To want to be a stay home mum?

[wanttostayathome]

So I've got about 6 months left of my maternity leave, and I already know for a fact I don't want to go back. I love being a mum and I want to take another year or two off to raise my baby before she starts school.

Financially, it would be tight and although probably doable we'd have much less disposable income. My DH thinks I should go back for the money and also to have some balance between mum life and the old me.

I however disagree. There's nothing more I want from my life than to raise my baby but I don't know how to approach this conversation with him, as I know my POV isn't the done thing and I should want to be able to juggle career and family.

So, AIBU?

@Babysharkdududududu

I didn’t single out mothers - this is a thread on mums net. Tbh I think you are the one who has really been quite nasty on here.

I think it’s so sad that as a society we are now so job obsessed that to some a woman wanting to spend a little more time with her own baby is considered selfish by some.

Literally no-one has said that - what is selfish is riding roughshod over your partner’s very real and justifiable concerns about putting the whole family in a precarious financial position.

I’m a strong advocate of part time and flexible working. For both sexes.

Totally agree with this. In fact I know two couples who split it entirely down the middle, each working 2.5 days each. That's an awesome solution and I'd love to see it enabled more widely.

Hi OP

If you're still here (watching the bun fight!) I was wondering about unpaid parental leave. My husband took some off when my second was young, only a month, but I believe you can take a year unpaid in total in the first 18 years of your childs life. You could look into this as a compromise and effectively extending your maternity leave, you would then at least have a job to return to and a fixed end date which might help. I'd look into your company's policy on it. I think it does make a difference if you're sure you're having one child and won't be having another lot of maternity leave etc and all the other expenses - it might give you some flexibility with finances

@TractorAndHeadphones I had babies back in the day before subsidised hours. Having dc1 took a big enough chunk of my take home pay; by the time we had dc2, we were no better off financially in the short term with me working. Then with dc3, two in nursery and one in wraparound, I was probably paying to go to work in the short term! Of course there are loads more reasons for working particularly for those in socially necessary and worthwhile jobs. But as you rightly say, it can become harder and harder to get a foothold back in the workplace after time out.

Anyway, the important thing is not individual anecdotes but the actual facts. And the fact is, the statistics show that women are far more financially vulnerable and under prepared particularly in retirement age. That's definitely something worth talking about. Of course it's so much lazier (and bitchier) to talk about handbags rather than the very real issue of women needing to feed themselves and have a roof over their head.

There's always so much bitterness in this discussion. I think sahms and working mums sometimes both feel defensive about their choices.

I blame the people who told us when we were younger that we could Have It All.

There have been some ill considered comments on both sides. I particularly bristled at the idea that all you do as a stay at home Mum is read cosmo and get fatter 🤣

Ahhh - but at least you’re bring a proper, non-materialistic mum who won’t miss a single milestone of your advanced child’s life

*being

Weirdly, the SAHM who think WOHM are materialistic and shallow for wanting to work don't seem to regard their own high-flying husbands the same way...

Weirdly, the SAHM who think WOHM are materialistic and shallow for wanting to work don't seem to regard their own high-flying husbands the same way

Quite

If you are lucky enough to be able to afford a couple days of childcare then you can miss them anyway.

I apparently missed DS's first steps as he was at daycare but I wasn't too bothered, I just got excited the first time I actually saw him do it.

@AudacityBaby that's not what she actually said though is it?

The comment was directed at people who despise those who choose not to work. It's not quite the same thing.

I am a sahm of 6 years who is starting a new job on Monday so I feel perfectly on the fence right now 😊

Good luck Aria999! Both in the new job and in getting posters on here to respond to what was actually said!

Lol thanks

in getting posters on here to respond to what was actually said

And what was actually said that you feel wasn't addressed properly?

@SirChenjins

UGh, see above. I’m done on this now.

@Aria999 I missed dc3's first steps not because he was at nursery but because I was in the kitchen making lunch while my friend was in the sitting room. We all survived, no long term ill effects reported!

I've never heard the phrase Golden Uterus Syndrome before AudacityBaby, but now you've mentioned the changing room thread I see your point.
Some people really do believe that they can justify doing whatever they want because they've had a baby and everyone else in the world should suck up their reservations because the new messiah has been born.

I see above and that doesn't answer my question, but I see that you're finished on this thread.

If you are a care giver mum, then NI contributions are credited for those years towards your pension. However, I worked in jobs that fitted around them when babies. Night work etc. The the school run comes and I changed again to jobs that would allow for being off in school holidays. Then I changed again as they started high school to work I wanted. During their early years, I studied and completed university. So I was ready when they were less dependent on me. Go for it, but think ahead, mine are well educated. But it does depend on money and your h. Next year, is going to be tight financially as Gov keeps saying. And I did all this as a single parent. Good luck

@lydia2021 If you’re a Sahm, is your pension paid into during that time?

Ah, and that old phrase 'having it all.' Bloody meaningless.
It is, however, perfectly possible for mums and dads to have a nice life balance of home, work, hobbies... becoming parents doesn't have to mean taking separate work / home roles, but of course, much depends on the kind of person you choose to procreate with.

I’ve called the women who prioritise financial status above all else materialistic and shallow and quite rightly so.

It's always just the women isn't it? Apparently men work to provide for their families but women work for luxuries.......

Grinchisback. NI contributions continue to be allocated from the Gov towards the years needed to get a pension. You can check with the Gov website if you want. It also applies to other situations such as carer for elderly person . Do your own checks with NI people as well. It's worth years towards your pension., cant remember what it's called, maybe Home Responsibilities... it's been a long time since I looked after little ones

Ah, and that old phrase 'having it all.' Bloody meaningless.
Agreed. For a start, nobody asks men whether it's possible to 'have it all'. Often it's expected that men will carry on as usual and the rest is picked up by women.
It is, however, perfectly possible for mums and dads to have a nice life balance of home, work, hobbies... becoming parents doesn't have to mean taking separate work / home roles, but of course, much depends on the kind of person you choose to procreate with
I agree with this.

There are many ways to structure family life where both mum and dad can have a range of interests, different employment options, equitable downtime and so on.
It's a question of choices and sharing similar values.