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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to be a stay home mum?

999 replies

wanttostayathome · 27/10/2021 15:09

So I've got about 6 months left of my maternity leave, and I already know for a fact I don't want to go back. I love being a mum and I want to take another year or two off to raise my baby before she starts school.

Financially, it would be tight and although probably doable we'd have much less disposable income. My DH thinks I should go back for the money and also to have some balance between mum life and the old me.

I however disagree. There's nothing more I want from my life than to raise my baby but I don't know how to approach this conversation with him, as I know my POV isn't the done thing and I should want to be able to juggle career and family.

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
Rosebel · 29/10/2021 07:09

@LolaSmiles

jacks11 They were willfully misunderstanding. For some reason they seem to find it awfully difficult to realise that nobody has the right to force their partner to be a breadwinner and that manipulation and guilt tripping has no place in a relationship. Their posts have been full of little bait about how people apparently don't like SAHMs too. Clueless or goady is a matter of opinion. By the time you get to this gem: Women are so bloody complicated. I understand men far more. Is there such a thing as DadNet?? It's laughable. This poster isn't like the other girls. Grin
People keep saying it's not fair to expect the husband to be the sole earner. But OP doesn't want to go back to work. Why is his opinion better /more valid than hers? They can afford for her to be at home but I know on MN any woman who doesn't work is seen as lazy,/strange/sponging off her husband.
asteroommatus · 29/10/2021 07:24

Why is his opinion better /more valid than hers? They can afford for her to be at home but I know on MN any woman who doesn't work is seen as lazy,/strange/sponging off her husband.

Because he would be the one financing it.

Not everyone wants to have sole responsibility for the household income. The plan was clearly that op was going back to work. She wants to change it.

Why should that mean he has to become the sole earner?

Its not anyone's in more valid. But if your choice puts more responsibility on someone else, it's not a decision you can make without their support.

Bunnycat101 · 29/10/2021 07:43

Mat leave with a 6m old baby can be lonely. I wouldn’t have been ready to leave mine at that point but part-time working worked well. I have done 3 and 4. 3 was better for the children, 4 was better for my job.

I’ve seen you’re going to ask about the part-time options and that is the logical thing to do really. Being a sahm would be lovely if you can afford the hit and still live comfortably. It doesn’t sound like that is the case for you. The things you’ve got to weigh up in the longer-term are:

  • if you have another child you could easily be out for more years. You’re unlikely to he making a decision for a year - chances are once you’re out with multiple children you’re looking at 5 years plus
  • You need to think about you in 10 years time, what sort of work you’d want, what would make you happy etc. many women find it hard to return to the same level after a break.
  • babies are cheap and they just want you. Older children (and not even that old) want friends, activities, stuff etc.
  • the pressure on the main earner to provide can be significant. What if your husband loses his job, what if he’s sick.

We earn enough for me to not work. My heart would like that but the reasons we haven’t so far:

  • pension including additional payments
  • mitigate the risk of my husband losing his job
  • keep career going and build back up reputation after mat leave gaps.
  • to keep option of private school available.
BunNcheese · 29/10/2021 07:58

@1forAll74

It is great being a stay at home Mum. You miss so much of a child's early years, if they are taken elsewhere to be looked after by others.
Some people don't want it. Day in day out. The routine can be relentless maybe it depends on the type of child too. But it's nice to have a change and break the routine up a bit. I like going to the hairdressers by myself and I like having a coffee in peace. Having a phone call in peace for half an hour. Simple things like this can grind you down. I guess it's personalities differing to want to be a SAHM too.
alwayslearning789 · 29/10/2021 08:20

"My DH thinks I should go back for the money and also to have some balance between mum life and the old me."

This speaks volumes.

And standing from the other side of childhood, there is a lot of truth to that.

Plus being the Sole Earner is a heavy responsibility for the one doing it.

Go back to work OP for you, your child and your family's sake.

It will be worth it:
Pensions, DC independence, Your independence to name a few.... before we even get to the financial flexibility and a Plan B if required given the uncertainties of life.

BettyCarver · 29/10/2021 08:24

It's not about his opinion being more valid than hers. It's about their opinions being equally valid.

