To want to be a stay home mum?

[wanttostayathome]

So I've got about 6 months left of my maternity leave, and I already know for a fact I don't want to go back. I love being a mum and I want to take another year or two off to raise my baby before she starts school.

Financially, it would be tight and although probably doable we'd have much less disposable income. My DH thinks I should go back for the money and also to have some balance between mum life and the old me.

I however disagree. There's nothing more I want from my life than to raise my baby but I don't know how to approach this conversation with him, as I know my POV isn't the done thing and I should want to be able to juggle career and family.

So, AIBU?

There's more info on NI contributions here - my understanding is you need to have paid them for at least 35 years and need to be registered for child benefit www.pensionbee.com/blog/2020/september/how-stay-at-home-mums-can-build-a-pension

It’s not about ‘financial status’ it’s about financial stability!

No one ever said the OP should work so they can keep themselves in luxuries, and only one poster has been a total snob about SAHP reading Cosmo - yes fair enough that is a hostile comment but it isn’t snobby or hostile to point out the general gulf that opens up if you exit the workplace. This is a statistically proven recognised problem in society, that women step away and as a rule will never again come close to reaching the potential as if they hadn’t. It isn’t snobby to point out that higher educated and higher earning women tend to stay in jobs as their salaries outstrip childcare. It ain’t snobby to point out the pitfalls such as if your DH becomes sick or gets fired.

There are pitfalls to working outside the home too- that you get less time influencing your child’s development, that your child is more likely to have sick days, that you have to think about what to cook when you get home etc.

What we need of course is a more equitable divide between the sexes and I think it’s fair that we flip some of these situations.

I earn double my DH- am I materialistic for staying in work? Is my DH materialistic for not becoming a SAHD?

Tbf having read this thread he has rolled his eyes quite a few times and has decided he wants to stay working part time so he has the balance of keeping his toe in maintaining his pension etc whilst also having nice daddy daughter time.

I always took 'having it all' to mean having a high flying career and getting to spend enough quality time with your family.

I expect lots of people will be along to tell me they themselves are doing this while standing on one leg with both hands tied behind their back.

But personally I felt it would be too intense. I couldn't see myself doing 11 hour days plus a commute after I had kids. I wanted more time to spend with them than that.

FWIW I don't think men have it all in this sense either. High powered career people of either sex normally have to prioritize their work to some extent and necessarily have less time for other parts of life.

I heard you can have it all, but not all at once

Op you’re not unreasonable to want to be a SAHM

But would be unreasonable to unilaterally decide that’s what will happen

If your partner isn’t on board it will likely lead to resentment & relationship issues.

I haven't had time to read the thread but have you considered that skills in many jobs are changing rapidly, and staying part time would keep you up to date.

I’m really pro- SAHP - because I think you can do more things in the greater time you have with the children. BUT both people have to be on board - as there are trade offs.

It’s not whether the DH or OPs wishes are more ‘respected’, it’s whose proposal has the greatest change from the status quo. In OPs current situation, her original proposal to not go back to work, would have a bigger overall long term impact than going back. Part-time is a middle ground.

HOWEVER if OP had had a premature baby with health issues who needed regular consultant follow up and specialist care - that it was not easy to find a childminder with equivalent expertise for, then her going back to work would probably have the greater overall long term impact. For the Decision to do sahp or wohp - neither is right or wrong - it’s just that the default should be least change from status quo, and think about ways to work towards changes so you both get the setup you want with acceptable trade offs (time, career, financial, whatever).

Oh, just read you’re in digital media too

Don’t do it OP, I left digital to have a change of pace in my mid 30s

it took me 2 years to find another job back at the bottom of the corporate ladder & now my colleagues in my team are all fresh out of school / uni

With lockdown can’t you just find an SM job working from home ?

