To want to be a stay home mum?

[wanttostayathome]

So I've got about 6 months left of my maternity leave, and I already know for a fact I don't want to go back. I love being a mum and I want to take another year or two off to raise my baby before she starts school.

Financially, it would be tight and although probably doable we'd have much less disposable income. My DH thinks I should go back for the money and also to have some balance between mum life and the old me.

I however disagree. There's nothing more I want from my life than to raise my baby but I don't know how to approach this conversation with him, as I know my POV isn't the done thing and I should want to be able to juggle career and family.

So, AIBU?

I’d go PT if your DH agrees, but to be fair on you both he needs to agree.

Nursery is very beneficial for children and working is good for your sanity.

It’s not fair for you to insist on being a SAHM if it puts unfair pressure on your DH or if it would make money too tight.

@VestaTilley I concur entirely with your first and third paragraph. The middle one is potentially inflammatory. Nursery might be beneficial to some children, but there is no reason why they can't get many of the same benefits from home. Likewise, there might be some people who need to work for their sanity but it doesn't mean that WOHP would all climb the walls if they didn't have work life.

I highly doubt I'd have gone insane if I'd been a SAHM. I loved being with my kids. Some of the domestic chores that go with the territory, less so, but I certainly wouldn't have been something I hated. It's perfectly possible to love your kids to bits and enjoy their company while also wanting the dimension that working brings as well. It's not an either/or!

@TheDuchessOfDork 👏🏻

Have not read the whole thread, so apologies if this has been covered, but I do think it’s sad that so many mums are having to return to work before they’re ready these days. Very sad that the OP has this idea that staying with her child in the pre-school years is no longer ‘the done thing.’ Wtf! Sad that so many husbands no longer see this time as important. It’s women who bear the brunt, as usual, of the worry, guilt and emotional wrench - all the while being told they ‘have it all.’ I think it’s depressing personally and, I have to be honest, I’d be very disappointed in a husband with this mentality. Men have it all in the UK these days when it comes to having children. They expect to carry on at work unimpeded for as long as their wife’s maternity pay lasts. Then, as soon as it ends, it’s ‘get back to work and earn some money - why should I have to fund you.’ Yay for progress and ‘equality.’ .

Sad that so many husbands no longer see this time as important.
Maybe husbands feel being able to pay the mortgage as important or don't want the stress of being the sole breadwinner?

It’s women who bear the brunt, as usual, of the worry, guilt and emotional wrench - all the while being told they ‘have it all.’ I think it’s depressing personally and, I have to be honest, I’d be very disappointed in a husband with this mentality.

Only if you decide it's going to be like that.
Why aren't your husbands feelings just as important as yours? Doesn't he get a say in how you both choose to live your life? I'd be very disappointed in my husband if he thought I should give up work to look after our children. In fact, I left one husband for thinking exactly that and make sure we had no children!! I wanted a far more equal relationship.

Men have it all in the UK these days when it comes to having children. They expect to carry on at work unimpeded for as long as their wife’s maternity pay lasts.

Again, only if you let this happen. When I was maternity leave my DH cut back on his long hours because he wanted to spend time with his new baby.

Then, as soon as it ends, it’s ‘get back to work and earn some money - why should I have to fund you.’ Yay for progress and ‘equality.’

Why should he fund you though? What if he never wanted to be the sole breadwinner? What if you can't afford to live off one salary?
Being forced into being the sole breadwinner is just as bad as being forced into being a SAHP.
We have made progress - women now have a choice and thank goodness for that.

Well women don’t have the choice about the fact they they are the ones who carry the baby for 9 months; give birth with all the associated risks; bf; have to heal after maybe stitches or a Caesarian; possible PND. Weight gain / loss, mastitis, hormone changes - you name it!

It’s ridiculous to argue the impact and experience of having a child is the same for men and women. It’s not. Never will be and never was. Ignoring this very basic fact of life does women a disservice.

