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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to be a stay home mum?

999 replies

wanttostayathome · 27/10/2021 15:09

So I've got about 6 months left of my maternity leave, and I already know for a fact I don't want to go back. I love being a mum and I want to take another year or two off to raise my baby before she starts school.

Financially, it would be tight and although probably doable we'd have much less disposable income. My DH thinks I should go back for the money and also to have some balance between mum life and the old me.

I however disagree. There's nothing more I want from my life than to raise my baby but I don't know how to approach this conversation with him, as I know my POV isn't the done thing and I should want to be able to juggle career and family.

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
RobinPenguins · 28/10/2021 21:14

@Mistyplanet

Its been proven that the first 3 years or so of a childs life is crucial to their success in later life. So a strong attachment with their primary parent is essential. there's lots of reaearch on it. Therefore if you can afford not to work at this stage and focus on your childs relationships and development i think this will be very beneficial in the long run.
A strong attachment to the primary parent is essential. The idea a child doesn’t develop a strong attachment to their primary parent because they go to nursery or a childminder for some of the time is nonsense.
CurlsandCurves · 28/10/2021 21:14

Have you used any Keeping in Touch days yet?

If not it might be a good idea. It’ll help you see how you feel about heading back to work.

anwensmummy · 28/10/2021 21:15

Is there something you can do self employed on a part time freelance basis? I’m freelance and also a stay at home mum, I’m able to do both and it’s been brilliant! My daughter is three and a half and has recently started going to a school based nursery part time, she does four afternoons a week and we have one day at home together, I usually work on Saturdays and do some other work while she is at nursery. I really love the fact that we have been able to have this time together before she starts school next year, but also I’ve been able to do some work too. Easier said than done of course as it depends on the line of work you’re in, and going freelance isn’t possible for everyone. Wish you luck whatever you decide!

Rosebel · 28/10/2021 21:16

[quote BunNcheese]@Rosebel surely you can find a job that you like. You cannot expect your DH to fund you and your child so you can live a fairy tale. If you didn't have a child or the days before becoming a mother how did you cope with working? Most people work from the age of 16. Have you never liked working?[/quote]
Yes I have worked since I was 18 and in the most part I have actually enjoyed working but then I didn't have something better at home then.
I don't want to leave my husband but I do feel sad that he doesn't see my point of view. I'm obviously being completely unreasonable to want to stay home with my baby though so I guess he's right.
I have applied for a couple of jobs but my heart isn't really in it.

BunNcheese · 28/10/2021 21:26

@Rosebel I guess your not unreasonable if you really enjoy being a SAHM. It's not practical though and it depends on your out goings and if you want more children in the future. Think of all the things you can do with your baby with the money you would earn returning to work. I'm not sure how old your baby is but I definitely agree with some others that going to work is like having a break.

Anotherlongroad · 28/10/2021 21:32

It’s interesting that everyone says being a SAHM has to be a joint decision, ignoring that OPs view is that she really wants to be a SAHM and clearly she would be compromising by going back to work!
I’m not going to reference any arguments here, but I am 100% a SAHM. I love it. My husband was able to invest in his career which means we have a better financial position than if we both worked and had to run home to share childcare. I do get A LOT of criticism from pretty much every other mother on the planet, but I’m very happy, my kids are happy, my husband is especially happy. It works for us and I have no regrets as I know the benefits to my kids have been huge. I can’t articulate on here exactly how it works day to day without the huge MN slating (which I can’t be ars*d with) but I feel extremely grateful that my husband and I were on the same page with this decision.
Its important to say that we went through the early days with financial struggles and made sacrifices. It’s definitely not always been easy but we came through it together as a team. I’d only say that you need to not care what other people think as the majority of women will say that you’ve sacrificed yourself, you’ve made the wrong decision etc etc. Only you know. If you change your mind later, there will always be opportunities to work. Your kids will grow up fast - they don’t stay bottled as little people and you don’t get to wait until a later date to be a mum. That said, even as teenagers, they need you. It’s different but they definitely need you!
Good luck and I hope you find your happy mum place xx

Bertiebiscuit · 28/10/2021 21:35

Tbh I can't understand it, can think of nothing worse, but you should be able to make this choice YANBU

MichelleScarn · 28/10/2021 21:55

interesting that everyone says being a SAHM has to be a joint decision, ignoring that OPs view is that she really wants to be a SAHM and clearly she would be compromising by going back to work!

