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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to be a stay home mum?

999 replies

wanttostayathome · 27/10/2021 15:09

So I've got about 6 months left of my maternity leave, and I already know for a fact I don't want to go back. I love being a mum and I want to take another year or two off to raise my baby before she starts school.

Financially, it would be tight and although probably doable we'd have much less disposable income. My DH thinks I should go back for the money and also to have some balance between mum life and the old me.

I however disagree. There's nothing more I want from my life than to raise my baby but I don't know how to approach this conversation with him, as I know my POV isn't the done thing and I should want to be able to juggle career and family.

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
SpinsForGin · 31/10/2021 16:57

@paloma2

Also, why all the dramatic hoo-haa about being the ‘sole provider.’ All it’s means is that he’s going to work, as he is anyway. He’d be doing the same if he was single. She’s not asking him to take on extra work or change his routine. Nor is she asking him to be the almighty golden balls ‘sole provider’ indefinitely. It’s only a year or so fgs.
You sound quite angry about a situation you know very little about. Like I've said, it sounds like your projecting 🤷🏼‍♀️
paloma2 · 31/10/2021 17:01

I just feel bad for the OP that she came on this thread and has been told she is BU to expect this from her husband. I disagree. I think most men, in this situation with a wife who really doesn’t want to leave her baby just yet, would go to whatever lengths necessary to make that happen.

DrSbaitso · 31/10/2021 17:01

why all the dramatic hoo-haa about being the ‘sole provider.’

Is that a serious question?

You do it if it's such a piddling task. It's not just about going to work, it's about having no leeway for losing your job or getting a pay cut. How can you not realise that?

Like an earlier poster who declared that money wasn't important to her (since she didn't need to earn any), this kind of talk just makes you look unbelievably out of touch and unappreciative.

paloma2 · 31/10/2021 17:03

When I say ‘make that happen’ I mean keep the baby with his / her mum for a while longer.

Pawsforsort · 31/10/2021 17:03

@paloma2

Also, why all the dramatic hoo-haa about being the ‘sole provider.’ All it’s means is that he’s going to work, as he is anyway. He’d be doing the same if he was single. She’s not asking him to take on extra work or change his routine. Nor is she asking him to be the almighty golden balls ‘sole provider’ indefinitely. It’s only a year or so fgs.
Of course there's a difference between working as a single person with responsibility just for yourself, and bearing the entire financial responsibility for a family home, everything your children and partner need and so on. Many take on higher paid and higher stress jobs to increase salary, and have more pressure to perform well. Fine if they are happy with that, nought wrong with it, but reasonable to not want to do it as well.
DrSbaitso · 31/10/2021 17:06

If you think being the sole provider for an entire family is not a big deal, you've really got no right to complain about people not appreciating the job of staying at home. Why is it OK to play down one but not the other?

I can't believe that, after the last 18 months and so many people being plunged into financial shit due to the pandemic, anyone could fail to understand this kind of concern.

paloma2 · 31/10/2021 17:06

Is his job in serious jeopardy in the next year? The OP doesn’t say that. Maybe he could get another job easily. Who knows?

If anyone should be appreciative, it’s him, for having a wife who’s not demanding he takes time out for his child or goes part-time.

Namenic · 31/10/2021 17:07

What if he is more financially conservative? What if he gets made redundant/sick at a time when mortgages and fuel costs go up? It would affect the whole family if something like that happened. If they all accept it, that’s fine. If they planned it before the child, also fine. If they try and save so OP can do it in the future - also fine. What if OP wanted to take another year after this one - to go up to school age?

It’s kinda like buying a house with someone. One wants to max out the mortgage, the other wants to be more cautious. Personally I would err on the caution side (more so if you have dependents) - but there can be different opinions.

paloma2 · 31/10/2021 17:09

An entire family of 3 though, Dr Sbaitso. For a year.

He hardly has six kids and a wife refusing to work ever again.

SpinsForGin · 31/10/2021 17:14

I can't believe that, after the last 18 months and so many people being plunged into financial shit due to the pandemic, anyone could fail to understand this kind of concern.

Exactly.

It might 'only be for a year' but a year is a long time and the op made it clear that she probably wouldn't be able to return to her role/sector if she chose to leave so that's risky in itself.

SirChenjins · 31/10/2021 17:18

An entire family of 3 though, Dr Sbaitso. For a year. He hardly has six kids and a wife refusing to work ever again

Do you know what their outgoings are? What her husband earns? Of course you don’t - so when the OP says it will be tight we have to believe her - why would anyone would willingly put themselves into a precarious position, esp in this climate.

SpinsForGin · 31/10/2021 17:22

And it's not necessarily a year. The OP has says a year or two .....

paloma2 · 31/10/2021 17:25

But ‘what ifs’ could apply both ways. What if the OP gets depressed at the situation she finds herself in? What if the nursery is awful and the baby is always ill? What if, a previously settled baby, starts waking in the night for attention or becomes unsettled in other ways. This won’t make his life any easier in the next year either. He might start to wish he’d taken his wife up on her offer.

SirChenjins · 31/10/2021 17:31

Then they’ll cross that bridge if they come to it - as those of us who work do.

Right now is what matters - and he doesn’t want to assume the sole financial burden as things stand.

AudacityBaby · 31/10/2021 17:31

@paloma2

And I can’t believe anyone who identifies as a feminist (or frankly, any woman full stop) would use such a misogynistic phrase as ‘golden uterus syndrome’ to describe a mother wanting to be with her own toddler! On a parenting forum. Seriously? The patriarchy, as you would no doubt put it, has done a number on some people. Who needs misogyny anymore when women are doing it to each other?
I’m not using it to describe a woman wanting to be at home with her toddler. That’s a fine choice if both parties are happy with it.

