To want to be a stay home mum?

[wanttostayathome]

So I've got about 6 months left of my maternity leave, and I already know for a fact I don't want to go back. I love being a mum and I want to take another year or two off to raise my baby before she starts school.

Financially, it would be tight and although probably doable we'd have much less disposable income. My DH thinks I should go back for the money and also to have some balance between mum life and the old me.

I however disagree. There's nothing more I want from my life than to raise my baby but I don't know how to approach this conversation with him, as I know my POV isn't the done thing and I should want to be able to juggle career and family.

So, AIBU?

“cosima0 and how does your husband's culture treat unmarried mother's? What's the child care provision like for those who want to return to work?”

Women do obviously work, but they do so when they feel ready because there is no shame in wanting to be with your own children. Men can’t just walk away from their children and pay the minimum either after a divorce. The family wouldn’t allow it. If you need childcare for whatever reason, you do what you need to do, same as anyone else has to do to make it work. Families help out more, which can be a blessing or nightmare, obviously. But generally, men aren’t pressuring or expecting their wives to be prioritising income once a bay comes along. That’s the difference and again, that can be a positive or negative, depending on how you look at it.

@cosima0

“cosima0 and how does your husband's culture treat unmarried mother's? What's the child care provision like for those who want to return to work?”

Women do obviously work, but they do so when they feel ready because there is no shame in wanting to be with your own children. Men can’t just walk away from their children and pay the minimum either after a divorce. The family wouldn’t allow it. If you need childcare for whatever reason, you do what you need to do, same as anyone else has to do to make it work. Families help out more, which can be a blessing or nightmare, obviously. But generally, men aren’t pressuring or expecting their wives to be prioritising income once a bay comes along. That’s the difference and again, that can be a positive or negative, depending on how you look at it.

But how do they treat unmarried mothers?

I’m just giving an alternative perspective BettyCarver. You might not like it and that’s your prerogative. I would not want to be with a man who expected me to go back to work before I was ready - that would not be “pretty” either. It would be hideous. I wouldn’t respect that type of man, in all honesty. So you do you and I’ll do me. People are entitled to organise themselves how they want and there’s more than one way to skin a fish (or whatever that saying is).

@cosima0

“cosima0 and how does your husband's culture treat unmarried mother's? What's the child care provision like for those who want to return to work?”

Women do obviously work, but they do so when they feel ready because there is no shame in wanting to be with your own children. Men can’t just walk away from their children and pay the minimum either after a divorce. The family wouldn’t allow it. If you need childcare for whatever reason, you do what you need to do, same as anyone else has to do to make it work. Families help out more, which can be a blessing or nightmare, obviously. But generally, men aren’t pressuring or expecting their wives to be prioritising income once a bay comes along. That’s the difference and again, that can be a positive or negative, depending on how you look at it.

Who is ‘the family’? How does ‘the family’ feel about SAH fathers being supported by female breadwinners? And yes, what about unmarried women with children?

I think a lot of women who have to work are sometimes jealous/envious/bitter even sometimes, so tend to be defensive and put down those who are able to be Sahm’s.
I’m not able to be, I have to work and irons my always will have to until I retire. But if I didn’t, god yes, I’d bloody love to stay at home with my own children and watch every moment, what a special thing, v v lucky

*likely, not irons 🙈

When on mat leave with my first I was upset at the thought of going back to work. Absolutely convinced I didn't want to, but had to (money).
I'm glad I did. Although I'd love to be part time.
Actually...I'd love to not work and still put the kids in nursery a couple of days a week . This is exactly what I'd do with a lottery win - mix of time with the kids and some time to relax.

The advice I'd give to anyone feeling the same about going back, whether you can afford it or not, is try it for 2-3 months and see how you feel. You might feel completely differently when you're back. Your employer might be more likely to accept a change to your hours etc once you're back - much easier to say no to someone who isn't actually there at the time.
You also might hate it and leave, but you'll have a couple of months of wages and the knowledge that you made the right decision to leave.

'So you do you and I’ll do me.'

Except this is a culture where men and women are expected to conform to a stereotype. Clearly they don't do irony in this culture either

I felt like this a few months ago!

Now she’s 8months old and I’m actually half looking forward to going back!

I’m only going back 3 days though which I think is a nice balance

You should talk to your work place and request flexible working first and have all options on the table

@Hairymcfairyyy

I think a lot of women who have to work are sometimes jealous/envious/bitter even sometimes, so tend to be defensive and put down those who are able to be Sahm’s. I’m not able to be, I have to work and irons my always will have to until I retire. But if I didn’t, god yes, I’d bloody love to stay at home with my own children and watch every moment, what a special thing, v v lucky

And some women have a choice about whether to return full time, part time or not at all and choose full time!

It depends on the unmarried mother, Michelle and the circumstances. By ‘they’ do you mean the family or the actual father of the child? Basically, they have to pay up if she can’t work. Families step in. Its depends on the woman and her circumstances.

I’m not saying it’s better or worse. Just giving an alternative perspective because I don’t think the OP should feel worried about talking to her husband about this.

