To want to be a stay home mum?

[wanttostayathome]

So I've got about 6 months left of my maternity leave, and I already know for a fact I don't want to go back. I love being a mum and I want to take another year or two off to raise my baby before she starts school.

Financially, it would be tight and although probably doable we'd have much less disposable income. My DH thinks I should go back for the money and also to have some balance between mum life and the old me.

I however disagree. There's nothing more I want from my life than to raise my baby but I don't know how to approach this conversation with him, as I know my POV isn't the done thing and I should want to be able to juggle career and family.

So, AIBU?

Marykitty
We know exactly what needs doing. Nobody is suggesting you do nothing at home but frankly it’s not done the same. Having already been chastised by several MN office workers for naming domestic chores I won’t dare. But it’s a simple equation effort in = output.
If I spend more time on my domestic set up and cooking than someone who spends 10% of my time, I can pretty much guarantee the meal has far more potential to be much better and the laundry is finished, not just the bits done for tomorrow until new things need ironing tomorrow night…..And, guess what, I even have leisure time!
But keep running on those hamster wheels ladies. I’m done here. I can literally hear those wheels squeaky spins….,,,

@Kokeshi123 bloody brilliant reply. This sums it up. I would be in some kind of asylum if I had stayed at home looking after toddler(s) full time. And I’d feel massively unfulfilled.

@Starlight86

Can you go part time as a compromise?

Ultimately i think its lovely to be able to stay at home and if you can do so then go for it!

Part-time was my first thought, as well. And after a long, long lifetime of learning to translate "manspeak," I'd say that your husband is missing the "old you" a bit...the one who was always free to do things with (and in some cases, for) him. He doesn't quite get yet that that time is no more, and won't come back for about 20 years. But if you can go back part-time, make an effort to carve out a bit of time just for DH. You'll both be happier for it in the long run.

@Anotherlongroad obviously had a dead boring job squeaky hamster wheel job before trading it in for the relative excitement of washing the dishes and doing the laundry. Her posts are such a giveaway.

@Anotherlongroad

Marykitty We know exactly what needs doing. Nobody is suggesting you do nothing at home but frankly it’s not done the same. Having already been chastised by several MN office workers for naming domestic chores I won’t dare. But it’s a simple equation effort in = output. If I spend more time on my domestic set up and cooking than someone who spends 10% of my time, I can pretty much guarantee the meal has far more potential to be much better and the laundry is finished, not just the bits done for tomorrow until new things need ironing tomorrow night…..And, guess what, I even have leisure time! But keep running on those hamster wheels ladies. I’m done here. I can literally hear those wheels squeaky spins….,,,

So in the end you show your true colours as a spiteful SAHM, something pp noted from the beginning.

It doesn't take 8 hours a day to cook and clean for a household. In fact with 2 partners doing their fair share (and old enough kids who can be counted on for even minimal chores) most chores can be done in 1/2 hours a day after work 🤷🏾‍♀️.

Things to consider:

1. Returning to work childcare options.
2. Part-time hours or full-time hours divided differently over the week to allow you and your partner more time with your daughter and less childcare needed.
3. Whatever you do won’t last forever, the financial implications will be relatively short term until daughter is in school.
4. Childcare means your daughter has potential to pick up more illness which is great for the immune system however both you and your oh need to be prepared for which of you will be the one to respond to needing to take time off to look after her or how you will split this.
5. Staying at home when kids are little means you don’t have to worry about no.4 nor worry about whether a child is well/recovered enough to send to childcare.
6. Staying at home means you get to spend so much time with your child so you need to weigh up whether you would relish this most of the time or gradually miss the adult connection. That’s your personal choice.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Yes Scotland32! 100%. That’s why I sent my kids to boarding school and I’m free as a bird as a very part time stay at home mum and full time wife. Time for fulfilment after years of clearing up biro messes and animal feeding time at my kitchen table. The home cooked casseroles are stupendous, the DH is happily knackered as he’s getting more action than he did in years and the ironing like is dealt with by someone else.

