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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to be a stay home mum?

999 replies

wanttostayathome · 27/10/2021 15:09

So I've got about 6 months left of my maternity leave, and I already know for a fact I don't want to go back. I love being a mum and I want to take another year or two off to raise my baby before she starts school.

Financially, it would be tight and although probably doable we'd have much less disposable income. My DH thinks I should go back for the money and also to have some balance between mum life and the old me.

I however disagree. There's nothing more I want from my life than to raise my baby but I don't know how to approach this conversation with him, as I know my POV isn't the done thing and I should want to be able to juggle career and family.

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
Nyxs · 31/10/2021 18:06

@paloma2

Why does he get to veto her though? Why does she have a lesser say in how they proceed as a family?

Earning a salary doesn’t mean your views matter more.

Because he will carry the full responsibility of earning the money to keep them above water.

If you want to do something buy it lands a huge amount of responsibility on someone else and they don't want the responsibility, you don't get to do it.

DrSbaitso · 31/10/2021 18:08

@paloma2

Why does he get to veto her though? Why does she have a lesser say in how they proceed as a family?

Earning a salary doesn’t mean your views matter more.

They have equal says! And being a SAHP is a joint decision! She could veto doing it if he wanted her to and she wanted to keep working! Either of them can veto it because it has to be something they both agree to!

How do you not understand this? I'd never agree to stay home, or be sole provider, for anyone who saw this the way you do. It's entitled and grossly unfair.

SirChenjins · 31/10/2021 18:10

@paloma2

Are you a man SirChenjins? Presumably your wife wanted to go back to work, so all good.

Would you have forced her back before she was ready though?

What makes you think I’m a man?
paloma2 · 31/10/2021 18:10

‘If you want to do something buy it lands a huge amount of responsibility on someone else and they don't want the responsibility, you don't get to do it.’

Imagine if a woman came home from the hospital and announced - ‘sorry, you’ve made me have this baby and I’ve decided, on balance, I don’t want the responsibility. I dint want to be the ‘sole carer’ while you’re at work. So glad we had this discussion. I’ll be off then. Deal with it....’

SirChenjins · 31/10/2021 18:12

@paloma2

‘If you want to do something buy it lands a huge amount of responsibility on someone else and they don't want the responsibility, you don't get to do it.’

Imagine if a woman came home from the hospital and announced - ‘sorry, you’ve made me have this baby and I’ve decided, on balance, I don’t want the responsibility. I dint want to be the ‘sole carer’ while you’re at work. So glad we had this discussion. I’ll be off then. Deal with it....’

That makes literally no sense at all- you need a better comparison.
DrSbaitso · 31/10/2021 18:13

@paloma2

Are you a man SirChenjins? Presumably your wife wanted to go back to work, so all good.

Would you have forced her back before she was ready though?

You'd force a man to take on a huge financial responsibility if he didn't want to, so who are you to talk?

If it's such a piece of piss, why are you so anxious not to do it?

Why do all your "vetos" and "forcing" work only only way?

At least own the fact that you clearly do not believe having a SAHP should be a joint decision and is instead something that women have a right to foist on men, however they feel about it.

You're exactly like those men who say their wives who stay home are lazy and just doss all day, then run away every time they're expected to do any of this easy childcare non-work. I can't believe that you don't see it.

SpinsForGin · 31/10/2021 18:15

Imagine if a woman came home from the hospital and announced - ‘sorry, you’ve made me have this baby and I’ve decided, on balance, I don’t want the responsibility. I dint want to be the ‘sole carer’ while you’re at work. So glad we had this discussion. I’ll be off then. Deal with it....’

What??

SpinsForGin · 31/10/2021 18:17

paloma2
You clearly believe in very defined gender roles. Most people don't subscribe to that way of thinking anymore.

paloma2 · 31/10/2021 18:17

But she’s not vetoing him. He wants her to go back to work before she’s ready. So she feels she has no choice.

Again, why do his financial concerns take precedence over her concerns for the well-being of her child? She’s not thinking about herself here.

SirChenjins · 31/10/2021 18:22

The well-being of the child will be paramount to him I’m sure - just as it is for all of us parents who work outside the home. Financial concerns can’t be dismissed though - they impact upon the whole family.

paloma2 · 31/10/2021 18:22

What do you mean? If I was a man and my wife had had a baby, do you think I’d be sending her back to work, the minute her maternity ran out, if she was highly anxious about this prospect? Of course I wouldn’t do that, unless there was absolutely no other option. I wouldn’t even be thinking about myself.