Of course it's a joint decision! So what if the dh says "well I'll stay at home too then"?

Sheerdetermination · 28/10/2021 21:58

@Kokeshi123 are you a stay-at-home mum? Interesting to read your perspective.
OP, your DH needs to listen to how you feel. You might resent even compromising

Anotherlongroad · 28/10/2021 22:01

Bertiebiscuit - definitely not a criticism at all, but why is it the worst thing imaginable to you? I’m my own boss, I chose when and how long my lunch break is, I have the flexibility to go for a run if I really don’t want to do the ironing, I can chose to see people if I want or gave a quiet day if I feel less sociable, I can organise my tasks any way I like and If I don’t do something (except feed the kids), it doesn’t matter! I don’t get a pay review or a sit down with a boss who tells me how great I’m doing, but I know that from my kids’ happiness. If I feel unwell, nobody gives me crap for having a quiet day but equally, I understand that nobody champions the big achievements as that’s the reality of being a mum and you need to have the confidence to know you did well without the external affirmation. It’s great and I think loads of mums are missing out!

Anotherlongroad · 28/10/2021 22:05

MichelleScarn - I’m sure he could ask for this too, but I doubt he would. Being a SAHP is undervalued and I think the number of couples who both want this would be in the minority. But yes, fair point and well made. But she didn’t say he wants to do this…..

LolaSmiles · 28/10/2021 22:08

interesting that everyone says being a SAHM has to be a joint decision, ignoring that OPs view is that she really wants to be a SAHM and clearly she would be compromising by going back to work!
Of course it's joint decision. Nobody has the right to compel another adult to financially provide for them for an indefinite period of time. It's not a right to stay home once you've popped a kid out, and expect your partner to suck it up.

It's great that being a SAHP works for you and your family, but that's irrelevant to a situation where one person in the relationship does not want to be the only earning member of the family and to put the family in a situation where they're responsible for tight finances.

Anotherlongroad · 28/10/2021 22:14

Lolasmiles - tbh we discussed this before I popped out any small people! I wouldn’t have done so without agreeing first. Also, my husband is very proud to be the breadwinner and loves being able to look after us. It’s not a chore - it’s a measure of his success.

BettyCarver · 28/10/2021 22:16

@Anotherlongroad I was quite enjoying your post until you suggested that loads of mums might be missing out. Did you think WOHM don't get to see their children's happiness, or don't get affirmation from all sorts of other aspects of life, as well as affirmation from their work life? Wow! Hmm

Tittyfilarious81 · 28/10/2021 22:22

@Anotherlongroad . I did the same absolutely love it

Anotherlongroad · 28/10/2021 22:23

BettyCarver absolutely not. This is why I originally said I’m not getting into the arguments about this as I feel everything SAHMs say is thrown back. Of course working mums enjoy their kids but you also miss things! If you miss the first words cos you’re in a meeting of the first steps cos you’re at a conference- you miss it! Also, because I have that much more time there’s no pressure on my kids to talk in a limited time frame. It’s all very relaxed and other mums tell me it’s amazing how much my kids tell me. It’s not cos I’m a better communicator or anything, I just have more time so I pick up a bit more stuff. I totally respect person who chooses to go to the office but I’m blowing the trumpet for SAHm’s as it is great and there are huge benefits when you work them out!!

BornAgainCountryBumpkin1 · 28/10/2021 22:25

Everyone feels differently about leaving their child. I went back at 6 months for kit days then 8 months part time. Still doing it at 2.5 years. It's my time to be back at being me in a job I have worked on for the best part of 2 decades & I am contributing financially to the house. I cover child care, bills & any of DDs expenses. He then covers the mortgage (would be near on impossible to cover this & everything else with modern mortgage payments) & any house repairs (fixer upper)
I would be very uncomfortable asking my DP for money for everyday things & DD is flourishing in nursery.
I would love to be with her every moment of the day but I could never put all that pressure on DP as he works so hard & I have to help.

