Page 29 | To want to be a stay home mum?

wanttostayathome · 2021-10-27T14:09:02+00:00

So I've got about 6 months left of my maternity leave, and I already know for a fact I don't want to go back. I love being a mum and I want to take another year or two off to raise my baby before she starts school. Financially, it would be tight and although probably doable we'd have much less disposable income. My DH thinks I should go back for the money and also to have some balance between mum life and the old me. I however disagree. There's nothing more I want from my life than to raise my baby but I don't know how to approach this conversation with him, as I know my POV isn't the done thing and I should want to be able to juggle career and family. So, AIBU?

TractorAndHeadphones · 31/10/2021 18:55

@CustardCreamm

OP I was thinking about being a SAHM mum for a long time, however I did have twins so a slightly different position.

I did go back part time after a year maternity leave, lasted about 6 months, until I decided that I was really unhappy and no longer enjoyed my job, and also my twins got every bug and cold going, so I was often having to take time off unpaid to care for them.

Financially, it was pointless me working. My wage barely covered the nursery fees for 2 children. So myself and my husband discussed everything, including him being the sole breadwinner, and he was more than happy for me to have a break from work until the twins get their funded hours in less than 2 years.

This has been a massive weight off my shoulders, and I know that yes I won't have my own money and be putting into a pension, however it is only for 2 years and then I will go back to work once it is more viable to do so.

Do what is right for you and your family

See this right here is a sensible response @CustardCreamm you’re amazing

Once OP actually returns to work they may find that it makes sense for her to stay home. Or not. Husband could change his mind. As well

But a joint discussion is the key

DrSbaitso · 31/10/2021 18:57

@paloma2

The OP has said they could live off is salary and be fine, just have to cut back a bit. Again, it’s not indefinite.

It’s cost/benefit analysis at the end of the day. In his view, the benefit of her salary outweighs the cost (emotionally for mother and child) of the child in childcare. In her view, the benefit of her salary does not outweigh the emotional cost.

Her view is as valid as his, in my view.

The OP says they can, the husband - who would be doing all the earning - says otherwise, and he's not obliged to support an entire household if he doesn't need to or want to anyway.

If OP has the same level of understanding of money, and the same level of disrespect and ingratitude towards the earner as you, I can absolutely see why he's worried.

Her view is valid, but she doesn't get to force a role on him that he doesn't want. It's one of those things that require a unanimous agreement and it isn't happening here.

paloma2 · 31/10/2021 19:00

‘If he doesn't want to be the sole earner, he doesn't. ‘

If she doesn’t want to put her child in childcare. she doesn’t.

Do you realise how extremely traumatic this can be for some women? It’s not a case of, ‘oh is don’t really fancy it.’ Some women just can’t bring themselves to leave their child with someone else.

TractorAndHeadphones · 31/10/2021 19:04

@paloma2

‘If he doesn't want to be the sole earner, he doesn't. ‘

If she doesn’t want to put her child in childcare. she doesn’t.

Do you realise how extremely traumatic this can be for some women? It’s not a case of, ‘oh is don’t really fancy it.’ Some women just can’t bring themselves to leave their child with someone else.

Erm so having no money to buy what the family needs isn’t traumatic? Having to be the sole breadwinner isn’t traumatic, no wonder so many sole earners’ have MH breakdowns

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/money/2016/aug/19/men-breadwinners-health-effects-wellbeing

impact on women reversed because women are usually higher earners . While men can’t always afford a SAHP and things are ‘tight’ like in Op.

This is all irrelevant as the OP is sensible and is going to look at part-time options but really!

SirChenjins · 31/10/2021 19:05

She’s already said she’s going to look at p/t work or condensed hours - so far from being ‘traumatised’ by doing what millions of parents round the world do she’s taking the pragmatic approach to her family’s finances and her long term career prospects.

paloma2 · 31/10/2021 19:12

Well I got the impression they could cut their cloth for a year or so. If finances were that drastic, she wouldn’t even be considering extending her maternity.

Rightly or wrongly, for some women, the prospect of leaving your very young child with someone else is unthinkable. For those who feel like that, it’s an emotion like no other. You would literally do anything to avoid it.

