Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to be a stay home mum?

999 replies

wanttostayathome · 27/10/2021 15:09

So I've got about 6 months left of my maternity leave, and I already know for a fact I don't want to go back. I love being a mum and I want to take another year or two off to raise my baby before she starts school.

Financially, it would be tight and although probably doable we'd have much less disposable income. My DH thinks I should go back for the money and also to have some balance between mum life and the old me.

I however disagree. There's nothing more I want from my life than to raise my baby but I don't know how to approach this conversation with him, as I know my POV isn't the done thing and I should want to be able to juggle career and family.

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 29/10/2021 23:43

@Babysharkdududududu

"It works for me as the SAHM and I like it" isn't likely to change the husband's mind.

How do you know? Are you her husband? The only person who can really decide if the response is relevant to the OP is the OP! You do not speak for her.

And even if she believes it isnt relevant - this is a debate forum and for some of us the debate moved on from just the OP’s situation. Some (a minority) were being a bit snide about SAHMs so it is completely relevant for others to come along and say, actually I love my position.

And again, why appoint yourself the as the relevance monitor in this forum?

Dogmatically repeating that a post isn’t relevant is a bit boring and not really adding much to the debate (I’m not saying it’s just you doing this).

Calm down.

Why does he need to have his mind changed? Can't his wishes be respected, the way a mother's should be?

SirChenjins · 29/10/2021 23:44

And repeating examples of decisions taken jointly add nothing to the debate - they are simply anecdotes that are irrelevant (and yes, I’ll repeat that because it’s accurate). The OPs DH has every right to say that he doesn’t want to assume the sole burden of family breadwinner or place the family in a precarious financial position - a very sensible decision.

Babysharkdududududu · 29/10/2021 23:46

And no one is saying that the husband has to change his mind or that his point of view isn’t valid. Of course it is.

But in a healthy marriage you can discuss important life decisions more than once. Make pros and cons list, gets outside opinions if you want to, do research etc. Not to force one partner to change their mind. But to fully explore all options before a joint decision is made. I actually think it would be very unhealthy if OP accepted her partners no as the final decision without discussing it further.

SirChenjins · 29/10/2021 23:49

And unless you’re suggesting that the OP and her DH haven’t done that over the months since the baby was born it sounds as if you’re advocating placing continued pressure on her DH by refusing to accept his views and acknowledging that this burden isn’t something he wants to assume.

DrSbaitso · 29/10/2021 23:51

I actually think it would be very unhealthy if OP accepted her partners no as the final decision without discussing it further.

Why is it unhealthy to accept that your partner does not want to be solely responsible for bringing money in?

How many times must they discuss it before the poor guy is allowed to stop being questioned about why he doesn't want to be the sole earner? Presumably if OP didn't want to be a SAHM and her husband did want her to be, she wouldn't have to keep justifying it to him?

Babysharkdududududu · 29/10/2021 23:51

@DrSbaitso no need to tell me to calm down, I am not the one telling other posters whether their posts are “relevant” or not!

Milkshake54 · 29/10/2021 23:53

I haven’t read the whole thread…

But I’d say work on the anxiety feeling first and then make a decision, rather than make a decision based on the anxiety…

DrSbaitso · 29/10/2021 23:53

[quote Babysharkdududududu]@DrSbaitso no need to tell me to calm down, I am not the one telling other posters whether their posts are “relevant” or not![/quote]
No, you're the one on a moral crusade about how we "don't speak" for the husband, while also going on about how he needs to be pressured to change his mind even after he has, indeed, spoken for himself.

Babysharkdududududu · 29/10/2021 23:55

@DrSbaitso you’re making a lot of assumptions there - for all you know they’ve only discussed the matter once or twice.

The “poor guy” may be happy to discuss it multiple times in the future to make sure both parties are happy and agree it’s best for their family. What is the harm in discussing important life decisions more than once?

SirChenjins · 30/10/2021 00:01

And for all you know they’ve discussed it multiple times since before and after the baby was born and he still doesn’t want to. Unless their financial situation changes dramatically and they’re in a position to continue to paying into a pension for her then he has every right to say that he doesn’t want to assume this burden.

CelebratingMyOwnSelf · 30/10/2021 00:24

I gave it all up to spend precious time with my kids.
Money isn't important to me and we joined loads of home Ed groups for forest fun, park days, museum meets.
Great thing about home Ed families they know how to spend very little but maximise enjoyment.
Even cooking lunch in the park on a camping stove.
The time I have had with my kids has been invaluable and leaving my career behind was more of an after thought for me.
My husband is over the moon that we spend all our time together and wants our kids to have the mum at home role.
(as do I.)
OK I don't have treats like I used to.
No Saturday shopping trips, many nights out or expensive hair/beauty iappointments.
But I get so much more from my life being present for my babies.
You have to be on the same page as your partner and find a way to work it out together.
2 days work wouldn't hurt.
How about a twilight shift so you wouldn't incur any childcare costs?

Namenic · 30/10/2021 00:33

There’s room for negotiation either way - cutting back on spending - eg cancelling some subscriptions like sky or netflix or less takeaways. Or working part time. But it’s something they need to discuss and agree on - as different people would prioritise different things.

LolaSmiles · 30/10/2021 05:43

Unfortunately, women can’t be anything but ‘career women’ or they’re not validated in this space. Well done you for your honesty and you also didn’t deserve the slating. It’s amazing how this forum is full of potential CEO’s who think everyone should be aiming for world domination or something. Has it crossed their mind that happiness isn’t about the bank balance alone? Nor does the world have space for all these seriously high flyers..
Still at it with snide comments about working mums and playing the nobody accepts SAHM card, I see.

It's amazing how a thread with lots of women saying SAHP/WOHM doesn't matter as long as both people are on board is taken by you as a sign women are only validated for being career women on here.

