To want to be a stay home mum?

[wanttostayathome]

So I've got about 6 months left of my maternity leave, and I already know for a fact I don't want to go back. I love being a mum and I want to take another year or two off to raise my baby before she starts school.

Financially, it would be tight and although probably doable we'd have much less disposable income. My DH thinks I should go back for the money and also to have some balance between mum life and the old me.

I however disagree. There's nothing more I want from my life than to raise my baby but I don't know how to approach this conversation with him, as I know my POV isn't the done thing and I should want to be able to juggle career and family.

So, AIBU?

So it would be disrespectful for her to give up work if her husband doesn't want her to but it's not disrespectful for him to insist she carries on working?

When we graduated, dh was on about £27k. I was on about £13k though, so different times. We moved about a bit with his work. I usually had a salary of £18k-ish as an admin. He did progress on a graduate scheme and continued to do so after. I got made redundant on mat leave from my £22k job when we had dc1. That's when it became difficult to find anything that would go near our childcare bills. So I stayed at home.

I'm back at work now, but it's part time. Dh is on £70k annually plus perks and bonuses. I make about £150 a week! I do get a pension too.

So, it does happen. This is the honest truth about our finances.

I'm quite lucky as I inherited money when my mum died (so not that lucky obviously). So we have a reasonable amount in savings and we don't spend very much anyway. If we got divorced obviously I'd be way worse off than dh, but, tbh, I never had the earning potential he did. He was always an A student with a first class degree and masters in a stem subject. I could never have expected a £70k salary.

I'm also studying towards being a teaching assistant, which I'd like to do and then may retrain as a teacher, but not for a while yet. So then I'd be a bit more comfortable even on my own. But he'd definitely be the higher earner and that was always likely to be the case.

but it's not disrespectful for him to insist she carries on working?

She's asking him to pick up the tab. Of course it's different.

Threads like this on mumsnet are usually dominated by working mums (or working childfree women) and are often quite hostile towards SAHMs. I’ve read way more comments attacking SAHMs than working mums on here. I really don’t understand the hostility it’s a personal choice!

I’m a SAHM to a toddler (although studying in evenings and when she’s at nursery to retrain).

If you really want to stay home maybe try and sell it to your partner:

• he can focus more on work and less on childcare and housework. I wonder how many families with two working parents genuinely split household and childcare chores fairly (they SHOULD of course, but I bet they don’t).

• he won’t have to take time off when children are ill, need picking up, nursery is shut etc

• maybe set a firm date for when you’ll return so he knows it’s not forever.

• look at budgeting so he knows you’ll all be ok financially and think of a back up plan if he loses his job.

I love spending more time with my toddler and am lucky my DH actually wanted this (and could afford it). He will be in for a MASSIVE shock though when I do go back to work and he now has to sort his own clothes, cook half of the dinner and do half of the childcare 😂

I would also add at about two we put our toddler in nursery part time to socialise her and he loved it! So maybe just ask for another year off and then go back part time when they’re two.

Do agree with others that it needs to be a joint decision but for some men it actually works really well and they prefer it.

@Rosebel

So it would be disrespectful for her to give up work if her husband doesn't want her to but it's not disrespectful for him to insist she carries on working?

You don’t think both people need to be having a serious discussion about potentially halving the household income and one person ceasing to earn money to provide for the family, thereby putting the sole earning responsibility on the other party?

Also I don’t know how much your salary was OP, but full time childcare for under threes can be really expensive! So it might actually be cheaper for you to give up work for another year or so (before you get government help with nursery funding) then for you to go back to work and pay all of the childcare and travel costs.

@Barbie222 I was a SAHM for 5 years. I am the higher qualified and now the higher earner. I work at the most senior level in my organisation and my dh is self employed.

Our dc are teens now and I had no idea that I would want to stay at home once we'd had a child, but I did. Very much so.

My dh was more than happy to work this out with me and as he's self employed he had a lot of flexibility to work hours that still allowed him to be with us and be a big part of dc's day to day lives.

We did tighten our belts but it was an incredible experience and one i have zero regrets about. I decided it was time to go back to work with dc were in school and went part time for a few years. This was hard as I basically did more or less a full time role in part time hours.

I returned to work at a far more senior level than I had left so it was very worthwhile juggling things so much in those years. Again dh shared the load with me and we made it work.

I am now at the top level of my industry and work full time hours.

We could not have made this work without both of us being fully invested in helping each other (during my years at home I helped my dh a lot with his business though never formally worked in it). We're a team in life and have each other's backs.