DrSbaitso · 31/10/2021 19:15

@paloma2

‘If he doesn't want to be the sole earner, he doesn't. ‘

If she doesn’t want to put her child in childcare. she doesn’t.

Do you realise how extremely traumatic this can be for some women? It’s not a case of, ‘oh is don’t really fancy it.’ Some women just can’t bring themselves to leave their child with someone else.

Not more ridiculous false equivalences.

How have you got this far while thinking money or childcare are merely optional? Or that women have the right to force all financial responsibility on a man?

DrSbaitso · 31/10/2021 19:19

@paloma2

Well I got the impression they could cut their cloth for a year or so. If finances were that drastic, she wouldn’t even be considering extending her maternity.

Rightly or wrongly, for some women, the prospect of leaving your very young child with someone else is unthinkable. For those who feel like that, it’s an emotion like no other. You would literally do anything to avoid it.

The default for fit and able adults of working age is to provide for yourself and your dependents. You may be in an alternative private arrangement that's mutually consensual and beneficial, but it's absolutely not a given right for anyone.

If it's so unthinkable to do what millions of people, indeed most mothers, do, and use childcare, you'd better make sure you can somehow cover the bills. Maybe your husband is happy to support you, maybe you're independently wealthy...terrific. If not, it's not something anyone is obliged to provide for you against their will. Providing is the first requirement of childcare. It doesn't matter how attached you are if you're not securely housed and can't afford food or heating.

Nyxs · 31/10/2021 19:19

If finances were that drastic, she wouldn’t even be considering extending her maternity.

Except you have been anging on about damaging and anxiety causing this is for the op.

If its so emotionally damaging to her, she would still want to be a sahp regardless of finances. She may go back (as she is doing) bit she would still want to be a sahp. That anxiety and distress you keep talking about would be there.

You know the anxiety and stress that you claim the husband is obligated to help, but only if that help is agreeing to her being a sahp.

Anything else makes him a poor example of a man father. Which is what you have said you think.

Namenic · 31/10/2021 19:19

Choices are asymmetric. It’s easier and less risky to return to work after mat leave, save some money, then give up your job if it is not working than for OP to not return to work then get a job if financially it’s too tight.

I’d actually say that if circumstances were different (eg OP currently suffereing from PND which would be exacerbated by return to work; or child requiring multiple follow up hospital appts and specialist care), then it would be more risky for OP to return to work.

paloma2 · 31/10/2021 19:21

I didn’t force my my husband to do anything. We have the same outlook.

DrSbaitso · 31/10/2021 19:23

@paloma2

I didn’t force my my husband to do anything. We have the same outlook.

OP's husband doesn't.

paloma2 · 31/10/2021 19:23

‘ It doesn't matter how attached you are if you're not securely housed and can't afford food or heating.’

This is not the case here though.

TractorAndHeadphones · 31/10/2021 19:25

@paloma2

‘ It doesn't matter how attached you are if you're not securely housed and can't afford food or heating.’

This is not the case here though.

You don't know that. OP said 'probably', she hasn't presented a full financial breakdown.

paloma2 · 31/10/2021 19:27

No he doesn’t have the same outlook. But that doesn’t mean he gets to override her.

If she is a woman who would literally do anything rather than put her baby in childcare - then I don’t know what is to be done. She will resent him so much it will drive her away.

Namenic · 31/10/2021 19:28

Paloma2 - but it might happen if OPs DH lost his job or became ill and their mortgage and energy bills went up. Depends how you interpret ‘a bit tight’. Doesn’t sound like OP and her DH had planned for the additional year of mat leave.

DrSbaitso · 31/10/2021 19:28

@paloma2

‘ It doesn't matter how attached you are if you're not securely housed and can't afford food or heating.’

This is not the case here though.

It might well be the case that they'd be living hand to mouth and fucked if the boiler breaks down. At any rate, it'll be tighter than the husband feels safe with and he isn't obliged to facilitate someone's wish to abdicate all financial responsibility.

