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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to be a stay home mum?

999 replies

wanttostayathome · 27/10/2021 15:09

So I've got about 6 months left of my maternity leave, and I already know for a fact I don't want to go back. I love being a mum and I want to take another year or two off to raise my baby before she starts school.

Financially, it would be tight and although probably doable we'd have much less disposable income. My DH thinks I should go back for the money and also to have some balance between mum life and the old me.

I however disagree. There's nothing more I want from my life than to raise my baby but I don't know how to approach this conversation with him, as I know my POV isn't the done thing and I should want to be able to juggle career and family.

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
TractorAndHeadphones · 29/10/2021 13:07

Also OP has already said she’ll look into part time. We’re all here arguing for no reason 😂

BettyCarver · 29/10/2021 13:09

I love how those snidy throwaway lines about being materialistic and mums working to pay for handbags are invariably followed up moments later by the poster claiming they aren't being nasty at all, and indeed they're in the very act of retraining / studying for their future ....Wink

Babysharkdududududu · 29/10/2021 13:12

Wow my “materialistic and status driven”comment has really hit a nerve.

Maybe if you are the kind of person who only judges someone by their job title and bank balance, it feels uncomfortable to have this pointed out to you.

And no, I don’t think only men should provide or that women shouldn’t be doctors. Did I say any of these things? No.

I think the small minority of women who beat other women down for not choosing to work towards a high paying professional career (something out of reach for many by the way) should adjust their materialistic and shallow attitudes.

For the hard of hearing I am NOT criticising working mothers (FFS), but I am openly criticising the snobs who look down on SAHMs or let’s be honest, mothers who aren’t focussed on a professional career.

Babysharkdududududu · 29/10/2021 13:14

@BettyCarver

Studying comment was made in my first comment to OP actually. But don’t let actual facts or what I actually wrote get in the way of a good SAHM bashing.

Cranncat · 29/10/2021 13:14

Wow my “materialistic and status driven”comment has really hit a nerve.

No, people are simply pointing out that it was a remarkably unpleasant and prejudiced remark and says a lot about your mentality, none of it pleasant.

BettyCarver · 29/10/2021 13:15

Thanks for responding!!!

BettyCarver · 29/10/2021 13:16

@Cranncat nail on head

Babysharkdududududu · 29/10/2021 13:16

You’re welcome, sure it was the highlight of your day!!!!!

TheKeatingFive · 29/10/2021 13:16

Wow my “materialistic and status driven”comment has really hit a nerve.

Because it was shitty.

Is it 'materialistic and status driven' to fund your own pension? Buy your own house? Not rely on someone else for your living expenses?

No.

No wonder women are fucked in their retirement with attitudes like yours

Babysharkdududududu · 29/10/2021 13:20

No, it’s materialistic and shitty to site having something that for many women is out of reach (a professional job and salary) as a reason not to do something many women want to do (stay at home in toddler years).

BettyCarver · 29/10/2021 13:21

Yes it was really shitty. Ditto the comments about nurseries- obviously intended to suggest that parents who put their children in nursery are giving them a poor experience. And then the usual passive aggressive smiley 'oh no, I'm really not against working mums' two minutes later!

Babysharkdududududu · 29/10/2021 13:24

How do you think all the mothers who would realistically never have been able to buy their own house or have a good pension feel -about themselves reading your comments?

Like these things are the only things to aim for in life. They’re not. Yes they’re important and if you get them good for you. But equally all of the scaremongering “you’ll never get a high paying job and good pension and own house” etc etc can’t make fun reading for someone who would never have had a chance of obtaining those things anyway, SAHM or not

TheKeatingFive · 29/10/2021 13:27

Gosh I guess all the women currently living in pension poverty can pat themselves on the back for not being 'materialistic'. I'm sure that's of huge comfort to them. 🙄

TheKeatingFive · 29/10/2021 13:29

How do you think all the mothers who would realistically never have been able to buy their own house or have a good pension feel -about themselves reading your comments?

