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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to be a stay home mum?

999 replies

wanttostayathome · 27/10/2021 15:09

So I've got about 6 months left of my maternity leave, and I already know for a fact I don't want to go back. I love being a mum and I want to take another year or two off to raise my baby before she starts school.

Financially, it would be tight and although probably doable we'd have much less disposable income. My DH thinks I should go back for the money and also to have some balance between mum life and the old me.

I however disagree. There's nothing more I want from my life than to raise my baby but I don't know how to approach this conversation with him, as I know my POV isn't the done thing and I should want to be able to juggle career and family.

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
CallyWW · 31/10/2021 13:28

As long as you have a plan for making up for all of the money you will be losing by not working I think it is possible. You have 6 months to figure it out. Find a job working evenings/weekends or remote work when the baby naps. Start your own business. Babysit. Anyways you have to earn enough so that you can afford to stay home and so that your husband doesn't resent you, that's the only way this is going to work out.

paloma2 · 31/10/2021 13:29

Yes a relationship is a partnership, but at this point in the partnership, the OP is experiencing an emotional struggle that he does not understand because he’s not a woman. Decisions about money etc are one thing, but separation from your child before you’re ready runs much much deeper than this, for both for the mother and baby. It’s not something you can just switch off. I do think most men would understand this. Again, she’s hardly saying she’s never working again. She just wants a year or so, from what I can make out. Fair enough if they would be literally bankrupted, but this is not the case.

LolaSmiles · 31/10/2021 13:40

But the OP DOES NOT. So frankly, her husband needs to step up as a husband and father. She is not asking for a year’s holiday fgs! She just wants to be around for her own baby. It’s the most natural feeling in the world for a mum. He himself has said he wouldn’t have the patience to SAH - that’s his lookout. But he should respect the very special bond his wife has with his baby and put their interests first, frankly. I can’t be doing with all the excuses that get made for ‘the poor men’ on here. He just needs to get a grip.

Nobody is saying 'poor men' or making excuses.
What many people are saying is that both adults in a relationship need to be on board with one person staying home and the other taking on sole financial responsibility for the family unit.

This is 2021 and it's archaic to suggest that men should suck it up and be the breadwinner even if they don't want that role just because their wife decides after having a child she wants to stay home.

Contrary to the bizarre summaries of the thread by some posters, most of the thread isn't a out whether being a SAHP is a good thing or not, and it certainly isn't anti-SAHP (the majority of people have said it's fine if that's what both people want).
The thread is largely full of posters who have their fairly common sense view that one person doesn't get to shift the whole financial responsibility of a household onto their partner and expect them to suck it up.

But still the same few posters are bleating on about how anti-SAHP everyone is.

SpinsForGin · 31/10/2021 13:48

@paloma2

Yes a relationship is a partnership, but at this point in the partnership, the OP is experiencing an emotional struggle that he does not understand because he’s not a woman. Decisions about money etc are one thing, but separation from your child before you’re ready runs much much deeper than this, for both for the mother and baby. It’s not something you can just switch off. I do think most men would understand this. Again, she’s hardly saying she’s never working again. She just wants a year or so, from what I can make out. Fair enough if they would be literally bankrupted, but this is not the case.
Do you genuinely believe that men are incapable of empathising with their partners?
SilverGlitterBaubles · 31/10/2021 13:51

I felt exactly the same OP many years ago and returned to work on a trial basis to see how it was and I am really, really glad that I did. DH was made redundant during the financial crisis and things would have been disastrous had I not returned to work. In the long term it has been better for us financially, better for me as a person to be more than mum who cooks and does laundry, better for my relationship and important for my DDs to see me that I work and contribute to the household as well as DH. I cannot imagine my teen DDs seeing me having to ask DH for money to buy myself clothes is an ideal situation. Things will not always be how they are now,

paloma2 · 31/10/2021 14:57

‘Do you genuinely believe that men are incapable of empathising with their partners?’

No, I didn’t say that. I’m saying this husband needs to be empathising more with his wife on this issue.