Just come out and own the fact that you don't believe this needs to be a joint decision, and you think women should be allowed to guilt trip men into taking on all financial responsibility. You'll actually look better than using all the risible false equivalences and pretences that you care at all about "facilitating his life".

orangespotatoes · 31/10/2021 19:30

I was in your position and didn't go back, though I had suspected I wouldn't want to and DH earns well so financially we've been fine. Eldest is now 5, youngest is almost 3 and tbh, I wish I'd left myself with more options. In that pregnancy/baby days everything gets so clouded and you don't realise you'll blink and they'll be so much more independent. Now I want to start contributing financially, I want something for ME, DH's work is so intense I'm worried he's going to have a heart attack in a few years but we seem to have back ourselves into a corner a bit as I've been out of the workforce for so long. And the children feel excessively reliant on me, particularly for bedtimes and through the night. I still can't go out for dinner solo unless it's after the kids are in bed.
I'm not sure what else we could have done as neither of us wanted the children in childcare, we have no family around, but I do know things feel quite limited in terms of options going forwards.
The other thing you need to think of in terms of finances is having enough left over each month to pay into a pension for you etc. We overpay on the mortgage by a lot, put extra into a pension for me, plus have savings. We've built up a buffer so we are very secure if something happened to DH/he lost his job. And I have significant life insurance as DH would be fucked without me.

steff13 · 31/10/2021 19:34

My neighbor wanted to have the option to stay home when their daughter was born. So when she got pregnant, they started saving her entire income. They got used to living on one salary and had a nice buffer in the bank when their daughter was born.

A decision like this is often too big to make on a whim. I've had three kids, and I've also always been the primary (and sometimes sole) breadwinner. It's very stressful being your family's sole financial support. It's not fair to dismiss how challenging that can be.

paloma2 · 31/10/2021 19:35

No, if her working is the difference between having a roof over their heads or not, then I don’t think she should be ‘guilt tripping’ him.

But if they can afford it for a bit longer, I don’t think he should be guilt-tripping her.

In this case, I get the distinct impression he is a tight git. Can’t say for sure, but I’m getting that vibe...

SpinsForGin · 31/10/2021 19:41

In this case, I get the distinct impression he is a tight git. Can’t say for sure, but I’m getting that vibe...

That's just you projecting. There is nothing at all in any of the OPs posts to suggest this. You're just making things up now!

LolaSmiles · 31/10/2021 19:48

I know a few people who did that steff13. I also know a few people who returned from maternity to work (school) at summer half term, worked their 13 weeks not to pay occupational pay back and then left to be a SAHP or to set up self employer around their DC.

It's all about the couple planning what is best for the family in the short, medium and long term.

In this case, I get the distinct impression he is a tight git. Can’t say for sure, but I’m getting that vibe.
A tight git for not wanting to be solely responsible for financially funding a household and having this responsibility dropped on him after baby arrives?

It's funny how you seem wedded to the idea that a woman should be able to dictate the whole family lifestyle needs to change, that finances will be tight and that the burden of financing the family falls to her spouse.
You seem to present the idea of a woman not being able to unilaterally decide to be a SAHP as some sort of trauma, but seem very dismissive of the impact that forcing someone to be financially responsible for a family unit (when the finances are tight) might have on them.

SirChenjins · 31/10/2021 20:01

In this case, I get the distinct impression he is a tight git. Can’t say for sure, but I’m getting that vibe

Completely baseless comments like that make you look rather foolish.

DrSbaitso · 31/10/2021 20:03

Inthis case, I get the distinct impression he is a tight git. Can’t say for sure, but I’m getting that vibe...

Of course you do. It's as baseless and self-serving as everything else you've subjected us to in your contributions here.

paloma2 · 31/10/2021 20:29

The OP wouldn’t have posted in MN if she didn’t feel her husband was being unfair. If it was as clear cut as them not being able to survive without her salary, she wouldn’t have posted. She doesn’t sound entitled at all and my reading of her posts is that she’s feels powerless to even express her feelings to him. I think this is very sad, as I say.

By the way, if I’m projecting, so is just about everyone else. You do realise this? Unless you are the DH in question? So no need to resort to rudeness, simply because you may not agree with me. Thanks.