By not exiting the workforce, they would have been improving their financial prospects for the future, regardless. I know it's not a truth you want to face up to though.

TheKeatingFive · 29/10/2021 13:31

Surely we should be capable of having a conversation about the problems being faced by low earning women, without resorting to calling wohm 'materialistic and status driven' 🙄

Babysharkdududududu · 29/10/2021 13:33

Again @BettyCarver if you actually read my posts you’ll see that I put my own child in nursery part time!!!

You don’t care about facts though just about attacking me (whilst calling my posts shitty - hypocrite!!)

I think nurseries are great!! And I also think the women who run them are fucking fantastic!! And a lot of those women are on minimum wage or low salaries. Some of them will probably struggle to buy their own house, have a good pension etc.

It’s the completely insensitive attitude from some that having material wealth, your own home big pensions etc are the only things that matters that really grates on me. Unless you live in a bubble you must be aware that many men and women will not achieve this.

Babysharkdududududu · 29/10/2021 13:34

No one has called wohm materialistic and shallow.

I’ve called the women who prioritise financial status above all else materialistic and shallow and quite rightly so.

Babysharkdududududu · 29/10/2021 13:37

@TheKeatingFive

Actually if a mother earns less than the childcare fees she would be improving her financial position by starting at home until it pays to go back to work. Situations are different and this one size fits all everyone must go back to work at a certain time approach actually isn’t achievable or beneficial for many.

TractorAndHeadphones · 29/10/2021 13:39

@Babysharkdududududu

No one has called wohm materialistic and shallow.

I’ve called the women who prioritise financial status above all else materialistic and shallow and quite rightly so.

Since when is a wanting a pension and owning a home shallow? These are things needed to live. Using the word ‘big’ for pensions is deceptive. Very few people have pensions allowing a life of luxury but benefits and the state pension alone aren’t pleasant prospects.
HenryTheHorseDancesTheWaaaltz · 29/10/2021 13:40

Also, (now this is another awful truth), but women who marry high earning men and then are divorced are widowed sometimes end up better off than they otherwise would have done. This is grossly unfair, but true.

BettyCarver · 29/10/2021 13:40

Which women are those then? Haven't seen anyone posting to that effect on here.

Of course there are undoubtedly some people with materialistic values- men, teenagers, single women, - but interestingly you choose to single out mothers.

Just like there are people in all areas of life who can be downright nasty

TheKeatingFive · 29/10/2021 13:41

Actually if a mother earns less than the childcare fees she would be improving her financial position by starting at home until it pays to go back to work.

Almost certainly not in the longer run, no.

Babysharkdududududu · 29/10/2021 13:47

I didn’t single out mothers - this is a thread on mums net. Tbh I think you are the one who has really been quite nasty on here.

I think it’s so sad that as a society we are now so job obsessed that to some a woman wanting to spend a little more time with her own baby is considered selfish by some.

TractorAndHeadphones · 29/10/2021 13:48

@TheKeatingFive

Actually if a mother earns less than the childcare fees she would be improving her financial position by starting at home until it pays to go back to work.

Almost certainly not in the longer run, no.

The issue is that it becomes easier and easier for it to not ‘pay’ to go back to work, in the short term. ‘Until funded childcare’ becomes ‘until primary school’ etc etc.

Again all depends on industry, precious qualifications, how easy it is to get back to work. 2 years SAHM is different from 5, or 10. Early, mid or late career?

I’m a strong advocate of part time and flexible working. For both sexes.

TractorAndHeadphones · 29/10/2021 13:50

@Babysharkdududududu

I didn’t single out mothers - this is a thread on mums net. Tbh I think you are the one who has really been quite nasty on here.

I think it’s so sad that as a society we are now so job obsessed that to some a woman wanting to spend a little more time with her own baby is considered selfish by some.

It’s only selfish if it’s considered her right at the expense of the father. Because she is taking only herself and not her partner into consideration which is the very definition of selfish.