My dh was never controlling and there was no power struggle at play in our arrangements.

I do think being established in my career before having dc (35 having 1st) certainly contributed to being able to slot back in very seamlessly - I did not return to the same organisation, but my skill set & experience was valued in other organisations too.

I feel incredibly lucky that we were able to make it work for us and it was a hugely enriching experience for us.

I did. We were skint, but very happy.

I didn't get to stay at home full time to raise mine as I was a single mum for most of it until met my hubby, I still worked part time but stopped working when my daughter had her first child and I've never gone back 4 gk down, I wish I'd got to do this with my own kids, money isn't everything, my mum never worked as my dad worked on oil rigs so he was well paid and away 6 months out the year but I loved she was always home and I love being home for the gk

What do you mean it isn't the done thing? My friend has a 2 year old and a 3 year old and she's a stay at home mum. My baby is only 2 months old but I don't think there's any question that I'd do anything but be a stay at home mum. I wasn't working before I had him though but I don't see how it would be worth it with how much childcare costs 🙈 My boyfriend has actually just dropped a day at work (same hours so same pay just doing less days with longer hours) so he has more time at home too. I think if you can do it thd benefits for the the child of having you there with them will outweigh anything else.

I would add to what I have already said to say that in my years at home the most negativity I encountered was from former colleagues, most of whom did not have dc at that time. I had a lot of 'oh, aren't you going back to work? How can you bear to be at home with a baby all the time'

One former colleague was introducing me at a social event (not work) and said 'this is UniBallEye...and then paused for what felt like ages...and went on to say ' she used be be XX'. It was like she could only introduce me in the context of my work. I just smiled and held out my hand and said 'I'm UniBallEye, nice to meet you'
It did make me think though about how much that colleagues identity must be tied up with the role she occupied.

I never felt that. I was still ME regardless of whether I was working or not. And I rarely talked about babies / children when I was out.

The other thing that happened was i was dropped socially by one group of colleagues and never again invited to a drink / dinner etc. In my industry (creative) there is a LOT of socialising / events. That was also revealing to me.

One of the group actually apologies to me a year or two later when she had a dc herself and she realised how they had utterly isolated me once my dc came along.

It was an interesting time when attituded to motherhood / work really came to the fore for me

I haven't seen loads of hostility towards SAHM on here at all. Just people pointing out that it's very unreasonable for one partner to make a unilateral decision. Important life decisions which impact on both partners should be agreed by both partners. That's all.

As an oldie with grown up kids, I have friends in my age group who worked right through, some part time, some full time, some were SAHM for a while, a few barely returned to work at all. Looking at our now adult children, they are happy and well adjusted. You wouldn't know from looking at them who had a SAHM and who didn't! And ultimately that's what matters: raising decent, positive human beings. Which can be done with parents who work or parents who don't.

As a slight aside, the 'first steps' thing always makes me giggle. My dc3 took his first steps on a Sunday when I had a friend round and I was in the kitchen making lunch- so I didn't actually witness his first step, my friend did. Even though I was at home at the time. Happy to report this caused no great trauma for ds or for me.

It’s not ‘attacking’ SAHMs to point out the long term effects of leaving the workplace.

Great book ‘invisible women’ covering this. People are quite happy to cling on to anecdotes and ignore the massive body of evidence about the financial setbacks women face after giving up work to care for children. That’s not saying you shouldn’t do it but to go in eyes open.

@McNuggetsAndMcFlurries

I’m sorry to be that poster, however are you independently very wealthy?
Otherwise you are pretty vulnerable and kind of proving the point. If your boyfriend left you what would you do?

The PP was pointing out it isn’t really the ‘down thing’ in their circle and that’s because their circle were highly educated, high earning professionals beforehand.

The childcare cost thing is being thrown around but not only is that a shared expense, some women including the OP far outward what childcare would cost.

I’d love to see my DH’s reaction if I decided to jack my job in and reduce our household income by 2/3. Would I be totally justified as so many posters seem to think?

I think the hostility towards OP for wanting to stay home is shocking.

She wants to. He doesn’t want her to. So she doesn’t get to end of story. And she’s “selfish” for even wanting to. No she shouldn’t force the decision on him but surely there is a debate to be had between her and her partner, before her wishes are shut down. They may have been a two income family before but are people not allowed to change their mind?

I never thought I would want to stay home for more than a year until my baby came along. I didn’t “sideline” my DH and he isn’t controlling or any of the other ridiculous scenarios listed by some on here. We just thought it would be best for our family.

