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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to be a stay home mum?

999 replies

wanttostayathome · 27/10/2021 15:09

So I've got about 6 months left of my maternity leave, and I already know for a fact I don't want to go back. I love being a mum and I want to take another year or two off to raise my baby before she starts school.

Financially, it would be tight and although probably doable we'd have much less disposable income. My DH thinks I should go back for the money and also to have some balance between mum life and the old me.

I however disagree. There's nothing more I want from my life than to raise my baby but I don't know how to approach this conversation with him, as I know my POV isn't the done thing and I should want to be able to juggle career and family.

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
EezyOozy · 27/10/2021 22:29

I'm not going to say "but you'll ruin your career / you'll be miserable / you'll regret it" because none of those things may transpire.

Brefugee · 27/10/2021 22:31

Frankly? I don't think it's fair for your DH to have all the pressure of earning all the money. And although a pp up there said sell it that you'll do all the cooking, cleaning and night feeds etc etc, you know perfectly well that he will be expected to pitch in at home too, so selling it like that is unfair.

And you may be solid now, but that is also based on you going back as he expected - what if he has dreams of doing something else a few years down the line?Are you going to pitch in and earn the money so he can follow his dream? What if he can't work? Loses his job?

SAHP only works when the other one is on board, and even then resentments can build up.

Whathesaid · 27/10/2021 22:31

@RacketeerRalph But wouldn’t that be a pretty shitty partner?! Surely he could understand why the mother wants to look after her child herself as opposed to handing them over to someone else? She’d be working in the home, saving them thousands on childcare fees and being the best carer for her child. If they can afford it for a short time, why wouldn’t he be ok with that, if she was desperate to be with her child?

EezyOozy · 27/10/2021 22:32

You definitely lose the sense of who you are, nobody thanks you for your job, you can say it's family pay but it never feels like that so you never have your own money etc.

None of these things happened to me. I think this is all subjective/circumstance dependent.

However, I still don't think the Op can unilaterally decide not to go back to work, particularly if the family will struggle financially.

Boahh · 27/10/2021 22:34

If you’re not both on board with it 100% then you can’t do it.
I’d be furious if DH decided he wanted to be a SAHD and we had to scrape by each month so he could enjoy the kids.

elbea · 27/10/2021 22:34

I thought that to start with but the monotony started to get to me. Lockdowns and my husband working abroad probably contributed.

I have a part time, entirely flexible job working from home. My employer is really child friendly, she comes to work with me sometimes and does part time nursery too. My counterpart is the communications officer and she is entirely flexible from home too. It could be a compromise.

cosima0 · 27/10/2021 22:39

OP, put it this way... where my husband comes from, men have no business having children if they’re not prepared to financially support their wives being with the children did as long as they want or need to be. There’s none if this shaming women for not being super-keen to rush back to work on some random, proscribed date. The mother-baby bond is highly valued and respected. If your wife was back at work after a matter of months or a year, there would be raised eyebrows and if she was expressing discontent about this, the husband would be shamed by his family and friends. Anyway, I realise that won’t be a popular family set-up on here, but I’m just telling you this for balance because the whole world does not operate according to MN lore and there are indeed some family set-ups that understand and value the role of having their children with their own mother Shock. This is hardly a weird or radical approach to life as some would have you believe - for many it’s instinctive and, when it is, who gives a hoot what anyone else thinks you should or shouldn’t be doing. You only get one life. Be true to yourself. Talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. He needs to step up frankly - or at least he needs to start listening to how you actually feel, rather than telling you how you should feel. So what if he’s the ‘sole financial provider.’ He’ll still be doing the same job - just coming home to a happier wife and child and more organised home life. You are a family unit and what’s his is yours and vice versa anyway. I’m sure you can make it work - billions if people do and always did!

casinoroyale4ever · 27/10/2021 22:40

It sounds like fear talking a bit - @wanttostayathome you said something about social media being a young person's game etc. I have had similar feelings in what I do, skills not as up to date as they should be and your confidence isn't going to improve after 1-2 however many years out of the workforce.

Maybe you should be thinking about a career change or a new job rather than SAHP?

As others have said, it's not about the next 1-2 years, there isn't a stage when they don't need your time.

I've done stretches of SAH, FT, PT but always in agreement with my DH and as circumstances required.

RacketeerRalph · 27/10/2021 22:42

[quote Whathesaid]@RacketeerRalph But wouldn’t that be a pretty shitty partner?! Surely he could understand why the mother wants to look after her child herself as opposed to handing them over to someone else? She’d be working in the home, saving them thousands on childcare fees and being the best carer for her child. If they can afford it for a short time, why wouldn’t he be ok with that, if she was desperate to be with her child?[/quote]
Personally I think it would be pretty shitty of the non working partner to all that pressure on the other.

Rubyupbeat · 27/10/2021 22:43

I would say if you can afford to, then stay at home.
I loved every moment of being at home with mine, they develop so quickly and I couldn't. in all truth, left mine with anyone.
I was fortunate that my husband loves his job and was happy for me to be at home.
I have never regretted it and have so many wonderful memories of being with them.
Oh, and I wasn't brain dead, I also studied when they were small.