And no men don’t know what it’s like to carry a baby, give birth, breastfeed and all the rest of it. It’s an experience unique to being a woman.

How does it help women to deny the physical and emotional impact of carrying, giving birth and feeding a child? Why try to pretend their experience of this is the same as a man’s Confused. That’s not promoting equality. That’s just shutting women down and alienating them. ‘Stop making a fuss woman. You are no different to your husband. Think of the poor men and let them not be inconvenienced a moment longer by this having a baby malarkey.’

AudacityBaby · 31/10/2021 15:04

Like I said. Golden uterus syndrome.

SpinsForGin · 31/10/2021 15:09

No, I didn’t say that. I’m saying this husband needs to be empathising more with his wife on this issue.

How do we know he hasn't but has still come the conclusion that he doesn't want to be the sole earner or change their lifestyle?

And no men don’t know what it’s like to carry a baby, give birth, breastfeed and all the rest of it. It’s an experience unique to being a woman.

But that doesn't give you the right to dictate to your partner.

How does it help women to deny the physical and emotional impact of carrying, giving birth and feeding a child?

Who has denied this? Nobody

Why try to pretend their experience of this is the same as a man’s . That’s not promoting equality. That’s just shutting women down and alienating them. ‘Stop making a fuss woman.

Again, literally nobody has said this.

You are no different to your husband. Think of the poor men and let them not be inconvenienced a moment longer by this having a baby malarkey.’

You're being a bit ridiculous now. Nobody has used the term poor men. We're just saying he should get a say.

SpinsForGin · 31/10/2021 15:12

@AudacityBaby

Like I said. Golden uterus syndrome.
Indeed!!
paloma2 · 31/10/2021 15:25

All people keep saying in here is ‘they need to have a discussion.’ Yes. Well they’ve had this all-hallowed ‘discussion’ haven’t they and hey presto... his wishes trumped hers.

The situation this poor woman is in is that she’s under the delusion that having a little more time home with her baby is, these days, not the ‘done thing’ and she’s scared to raise it with him again.

Not much of a ‘discussion’ is it, when she’s in the back foot from the start. Because this is how women are conditioned to feel these days, so it seems. Equality - I think not.

So because the ‘discussion’ did not go her way, she comes in MN, to then be told by women who no doubt identify as feminists, that she has had the ‘discussion’ so should get on board with the husband’s wishes now. Turn her emotions off and deal with it. Anything else is ‘golden uterus syndrome.’

Yeah right Hmm

SpinsForGin · 31/10/2021 15:46

I think you're projecting a little.

If you read the OPs posts you can see that she actually understands her husbands point of view and thinks he's being sensible.

SirChenjins · 31/10/2021 15:47

And you know she’s ‘scared’ to raise it again with him how, exactly?

This has nothing to do with feminism, or men holding the power. It boils down to one person quite rightly not wanting to assume the financial burden and it would be exactly the same if the couple were same sex or if the man decided he wanted to stay at home while his wife wanted him to share the financial burden.

Golden uterus is a perfect description.

Justgettingbye · 31/10/2021 15:52

6 months left of mat leave is a good chunk of time babies change and you may feel differently closer to the time

Namenic · 31/10/2021 16:09

Wait - didn’t OP want to look into part time? How is that his wishes entirely? It’s not hers entirely either.

Maybe she sees the financial impact and thinks there may be a point? Does she want to have a big re-org of finances? Things can always change in the future - maybe they will build up a buffer which they are both comfortable with? Not everyone can just pick up overtime in their job even if they wanted to - we don’t know how secure both their jobs are or if they have a big mortgage (with the prospect of rising rates, plus energy costs). Some people don’t mind taking a bigger risk or making spending cuts, but the things that can go wrong can impact mum and baby too.

paloma2 · 31/10/2021 16:11

One person may not want to be the almighty ‘sole provider.’ That’s nice. The other person does not want to be separated from her child Hmm.