@RacketeerRalph Yes, of course! And if they’re happy and want to do it, even better

You are NOT being unreasonable

[quote Whathesaid]@cosima0 Totally agree! I don’t understand why it’s so shameful to want to be with your own child, it’s the most beneficial thing for the child to be with it’s mother if it possibly can be. Why do people fight against this?
I’m not talking about people who have to work as I know how hard that is, but if you do have some amount of choice and can cut back and sacrifice some things if need be, it can only be a good thing[/quote]
Why is it necessarily the most beneficial thing for a child to be with its mother? My daughter gets loads of benefit from going to nursery a few days a week and being with her grandparents on the others that she wouldn’t get from being with me all the time. And my kids benefit quite significantly from the house and lifestyle my salary funds half of. I don’t see how that’s ‘fighting against’ anything, it’s just how it is.

Quite a few posters seem to be missing the point that it doesn't matter what they personally think about being a SAHM, or that they think it's positive/negative.

At the end of the day, families are structured a range of ways and BOTH people need to be on board.

Some posts feel very much like suggesting the OP twists her DH's arm to get what she wants or guilt trips him so she gets to stay at home.

If someone doesn't want to be a breadwinner then they don't want to be a breadwinner. Not everyone wants to have their life cut right back to facilitate an arrangement that they didn't want to have, and not everyone wants to be solely responsible for household finances. That's OK. Just like it's totally OK for someone else to want to be the breadwinner and focus on building a career and their partner is happy to be a SAHP.

What matters is that the couple involved make an informed decision about the situation and are both on board with it.

Absolutely agree @LolaSmiles

What some posters think about staying at home is completely irrelevant here - the OPs DH is quite right to have significant concerns about putting themselves in a tight, precarious financial position - it’s mad to do that to yourself willingly.

I have SAH'd at one point (not immediately post mat leave) and do agree if a parent can and wants to do it, it's great but if your DH is on the fence about it, that's a heavy weight of expectation to carry.

After a couple of years of struggling with childcare constraints my DH was much more aware of the downsides of care from professionals and much less dismissive about the benefits of someone SAH.

SirChenjins
Totally agree with you.

The load of carrying a family financially is heavy at the best of times, and some people don't mind that because both them and their partner agree that it's the right choice for their family.
The load of carrying a family financially knowing that your finances are tight and there's not the same continency for emergencies / unforeseen events when you never wanted to be solely responsible for household finances is an unreasonable burden to place on someone.

It's very easy to see how resentment kicks in when one person isn't on board with the family dynamics.

I felt the same at about the same time. By the time DS was ten months I was climbing the walls. We didn't have any money to go anywhere or do anything. I started a little side business to bring in some money but it wasn't enough and I returned to work when DS was 14 months. I should have returned sooner. Go back to work OP. You'll thank all of us saying it later.

Part time as a compromise? Having your DH as the only income will
Put pressure on him and your relationship. ESP,
If he’s not in board with the idea.

Excellent posts, @LolaSmiles.

If a couple genuinely both want clearly defined roles, one as breadwinner and one as SAHP then no problem. But very many couples want an arrangement that isn't polarised like that, and really that shouldn't be much of a surprise, given that often couples have similar levels of education and professional standing. DH and I are both graduates, we were both working in professional jobs when we both decided we wanted to start a family, same as many of our friends. So it's hardly earth shattering that many couples don't wish to give up one career completely and have the other partner being sole earner

There is definitely nothing wrong with feeling as you do but it won't work if your dh isn't on board. Also the next year off wouldn't be the same as your current maternity leave. For instance any friends you have made will likely be back at work so not as easily available for a coffee or chat as previously. Going to groups costs money and if you are only on one income they are an unnecessary expense (in my view, you may feel differently). The dynamic between you may well change, he becomes the breadwinner and so most household chores will fall to you simply because you are home more and chose to be.

I work part time though am currently on maternity leave with my 8 week old. It gives me the security I need and is a job I enjoy though. I also feel I have a good work life balance.

@Hairymcfairyyy

I think a lot of women who have to work are sometimes jealous/envious/bitter even sometimes, so tend to be defensive and put down those who are able to be Sahm’s. I’m not able to be, I have to work and irons my always will have to until I retire. But if I didn’t, god yes, I’d bloody love to stay at home with my own children and watch every moment, what a special thing, v v lucky

I've read the entire thread and not come across any posts that sound bitter or jealous, in fact most, if not all them are saying it's totally understandable to want to stay at home with baby, but only if the husband is %100 behind it otherwise it will breed resentment and the OPs husband isn't behind it.

I felt like you too OP after my first and even more after.my second. It is such a wrench leaving them. I would have loved to be a SAHP but we couldn't afford it. You have to be practical and you have to be in it together. You can't make your other half pay for everything if he can't afford it or doesn't want to. From my experience going back was ok, good even. We soon got into a new rhythm and I enjoyed using my brain again and having a lunch break. Having said that I went back part time and then I ended up changing jobs to fit in around my family. Most women I know ended up changing their jobs or hours to fit with family life. A couple of my friends that did go down the SAHP route have found it difficult to get back into the job market.now that their kids are teenagers, they seem a bit lost at the.moment really. It's not easy whichever way you go..

Women who work also raise their children. Your phrasing is concerning. What you mean is you would prefer to not have paid employment and just stay home with your kid and habe your husband pay for you.

As pps have said, that’s a lot of sacrifices financially you want to put on your family and it’s not fair on your husband to decide you’d rather not work and it’s his role to pay for the three of you. Fine if he’s supportive, if he’s not, you need to work like most other women.