So if all men have to do is factor in that they may have to be the oh great ‘sole provider’ for a given time, it’s hardly a bad deal for them. Most men factor this reality in before they even have children! My husband wouldn’t have had children if he had a fixed date in mind when he was expecting me to return to work. You never know how you will feel as a mum until the baby arrives and this is obvious so he just factored this in and saw the finances as his responsibility until further notice. It is what it is. Most men do this - or they should be.

I would be disappointed with my DH if he expected to prioritise his career over his family, enabled to do so by me staying at home. We both work which financially enables both of us to work less, which enables both of us to spend more time with her.

I could give up work and DH could work as if he had no caring responsibilities, chasing bigger and bigger promotions, working away, saying yes to every evening event. And then he’d barely get to see DD. Where’s the benefit to her of having one parent at home all the time at the expense of the other putting their career before their family life?

Well it’s all very well if you’re on the same page and the mum actively wants to go back to work.

But the OP DOES NOT. So frankly, her husband needs to step up as a husband and father. She is not asking for a year’s holiday fgs! She just wants to be around for her own baby. It’s the most natural feeling in the world for a mum. He himself has said he wouldn’t have the patience to SAH - that’s his lookout. But he should respect the very special bond his wife has with his baby and put their interests first, frankly. I can’t be doing with all the excuses that get made for ‘the poor men’ on here. He just needs to get a grip.

So frankly, her husband needs to step up as a husband and father

Says who?

Where is it written that a father must support his partner if she wants to be a sahp?

Well women don’t have the choice about the fact they they are the ones who carry the baby for 9 months; give birth with all the associated risks; bf; have to heal after maybe stitches or a Caesarian; possible PND. Weight gain / loss, mastitis, hormone changes - you name it!

Which is why we have maternity leave. The Op isn't being told to go back to work immediately after giving birth is she?

It’s ridiculous to argue the impact and experience of having a child is the same for men and women. It’s not. Never will be and never was. Ignoring this very basic fact of life does women a disservice.
Again, this why we have maternity leave.

So if all men have to do is factor in that they may have to be the oh great ‘sole provider’ for a given time, it’s hardly a bad deal for them. Most men factor this reality in before they even have children!

My husband wouldn’t have had children if he had a fixed date in mind when he was expecting me to return to work. You never know how you will feel as a mum until the baby arrives and this is obvious so he just factored this in and saw the finances as his responsibility until further notice. It is what it is. Most men do this - or they should be.

I'm sorry but what decade is this?????
Family finances are a joint responsibility. You might know some old fashioned men who see the money as solely their responsibility and the children as the woman's responsibility but in the real (modern) world most families see all of this as a collective responsibility.
Most families need two incomes to survive.
Many women actually enjoy going out to work.

The decision to be a SAHP should be a joint decision with both parties fully on board.

@Nyxs in 'How to be a Good Wife', a best seller circa 1952

So frankly, her husband needs to step up as a husband and father.

It's pretty sad that you see money as the only valuable contribution a husband and father brings to the table.

But for him to “step up” if things are financially tight that means he has to sacrifice his relationship with the baby. Who is making “poor men” excuses? I’m not: I suspect we’ve got a fundamentally different definition of what stepping up as a father means.

To me it is not about money, to you it obviously is.

My point was that you said you would be disappointed if your DH didn’t step up to be a father by providing all the money. My point was that I would be disappointed if he thought he was stepping up to be a father by providing all the money at the expense of his relationship with our child. I didn’t want to have a baby with someone who would be at work all the time and never do bedtime and bathtime, or be able to take DD to swimming lessons, or be able to do the school run, and thought that was ok because he was earning enough money for me to stay at home and do all of it.

Neither of us know where the OP and her DH’s definition falls. Maybe she feels how you do.

It’s doesn’t need to be ‘written.’ It’s obvious. She’s not saying she’ll never work again. She just wants to see her child through to school. He should put his wife and child’s needs first and step up like most men would do instinctively.

@paloma2

It’s doesn’t need to be ‘written.’ It’s obvious. She’s not saying she’ll never work again. She just wants to see her child through to school. He should put his wife and child’s needs first and step up like most men would do instinctively.

Why do her wants trump those of her husband?