It's not simply a case of 'if they can live off one income then she automatically has the right to stop working.' There are huge pressures around carrying the total financial responsibility for a family. There may be worries (even if unspoken) about redundancy. There may be pressure to chase promotion and more money. There may be risk of burn out. Plus all the other curve balls life can throw.

Any major life decision should be discussed and agreed in a respectful relationship, not based on making demands or being manipulative.

The OP has every right to voice to her dh what she wants, and he has every right to voice what he wants, and that might be to not have to shoulder the financial burden single handedly. And if that's the case, then she has every right to expect more from him in terms of the domestic side of things... splitting days off if the child is sick, sharing domestic chores. That's how relationships between adults work, through honest communication and agreement, compromising when necessary.

MN is a bizarre place sometimes. You get the posters like @Anotherlongroad who try to hijack the thread by having a pop at WOHM and banging on about how they miss the precious moments (interspersed with posts telling us she's really not criticising!)

There's also massive double standards: a full time demanding career is either a easy ride compared with the stress of being at home with a baby, or it's something that's far too difficult and stressful to imagine trying to maintain - depending on who's doing the job!!

Ultimately it's up to couples as a unit to discuss parenting, working and running the home and to come to an arrangement which works for the family. There isn't a universally agreed or proven 'right' way. There are happy, successful and emotionally well adjusted adults who were raised in families where both, one or neither parents worked.

It really should be no surprise though that many couples choose an arrangement that isn't a clear cut earning/ SAH model. People often partner someone with similar levels of education, skills; with similar values and outlook. They often have similar capability of earning and of running a home. When I started living with dh, I didn't overnight become far superior at cooking or doing the laundry, and neither did he suddenly swoop ahead in his career. Likewise when a few years down the line we both decided it would be lovely to have kids, I didn't suddenly become an expert in changing nappies, entertaining toddlers or going to play group! We decided to both continue earning at a reasonable level but while the children were little, neither of us chased the kind of promotions which would have meant we had less time at home. As I said upthread, I'm sure if I'd stopped working, my dh would then have felt pressure to work longer hours or taken a promotion which would have involved travel... and they hey ho, a few years down the line I'd have perhaps been wanting a job but it would all have felt too difficult because we'd have prioritised dhs career.

So, in short OP- talk to your dh like an adult, and accept that if he doesn't want to be sole earner then it's really disrespectful and potentially very damaging to your relationship to try to pressure him into it. You're both parents; it's not something you have a monopoly on. Yes, as mothers we get the ML and may breastfeed but that doesn't confer special rights on you to give up your job at the end of your leave. And actually as an 'old timer' with 3 adult children, all very happy and successful and with a successful career of my own under my belt, I can honestly say that having children was the best thing I ever did, and maintaining my work life was a close second.

LolaSmiles · 29/10/2021 08:32

People keep saying it's not fair to expect the husband to be the sole earner. But OP doesn't want to go back to work.
Why is his opinion better /more valid than hers?They can afford for her to be at home but I know on MN any woman who doesn't work is seen as lazy,/strange/sponging off her husband.

It's nothing about bring lazy or sponging.
Hmm

As countless people have said, if a couple decides they want a SAHP/breadwinner set up and everyone is on board then great.

Not everyone wants to be a breadwinner and take sole responsibility for household finances.
Not everyone wants their daily lifestyle to financially tight in order for one person to stay at home.
Nobody gets to decide they don't want to work, that they don't mind a change in lifestyle and tight finances, and that their partner has to suck it up and be the breadwinner.

ilovechocolate07 · 29/10/2021 08:32

I did it after our 2nd and don't regret it at all. Money was extremely tight with strict budget but we still managed and had lots of fun. I went back part time when they went to pre-school. We wouldn't have been much better off after paying nursery fees if I'd gone back full time.

BigFatLiar · 29/10/2021 08:36

I don't know why she's asking MumsNet its's a discussion she is having with her OH and I doubt he'll be persuaded by MN says I should stay at home.

For what its worth I went back to work fairly quickly after the girls were born, career to build. Looking back I think given the time again I'd have stayed with them for a couple of years at least. We'd have coped somehow.

BettyCarver · 29/10/2021 08:44

And of course it's also worth pointing out that whatever you decide, it doesn't mean that a different choice would have been disastrous. There are many possible arrangements and it's perfectly possible that more than one of them would work well for your family.

