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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to be a stay home mum?

999 replies

wanttostayathome · 27/10/2021 15:09

So I've got about 6 months left of my maternity leave, and I already know for a fact I don't want to go back. I love being a mum and I want to take another year or two off to raise my baby before she starts school.

Financially, it would be tight and although probably doable we'd have much less disposable income. My DH thinks I should go back for the money and also to have some balance between mum life and the old me.

I however disagree. There's nothing more I want from my life than to raise my baby but I don't know how to approach this conversation with him, as I know my POV isn't the done thing and I should want to be able to juggle career and family.

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
paloma2 · 31/10/2021 22:37

More and more peculiar by the minute.

spaceghetto · 31/10/2021 22:39

I stayed at home until my ds was 3, best years of my life! I work part time now as we needed another income. I feel so fortunate to have the lovely memories.

DrSbaitso · 31/10/2021 22:40

@LolaSmiles

DrSbaitso I reckon he's going to turn out to be one of those awful people who doesn't put jam and cream on a scone properly. He probably knows that the only valid way is jam first, then cream, but I bet it puts cream first then jam in order to make everyone around him feel uncomfortable. It's just the sort of wanker behaviour you expect from people like that.

Wink

Nah, I'm going with a sort of Fight Club style thing in which good old paloma2 is actually the alter ego of the husband. It's the inability to reconcile the two conflicting personalities that's causing all the wild fiction amd ridiculous false equivalences. OP is Helena Bonham Carter and will soon be watching the explosive fire that this thread has become in light of all the claims that a mutual decision is actually a mother's unilateral decision and shared earning is the same as abandonment and whatever the flip else there's been. I have a headache.
DrSbaitso · 31/10/2021 22:43

The DH has to agree to her plans but if not, the default is that he gets his way and she compromises.

You mean, the default is that a fit and able adult works and doesn't get to unilaterally pass off all financial responsibility to someone else? Correct. Why is it only ok for her to get her way and he compromises?

Sadly it's just one of those things, like having a child, that has to have everyone on board or else it doesn't happen. Others do not exist to facilitate your choices at their own expense when they don't want to. I hope you're teaching your own kids that.

steff13 · 31/10/2021 22:47

The DH has to agree to her plans but if not, the default is that he gets his way and she compromises.

She's not compromising, she's continuing the arrangement to which they had previously agreed. By wanting to be a SAHM, she's changing the goal posts.

The OP has admitted that they can't really afford for her to stay at home, so I don't really know why you're still fighting this fight. Or do you expect a husband to take a second job so that she can stay at home?

AudacityBaby · 31/10/2021 22:50

I’m the one who brought up golden uterus syndrome and I’m a childless single lesbian, with sole responsibility for keeping a roof over my head.

Kind of evidences the issue with making assumptions really, doesn’t it?

Anotherlongroad · 31/10/2021 22:50

DrSbaitsoso, having children was MY CHOICE? Unilaterally?? It takes two tonnage a baby you donut.
We discussed. It. As.A. Couple. And. Decided. The. Way.We.Would.Do.Things.

Maybe more people need to discuss the kids thing early in relationships before it gets close to the point where the guy goes “oh, shit! I can’t possibly do this!!”

Anotherlongroad · 31/10/2021 22:51

To make not tonnage

steff13 · 31/10/2021 22:54

Maybe the OP should have brought up that she wanted to be a SAHM before the baby came and they had the ability to prepare for that. Instead of deciding that's what she wanted six months after the baby was born.

Anotherlongroad · 31/10/2021 23:00

Seems to me all you women are married, sorry, “in equal partnership” with complete limp lettuces. Do you chastise them for holding open doors for you? Oh, but I bet you shout at them for not helping to push the trolley around Tesco. Poor poor chaps. Honestly, let them go play golf or football or whatever it is and even have a pint or two. They will resent you far less long term when you’ve overtaken them with your highflying career if things don’t work out how they planned. Controlling behaviour is ugly and never produces results long term where everyone is happy. Just chill ladies. Just chill.

Fetarabbit · 31/10/2021 23:03

What the fuck is this thread?

paloma2 · 31/10/2021 23:08

Watch this space in 12 months -

AIBU? My husband is a wonderful father and he’s so amazing and he really does love us so much. But since I had to go back to work part-time due to my child, I feel that I have no disposable income. I need to buy a few things - like shampoo - but how can I raise this subject with him? He’s the financially sensible one you see. When I tried to raise it before, he told me to go full time at work and I’d be so much happier then. I know it’s only fair that I contribute to all bills and everything 50/50 but I don’t seem to have anything left for myself these days. I know it’s not the done thing to ask and he is such a wonderful father and I’m very lucky, but AIBU to ask for a small allowance to buy DD a coat?

Cue the MN massive. “Why should he subsidise you, you part- timer. Just get more childcare. I went back full-time when mine was 2 days old because we are equal partners and everything is 50/50...,, rah rah rah...”

OP - “Thank you do much lovely MN. I can see I was expecting too far much from my DH. I’ll just wash my hair with Fairy liquid in future and the baby can just wear a cushion cover or something.”

