To want to be a stay home mum?

[wanttostayathome]

So I've got about 6 months left of my maternity leave, and I already know for a fact I don't want to go back. I love being a mum and I want to take another year or two off to raise my baby before she starts school.

Financially, it would be tight and although probably doable we'd have much less disposable income. My DH thinks I should go back for the money and also to have some balance between mum life and the old me.

I however disagree. There's nothing more I want from my life than to raise my baby but I don't know how to approach this conversation with him, as I know my POV isn't the done thing and I should want to be able to juggle career and family.

So, AIBU?

No BettyCarver - I am not criticising at all. You must be a bit younger and flakier than me and clearly take offence when I’ve repeatedly said I’m not offending working mums. I’m saying people shouldn’t be so judgemental and to be fair not everyone gets to make this choice. But it’s a great choice. And working mums should slate us for our choice. I couldn’t give a monkeys what you do, but I’m just saying that this is a viable choice. It won’t shrink your brain of anything like that. I’ve done courses, kept active and sociable and I’m really happy with how it turned out. Sorry!!

@Anotherlongroad

It’s interesting that everyone says being a SAHM has to be a joint decision, ignoring that OPs view is that she really wants to be a SAHM and clearly she would be compromising by going back to work! I’m not going to reference any arguments here, but I am 100% a SAHM. I love it. My husband was able to invest in his career which means we have a better financial position than if we both worked and had to run home to share childcare. I do get A LOT of criticism from pretty much every other mother on the planet, but I’m very happy, my kids are happy, my husband is especially happy. It works for us and I have no regrets as I know the benefits to my kids have been huge. I can’t articulate on here exactly how it works day to day without the huge MN slating (which I can’t be ars*d with) but I feel extremely grateful that my husband and I were on the same page with this decision. Its important to say that we went through the early days with financial struggles and made sacrifices. It’s definitely not always been easy but we came through it together as a team. I’d only say that you need to not care what other people think as the majority of women will say that you’ve sacrificed yourself, you’ve made the wrong decision etc etc. Only you know. If you change your mind later, there will always be opportunities to work. Your kids will grow up fast - they don’t stay bottled as little people and you don’t get to wait until a later date to be a mum. That said, even as teenagers, they need you. It’s different but they definitely need you! Good luck and I hope you find your happy mum place xx

You say It’s interesting that everyone says being a SAHM has to be a joint decision, ignoring that OPs view is that she really wants to be a SAHM and clearly she would be compromising by going back to work!

I think that's because it actually is a joint decision, not that OP is being ignored in her choice. What if the other parent also wanted to stay at home. Or didnt but also didnt want the responsibility of sole earner. Do both parents then quit and rely on the state? And if everyone did that? Above all it is simply respectful in a partnership to make joint decisions. And to be fair conversations on this should take place before having kids at all - though I appreciate not everything can be planned.

You also say you can't just wait until a later date to be a mum. Oddly I considered myself to be a mum when I gave birth (and am sure those mums who don't give birth would also consider themselves mums when they first meet their child). I don't think because I'm not a SAHM I am somehow waiting until a later date to be a mum. How bizarre. You can work and also spend good quality time with your child and have a great attachment just as much as you can be a SAHM and spend alot of time but without the quality and have a poor attachment. It isn't a quantity thing. You can have fantastic SAHM and fantastic working mums and vice versa. It's excellent that your choices work for you and your family. Ours work for us. And things change. If I or my husband decide one of us needs to be home more or entirely layer down the line that decision can be made then. Just as a SAHP might decide at some point to return to work. It isn't a rigid thing.

@BornAgainCountryBumpkin1 now that just goes to show we're all different- I loved the toddler stage, when they're interacting more, gabbling away and wanting to be involved in everything! Don't get me wrong, Newborns are cute but nothing beats seeing their little personalities develop. Each stage of childhood brings something new wonders.

I don’t know how much annual leave you started your mat leave with, or how much you accrued / will accrue during your mat leave but I basically returned to work with so much annual leave (and then 4 months later got another 30 days) that I was able to take a regular day or 1.5 days off per week long term, as well as enough to take the odd holiday. So I am being paid full time but effectively working part time - and the compromise is great. I love my days off with DD as they still feel like a treat, but I equally enjoy my adult working days and uninterrupted computer time.

@Anotherlongroad

You are definitely driving the ‘precious memories’ bandwagon into town though.

No one has said your brain is rotting, or doubted your intelligence, or that you and your family are happy and your choice suits you.

What all the horrible WOHM mums are telling you is that
A) working outside the home does not make you less of a parent
B) to enable the SAHP lifestyle choice it requires one half of the couple to become financially dependent on the other- which the OP’s DH is not on board with- and which can come with its own implications

Newmumatlast

And your point was…,??