I’m using it to describe posters who think that a woman having had a baby means that she should be able to unilaterally decide that her spouse has to be the sole earner for the entire household. That’s the definition of GUS.

SpinsForGin · 31/10/2021 17:32

@paloma2

But ‘what ifs’ could apply both ways. What if the OP gets depressed at the situation she finds herself in? What if the nursery is awful and the baby is always ill? What if, a previously settled baby, starts waking in the night for attention or becomes unsettled in other ways. This won’t make his life any easier in the next year either. He might start to wish he’d taken his wife up on her offer.
You're assuming it's about making his life easier? There is nothing to suggest this is the case.
Namenic · 31/10/2021 17:33

In all these situations OP going part time sounds like a middle ground.

Some changes are easier to reverse than others. IF OP doesn’t go back to work, it is likely it will be harder to get another job (after 1.5yrs out) than it will for her to quit her job if she gets depressed or baby doesn’t settle.

DrSbaitso · 31/10/2021 17:34

@paloma2

An entire family of 3 though, Dr Sbaitso. For a year.

He hardly has six kids and a wife refusing to work ever again.

Why are you so unappreciative and dismissive of what's being asked of him? How would you react to him saying to OP, after she became a SAHM: "It's only one child, it's hardly the Von Trapps, it's only for a year, you're just dossing"?
DrSbaitso · 31/10/2021 17:38

@paloma2

But ‘what ifs’ could apply both ways. What if the OP gets depressed at the situation she finds herself in? What if the nursery is awful and the baby is always ill? What if, a previously settled baby, starts waking in the night for attention or becomes unsettled in other ways. This won’t make his life any easier in the next year either. He might start to wish he’d taken his wife up on her offer.
What if HE gets depressed at the situation? What if the baby loves nursery and enjoys rude health and good sleep? What if there's a third pandemic wave and the husband loses his job? What if aliens land and threaten to destroy Earth unless Chris Hemsworth agrees to be my lover and father my children?
SilverGlitterBaubles · 31/10/2021 17:41

If the OP says things will be tight on one salary then that affects them both. So perhaps extras like meals out, days out and holidays will have to be sacrificed and how will her DH feel with the burden of financial responsibility being 100% on his shoulders? If this is to work he needs to be totally onboard. Nothing like a bit of stress and simmering resentment to mess up a relationship.

paloma2 · 31/10/2021 17:47

Why are you so unappreciative and dismissive of what's being asked of him? ‘How would you react to him saying to OP, after she became a SAHM: "It's only one child, it's hardly the Von Trapps, it's only for a year, you're just dossing"?’

Well I’ve never met a man who needs round of applause, just for doing the job he has chosen to do and is facilitated to do by the fact his wife looks after HIS child while he’s doing it.

And no, they are not the Vonn Trapps yet. We have three children and my husband has always been ‘sole provider’. He thinks nothing of it because why would he want external people involved with his children when he doesn’t need to. Maybe I should nominate him for some sort of special prize of mankind.

The bar seems so very low for men nowadays.

DrSbaitso · 31/10/2021 17:57

@paloma2

Why are you so unappreciative and dismissive of what's being asked of him? ‘How would you react to him saying to OP, after she became a SAHM: "It's only one child, it's hardly the Von Trapps, it's only for a year, you're just dossing"?’

Well I’ve never met a man who needs round of applause, just for doing the job he has chosen to do and is facilitated to do by the fact his wife looks after HIS child while he’s doing it.

And no, they are not the Vonn Trapps yet. We have three children and my husband has always been ‘sole provider’. He thinks nothing of it because why would he want external people involved with his children when he doesn’t need to. Maybe I should nominate him for some sort of special prize of mankind.

The bar seems so very low for men nowadays.

Oh no, don't try to weaponise the "low bar for men" to make out that men are morally obliged to take on sole financial responsibility for a household when it's not what they want. Being a SAHP should be a joint decision and you don't get to manipulate the idea of male obligation for finances that way. It's dishonest and distasteful.

Well I’ve never met a man who needs round of applause, just for doing the job he has chosen to do and is facilitated to do by the fact his wife looks after HIS child while he’s doing it.

What are you on about? He doesn't want a round of applause. He doesn't want to do it at all! You're pretending that it's about facilitating his life, but you couldn't care less about him. He's said that he would not find this beneficial for him, and he would be more facilitated by OP continuing to bring in money. So not only are you dismissive of the role you think he should be guilt tripped into doing, you're also bulldozing how he feels about it.

You would never accept someone speaking this way about a SAHM: that her role is a piece of piss because it's only one child, and that you, not she, gets to determine what she finds best facilitates her life. If you agree that someone being a SAHP should be a joint decision, you also agree that the earning partner has equal power of veto.

Stop pretending that you're in anyvway motivated by what he wants when you're dismissing everything he's said about it. He doesn't want to do it and that's as much a veto as if OP didn't want to stay home.

SirChenjins · 31/10/2021 17:58

We have three children too and we both work to provide for our family because neither of us want to be solely responsible financially, we both want to contribute financially to raising the children, we both want decent pensions and we both enjoy our jobs - but we made those decisions jointly. That is key here (ad nauseam).

Rather than the bar being set low formen it’s set highly for both women and men imo.

paloma2 · 31/10/2021 18:03

Why does he get to veto her though? Why does she have a lesser say in how they proceed as a family?

Earning a salary doesn’t mean your views matter more.

paloma2 · 31/10/2021 18:05

Are you a man SirChenjins? Presumably your wife wanted to go back to work, so all good.

Would you have forced her back before she was ready though?