I always worked, but no doubt if I hadn't, my kids would still have grown into the lovely adults they are today.

TractorAndHeadphones · 29/10/2021 08:48

@LolaSmiles

People keep saying it's not fair to expect the husband to be the sole earner. But OP doesn't want to go back to work. Why is his opinion better /more valid than hers?They can afford for her to be at home but I know on MN any woman who doesn't work is seen as lazy,/strange/sponging off her husband.

It's nothing about bring lazy or sponging.
Hmm

As countless people have said, if a couple decides they want a SAHP/breadwinner set up and everyone is on board then great.

Not everyone wants to be a breadwinner and take sole responsibility for household finances.
Not everyone wants their daily lifestyle to financially tight in order for one person to stay at home.
Nobody gets to decide they don't want to work, that they don't mind a change in lifestyle and tight finances, and that their partner has to suck it up and be the breadwinner.

People are wilfully misunderstanding you @LolaSmiles. Or they’re very sensitive about being SAHM and leaping to the defence (despite it mostly being WOHP bashed on this site.)

Nobody can predict how they’ll feel after birth but surely they should know their DH stand? Neither I nor DP want to be the sole breadwinners and we agree that at the very least one of us would go back part-time. Plus all the money we both bring in will benefit our child.
You can scrimp and save in your shopping and what have you but mmany life enhancing things are expensive, like extracurriculars. Music, dance, theatre, sport. My kid is going to benefit more from having access to these than having me at home.

Of course when the kids are little it’s different from school age but it’s easier to work up to full time when you’ve kept your hand in rather than dropping out of the workforce completely.

LolaSmiles · 29/10/2021 09:04

TractorAndHeadphones
It is definitely willful misunderstanding.

Life circumstances might change, but there's usually a discussion before settling down, before having children and during pregnancy about how life will work once the baby is here. Making the decision to want to be a SAHP after baby has arrived is a big decision and one that both people need to be on board with.

The idea that someone is entitled to get half way through maternity leave, decide they're staying at home, make a decision that their family and partner's lifestyle needs to change, that their partner is now fully responsible for finances and the partner has to suck it up because the childhood years are so precious is such an awful attitude.

BettyCarver · 29/10/2021 09:19

@LolaSmiles I wonder if those posters who sideline their dh and believe it's a mum's automatic right to give up work are the same ones appearing on threads a few years down the line complaining that:

  • dh doesn't pull his weight at home
  • I can't get a job because dh works long hours/ travels/ thinks his job is too important
  • my pension is shot to pieces
LittleBearPad · 29/10/2021 10:23

[quote BettyCarver]@LolaSmiles I wonder if those posters who sideline their dh and believe it's a mum's automatic right to give up work are the same ones appearing on threads a few years down the line complaining that:

  • dh doesn't pull his weight at home
  • I can't get a job because dh works long hours/ travels/ thinks his job is too important
  • my pension is shot to pieces
[/quote] I think there are a lot of women who drift into SAHMing who do that.

It does need to be an active decision and it needs both parents on board.

AudacityBaby · 29/10/2021 10:47

Striking similarity between the attitudes of some on here (I have the right to impose this working arrangement on my husband because it's in the child's best interests) and the thread of yesterday on changing rooms (I have the right to impose my child on spaces that aren't for him because it's in the child's best interests).

I don't often say this but there's a lot of Golden Uterus Syndrome going around at the moment.

chocolatecerealcampingbrekkie · 29/10/2021 11:01

You should talk to him about it. It's likely all your salary will just go to childcare fees anyway.

BettyCarver · 29/10/2021 11:06

@AudacityBaby very true.

Barbie222 · 29/10/2021 11:17

Is there anyone else who finds it slightly weird that there are so many DHs who seem so happy for their partners to stay at home long term and not have a career plan? In real life the only people I know who were happy with this kind of arrangement were a bit controlling, liked the fact that they had all the financial cards, and really liked to have the upper hand in a relationship.

lousanne · 29/10/2021 11:21

@chocolatecerealcampingbrekkie

You should talk to him about it. It's likely all your salary will just go to childcare fees anyway.
But if you continue working then you progress in your career and eventually earn more!

Also when the kid goes to school it might be hard get into the job market after such a gap.