Nyxs · 31/10/2021 18:23

@paloma2

‘If you want to do something buy it lands a huge amount of responsibility on someone else and they don't want the responsibility, you don't get to do it.’

Imagine if a woman came home from the hospital and announced - ‘sorry, you’ve made me have this baby and I’ve decided, on balance, I don’t want the responsibility. I dint want to be the ‘sole carer’ while you’re at work. So glad we had this discussion. I’ll be off then. Deal with it....’

Then she could return to work. Earlier than planned and BOTH of them would have to work out childcare together.

Who made anyone have a baby? Op didn't say her husband or her dont want the baby anymore.

If a woman is forced to have a baby there's huge issues there already.

If a woman willingly got pregnant or willingly continue the pregnancy (if it was unplanned) and keep the baby, they are accepting the responsibility. That's what they have chosen.

And why would a woman returning to work put all the responsibility for the child on to the father?

If you are talking about women who walk away from their child, this happens. But the people would no longer be in a relationship.

People who have children and put all the responsibility onto the other parent, when the other parent thought they were signing up to be parents together, are dicks.

Your situation isn't relevant at all. As the woman would have chosen the responbility and accept it. Then changed her mind.

The ops husband hasn't changed his mind. At no point did he choose to accept full financial responsibility.

SirChenjins · 31/10/2021 18:25

If I had had a baby do you think I’d be refusing to go back to work when my year long maternity leave ran out, if my partner was highly anxious about the prospect of bro g the sole breadwinner and putting out family in a tight financial position? Of course I wouldn’t do that, unless there was absolutely no other option. I wouldn’t even be thinking about myself.

TractorAndHeadphones · 31/10/2021 18:25

@paloma2

What do you mean? If I was a man and my wife had had a baby, do you think I’d be sending her back to work, the minute her maternity ran out, if she was highly anxious about this prospect? Of course I wouldn’t do that, unless there was absolutely no other option. I wouldn’t even be thinking about myself.
It’s not about the man - it’s the financial situation of the WHOLE family. Again - women aren’t just working for pin money such that an entire FT working adult salary can be foregone.
TractorAndHeadphones · 31/10/2021 18:26

Also to add - there’s tight in as ‘sacrificing luxuries’ and tight as in ‘if the boiler broke we’d be fucked’.

paloma2 · 31/10/2021 18:29

The OP said the husband freely admits he couldn’t cope with being a SAHP and wouldn’t entertain the idea.

That’s forcing that particular responsibility onto her, no? Any sign of him offering to take paternity leave to be ‘sole carer’ for a stint? No.

So what if she had just refused and ‘forced’ him to do it?

paloma2 · 31/10/2021 18:31

‘If I had had a baby do you think I’d be refusing to go back to work when my year long maternity leave ran out, if my partner was highly anxious about the prospect of bro g the sole breadwinner and putting out family in a tight financial position? Of course I wouldn’t do that, unless there was absolutely no other option. I wouldn’t even be thinking about myself.’

You wouldn’t be thinking about yourself, no. You’d be thinking about your baby. You might decide the needs of you baby trump the needs of your husbands at this time.

SpinsForGin · 31/10/2021 18:33

@paloma2

What do you mean? If I was a man and my wife had had a baby, do you think I’d be sending her back to work, the minute her maternity ran out, if she was highly anxious about this prospect? Of course I wouldn’t do that, unless there was absolutely no other option. I wouldn’t even be thinking about myself.
Your language is really telling. You talk about men forcing their wives back to work and assign very specific gender roles in relationships when that's really not what's happening here.
Nyxs · 31/10/2021 18:35

@paloma2

The OP said the husband freely admits he couldn’t cope with being a SAHP and wouldn’t entertain the idea.

That’s forcing that particular responsibility onto her, no? Any sign of him offering to take paternity leave to be ‘sole carer’ for a stint? No.

So what if she had just refused and ‘forced’ him to do it?

No it's not.

Not being able to cope being a sahp doesn't mean you don't do any oftentimes at all or take equal (or more) responsibility when you are home. You aren't absolving yourself of parenting by not being a sahp.

