To want to be a stay home mum?

[wanttostayathome]

So I've got about 6 months left of my maternity leave, and I already know for a fact I don't want to go back. I love being a mum and I want to take another year or two off to raise my baby before she starts school.

Financially, it would be tight and although probably doable we'd have much less disposable income. My DH thinks I should go back for the money and also to have some balance between mum life and the old me.

I however disagree. There's nothing more I want from my life than to raise my baby but I don't know how to approach this conversation with him, as I know my POV isn't the done thing and I should want to be able to juggle career and family.

So, AIBU?

my reading of her posts is that she’s feels powerless to even express her feelings to him

More utterly baseless claims, the result of your imagination and nothing more. You are being very disrespectful and rude to the OP who actually speaks very highly of her DH, both as a husband and a father.

The OP wouldn’t have posted in MN if she didn’t feel her husband was being unfair.

What on earth? So posting on MN now automatically puts you in the right?

my reading of her posts is that she’s feels powerless to even express her feelings to him.

"When I've tried to bring it up he always says that it'll feel different when I start back."

She's expressed her feelings to him multiple times. The fact he doesn't want to do as she wishes doesn't mean she can't talk to him about it.

By the way, if I’m projecting, so is just about everyone else. You do realise this?

Well no, just because you are doing something doesn't mean everyone else is doing it too.

You're the only one who's a) completely making stuff up b) declaring that you know the family's financial situation better than the guy who's being asked to pay for it all c) making ludicrous false equivalences such as making shared earning the same as abandoning the family and d) advocating for women forcing their husbands to provide alone for the household if they want to abdicate financial responsibility and e) demonstrating a complete lack of understanding of the importance of money.

You are making her fit your agenda and the projection is blatant. If you can’t see it, ridiculous. You accuse me of one thing and then go on a tirade doing exactly the same thing.

None of you are the authorities here, so please stop behaving as if you are.

"When I've tried to bring it up he always says that it'll feel different when I start back."

Hmmm...,

You are all so blinded by this notion of ‘the ‘sole provider’ you can’t comprehend anything else. You can’t comprehend that some couples may have different priorities and different ways of relating. It’s just he who earns the money speaks loudest apparently. Shame.

Here she is -

“ There's nothing more I want from my life than to raise my baby but I don't know how to approach this conversation with him, as I know my POV isn't the done thing and I should want to be able to juggle career and family.”

OP, there is no ‘should’ about it! It’s people in MN who make you feel like this about the ‘done’ thing. In real life, people are not like this and there is no ‘done’ thing. Listen to your gut. Trust your instincts. Believe in your POV. And don’t let anyone bully you - him or the MN echo chamber. Good luck!

@paloma2

You are all so blinded by this notion of ‘the ‘sole provider’ you can’t comprehend anything else. You can’t comprehend that some couples may have different priorities and different ways of relating. It’s just he who earns the money speaks loudest apparently. Shame.

If you read the full thread you will see that many of us acknowledge that there is no one size fits all.

It's your posts that come across as very blinkered.

It’s just he who earns the money speaks loudest apparently. Shame.

Not one person has said this. You're just making shit up now to suit your preferred narrative.
It's you who seems unable to see things from a different perspective.

“When I've tried to bring it up he always says that it'll feel different when I start back. The thought of it is filling me with anxiety though!”

Very dodgy and potentially manipulative right there OP.

Don’t let anyone tell you how you should it will feel. YOU know how you feel.

You are all so blinded by this notion of ‘the ‘sole provider’ you can’t comprehend anything else. You can’t comprehend that some couples may have different priorities and different ways of relating. It’s just he who earns the money speaks loudest apparently. Shame.

Far from it.
Many of us have said it doesn't matter how couples structure their families and that having a SAHP is good for some families when both people are on board.

We just disagree with the idea that one half of a couple gets to unilaterally decide that their partner has sole financial responsibility for the whole household (especially when finances would be tight), and disagree with suggestions that one half of the couple uses emotionally manipulative strategies to bully their partner into assuming a breadwinner role that was never agreed prior yo having children.