BettyCarver · 28/10/2021 22:28

@Anotherlongroad well, it wouldn't occur to me to imagine and post a whole list of stuff that SAHM might be missing out on by not working. The fact that you need to do that about WOHM says a lot about you. Just enjoy your own choice rather than attacking others!
Oh and the first time I saw my children walk was bloody fantastic thanks!

Anotherlongroad · 28/10/2021 22:29

Oh and BettyCarver - sorry - I don’t know if you misread that but I was saying that as a SAHM there’s no affirmation of success as a SAHM in the way there is with a job. You get a pay review in a job and your boss (hopefully) tells you that you’re doing well. I’m saying that nobody does this when you’re a SAHM so you need the strength of character to ride it out and know you’re doing ok. That wasn’t a criticism….

LolaSmiles · 28/10/2021 22:30

Lolasmiles - tbh we discussed this before I popped out any small people! I wouldn’t have done so without agreeing first. Also, my husband is very proud to be the breadwinner and loves being able to look after us. It’s not a chore - it’s a measure of his success.

Again so your situation is nothing like the OP's.

2 people discussing their family plans prior to having children, agreeing to have SAHP and WOHP as the arrangement and happily structuring their family life that way is not the same as one person deciding they want to be a SAHP after the baby arrives, when doing so would make finances tight, and the other parent has clearly said they do not want to be the breadwinner.

Just to be clear, you and your DH made a joint decision for you to be a SAHP, but you're the one doubting whether being a SAHP has to be a joint decision?

It seems more like you're focused on selling the benefits of being a SAHP, how great your family situation is for you, and viewing advice to the OP as criticism of SAHP, rather than realising that nobody is entitled to stay at home so it doesn't matter that thr OP might want to, if her DH doesn't wish to be a breadwinner to facilitate that then it's not an option.

BornAgainCountryBumpkin1 · 28/10/2021 22:31

@Kokeshi123

Here are instructions for being a toddler at home with mum:
  1. Chuck breakfast all over floor
  2. As mum crawls around mopping up reddy brek, toddler off and pull books off the shelves and chuck them all over the place
  3. While mum picks the books up, grab a biro from the kitchen table and start scribbling all over it
  4. As mum tries to get the biro off the kitchen table, run into the bedroom and pull the drawers open and scatter contents all over the room
  5. While mum is trying to clear up the mess in the bedroom, wander off and start exploring the cat litter tray....

etc. etc.

So you try to get out of the house to stop yourself literally losing your mind, only to discover that every thing you try (classes, lunches with other mums) to do costs money, and you made the decision to stay home based on an assumption that somehow the day to day costs of being at home would somehow be zero. And it's so depressing trying to eke out long days feeling guilty about every penny you spend.

You might want to ask what your friends are doing. If most of your mates are going back to work in the next year or so, being at home tends to be either isolating or very expensive (because you wind up shelling out for toddler classes to try to meet other families and have some structure to your day).

Toddler care is sold as fulfillment. It's mostly just housework.

I loved looking after a little baby.

Toddlers drive me up the effing wall.

Think carefully before giving up your job! What about going part-time?

Exactly. I couldn't stay home everyday.
Anotherlongroad · 28/10/2021 22:33

Wow BettyCarver if you re read carefully you’ll see I have no attitude and I am not attacking working mums. Your response is 100% standard and expected. And I’m delighted you saw the first steps xx

BettyCarver · 28/10/2021 22:34

You think loads of mums are missing out but you're not criticising - yeah right Grin

Anotherlongroad · 28/10/2021 22:35

BornAgainCountryBumpkin1
Someone must be doing it wrong.

Nobody would choose this???

Namenic · 28/10/2021 22:40

Sahp has to be a joint decision. It has a lot of implications for long term financial risk. Some of that can be mitigated by careful planning, saving, insurance - but both parties need to be on board.

OP you sound v reasonable and thoughtful. I hope you can get part-time work that will be suit family life as well as managing the financial risk.