How do you think single parents who work manage? Those kids just are parented? The parents works and then doesn't do anything with or for the kids?

Its not forcing an responsibility onto her. She is on MAT leave which is entirely her choice. Her child is 6 months old and she can return to work and nor be a sahp.

She doesn't have to have anymore responsibility for the child because he works. He was always going to work. That's what op accepted and chose when she had this baby.

Him remaining in work changes nothing about the situation as its always been the plan.

How exactly does she force him to be sahp? By walking out? Single parents still work. She could leave. Absolve herself of any responsibility and he could still remain in work. Would be difficult, but more than likely he could do it.

You are rambling and comparing situations that aren't the same.

LolaSmiles · 31/10/2021 18:35

Of course there's a difference between working as a single person with responsibility just for yourself, and bearing the entire financial responsibility for a family home, everything your children and partner need and so on. Many take on higher paid and higher stress jobs to increase salary, and have more pressure to perform well. Fine if they are happy with that, nought wrong with it, but reasonable to not want to do it as well
Don't go spouting common sense like that. It's really inconvenient to those posters who think one person should be allowed to dictate that another adult becomes financially responsible for them with zero say in the change of arrangements.

CustardCreamm · 31/10/2021 18:38

OP I was thinking about being a SAHM mum for a long time, however I did have twins so a slightly different position.

I did go back part time after a year maternity leave, lasted about 6 months, until I decided that I was really unhappy and no longer enjoyed my job, and also my twins got every bug and cold going, so I was often having to take time off unpaid to care for them.

Financially, it was pointless me working. My wage barely covered the nursery fees for 2 children. So myself and my husband discussed everything, including him being the sole breadwinner, and he was more than happy for me to have a break from work until the twins get their funded hours in less than 2 years.

This has been a massive weight off my shoulders, and I know that yes I won't have my own money and be putting into a pension, however it is only for 2 years and then I will go back to work once it is more viable to do so.

Do what is right for you and your family Smile

DrSbaitso · 31/10/2021 18:40

@paloma2

But she’s not vetoing him. He wants her to go back to work before she’s ready. So she feels she has no choice.

Again, why do his financial concerns take precedence over her concerns for the well-being of her child? She’s not thinking about herself here.

There it is again: "his" financial concerns, as if they don't impact upon the whole family! As if money doesn't matter! As if providing isn't a very basic element of a child's wellbeing!

Have you ever actually had to live without money or earn it yourself? I don't think I've ever heard anyone sound so out of touch and ignorant about it.

DrSbaitso · 31/10/2021 18:44

@paloma2

‘If you want to do something buy it lands a huge amount of responsibility on someone else and they don't want the responsibility, you don't get to do it.’

Imagine if a woman came home from the hospital and announced - ‘sorry, you’ve made me have this baby and I’ve decided, on balance, I don’t want the responsibility. I dint want to be the ‘sole carer’ while you’re at work. So glad we had this discussion. I’ll be off then. Deal with it....’

You think abandoning your family is the same thing as sharing financial responsibility for it?

What are you smoking? And why aren't you sharing?

paloma2 · 31/10/2021 18:50

The OP has said they could live off is salary and be fine, just have to cut back a bit. Again, it’s not indefinite.

It’s cost/benefit analysis at the end of the day. In his view, the benefit of her salary outweighs the cost (emotionally for mother and child) of the child in childcare. In her view, the benefit of her salary does not outweigh the emotional cost.

Her view is as valid as his, in my view.

Nyxs · 31/10/2021 18:54

@paloma2

The OP has said they could live off is salary and be fine, just have to cut back a bit. Again, it’s not indefinite.

It’s cost/benefit analysis at the end of the day. In his view, the benefit of her salary outweighs the cost (emotionally for mother and child) of the child in childcare. In her view, the benefit of her salary does not outweigh the emotional cost.

Her view is as valid as his, in my view.

It doesn't really matter is she feels they will have to cut back a bit.

If he doesn't want to be the sole earner, he doesn't.

He has no obligation to. He has not changed any goal posts. He isn't forcing all the responsibility for the child onto her, or any other nonsense you have tried to use.

And your version of cut back may not be the same as the ops OR her husbands.

Most households can nor afford to lose one full time wage and cope with just cutting back on Netflix and sky TV.