@Anotherlongroad

I think you have misinterpreted lolasmiles point- she is stating that she believes significant changes to your lives- such as one partner giving up work to be a SAHP with all the financial implications of that, and the effect it has of making your partner the sole breadwinner- should be a joint decision and not a unilateral one, in a respectful relationship. And that you should not use manipulation or emotional blackmail to get what you want. And that she, lolasmiles, would view any partner of who did such a thing- unilateral decision making over a serious matter such as this and then attempted to manipulate or “guilt tripping their partner into accepting that- as someone who was deceitful and entitled. She was not saying men could/would/have done such a thing. She is stating that any partner who attempts such behaviour is deceitful and entitled and she would not tolerate her partner doing that- if they attempted that they she would end the marriage. I think she is also implying that this piosition would be the same, regardless of whether the partner in question was male or female.

It’s not unreasonable for OP to want to be SAHM and to ask her partner to consider this proposal. And it’s lovely for you that you and your husband were able to come a mutually agreeable position that you would be a SAHM. It’s great that this has worked out well for your family. BUT it’s not really the point. The point is not whether being a SAHM is easy or hard, or easier or harder than being a working parent. It’s not about whether you do or do not enjoy it, or whether it worked out well for you and every other SAHP in the country.. All of that is utterly irrelevant because the argument isn’t about whether being a SAHP is a good or bad thing- I think there are pluses and minuses and it’s up to partnership as though what works for them. Note the THEM. Not what works for only one of them.

OP wants to give up work, with the implications of that and those implications impact on her husband financially and in other ways. He is allowed an opinion on all of the aspects impacted by this: financial; distribution of the domestic burden; and the way their children are brought up/childcare.. It’s not just about what OP wants, or indeed only about what her partner wants, because they are meant to be in a partnership- both of their wants and needs have to be taken into account. Sure, OP cannot be forced to go back to work. But making unilateral decisions on a matter like this could end up damaging her relationship or even causing the end of her marriage. Just as it might if her husband dismissed it and refused to even discuss it. In a mutually respectful relationship one generally doesn’t act unilaterally on important matters.

@Anotherlongroad

Marykitty We know exactly what needs doing. Nobody is suggesting you do nothing at home but frankly it’s not done the same. Having already been chastised by several MN office workers for naming domestic chores I won’t dare. But it’s a simple equation effort in = output. If I spend more time on my domestic set up and cooking than someone who spends 10% of my time, I can pretty much guarantee the meal has far more potential to be much better and the laundry is finished, not just the bits done for tomorrow until new things need ironing tomorrow night…..And, guess what, I even have leisure time! But keep running on those hamster wheels ladies. I’m done here. I can literally hear those wheels squeaky spins….,,,

effort doesn’t equal output. Someone who gets the same done in an hour is more efficient than someone who needs 10 hours.

Also remember in business - oitsource auxiliary functions

jacks11 I know all that. I’m not stupid. This is an Internet forum where people share experiences and my experience was like “hey, I like it”. Simple. No diagnostic needed of the ins and outs. Just, yeah, it’s good for us because if x, y, z which you might not have considered. Yes I do understand as a fully formed human being that all our circumstances are different but I expect the OP as another fully formed human being will take what she wants to take and leave the rest. Or all of it if she likes.
Women are so bloody complicated. I understand men far more. Is there such a thing as DadNet??

TractorAndHeadphones
I do “oitsource” auxiliary functions.
Effort here pays great dividends as it’s practised and efficient ;)

There is absolutely nothing wrong in wanting to be a SAHM!! If this makes you happy and your partner is happy with it too and you can afford to do it why not? I was a SAHM mostly although I did have some part time employment outside of my partners working hours, not a career, just work. I never wanted to have my babies in childcare full time or in wrap around care permanently, that was our choice and we have never regretted it although obviously we had to make sacrifices and things were tough for a while, but the children never went without and were always well fed and clothed and no my partner wasn't on a huge salary. Parents make their own choices about working or not

Agree with newmumatlast. It doesn’t need to be set in stone and starting to save now and plan for a period of SAHP would be much less risky than just not going back after mat leave.

The riskier the action, the more thought and planning and agreement should go into it. No doubt sahp can have many great benefits; but it’s also risky (wohp being made redundant, becoming sick, splitting up) and also pension and budget implications in the long term.

If these things are addressed - eg financial planning, saving - then go for it (and hopefully in the future, if OP and DH get to a comfortable position/plan - then maybe she can do this).

