home.

I can still rember my nursery days and I'm 30 me and brother loved it. Toddlers want to play with toddlers not just their mum which is one individual compared to having a range of other toddlers. A play date for a couple of hours is not the same a couple of times a week either.

LolaSmiles · 28/10/2021 19:40

But having a. SAHP can save money. Well over £12000 a month for childcare where I live and imagine somewhere like London would be even more.
So it depends how much you're actually earning
I've never disputed that for some it can be short term cost effective, though £12,000 a month for childcare has to be a typo surely.
Even still, there's the longer term impacts for a couple to consider. Children get more expensive with age, will the SAHP be able to pick up where they left off or will they find themselves in largely lower paid roles, will the SAHP continue to make their own provisions for their pensions? All things for people to consider before deciding that childcare costs lots (which would have been known pre children surely?) so you should be the breadwinner whilst i stay home for an indefinite period of time?

It's very easy for the guilt tripping to be just until funded childcare, oh just until school... well actually I can't find a job between 9-3 term time only so maybe til secondary and the breadwinner is expected to suck it up knowing the longer it goes on for, the chances of anything resembling an equitable split financially decreases, and the SAHP is probably able to claim half the working parent's pension if they split. It's a recipe for resentment. If someone doesn't want to be a breadwinner and doesn't want to support a household with a SAHP then they're wise to avoid that situation even beginning because someone willing to push and guilt trip now over it is unlikely to be willing to be transparent about their long term plans.

The bottom line is that if someone doesn't want to be a breadwinner then there is no point in their spouse sulking over it.

SAHP/WOHP works well when both parties are on board, have made informed decisions and are transparent about things. It doesn't work if one person isn't on board.

thebuswontfit · 28/10/2021 19:40

Yes you are

At least split the childcare so that you both do 4 days or something

Keep your career

jamandmarmalade · 28/10/2021 19:42

£12,000? A Month?

TheKeatingFive · 28/10/2021 19:45

Childcare costs are short term pain for long term gain. Staying in work means parents keep their hand in, keep their promotion prospects alive, contribute to pensions and so on.

In the long term, having a SAHP is very likely to impact family finances negatively.

TheKeatingFive · 28/10/2021 19:46

I'm also of the unpopular opinion that children who spend time with parents are much more advanced when they start school than those who've been with a childminder or nursery.

This is most certainly not true in my experience.

latte101 · 28/10/2021 19:48

I felt like this after my first. I went back 3 days. Second baby and I go back next week, 2 days, and I can't flipping wait. Lockdown made me realise I'm not cut out to be a full-time SAHM.

Thinkingthinking · 28/10/2021 20:06

@milissa

I would have said the same at six months. But I went back to work when DD was 13 months and have been back a few months now, and I'm really glad.
Completely agree with this. Now DD is 2 work feels like a break GrinIt definitely depends what you're going back to though - long hours, bad commute or toxic work culture won't be beneficial IMO. Could you go part time? Or change careers if you're not happy in your work?
Rosebel · 28/10/2021 20:20

@jamandmarmalade

£12,000? A Month?
That'll teach me trying to type while my son flings his arms around. £1200 a month was what I meant.
Bothyboo · 28/10/2021 20:28

The being jealous of SAHM comment made me roll my eyes…

Work is good for lots of things other than money, although money including long term earning prospects and pension is a good enough reason too. It can give a sense of fulfilment, balance, personal achievement and role modelling for your children.

My personal bias is having had a SAHM myself who came to resent it- even as a child it didn’t escape my notice. My mum and dad would argue over finances and housework all the time. She started working in an admin role when I was in secondary school and was so much happier, and frankly my parents marriage was better (they are still together today).

@Embroidery is just plain wrong about re entering the workplace (statistically!) even for professionals like doctors. If you take too much time out you will not be able to revalidate and will essentially have to re enter at a more junior level with lower earning potential whilst you re-skill. If you give up a training post you may well never be able to get onto that pathway again if it’s a competitive one. Sure you’ll get A job, but you won’t necessarily get THE job.

I’m saying this not because I hate SAHM or am bitter and jealous but because I think it is a path that requires you to go in eyes wide open as to the downsides in the future. It’s easy to kid yourself it’s just a few years and get on the ‘precious memories’ bandwagon however the long term effects can be wide ranging for you.

elbea · 28/10/2021 20:38

@pollymere there are plenty of studies that show the opposite

ChrissyPlummer · 28/10/2021 20:49

@Rosebel but surely you can’t just say you could have managed for a couple of years without your DH feeling the same? Surely you can see it’s not fair to expect him to be the sole earner?