Teenagers want fun stuff to do all the time and again it costs money. If you hold onto your job then you've got income to provide this, and you've kept your employment so don't need to start looking for jobs after a gap of not working.

Money is not an issue for OP but I am responding to the usual 'but salary will go on childcare so no point working' crusade

Granj · 29/10/2021 11:31

I picked up your thread from Gransden. I was a stay at home mum and my husband worked long hours to facilitate that. It is the best decision we ever made even though our income halved. Yes we went without for a while but J wouldn't have changed those years spent with my children. You witness their first steps, words etc and yes, it's hard work and can be lonely sometimes, especially if you live miles away from family. Luckily, in my day, more mums stayed at home so we socialised with each other and on each others homes rather than going out for coffee,meals etc so it wasn't actually expensive. You could try to find some work you could do from home - something completely different that suits your interests or experience perhaps - and you have some time to set it up now. Could you be a childminder for instance or bake for people or take on a party planning sales role or something? Tupperware in my mums day, Usborne books or Avon or Pippa Dee on my day. Nowadays I think Body Shop and Neil's Yard have a similar set up.
I have two well balanced lovely children and 2 grandchildren ... and despite the belt tightening, no regrets!

Tittyfilarious81 · 29/10/2021 11:34

@Barbie222 im a sahm, I have been for 15 years and my DH is happy for me to be home as long as I want to . He's not controlling .I have full access to all our money and he sees me as the other half of the team which was agreed on before we had our children .

BettyCarver · 29/10/2021 11:34

It's also true that if you have a menial job (as opposed to a profession or career) you're more likely to think short term, and give up working if childcare is going to take a significant chunk (or all) of your wages. Whereas in a profession or career, progression, potential earning and pension are more likely to feature in your decision making. It's one of the reasons I've encouraged my dd's to aim high and think about work which is interesting, fulfilling and has a pathway to future progression, rather than just seeing work as something to pay the bills. That way, if they decide to have children, they'd be having discussions with their partner about returning to work based on really positive choices, not just defaulting to giving up work because they don't have good jobs

TractorAndHeadphones · 29/10/2021 11:36

@Barbie222

Is there anyone else who finds it slightly weird that there are so many DHs who seem so happy for their partners to stay at home long term and not have a career plan? In real life the only people I know who were happy with this kind of arrangement were a bit controlling, liked the fact that they had all the financial cards, and really liked to have the upper hand in a relationship.
I also find this weird. Also the number of DH's who suddenly, after 5 years become 'high earners'.

In real life the majority of women I know work at least part-time. This is at least 2 years after having their baby though so maybe it's different for mothers of under-2's.

Also no matter how hard they work the majority of people don't become high earners, senior management level enough to justify not doing anything to manage the household. Unless one of the pair was on NMW and the other in a very highly paid field.

Given that MN is an echo chamber however...

Cranncat · 29/10/2021 11:42

@BettyCarver

It's also true that if you have a menial job (as opposed to a profession or career) you're more likely to think short term, and give up working if childcare is going to take a significant chunk (or all) of your wages. Whereas in a profession or career, progression, potential earning and pension are more likely to feature in your decision making. It's one of the reasons I've encouraged my dd's to aim high and think about work which is interesting, fulfilling and has a pathway to future progression, rather than just seeing work as something to pay the bills. That way, if they decide to have children, they'd be having discussions with their partner about returning to work based on really positive choices, not just defaulting to giving up work because they don't have good jobs
I think that’s probably fair. I have the kind of professional job that requires a lot ofdegrees, as do most people I know, and no one of either sex is a SAHP apart from one (male) friend who’s struggled with his MH. But when I lived in a village from when I was still on maternity leave to when DS was in Year Three, women seemed to give up work as a matter of course. I was one of only three WOHMs in DS’s class, and the other two were a medic and a lawyer, whereas the other mothers appeared to have had non-professional jobs.
BettyCarver · 29/10/2021 11:42

'Unless one of the pair was on NMW and the other in a very highly paid field.*'
*
And this point is key. In real life I can't imagine many couples start off with one in a NMW job and the other on an exceptionally high salary. Especially given that many couples meet at university or through work. This is 2021, not the dark ages when girls were expected to do a typing course at age 16 as the ultimate career goal!

Most couples are likely to start off on a much more equal footing. There's a big dollop of choice about whether they remain that way after deciding to become parents.