@Anotherlongroad

LittleBearPad Does your DP do all this? You don’t need to lift a finger? Wow! It’s normal then? Great. You’ve found the Holy Grail. Please share…..

Your posts are really quite odd.

Women are so bloody complicated. I understand men far more. Is there such a thing as DadNet??

Except you, of course. You’re not ‘bloody complicated’. It’s just other silly women, with their opinions.

I agree with pp, your partner needs to be on board.

He can't make you stay in your job (you can always move jobs if you hate it right?) but he can say he's not willing to be the sole earner and that's reasonable. It's hard to give up half your income and to feel trapped in your job / worried about losing your job and the family having no money.

It might be worth a discussion to see how much he is expecting/ willing to support with childcare (sick days, drop off and pick up, finding it in the first place). No reason that's just your responsibility if you are both working.

I am a sahm and have mostly enjoyed it (though i am about to go back to work) but DH was always 100% on board with it (even before we decided to have kids) and if that hadn't been true I think it would have been a big strain on the relationship. We also were lucky that DH got a big pay rise just as I stopped work so we didn't really feel the financial hit.

Name changed.... My H is a multimillionaire in double digits, we both still work.
Thing is we fell in love with each other as we are: he said he found me pretty, kind, with a matched sense of humour to him, and a successful career. This reinforced what I've seen people say here on mumsnet: successful men want women similar to them; a lawyer would usually marry a lawyer, a doctor would marry a fellow doctor - not a receptionist.

I'm in no way as successful as him but I have a great job in tech. No, I would not be able to have the life I have if we split but I would be able to have a good life on my wage.

I'm not going to quit my job and read cosmopolitan all day, pile on the weight and start getting involved with gossip.

My career is a part of me and my identity, it helps me to I continue to be an interesting person who can hold an intellectual conversation during dinners. I'm sure people who don't work can have intellectual conversations, but in my experience I struggle to maintain the level of confidence and knowledge that I have, when I'm not working and stimulating my mind.

Can you go part time? Study? I really would advice not to quit and do nothing.

I'm not going to quit my job and read cosmopolitan all day, pile on the weight and start getting involved with gossip

Eek. I work full time in a well paid job because I’m educated to post-grad level, enjoy working and get fulfilment from it. I work because I want to, and it suppleness DH’s even better salary.

But wow. How to discredit yourself, and undermine all your good points, in one fell swoop.

*Supplements

Hopefully your employer will agree to PT work.

Does your DH do his fair share around the home?

It's be unfair to you to end up doing everything at home plus working outside the home while he does his one job and nothing else.

@Kokeshi123 are you a stay-at-home mum? Interesting to read your perspective.

No, but I had a couple of short spells of doing this due to not being able to get childcare for a while (I live in the country where you often have to wait for a space). I ended up paying a babysitter by the hour for a couple of days a week and asking MIL to help out a bit too. It was hard to find work that fitted in with those hours, so I probably made zero profit for about six months. But at least I was happy and my clients didn't forget I existed. I now have a daycare place, thank goodness! Love my daycare.

I actually do love toddlers and think they are funny and adorable. But being alone with one all day every day on a budget of zero gets very hard. You know how people often fall out with each other when they are thrown together in each others' company 24/7 (holidays, Xmas)? At the end of the day, the parent-child relationship is a human relationship. For me, it works better if we both have a mixture of things going on in our lives.

It is great being a stay at home Mum. You miss so much of a child's early years, if they are taken elsewhere to be looked after by others.

jacks11 They were willfully misunderstanding. For some reason they seem to find it awfully difficult to realise that nobody has the right to force their partner to be a breadwinner and that manipulation and guilt tripping has no place in a relationship.
Their posts have been full of little bait about how people apparently don't like SAHMs too. Clueless or goady is a matter of opinion.
By the time you get to this gem:
Women are so bloody complicated. I understand men far more. Is there such a thing as DadNet??
It's laughable. This poster isn't like the other girls.

@LoveGrooveDanceParty how did I "discredit" myself? 😀 I wasn't posting for honour or glory. I posted my views as per OP's ask, and I am not expecting a single person to share my views, or to agree with me.

From personal experience I’d recommend returning to work. The longer you stay at home the harder it becomes. I’ve just returned to work last month following an 11.5 year maternity leave 🙄 I’m lucky to be self employed and have flexibility but if you can return part time do it.