Westnsouthnabout · 28/10/2021 20:50

I did . It wasnt the done thing as you say but it was the right thing so i didnt care. Loved it.
The employer I worked for had a facility for career breakes which meant I had first.shot at a job inyerview of my choice on returning.
The thing i did wrongly tho is i did not keep up.my pension contributions and i think i shd have.
Money was tight , you cut yr cloth tho.. i had to give up my car, holidats etc , but i wd never regret the decision.

Rosebel · 28/10/2021 20:51

@Bothyboo

The being jealous of SAHM comment made me roll my eyes…

Work is good for lots of things other than money, although money including long term earning prospects and pension is a good enough reason too. It can give a sense of fulfilment, balance, personal achievement and role modelling for your children.

My personal bias is having had a SAHM myself who came to resent it- even as a child it didn’t escape my notice. My mum and dad would argue over finances and housework all the time. She started working in an admin role when I was in secondary school and was so much happier, and frankly my parents marriage was better (they are still together today).

@Embroidery is just plain wrong about re entering the workplace (statistically!) even for professionals like doctors. If you take too much time out you will not be able to revalidate and will essentially have to re enter at a more junior level with lower earning potential whilst you re-skill. If you give up a training post you may well never be able to get onto that pathway again if it’s a competitive one. Sure you’ll get A job, but you won’t necessarily get THE job.

I’m saying this not because I hate SAHM or am bitter and jealous but because I think it is a path that requires you to go in eyes wide open as to the downsides in the future. It’s easy to kid yourself it’s just a few years and get on the ‘precious memories’ bandwagon however the long term effects can be wide ranging for you.

I had the opposite. My mum was a SAHM and she loved it. She freely admitted she loved having us home in the holidays and friends were always welcome. My dad was building up his own business at the time I was born but even before that she stayed home with the children. It was 70s/80s and where I lived most mums did stay home. As I would love to be a SAHM (and stop resenting DH) I'm really sad things have changed so much. Obviously some parents prefer /need to work but it's not all doom and gloom being a SAHP.
ginforever · 28/10/2021 20:55

No problem.
Look for childcare and give him the bill to pay. He will change his mind in a flash.

I became a childminder and worked in schools for the last 8 years in order to have an income and stay with my daughter on half terms.
It was hard, even though I loved every second.
But this year I decided to go back to office work and got a full time job again.
I still have to sort breakfast clubs and after school clubs and still pay around £400 for these (half terms we use both our holidays to cover) but I’m enjoying it and I believe that my stay at home time is far gone now.
I would stay for a few years at home if you can :)
Is a struggle financially but is worth it :)
Good luck !

Toottootdrive · 28/10/2021 20:57

@Rosebel All that resentment will build up over time and you will end up hating your DH.

Why don’t you look for a rich man who can let you live your life in the way you wish now? Or if it’s not money that’s stopping you from being a SAHM maybe just someone with a different attitude? Maybe someone older would work?

Rosebel · 28/10/2021 21:02

[quote ChrissyPlummer]@Rosebel but surely you can’t just say you could have managed for a couple of years without your DH feeling the same? Surely you can see it’s not fair to expect him to be the sole earner?[/quote]
It's not fair that he expects me to stay in a job that I hate and where the environment is so toxic that even manager's barely last six months.
Is it fair that I'm at work counting down each second until I leave?
Anyway it doesn't matter because he got his own way and I just have to put up with it.
Getting a new job won't help either as I still won't be doing what I actually want.

BunNcheese · 28/10/2021 21:06

@Rosebel surely you can find a job that you like. You cannot expect your DH to fund you and your child so you can live a fairy tale. If you didn't have a child or the days before becoming a mother how did you cope with working? Most people work from the age of 16. Have you never liked working?

marykitty · 28/10/2021 21:07

@rosebel I would suggest to try a new job, a non toxic workplace can make all the difference

Mistyplanet · 28/10/2021 21:08

Its been proven that the first 3 years or so of a childs life is crucial to their success in later life. So a strong attachment with their primary parent is essential. there's lots of reaearch on it. Therefore if you can afford not to work at this stage and focus on your childs relationships and development i think this will be very beneficial in the long run.

BunNcheese · 28/10/2021 21:12

Its been proven that the first 3 years or so of a childs life is crucial to their success in later life.

Only on MN!