LolaSmiles · 30/10/2021 05:47

There’s room for negotiation either way - cutting back on spending - eg cancelling some subscriptions like sky or netflix or less takeaways. Or working part time. But it’s something they need to discuss and agree on - as different people would prioritise different things.

Agree with this. There's the need to discuss openly and without emotional guilt tripping.

Fundamentally if someone doesn't want to be a breadwinner then that's different from being willing but not sure how it can be afforded. If some doesn't want to be solely responsible for financially supporting a household then there's no point saying we can cut back all these areas to make it work.

DrSbaitso · 30/10/2021 07:13

Money isn't important to me

Then you don't value or appreciate your husband's role, even though you couldn't stay home without him doing it.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 30/10/2021 07:45

I see we’ve descended into home ed. I think the thread has come to its natural conclusion.

Fetarabbit · 30/10/2021 08:03

@LoveGrooveDanceParty

I see we’ve descended into home ed. I think the thread has come to its natural conclusion.
Grin
Namenic · 30/10/2021 08:07

Lola smiles - if you can cut back spending and save a buffer such that you would have 1 year savings/investments plus insurance (in case of health issues for wohp); that might be enough to satisfy the financial worries of the breadwinner? Everyone is different and this won’t be enough for everyone, but some people may be happy for 1 person to be sahm for a few years if they have this.

Namenic · 30/10/2021 08:09

But agreed - some people won’t be happy. Just like OP was willing to consider part time - though again some people wouldn’t be happy with that. I guess it’s compromise like everything in a partnership

LolaSmiles · 30/10/2021 08:15

Namenic
It may well do if the reservation is whether the household can afford it. I don't dispute that. That's the sort of discussion that works if the situation is a partner who is open to being a breadwinner but is concerned about how it would work financially. To get a year of savings and float would be the sort of thing people would do whilst preparing for one parent to be a SAHP. Being able to achieve that whilst one person is already part way through their maternity leave is a long shot.

But if someone doesn't actually want to the be sole financial provider for a family then that's more than a question of short term affordability. It's a case of they do not want to be a breadwinner.

RobinPenguins · 30/10/2021 08:19

There seem to be a lot of assumptions on here that the woman’s salary is just pin money that can be made up for by cutting back on takeaways and Netflix or not going for Saturday shopping trips. Well yes, if that’s all it meant to the family finances then I can see why it was an easy decision. That’s not the case for plenty of families though, I earned almost the same as DH before I dropped a day when returning from maternity leave. I’ve since been promoted so don’t think I’ve been sidelined as a previous poster asserts is what happens to all working mothers she knows. If one of us was to stop working it would mean a complete change of lifestyle including moving to a significantly cheaper area with fewer opportunities for all of us. That’s a bit more than just trimming a few luxuries.

DrSbaitso · 30/10/2021 08:30

@LoveGrooveDanceParty

I see we’ve descended into home ed. I think the thread has come to its natural conclusion.
Oh...is that the Godwin for this sort of discussion?
Anotherlongroad · 30/10/2021 08:40

For all those people saying the OPs position doesn’t allow for her being a SAHM financially….please reread her post. She says although money would be tight, it would probably be doable - which is the same experience of many of us SAHMs at first. She even suggests doing it for just a year or two. However, I’m guessing despite wha the working mums are suggesting, if you read what she infers - I don’t think they have actually had this conversation properly as she says she doesn’t know how to approach it with him!
Quite clearly the shouty working brigade have taken over with their vitriol towards SAHMs and think if they just keep banging on, we’ll concede they’re right or go away. Well we are here and will be here as SAHMs whether part or full time whilst ever you exist as working wannabe CEOs. It is our choice and to reiterate what Babysharkdududududu says, we actually fully appreciate the position of those with a different view, but none of you seem to be listening. If you are the people running businesses and whatever else you - I hope to god you show more kindness and openness in your chosen passions. Our children are our passion and before you say “oh, are we not passionate about our kids?” Well my answer is that I love great food and wine, and appreciate it enormously but I didn’t choose it as a career. We all eat but only some mould their day around it as a job. And being a mum is a job and half of what we do is outsourced by you lot and you pay for it via cleaners, wrap around school care etc.
Stop the bullying towards the few posters brave enough to say they enjoy being a SAHM. As OP states, it’s not ‘the done thing’ which is why this has been a 20 pager on MN, as this woman needs some reassurance that it’s not the equivalent to living off grid. It’s a very normal life choice which she should have the confidence to discuss with her DH.

Fetarabbit · 30/10/2021 08:40

@RobinPenguins

There seem to be a lot of assumptions on here that the woman’s salary is just pin money that can be made up for by cutting back on takeaways and Netflix or not going for Saturday shopping trips. Well yes, if that’s all it meant to the family finances then I can see why it was an easy decision. That’s not the case for plenty of families though, I earned almost the same as DH before I dropped a day when returning from maternity leave. I’ve since been promoted so don’t think I’ve been sidelined as a previous poster asserts is what happens to all working mothers she knows. If one of us was to stop working it would mean a complete change of lifestyle including moving to a significantly cheaper area with fewer opportunities for all of us. That’s a bit more than just trimming a few luxuries.
Yes it's weird isn't it, I suppose a lot who stay at home are perhaps in lower paid, non career focused roles so that it doesn't make a huge difference to finances? Or the opposite, very well paid so can accrue savings and then return eventually as highly qualified.
DrSbaitso · 30/10/2021 08:43

However, I’m guessing despite wha the working mums are suggesting, if you read what she infers - I don’t think they have actually had this conversation properly as she says she doesn’t know how to approach it with him!

"My DH thinks I should go back for the money and also to have some balance between mum life and the old me."