Who said I was financially dependent upon my husband?

@Anotherlongroad

Newmumatlast

And your point was…,??

Engaging response ;)

Newmumatlast

;)

@Newmumatlast

Agreed…
The default position in most partnerships prior to Baby no 1 is that both partners work…a conversation about deviating from that should be happening before the babies come into the picture. It isn’t anyone’s ‘right’ to exit the workplace and be financially supported by their partner, regardless of how honourable the reasons may be for doing so.
Different things work at different times for different couples as you say.
‘Oh you’re missing out on precious memories I’m a full time mummy crew’ are just as bad as the ‘Aren’t you bored, oh you’re lazy/stupid’ crew.

To be honest Anotherlongroad your personal circumstances and how great they are for you isn't actually that relevant to the OP.

Somehow you've managed to take a thread where people are advising the OP on the OP's situation and turn it into the all about your life circumstances with a healthy dose of why people must have an issue with SAHM/you as a SAHP.

What are you trying to achieve here?

Who said I was financially dependent upon my husband?

It's a fair assumption. Most people who become SAHP are.

If you're independently wealthy and funding your share of family finances via personal investments or whatever, then that is a slightly different situation. Wealthy people have a lot more choices open to them, who knew?

Go for it! No I don’t think it’s really a joint decision if I’m honest. Being a team is about some respect for decisions that although better mutually agreed, aren’t up to ‘veto’ either.

If your DH didn’t want to work anymore then you couldn’t veto that choice. Obviously you’d both be a bit screwed financially. If he wanted you to be a SAHM and you wanted to work, then no one on this thread would be saying that you should defer to his choice, would they?

You have been the sole carer and want to carry on being one. So do it! Obviously persuade him of your POV, but really the buck stops with you, if you want to do it, do it. You can never get those years back with your kids, and it’s absolutely of value to do this, I’d say above money, that bonding time.

I say this as someone who had to take on the financial burden for both me and DH when I was early parenting, I was the higher earner, he didn’t really support me even during maternity leave when my salary wasn’t full whack so I felt I had no option but to go back to work. If I had my time again no way would I do that, I’d leave and be a SAHM if necessary but I would do it.

Bothyboo I love how women champion each other! Yes, there is no ‘right’ to exit the workplace but if you can afford to it’s a choice. My husband I made this choice together when we were not in a high earning position as we felt it made sense. We didn’t feel it made sense to pay someone to look after our kid or clean our house. We had less cash for a few years but then it changed suddenly as my DH had been able to invest his time in his work and we made some big life choices that freed us up financially. We couldn’t have made those choices if I was tied to a job…..

You have been the sole carer and want to carry on being one. So do it! Obviously persuade him of your POV, but really the buck stops with you, if you want to do it, do it. You can never get those years back with your kids, and it’s absolutely of value to do this, I’d say above money, that bonding time
If my DH quit work, told me he was staying home and tried to guilt trip me into accepting his position because it's what he wants, I'd be planning a way to exit the marriage as soon as possible. I wouldn't want to be married to someone so deceitful and entitled.

'Younger and flakier' haha! I doubt it; I'm in my 50s and part retired, having raised my 3 children into healthy, well adjusted, happy adults, alongside maintaining my own successful career. Now I bet that really pisses off that poster!

OP, firstly you sound lovely.

It is a shame that your DH is not on board with you wanting to be at home, i know that "need" to be home with them.

But if its not discussed prior to having the kid, its a big responsibility for someone to take on if they don't want to.

I think maybe have a look around at other part time roles you could maybe jump into and see if something might work out that way where you can have more time at home with DC.

Good luck and dont let it take over the time you have at home now with your DC, enjoy it.

[quote Bothyboo]@Newmumatlast

Agreed…
The default position in most partnerships prior to Baby no 1 is that both partners work…a conversation about deviating from that should be happening before the babies come into the picture. It isn’t anyone’s ‘right’ to exit the workplace and be financially supported by their partner, regardless of how honourable the reasons may be for doing so.
Different things work at different times for different couples as you say.
‘Oh you’re missing out on precious memories I’m a full time mummy crew’ are just as bad as the ‘Aren’t you bored, oh you’re lazy/stupid’ crew.[/quote]
Agree. I know plenty of wonderful SAHM and also working mums - part time to full time. The one thing I would reiterate which is hopefully helpful to OP is not necessarily having a fixed approach and to keep options open as it may be that further down the line it is better for adjustments to be made and building capital now could help facilitate that. Though the horse might've bolted somewhat, at least now having that discussion with her partner as to their joint thoughts on what would likely work best for them in different scenarios which may occur and they may need to adapt to might help.

