To want to be a stay home mum?

[wanttostayathome]

So I've got about 6 months left of my maternity leave, and I already know for a fact I don't want to go back. I love being a mum and I want to take another year or two off to raise my baby before she starts school.

Financially, it would be tight and although probably doable we'd have much less disposable income. My DH thinks I should go back for the money and also to have some balance between mum life and the old me.

I however disagree. There's nothing more I want from my life than to raise my baby but I don't know how to approach this conversation with him, as I know my POV isn't the done thing and I should want to be able to juggle career and family.

So, AIBU?

I love that people seem to forget that a forum is for discussion and I can’t think of any two families in exactly the same circumstances so saying my views are irrelevant is untrue. I was in a position at the start of my family life with no extra cash and hard decisions too. Maybe I got lucky, but you know what?m We all make our own luck or bad luck - you do it yourself with your own choices. I’m very definitely not seeking to divide between SAHM/working mums (feel free to read from first post) as there are plenty of working mums doing that job for me. I 100% support and respect the rights of people to work if they wish or have to. That’s cool if it’s what your gig is. It doesn’t affect me. I’m not offended by other women’s choices the way others seem to be. Baffling really.

Lolasmiles I’m guessing you’re not a lawyer or a former school debating captain. Lost in your negative circles. It’s like white noise now. Over and out. 👍🏻

Thanks for your logical, well articulated musings on this thread, @LolaSmiles.

A reminder for the hard of hearing at the back - our own relationships and family set-ups are completely irrelevant to this OP and her situation. Completely irrelevant.

@Anotherlongroad

Lolasmiles I’m guessing you’re not a lawyer or a former school debating captain. Lost in your negative circles. It’s like white noise now. Over and out. 👍🏻

@LolaSmiles it’s been a long while since I’ve seen such a blatant ad hominem. When you’ve got nothing to say.. attack your opponent 😂😂

I think the thread has gone off track into a bun fight it always happens 😔. @wanttostayathome you mentioned in your initial post that you work in digital marketing is this something you can take time out of and return to in the future maybe when your little 1 is in nursery at 3 ? I know you mentioned your husband wasn't keen on being the breadwinner because it would be tight but would he be willing to consider it just for a short time just to see how it goes ,?

Oops sorry op I've just seen it's not something you could go back to as it moves quick

TractorAndHeadphones
They've been doing it throughout to working mum posters with silly comments about hamster wheels. It's bizarre. It's kind of an odd faux-nice I support everyone's choices... but don't mind me stirring the pot, making silly digs, going on the attack. Funny, but goady nonetheless.

Now I have two DCs, I think I could definitely be a SAHM with a baby, but NOT with a toddler. God no. 😂😂

This was gone so far off now and reverted to stereotyping types and name- calling.
Just wanted to add @LolaSmiles I’d rather have you personally on my debate team think you’ve pointed out respectfully that’s anecdotes aren’t evidence and that this requires a joint decision.

@Anotherlongroad

Thank you and you definitely don’t deserve the multiple posts on here attacking you! I’m not sure what you’ve actually said that is supposed to be so inflammatory?

Despite stating in my first post on here that I am training to go back to work and that I send my toddler to nursery, I have been accused of saying mothers shouldn’t work , of thinking only men should provide, of being against women sending their kids to nursery, of thinking women shouldn’t be doctors (wtf!?) The list goes on….

The annoying thing is that I actually agree with many of the points of the women bashing my post (and actually made some myself), eg both partners should be on board if one wants to stay home.

The point I was making when I called some posters materialistic and status driven, is that there are clearly some posters on here (not all) who think two working professionals taking minimal maternity leave is the only viable family option. It isn’t, and to be honest some of the comments really do smack of middle class narrow mindedness and existing in a professional bubble. Eg the idea that if you take time out of work you will go back to a lower pay grade doesn’t apply to those who were already on minimum wage does it? I know this wasn’t the OP’s situation, but the debate moved on from just the OP.

I do think financial security is important and I am not talking about posters sensibly pointing this out. I’m talking about the ones who seem aghast at the idea of returning to god forbid a lower pay grade for a couple of years, or not being as senior as they were before or not enjoying as huge of a joint disposable income later in life. That’s fine if that’s your priority - but implying that others who don’t achieve this (the majority in this country) will somehow be at a massive loss is narrow minded and insensitive to many.

Will probably now receive a load of comments that I think all working mothers are evil, only men should have a high salary, women shouldn’t be surgeons and god knows what else!

Bothyboo Respectfully, referring to someone else’s situation as “anecdotal” is simply dismissing it. You are no different to the other woman who simply ignores things she doesn’t like. Its dismissive and quite PA.

And I repeat for the slow to catch up people who maybe don’t read but Our. Decision. Was. Jointly. Discussed. And. Pre. Agreed. Before. We. Had. Kids. There. Was.No.Coercion.Or.Deception.It.Was.100%.A.Couples.Decision.