Fetarabbit · 31/10/2021 23:11

@paloma2

Watch this space in 12 months -

AIBU? My husband is a wonderful father and he’s so amazing and he really does love us so much. But since I had to go back to work part-time due to my child, I feel that I have no disposable income. I need to buy a few things - like shampoo - but how can I raise this subject with him? He’s the financially sensible one you see. When I tried to raise it before, he told me to go full time at work and I’d be so much happier then. I know it’s only fair that I contribute to all bills and everything 50/50 but I don’t seem to have anything left for myself these days. I know it’s not the done thing to ask and he is such a wonderful father and I’m very lucky, but AIBU to ask for a small allowance to buy DD a coat?

Cue the MN massive. “Why should he subsidise you, you part- timer. Just get more childcare. I went back full-time when mine was 2 days old because we are equal partners and everything is 50/50...,, rah rah rah...”

OP - “Thank you do much lovely MN. I can see I was expecting too far much from my DH. I’ll just wash my hair with Fairy liquid in future and the baby can just wear a cushion cover or something.”

What? Also no, threads never go like that, it's invariably the case that people overwhelmingly say it should all be family money and shared. Not sure why you're concocting really random scenarios that bare no resemblance to the OP thinking they're proving a point Confused
MissMaple82 · 31/10/2021 23:16

I was the same, and I only decided to go back to work when my child was 3.5. I don't think you need his approval. You don't get these early years back, blink and you miss it. I'd just make it clear you've no intention of going back and you'll adjust as everyone does.

AudacityBaby · 31/10/2021 23:17

@Anotherlongroad

Seems to me all you women are married, sorry, “in equal partnership” with complete limp lettuces. Do you chastise them for holding open doors for you? Oh, but I bet you shout at them for not helping to push the trolley around Tesco. Poor poor chaps. Honestly, let them go play golf or football or whatever it is and even have a pint or two. They will resent you far less long term when you’ve overtaken them with your highflying career if things don’t work out how they planned. Controlling behaviour is ugly and never produces results long term where everyone is happy. Just chill ladies. Just chill.
Wrong on every single count.

Single lesbian. I need no man. I open my own doors, I push my own trolley (do people really push a trolley together?!), and I’m answerable to myself and myself only.

So no need to be concerned that I’m coercing some poor defenceless chap into an equal relationship where both parties share the financial burden of a life tigerher.

Bathtoy · 31/10/2021 23:18

@Anotherlongroad

Seems to me all you women are married, sorry, “in equal partnership” with complete limp lettuces. Do you chastise them for holding open doors for you? Oh, but I bet you shout at them for not helping to push the trolley around Tesco. Poor poor chaps. Honestly, let them go play golf or football or whatever it is and even have a pint or two. They will resent you far less long term when you’ve overtaken them with your highflying career if things don’t work out how they planned. Controlling behaviour is ugly and never produces results long term where everyone is happy. Just chill ladies. Just chill.
Your brain is a strange, strange place.
paloma2 · 31/10/2021 23:19

That’s exactly how I read this thread.

steff13 · 31/10/2021 23:21

@MissMaple82

I was the same, and I only decided to go back to work when my child was 3.5. I don't think you need his approval. You don't get these early years back, blink and you miss it. I'd just make it clear you've no intention of going back and you'll adjust as everyone does.
If you're asking someone to support you I think you actually do need their approval. Or at least their agreement.
paloma2 · 31/10/2021 23:21

That was to Fetarabbit.

Anotherlongroad · 31/10/2021 23:24

AudacityBaby well with the greatest of respect none of this is relevant to you is it? And yes, my DH finds the trolley pushing scenario hilarious. It’s a common thing on a Saturday morning…..

AudacityBaby · 31/10/2021 23:27

@Anotherlongroad

AudacityBaby well with the greatest of respect none of this is relevant to you is it? And yes, my DH finds the trolley pushing scenario hilarious. It’s a common thing on a Saturday morning…..
Ohhh sorry. Didn’t realise I needed to be a straight married women with kids to respond to this thread. Will go back into my box now.
Fetarabbit · 31/10/2021 23:30

@paloma2

That’s exactly how I read this thread.
Judging by your previous responses, I would very much suggest that's just you rather than the actual responses on the thread.
Anotherlongroad · 31/10/2021 23:30

AudacityBaby You definitely don’t need to be straight married to take part. You just are not being pointed at for certain types of behaviour eg woman bossing man around with trolley cos you clearly are not that person. Dont take mock offence.

paloma2 · 31/10/2021 23:30

I’m not married to a limp lettuce Anotherlongroad. Not sure about the trolley dynamic, but he’s always been very good with doors. And in 14 years, he’s never once asked me when I’m going back to work. He’s just delighted his kids have their mum with them and that he had a wife who is prepared to do it. As are most men who have SAH wives on this planet earth. Who knew?

Aria999 · 31/10/2021 23:32

@Fetarabbit

What the fuck is this thread?
Well until about Thursday it was sensible enough. OP was engaged. Then she said thanks bye and now its.... grimly fascinating?