@paloma2

It’s doesn’t need to be ‘written.’ It’s obvious. She’s not saying she’ll never work again. She just wants to see her child through to school. He should put his wife and child’s needs first and step up like most men would do instinctively.

How is it obvious? You said he 'needs to'?

Why does he? Says who? You?

No actually most men do not support a sahp.

I find it odd you think a father is just there to pay for women's choices and to just facilitate is partner to have children.

And think its odd that you think women should be the ones that can decide how responsibility is split in a relationship.

Its very controlling to try and dictate the one and only way a man can be a good father and yo put yourself in a position where your partner can not make a decision without you labelling him and poor father.

‘But for him to “step up” if things are financially tight that means he has to sacrifice his relationship with the baby.’

How? He’s not offering to cut back on his working hours, is he? So whether the baby is in childcare or at home with his wife, his relationship with his child will be totally unaffected.

He is not making any sacrifices because he’s said he wouldn’t have the patience to SAH. So the wife and baby have to bear the brunt of his refusal to be ‘sole provider’ - a.k.a carrying on with exactly what he’s doing anyway for another year. Well done that man. Have a medal.

@paloma2

It’s doesn’t need to be ‘written.’ It’s obvious. She’s not saying she’ll never work again. She just wants to see her child through to school. He should put his wife and child’s needs first and step up like most men would do instinctively.

You mean like your DH did? He doesn’t do anything else for your children does he? Too busy working and flying here there and everywhere.

I remember you from other SAHM threads.

Because if they can’t really afford it then he’ll have to work more than he is now. Unless you’re minted through property or investments or something, earning more generally means working longer hours or taking on more responsibility.

They can afford it though. It’s only for a year, as I understand it.

My husband does loads for my kids thanks. What thread?

Go part time if you can. I did exactly that and it's pretty much the best of both worlds if your role works with it.

My DC are now 5&7 and I've literally just gone back to work FT earlier this year. I don't regret cutting back on work while they were little (especially with covid/homeschooling type stuff) but bringing back in a decent salary now is a big relief as prices rise and getting a permanent full time job was much easier because on paper I wasn't going 'I used to do xxx but have been a SAHM for seven years'.

You don't know where you'll be once the children get much older. Keep your options open.

@paloma2

I see you haven’t read the whole thread. There is a theme of every single comment made in support of OP staying at home being pounced on by multiple working mothers (not all).

Some of these posters have been here since the start and have pretty much responded (angrily) to every single pro SAHM comment. Your words will get twisted, your sentences will be quoted out of context and you will be asked multiple angry angry questions about things you didn’t say (but why don’t you think men’s rights matter? Why shouldn’t women ever work etc etc).

I think one women who said in her culture it’s common for women to stay home for pre school years, was actually told something along the lines of well your whole culture is wrong!!

Previous posters made very good points about why these women react so strongly to someone wanting to stay at home. Are they really so deeply invested in the rights of the husband? One working women who has been particularly hostile later seemed to be justifying her choice to go back to work (well it was a great nursery, I would have taken child out if she didn’t like it), which I felt was very telling. There is so much insecurity from SAHMs and working mums about what the right thing to do is. Which is a shame as most kids with loving parents turn out just fine whether their mum works or stays home.

You've presented a very one sided view of the discussion babyshark.
You seem to have neglected to mention the attacks on working mothers .....

I have no issue whatsoever about women working or not working or doing whatever they like, but I just felt sorry for the OP in this instance. The fact is, women are the childbearing sex and there will be a physical and emotional toll to this that men do not experience and do will not fully understand. I don’t see the point of pretending otherwise and all this ‘the poor men’ rhetoric on here. What’s that all about? Some women will be racing out the door to get back to work, others will not and will really struggle to put their babies with someone else. These feelings are valid and it can be devastating. This man should know his wife and respect her on this.

There isn't a poor men rhetoric. It's a simple recognition that if you are in a relationship then that's a partnership and both parties views and opinions are important.

Just because I gave birth that doesn't make my views more important..... otherwise where does that stop?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a SAHP. All people are saying is that it's not just the OPs decision. Everyone needs to be on board.