I don't think the people who are in favour of couples structuring their families how they like and both parties making informed decisions are the ones struggling struggling comprehend anything to be honest.

It's a shame the same can't be said for those of the pushy if someone wants to stay home then then should and their spouse should suck it up because that's what decent dads/husbands do... viewpoint.

“As for him wanting to be a stay at home dad, I don't think he could think of anything worse! He loves our daughter endlessly, but he very much couldn't handle crying, feeding, bathing, entertaining all the time - and he's said as much!”

Oh how nice for him. Nice to have the CHOICE.

Shame it doesn’t work in reverse.

op has gone already @paloma2 she's not coming back

“I do understand I would essentially be relying solely on him to "give me an allowance" as it were.”

Nooooooooooooooooooooooo !!!!!

And NO! x 100000000000000000000

This says it all for me.

It’s NOT his money and NOT in his powers to be giving you an ‘allowance,’ why why why are women conditioned to think this way. It’s actually shocking.

paloma
Why are you obsessed with trying to find some untoward narrative here?
Most of the last page is you quoting sections and adding your own speculation.

Odd really.

If we're going down the road of quoting the OP I think it's important to include these for the interest of balance .......

This doesn't read like someone who is being coerced or bullied by her husband to return to work.

Thanks everyone, lots of lovely messages here and I'm glad I posted on this particular forum as there's been a lot of alternative perspectives that I think I was happily trying to avoid.

You're all completely right, that sadly I think a lot of women who would prefer to stay home have to go back due to finances, which I think is the case for my partner and I realistically.

I think moving forward I'll speak with my employer about part time hours or condensed hours so I get a bit more time off with DD in the week, and maybe I'll actually enjoy being back in the long run!

I hadn't really considered that most of my mum networks will all be back at work, so I suppose it could get quite boring if we don't have that in the way we do now.

And yes, you're all completely right that I shouldn't just expect DH to be on board with funding another year off for me. He's the sensible one of the pair of us 😂

@paloma2

You are all so blinded by this notion of ‘the ‘sole provider’ you can’t comprehend anything else. You can’t comprehend that some couples may have different priorities and different ways of relating. It’s just he who earns the money speaks loudest apparently. Shame.

You can't comprehend money, how it works, why it's important and why it's a big deal being the only person earning it. You think mothers should be able to unilaterally abdicate all financial responsibilities to men who don't want it, or else the men are Bad People. Your concepts of force, choices and preferences apply only in the way that suits you. No other SAHM on here has advocated for unilateral decision making the way you have.

You are also completely unable to understand that everyone has a veto in a decision that requires unanimity. It's actually the definition of an equal say for all. Or rather, you think women should have the ultimate say over how the house runs and who has to shoulder all the earning responsibility...which you have also repeatedly downplayed and sneered at, even while you castigate those who would refuse to do it for you.

You have no understanding, respect, gratitude or appreciation for anything except what you want. Nobody should stay home, or be sole earner, for someone who sees that role the way you do.

Speculation? No woman should be in the mindset that her husband would be giving her an ‘allowance.’ Wtf!

Telling her he wouldn’t cope at home with his own baby, but when she tries to express she doesn’t think she’ll cope if she has to use childcare, he just dismisses it and tells her she’ll feel differently when it happens.

Sorry, but what a w**r.

‘And yes, you're all completely right that I shouldn't just expect DH to be on board with funding another year off for me. He's the sensible one of the pair of us’

Poor woman. This is genuinely the worst place she could have asked this question.

paloma
The OP herself acknowledged that realistically their finances don't allow for a SAHP, and that being sensible it's probably not right to expect another year off work.
The key word is 'expect'.

When the OP talks to her work about part time hours, and the situation changes, her and her DH might be able to review the situation.

You might think that women should be able to snap their fingers and demand a man takes on financial responsibility for the household, but in 2021 most people don't think that way.

What’s the bet this one is one of the ‘separate finances’ type of guy.

Give me strength!

Another MN speciality that were all meant to be down with.

@paloma2

What’s the bet this one is one of the ‘separate finances’ type of guy.