I think a lot of the attitudes and “advice” on here for SAHM’s comes down to good old fashioned job snobbery. To some having two high earning “professionals” in a family is all that matters.

Thank god not everyone is so status driven and materialistic - or we wouldn’t have any minimum wage (and badly underpaid) nursery staff looking after our toddlers and enabling so many women to go back to work straight away.

(Once again...) NO one has said the OP def shouldn't be a SAHM. We have simply said that it's something to be discussed like adults between the parents because it impacts on them both.

And @Babyshark... the irony of your nasty vicious comments towards WOHM. I bet you're the kind of person who's really pissed off when the children of WOHM grow up just as happy and well-adjusted as your own kids

@Babysharkdududududu, your prejudices are showing.

We just thought it would be best for our family.

Notice the word 'we' there. You presumably made a joint decision. Just as it never occurred to me or my DH for a single moment that my career was suddenly optional just because we'd had a baby, though in our case the only discussion was about the best kind of childcare, and how we could both work more flexibly.

And DH has has a 'big' job in a male-dominated and historically pretty sexist industry, with huge amounts of reponsibility and travel, and he still manages to be a hands-on father.

@Babysharkdududududu

I think the hostility towards OP for wanting to stay home is shocking.

She wants to. He doesn’t want her to. So she doesn’t get to end of story. And she’s “selfish” for even wanting to. No she shouldn’t force the decision on him but surely there is a debate to be had between her and her partner, before her wishes are shut down. They may have been a two income family before but are people not allowed to change their mind?

I never thought I would want to stay home for more than a year until my baby came along. I didn’t “sideline” my DH and he isn’t controlling or any of the other ridiculous scenarios listed by some on here. We just thought it would be best for our family.

I think a lot of the attitudes and “advice” on here for SAHM’s comes down to good old fashioned job snobbery. To some having two high earning “professionals” in a family is all that matters.

Thank god not everyone is so status driven and materialistic - or we wouldn’t have any minimum wage (and badly underpaid) nursery staff looking after our toddlers and enabling so many women to go back to work straight away.

I agree with this but sadly it's a widely held view on here

Thank god not everyone is so status driven and materialistic

Clueless 🙄

Oh and @Babysharkdududududu do you view all mothers who are teachers, doctors, lawyers, or in a thousand other worthwhile and necessary professions as 'materialistic' and 'status driven.'?

I do hope you stick by your principles and only have your children taught or treated by childless women or by men. I hope if you buy a house you refuse to use a conveyancing solicitor unless they're childless or a big important man. After all, think of the poor neglected offspring of the mother who might be doing those important and necessary jobs.

Dear god....

Im not attacking working mums at all! I’m studying to go back to work soon, so I would only be attacking myself!!

And I would never wish for anyone’s child to be poorly adjusted. What a nasty thing to say!! You should look at the irony of calling someone else’s comment nasty!!

I do think a small minority on here are very hostile towards the OP and SAHMs in general though. And they are usually the ones who praise maintaining your career. I have nothing against this either (am trying to do the same thing myself) but money and status are not the only important things in life and OP shouldn’t be made to feel guilty or called selfish for wanting a few years off with her child. (And if you read the thread, some definitely were saying she should feel guilty for this).

@BettyCarver

Ok your actually just being ridiculous and not going to dignify with any further comments.

@BettyCarver

(Once again...) NO one has said the OP def shouldn't be a SAHM. We have simply said that it's something to be discussed like adults between the parents because it impacts on them both.

And @Babyshark... the irony of your nasty vicious comments towards WOHM. I bet you're the kind of person who's really pissed off when the children of WOHM grow up just as happy and well-adjusted as your own kids

The irony is strong on this thread. A lot of SAHM claiming what WOHP are being mean to OP. Again on MN which ‘side’ is being vicious probably depends on the thread but that’s not the point.

OP and her DH must have a discussion. All of this depends on the variables of their income, how easy her job is to return to etc etc. Nobody here can advice.

Thank god not everyone is so status driven and materialistic

Oh, I always love when this is trotted out. Mothers work for handbags and fancy cars, because they're shallow, remember?

Big important fathers on the other hand work to 'provide'.

Honestly, go do one with attitudes like this. It's not just the job of the person with the dick to finance the family.

@Babysharkdududududu it’s not an issue with wanting anything. It’s about discussing it as a team. There are a large number of posters saying that OP has to ‘do what’s best for her’ - but what about her DP?

Like it or not marriage is about teamwork.