Like you say, things are always developing & just a few years out of it will set you back professionally

Sorry didn’t explain that well

Left digital media as was over it, burnt out

But then a few years later wanted to get back into it as actually missed website life

Was very hard & my decision has held me back…

Babysharkdudududud I couldn’t agree more with most of what you’ve said. The very aggressive tone of Bettycarver was aimed at me last night and you today. What’s so interesting is that this lady of the high flying career has so much time in her day to partake in MN discussions. I’m sure there was an argument somewhere about keeping brains engaged and the suggestion that SAHMs ultimately lose sight of the long term etc etc. Or maybe I’m confusing her with another high flyer on here!
What is very certain is that an “adult discussion where things are agreed” are definitely only agreed in your life BettyCarver when you get your own way. I feel sorry for your OH. Met your sort before and you’re a pain in the proverbial.
I repeat BettyCarver, some SAHMs are very happy, financially sorted now and in long term, in happy relationships with great kids and they didn’t need to show up at the office with someone like you. I reckon that’s worth sharing with people who question whether it’s worth considering, as the point is IT CAN WORK OUT VERY WELL!! Nobody is sponging or putting on OH, if OH wants to do it. Mine is a successful businessman who shares everything he has with me. He values my domestic contribution enormously, he treats me with love and respect and definitely isn’t ‘controlling’. He fully acknowledges that he wouldn’t have been able to achieve what he has if he’d had to share childcare and domestic roles.
Given how much you’ve defended working mums and their need to progress and maintain status etc etc (hamster wheel still turning), you’ve shown an unhealthy interest in shouting down the SAHMs on this thread during your busy and high flying day!!

@Anotherlongroad I agree BettyCarver has said some aggressive things and I can see you are upset, but some of the things in your recent post are pretty aggressive and personal too.

@Anotherlongroad

Babysharkdudududud I couldn’t agree more with most of what you’ve said. The very aggressive tone of Bettycarver was aimed at me last night and you today. What’s so interesting is that this lady of the high flying career has so much time in her day to partake in MN discussions. I’m sure there was an argument somewhere about keeping brains engaged and the suggestion that SAHMs ultimately lose sight of the long term etc etc. Or maybe I’m confusing her with another high flyer on here! What is very certain is that an “adult discussion where things are agreed” are definitely only agreed in your life BettyCarver when you get your own way. I feel sorry for your OH. Met your sort before and you’re a pain in the proverbial. I repeat BettyCarver, some SAHMs are very happy, financially sorted now and in long term, in happy relationships with great kids and they didn’t need to show up at the office with someone like you. I reckon that’s worth sharing with people who question whether it’s worth considering, as the point is IT CAN WORK OUT VERY WELL!! Nobody is sponging or putting on OH, if OH wants to do it. Mine is a successful businessman who shares everything he has with me. He values my domestic contribution enormously, he treats me with love and respect and definitely isn’t ‘controlling’. He fully acknowledges that he wouldn’t have been able to achieve what he has if he’d had to share childcare and domestic roles. Given how much you’ve defended working mums and their need to progress and maintain status etc etc (hamster wheel still turning), you’ve shown an unhealthy interest in shouting down the SAHMs on this thread during your busy and high flying day!!

Ignoring your personal and aggressive insults (‘hamster wheel’ - really?) your entire argument is based on the goodness of your DH. You have certainly been very fortunate.

But what if your DH didn’t value your contribution in that way? Or became abusive/controlling? Or decided to cheat, leave your for an OW?

What if he simply doesn’t earn that much anyway, and you staying home for 10 years would never result in him becoming a high earner? OP’s DH is concerned about financial stability. Doesn’t seem that he would go out and become a ‘successful businessman’ making more than enough to have OP stay home and not have any financial impact.

Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

TractorAndHeadphones
We certainly did plan for staying together which is why I own half of the business.

Aria999
Apologies. Yes it was heated but someone needs to call this person out. I’m probably talking to her in the only language I think she understands. Not intended to hit the verbal missile at you or anyone else. I’ll try better next time…..x

@Anotherlongroad

TractorAndHeadphones We certainly did plan for staying together which is why I own half of the business.

Agains that’s assuming that he a) has a business that was worth owning and b) gave you half.

Does OP’s DH appear to want to do that?

@Anotherlongroad what I’m trying to say is that being a SAHM is situation dependent. It’s not the ‘default’. It’s not a situation to’fall into’. It must be an active choice planned carefully otherwise there will be resentment.
I don’t recall anyone saying that peoples brains would rot or anything.

So if one party doesn’t want to do it. It must not be done..