For us, I am main earner and self employed so I needed to return to work. It wouldve made a huge difference financially if I had dictated that I was going to stay at home and for me I wouldnt have been happy - and an unhappy parent isn't going to help things, I felt. We agreed to share parental leave so I took 4 months and my husband 4 months. However after that, having recovered financially from maternity somewhat, I dropped a day to 4 days so I could have more balance spending time with my daughter particularly because sometimes I have to work away. Being self employed I can balance this with alot of WFH so I can do drop offs and pick ups aswell as changing days around where needed if possible. That was all fine when my daughter was very young but now I have started to take off time before and after work trips to focus on my daughter to balance me being away which, for her as an individual, seems to really help. Appreciate not everyone can but for us it works best financially this way and I am able to build some capital as we have spoken about how at some point my husband might need to go part time or become a SAHP if it would be in our daughter's interests and I will also review the amount I work as we progress depending on her needs. All children are different. If she gets to primary school and needs more of me then I will have to prioritise that while of course ensuring our bills are still covered between us. But all of this will be decided with discussion between us as to what works the best for our family. It is quite an individual thing and needs focused. So of course other families will do things differently. That's why discussion about it is helpful within a partnership.

LolaSmiles - deceitful and entitled? What do you think your DH would be doing with his time? I would bloomin well hope he looked after the domestic side, cooked all meals, did the shopping, managed the bills, did the washing, ironing, tidying etc so you wouldn’t have to and all other household admin. The list is long but surely if you didn’t have to do anything when you return from work, I reckon that would be a win for you?? Surely he’d be a superhero - not entitled?!

LolaSmiles - deceitful and entitled? What do you think your DH would be doing with his time? I would bloomin well hope he looked after the domestic side, cooked all meals, did the shopping, managed the bills, did the washing, ironing, tidying etc so you wouldn’t have to and all other household admin. The list is long but surely if you didn’t have to do anything when you return from work, I reckon that would be a win for you?? Surely he’d be a superhero - not entitled?!

It would absolutely be deceitful and entitled if he decided that he was giving up work, and that I had to suck it up because he's decided I'm now a breadwinner. That's not how decisions are made in respectful relationships.

Why are you bringing it back to what some SAHP do during the day? It's irrelevant.

No man is deciding that because they'd rather do house stuff that I have to take on the sole financial responsibility for the household. If he started with the manipulation and the guilt trips to keep pushing then that's entitled and wrong.

I'd certainly not be branding a man who unilaterally told me he was staying home as some sort of superhero. 🤮

@Anotherlongroad

LolaSmiles - deceitful and entitled? What do you think your DH would be doing with his time? I would bloomin well hope he looked after the domestic side, cooked all meals, did the shopping, managed the bills, did the washing, ironing, tidying etc so you wouldn’t have to and all other household admin. The list is long but surely if you didn’t have to do anything when you return from work, I reckon that would be a win for you?? Surely he’d be a superhero - not entitled?!

A superhero - really? Really!!

You tell yourself that love

Lolasmiles I’m not going to reread but I think I must have missed something. I don’t know any men who ever made this choice, nor forced it upon their partner with manipulation. That’s why I say superhero- it’s fiction! It wouldn’t happen if it was a man! If however it’s a thinly veiled criticism of me and my type - well my husband I decided jointly and he is as happy with it as me. It works for us.

Sometimes I have the feeling SAHM thinks that working mums do not have to do a single thing at home? Like, our food is magically appearing on our table? Bills are self paid and bathroom self cleaned?

LittleBearPad
Does your DP do all this? You don’t need to lift a finger? Wow! It’s normal then? Great. You’ve found the Holy Grail. Please share…..

Lolasmiles I’m not going to reread but I think I must have missed something. I don’t know any men who ever made this choice, nor forced it upon their partner with manipulation. That’s why I say superhero- it’s fiction! It wouldn’t happen if it was a man!
The point was that all the posters saying the OP should just make a decision and it's not a joint decision are totally unreasonable.
If my husband did what some posters on this thread are suggesting, it would be rightly criticised and I'd be leaving the marriage.

Unfortunately there are some women out there who seem to think that once they've had a kid, they get to decide they are staying home and their partners have to suck it up.

If however it’s a thinly veiled criticism of me and my type - well my husband I decided jointly and he is as happy with it as me. It works for us.
Yawn. Back on it with the why people hate SAHP arguments again are we?

Let me spell it out to you:

1. If SAHP/WOHP set ups work for a family and everyone is happy and on board, great.
2. If one person doesn't want to have a SAHP/WOHP dynamic then they don't get to unilaterally decide what is happening. Nobody gets to demand someone gives up their job/becomes the sole earner for a family.
3. Guilt tripping and manipulation to get the desired outcome are not appropriate in respectful relationships
4. How great yours and your husbands life is is utterly irrelevant to the OP as her situation is totally different to yours.