And for those who are slow to catch up it has already been explained that posters who made joint decisions with their partners that one would stay at home have no relevance to the OP.

Babysharkdududududu 100%. I agree with you and fully understand that we’re in the same page. It’s staggering the offence taken for having an opinion isn’t it? Unfortunately, women can’t be anything but ‘career women’ or they’re not validated in this space. Well done you for your honesty and you also didn’t deserve the slating. It’s amazing how this forum is full of potential CEO’s who think everyone should be aiming for world domination or something. Has it crossed their mind that happiness isn’t about the bank balance alone? Nor does the world have space for all these seriously high flyers. And as for the comment that highly educated professionals want to marry the same thing….well that’s just rubbish. I think the aggression and dismissal towards anyone who doesn’t chose this golden path smacks of insecurity and desperation to justify their ‘choice’.
Ignore the haters and the people who don’t read what you’ve said. Good luck with the retraining - and I hope you get what you want work wise from it and that it all works well for you 💐xx

@Anotherlongroad

So true and some of that did make me chuckle.

I agree it’s really sad that so many people only see you as a worthwhile person if you have a professional job. I get such a different reaction now I introduce myself as a SAHM than I did when I introduced myself as a professional in my 20’s. Even though I did a pretty soulless job to be honest. I genuinely don’t understand why looking after your kids is seen by many as such a low status thing to do.

And I also really don’t get all the posters telling you your own experience isn’t relevant to the thread!!? Who are they to decide that! If I was looking to make the decision to stay home or not I would want to hear what others had done and whether it worked out for them.

Babysharkdududududu Exactly! And as for people who treat you differently in a negative way because you were at home - I guess it just simplifies the Christmas card list. At least you don’t waste time on the wrong people. Look on the bright side!!

I'm glad that some of you are happy as SAHP. I'm also glad you had that choice. I don't work for the bank balance - I work because I do not like being a SAHP. I don't have to work, but I love my job. I don't like the person I am if I don't work.

I get it OP.

Did you know you wanted to be a SAHM when you got together with your DH or was the plan always for you to be a working mum?

I whole heartedly knew I wanted to be at home with my children and chose to be with my DH (for many reasons!) because he would support me not working once we had children.

@nc87653

I get it OP.

Did you know you wanted to be a SAHM when you got together with your DH or was the plan always for you to be a working mum?

I whole heartedly knew I wanted to be at home with my children and chose to be with my DH (for many reasons!) because he would support me not working once we had children.

I don't think you can know. I wanted to be a SAHM, we planned for it. I hated it and went back full-time at 1 year. I can totally imagine it happens the other way around.

And I also really don’t get all the posters telling you your own experience isn’t relevant to the thread

You really don’t understand the difference - 19 pages in?

And I also really don’t get all the posters telling you your own experience isn’t relevant to the thread!!? Who are they to decide that! If I was looking to make the decision to stay home or not I would want to hear what others had done and whether it worked out for them.

Because those posters had partners who were on board with it. OP's husband isn't, which is entirely his right. It's something that has to be a joint decision. So yes, saying you should do it because I did and my husband was happy with it is completely irrelevant when discussing someone whose husband clearly doesn't want to be the sole earner.

OP's not wrong to want what she wants, but neither is her husband.

Oh for gods sake - we are all in agreement that OP’s husband should agree - that’s bloody obvious. But his mind can be changed? Perhaps by hearing stories about it working out for others. Perhaps not. I really don’t understand your need to police which posts are relevant on here and which aren’t.

There is a poster upthread who seems to solely post personal or snide comments, sometimes literally just emojis, without adding any substance to the debate. Why not address the “that isn’t relevant” comments to them.

But his mind can be changed? Perhaps by hearing stories about it working out for others. Perhaps not.

"It works for me as the SAHM and I like it" isn't likely to change the husband's mind. Those posts are generally just about why the SAHM likes the arrangement, but in this case it's not the SAHP who needs convincing.

But why should anyone be trying to change his mind? If he doesn't want to be solely responsible for bringing in money, why can't that be accepted?

Would we like people trying to change a mother's mind about whether she should work or not?

His mind can be changed by hearing from posters in completely different financial positions as a result of their partners income? Or from posters in similar financial positions who have agreed with their partners that both are happy to place themselves in tight financial positions? Or by simply ignoring his concerns?

"It works for me as the SAHM and I like it" isn't likely to change the husband's mind.

How do you know? Are you her husband? The only person who can really decide if the response is relevant to the OP is the OP! You do not speak for her.

And even if she believes it isnt relevant - this is a debate forum and for some of us the debate moved on from just the OP’s situation. Some (a minority) were being a bit snide about SAHMs so it is completely relevant for others to come along and say, actually I love my position.

And again, why appoint yourself the as the relevance monitor in this forum?

Dogmatically repeating that a post isn’t relevant is a bit boring and not really adding much to the debate (I’m not saying it’s just you doing this).