Whathesaid · 27/10/2021 22:44

@cosima0 Totally agree! I don’t understand why it’s so shameful to want to be with your own child, it’s the most beneficial thing for the child to be with it’s mother if it possibly can be. Why do people fight against this?
I’m not talking about people who have to work as I know how hard that is, but if you do have some amount of choice and can cut back and sacrifice some things if need be, it can only be a good thing

stalkersaga · 27/10/2021 22:46

She’d be working in the home, saving them thousands on childcare fees

OP has been quite clear that even after childcare fees, the household would be a lot worse off if she left her job. So she'd be costing them thousands, not saving thousands.

Rubyupbeat · 27/10/2021 22:46

@Cosima0
Well said.

AveryGoodlay · 27/10/2021 22:48

No family should have a stay at home parent unless both parents agree. How would you feel if your partner decided you had to be the sole financial provider and they weren't going to provide any financial support?

YABU.

AveryGoodlay · 27/10/2021 22:49

Can you both do part time? Or if he doesn't want to then you do part time and he does full time?

Whathesaid · 27/10/2021 22:50

@RacketeerRalph I currently at home with our Dd for this short period of time until she starts school, I’ve worked all my life, often earning more than my Dp and bankrolling him 🤣it all evens out and we both know if we hit any financial troubles, I’d be straight back working again or finding a solution too,
Our set up makes for a much easier life and system all round. He doesn’t have to do the food shopping, proper cleaning or cooking etc during the week (we’d have to juggle everything when both worked full time) he’s able to just go to work and come home and that’s mainly it, as everything else is taken care of. He prefers Dd being with me than with strangers and Dd is very happy. We worked hard to have this set up and had to cut back on things for ourselves and our old lifestyle changed, but surely it does with kids anyway.

marykitty · 27/10/2021 22:50

[quote Whathesaid]@cosima0 Totally agree! I don’t understand why it’s so shameful to want to be with your own child, it’s the most beneficial thing for the child to be with it’s mother if it possibly can be. Why do people fight against this?
I’m not talking about people who have to work as I know how hard that is, but if you do have some amount of choice and can cut back and sacrifice some things if need be, it can only be a good thing[/quote]
Actually everyone on this thread said that OP INBU, we all understand the value of being a SAHP.
It is already a difficult choice to go back to work, often there is no other choice. We do not need SAHP making us feeling guilty or less loving because of this.

Cranncat · 27/10/2021 22:50

@cosima0

OP, put it this way... where my husband comes from, men have no business having children if they’re not prepared to financially support their wives being with the children did as long as they want or need to be. There’s none if this shaming women for not being super-keen to rush back to work on some random, proscribed date. The mother-baby bond is highly valued and respected. If your wife was back at work after a matter of months or a year, there would be raised eyebrows and if she was expressing discontent about this, the husband would be shamed by his family and friends. Anyway, I realise that won’t be a popular family set-up on here, but I’m just telling you this for balance because the whole world does not operate according to MN lore and there are indeed some family set-ups that understand and value the role of having their children with their own mother Shock. This is hardly a weird or radical approach to life as some would have you believe - for many it’s instinctive and, when it is, who gives a hoot what anyone else thinks you should or shouldn’t be doing. You only get one life. Be true to yourself. Talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. He needs to step up frankly - or at least he needs to start listening to how you actually feel, rather than telling you how you should feel. So what if he’s the ‘sole financial provider.’ He’ll still be doing the same job - just coming home to a happier wife and child and more organised home life. You are a family unit and what’s his is yours and vice versa anyway. I’m sure you can make it work - billions if people do and always did!
@cosima0, so your husband comes from the 19thc?

You might equally say that women ‘have no business’ having babies if they’re not prepared to provide for them financially.

Whathesaid · 27/10/2021 22:51

*I’m

RacketeerRalph · 27/10/2021 22:52

cosima0 and how does your husband's culture treat unmarried mother's? What's the child care provision like for those who want to return to work?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 27/10/2021 22:52

I’ve done SAHM, PT and FT. PT was by far the best.

Has your DH realised that if you go back to work then his working life will be affected? He will need to take parental leave to look after your DD when she’s sick and can’t attend nursery. He will probably need to do more housework than he does now. I think most parents who are the sole breadwinner when baby is small get a massive shock when they they realise how much it impacts them when the other parent also returns to work, when they’ve been bimbling along nicely leaving everything domestic/childcare related to the SAHP during their working week. Having to leave meetings early or not able to go off on business trips abroad can cause issues if they expect to carry on as they were.

AveryGoodlay · 27/10/2021 22:53

I don’t understand why it’s so shameful to want to be with your own child, it’s the most beneficial thing for the child to be with it’s mother if it possibly can be. Why do people fight against this? it isn't shameful to be employed or unemployed. What I don't understand is why the child has to be with the mother? My partner and I work opposite each other with one day a week together and our daughter is thriving. She loves her dad just as much as me. It's weird to think children can't possibly have as special a bond with their father as they can with their mother.

BettyCarver · 27/10/2021 22:55

I think we can all imagine the kind of culture @cosima0 's dh is from, and a lot of it ain't pretty

Whathesaid · 27/10/2021 22:55

@marykitty I stated that I’m not talking about people who have to go back to work and how difficult that is, I totally get that as I had to at first foo, it contributed to pnd for me and something had to change. We only have this set up for a short time,
I also don’t think sahp should be made to feel lazy, selfish or self indulgent for wanting to be with their child. Everyone must do what suits them and not bash one another

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 27/10/2021 22:58

@BettyCarver

I think we can all imagine the kind of culture *@cosima0* 's dh is from, and a lot of it ain't pretty
This, with bells on.

No thank you.