Give me strength!

Another MN speciality that were all meant to be down with.

So you've made up crap about their financial requirements, their relationship and his character, based on the square root of fuck all and sometimes in direct contradiction to what OP has said. And now this.

What's the next plot twist?

DrSbaitso
I reckon he's going to turn out to be one of those awful people who doesn't put jam and cream on a scone properly. He probably knows that the only valid way is jam first, then cream, but I bet it puts cream first then jam in order to make everyone around him feel uncomfortable. It's just the sort of wanker behaviour you expect from people like that.

Well you’ve made up that he’s so very concerned that without her money they’ll be teetering in the brink of ruin. And that his job is probably precarious. And that he’s an all round great guy. Yay!

Never mind, the fact that from the whole tone of OP’s posts, it’s clear that she is lacking confidence. The clues aren’t even subtle - the fact she is talking about ‘allowances’, or how he’s told her she will feel, or that she doesn’t know how to bring the subject up again.

No, this one is clearly a prince among men.

Well you’ve made up that he’s so very concerned that without her money they’ll be teetering in the brink of ruin

No, I've said that he has financial concerns about her not working and doesn't wish to be the sole earner. And pointed out to you the importance of money and what not having it might mean, because that's apparently not something you've ever learned.

And that his job is probably precarious.

No, I pointed out that being the sole earner means more than just continuing to go to work, but also having to be doubly conscious and concerned about job loss. Did you know a lot of people have lost their jobs since last March? Apparently there's been a bug going around or something.

And that he’s an all round great guy

Well, OP hasn't given any evidence that he's not, in fact she's said a number of nice things about him. I don't think a man is a thundering arsehole just because he uses his right of veto in an important joint lifestyle choice that he's under no obligation to agree to. You do, but you also think sharing the earning is the same as total abandonment and couldn't give a shit about his consent or feelings, so why should that mean anything?

Never mind, the fact that from the whole tone of OP’s posts, it’s clear that she is lacking confidence. The clues aren’t even subtle - the fact she is talking about ‘allowances’, or how he’s told her she will feel, or that she doesn’t know how to bring the subject up again.

I'll humour you and take the latest fiction, lacking confidence, seriously.

It's not any adult's job to bolster another's confidence by becoming their financial provider against their will. If she's that lacking in it, then working might be good for her. "Allowance" was her word, which she used to indicate her own concerns about what such a setup should mean. She gave no indication that her husband would see it that way. But as it is, he's not the one who wants there to be any situation that involves anything that could be construed as an allowance anyway, so it's a bit of a moot point.

And I'm not surprised she doesn't feel able to bring it up again. By her own account, she's done it numerous times ("he always says") and the guy has made it clear he doesn't want this. How many times are you allowed to pester someone before accepting that this mutual, joint lifestyle choice isn't what they want and you don't have the right to force it on them?

paloma2 I agree with everything you have said and you have now been the punch bag on this post for about 24hours (it was me then Babysharkdududududu).
There is literally no point in trying to get this small group of blinkered individuals to understand. I get it. The DH has to agree to her plans but if not, the default is that he gets his way and she compromises. It’s totally bonkers.
I’m not engaging with these posters as all I know is that they tell you that you have “golden uterus syndrome” when you get anywhere near to threatening their precious position.
Facts are, despite all the work for women’s equality, these idiots are actually handing it to the men! Being a SAHM isn’t taking a deferential role, nor is it entitled.
These people most likely have sad relationships where I bet the men are belittled, henpecked and fought with every day. Oh yes, they know that it’s true!! It sounds utterly painful to me.
Don’t worry - the armoury will be sent my way now and I don’t give a stuff! Funny how this bunch (ok one or two of three) have said how great their lives are, how balanced etc etc and I’ve observed tonight a full weekend of them replying to this forum! Well, they can’t have such wonderful balanced and fulfilling lives after all. paloma2 please go pour yourself a drink - you’re way over the hours of speaking up for our side and I’m on a glass now so please know you’re in good company. You don’t deserve the rudeness or the belittling. Honestly, it’s not worth fighting with. 🍷xx