TractorAndHeadphones he might do if he takes off with a business of his own and trusts his partner enough. I took a risk and maybe I was lucky. But I felt that if it all went belly up and I had to go back to work, it would be fine. Probably not my first career choice at first but most mums I know who go back after mat leave end up being sidelined to some extent in the short and medium term (and all the ones who weren’t sidelined are definitely on MN!!) ;)

TractorAndHeadphones
I think the comments about sitting around getting fat and reading Cosmopolitan all day from one poster pretty much insinuated that our brains rot! It’s definitely a common theme aimed at SAHMs. As for the person (think it was the same one) who said we gossip all day…nothing could be further from the truth. I actively avoid school gates and live a long way from catchment areas of schools. I’ve no interest in gossiping with people about teachers, curriculum, kids….it’s very boring. I drop my kids and go.
And it’s definitely not to a packet of biscuits and a Cosmo (does anyone over 21 actually read that?!) But granted, not your comments - just a response to your question….

It must be an active choice planned carefully otherwise there will be resentment
Exactly this.

The sooner we get down to the practical elements of planning and get away from but MY life is amazing and MY husband is the most amazing person and MY time as a SAHP is super duper brilliant, for some reason all the silly women on hamster wheels seem to have an issue with my wonderful life , the better.

It's irrelevant how any of us structure our families because our situations aren't the OP's situation. The OP and her DH need to come to a situation where both people make an informed decision on what is right for their family, without any emotional manipulation or guilt tripping.

I agree with everything you say again @LolaSmiles - it really doesn’t matter what some SAHM on this thread do and why, it’s irrelevant in this circumstance. What’s not irrelevant are they reasons for the OP going back to work - because they underpin her financial reality.

Lolasmiles if people suggest you’re harping in about your ‘great’ life - they clearly have a level of amnesia. This was my response- it’s all fine and we’re happy thanks, to suggestions that DHs like mine must be control freaks and that we need to consider the what ifs etc!! It’s a response. Again, you seem not to understand that it’s ok to have a different view of the world without criticising that other view and belittling it. Given how many people on MN moan about how little their OH does and how crap they are, I’m not surprised people put down ‘successful’ marriages/partnerships. Negative circling does seem to pick up the debris unfortunately. It’s not healthy and if it’s ‘different’ to how you ordinarily see the world, maybe you should not be so quick to judge. Again, from the mouth of (I think) a successful working type who’s CV no doubt states how great she is at thinking outside the box!! Love it.

Your life snd your situation are completely irrelevant to the OPs @Anotherlongroad

Anotherlongroad
You successfully me-railed a thread about a poster who is in entirely different circumstances to you into a thread about how awesome your life is, how great your DH is, and some other random irrelevant ramblings suggesting everyone hates on SAHP.

Even in this post you're still at it with the bizarre claim that i don't understand different views of the world, which is hilarious when I've repeatedly said:

1. It doesn't matter how different people structure their families
2. SAHP/breadwinner set ups can work for some families, just like working parents can.
3. What matters is that both parents are on board with their family arrangements and everyone has made an informed decision
4. Nobody should be guilt tripping, manipulating or making unilateral decisions to get their own way

But you keep doing you and trying to create some bizarre little SAHM vs working mum battle with silly digs at working parents, and a healthy side suggestion that the world must be looking for a downside to awesome relationships like yours. For whatever bizarre reason trying to create stir conflict between SAHP and working mums is something you're weirdly invested in fuelling.

@Anotherlongroad

Lolasmiles if people suggest you’re harping in about your ‘great’ life - they clearly have a level of amnesia. This was my response- it’s all fine and we’re happy thanks, to suggestions that DHs like mine must be control freaks and that we need to consider the what ifs etc!! It’s a response. Again, you seem not to understand that it’s ok to have a different view of the world without criticising that other view and belittling it. Given how many people on MN moan about how little their OH does and how crap they are, I’m not surprised people put down ‘successful’ marriages/partnerships. Negative circling does seem to pick up the debris unfortunately. It’s not healthy and if it’s ‘different’ to how you ordinarily see the world, maybe you should not be so quick to judge. Again, from the mouth of (I think) a successful working type who’s CV no doubt states how great she is at thinking outside the box!! Love it.

Nobody should have said anything about Cosmo’s, or hamster wheels but the point isn’t relevant! It’s not negative circling to point out that OP’s OWN DH is the one who doesn’t want to be the sole breadwinner. What you and your partner have decided and how successful your marriage is - irrelevant!

It’s not negative circling to point out that OP’s OWN DH is the one who doesn’t want to be the sole breadwinner. What you and your partner have decided and how successful your marriage is - irrelevant!
Very, very well said.

It doesn't matter how any of us have structured our family because our situation is not the OP's and what matters is the OP and her DH come to an informed decision about what is best for their family and their circumstances.