In the scheme of life, being separated from your child against your wishes is far more traumatic than having a bit less money for a year.

I would say her needs and the baby’s needs trump his needs at this time.

SpinsForGin · 31/10/2021 16:16

@paloma2

One person may not want to be the almighty ‘sole provider.’ That’s nice. The other person does not want to be separated from her child Hmm.

In the scheme of life, being separated from your child against your wishes is far more traumatic than having a bit less money for a year.

I would say her needs and the baby’s needs trump his needs at this time.

You're using very dramatic language. It's very unnecessary considering what the OP has actually written. Have you read the OPs posts?
paloma2 · 31/10/2021 16:18

And I can’t believe anyone who identifies as a feminist (or frankly, any woman full stop) would use such a misogynistic phrase as ‘golden uterus syndrome’ to describe a mother wanting to be with her own toddler! On a parenting forum. Seriously? The patriarchy, as you would no doubt put it, has done a number on some people. Who needs misogyny anymore when women are doing it to each other?

SpinsForGin · 31/10/2021 16:22

@paloma2

And I can’t believe anyone who identifies as a feminist (or frankly, any woman full stop) would use such a misogynistic phrase as ‘golden uterus syndrome’ to describe a mother wanting to be with her own toddler! On a parenting forum. Seriously? The patriarchy, as you would no doubt put it, has done a number on some people. Who needs misogyny anymore when women are doing it to each other?
Before you start accusing other people of being misogynistic I would read back some of your own posts!!

You seem to think a mans sole purpose is to earn the money.

paloma2 · 31/10/2021 16:26

Yes I have read the thread now. The OP is not happy with the outcome of discussions with her husband who wants her to return to work in six months. She wants to see her child through to school age. Yet she doesn’t feel able to raise the topic again or confident to express her feelings to him because ‘it’s not the done thing.’ Hmm So she feels as if she has no real choice but to acquiesce to his wishes against her own better judgement and instinct towards her child. Very sad situation. She has come in here for support and has not received it, by and large.

SpinsForGin · 31/10/2021 16:36

Maybe try reading her last post.... it paints a very different picture to the one you're trying to project. The op is going to look at part time work which feels like a good compromise.

You may feel a mans only role is to provide financially for his family. Other people feel differently and choose a more equal relationship. It's okay for both men and women to feel like this.

paloma2 · 31/10/2021 16:42

I haven’t said a man’s only role is to provide for his family. But what’s actually changed in his life? If he had taken time if work or was talking about going part-time, it would be a different matter.

But seeing as he is doing none of the above and has been working unimpeded since the birth and assumes that this set-up will continue for him, then yes, his role is to financially provide. Because that’s all he’s doing!

SpinsForGin · 31/10/2021 16:48

@paloma2

I haven’t said a man’s only role is to provide for his family. But what’s actually changed in his life? If he had taken time if work or was talking about going part-time, it would be a different matter.

But seeing as he is doing none of the above and has been working unimpeded since the birth and assumes that this set-up will continue for him, then yes, his role is to financially provide. Because that’s all he’s doing!

How do you know he's not doing anything other than work? You're projecting hugely.
paloma2 · 31/10/2021 16:50

I mean the structure of his lifestyle hasn’t changed. He hasn’t had a baby. He hasn’t been on maternity leave. He isn’t having to think about going part-time.

SpinsForGin · 31/10/2021 16:53

@paloma2

I mean the structure of his lifestyle hasn’t changed. He hasn’t had a baby. He hasn’t been on maternity leave. He isn’t having to think about going part-time.
And? Does that mean he doesn't get say on whether he has to be the sole earner?

I really don't understand your argument.

paloma2 · 31/10/2021 16:55

Also, why all the dramatic hoo-haa about being the ‘sole provider.’ All it’s means is that he’s going to work, as he is anyway. He’d be doing the same if he was single. She’s not asking him to take on extra work or change his routine. Nor is she asking him to be the almighty golden balls ‘sole provider’ indefinitely. It’s only a year or so fgs.