To think my boyfriend doesn't think I'm clean?

[pinkflowerss]

This is gonna sound nuts but new boyfriend of 5 months.
He keeps buying me household items.
He bought me a cutlery set saying it looks like yours has seen better days.
Then he bought me a new pan as he said he couldn't cook "on my cheap pan"
Then last night he bought me a new duvet set and a tefal casserole dish.

Now I'm not gonna lie when I moved in I spent a lot on decorating and furniture that I skimped on pans etc

Aibu to feel a bit meh about this?

@NeverDropYourMooncup

@Alip1965 My point exactly. Think "Sleeping with the Enemy "

Be very careful OP. This is throwing up red flags.

1. Making his mark through lots of gifts and changing all of your stuff

2. belittling you/your things

3. looking like he is making moves to be your new housemate within a very short relationship time frame

Please educate yourself by looking at the Equality wheel and the Power and control wheels. If your gut tells you something isn't right or you feel you are always having to second guess yourself, get rid of him. Xx

Sounds like my ex who is hooked on shopping at tkmaxx. No bargain is resistible. He would turn up here with them. I would, for the most part, unless I liked the look of it!, politely decline.

He sounds a bit controlling tbh 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Could be generosity, could be he has ocd (I have and I could see me doing this kinda thing or rather having to rein myself in from doing so), or it could be love bombing (based on the flowers, chocs etc)

So I think you're not wrong to be wary.

Talk to him, ask him to explain his reasoning, tell him how it makes you feel. Be fairly diplomatic without being apologetic.

If you can't do this without him taking umbrage then hopefully he simply doesn't realise it's a bit weird/boundary crossing

But if he has a bad reaction and even then depends what "type" of bad then you have the full info to decide whether to cut your losses or persevere (warily)

If there's a drip feed that he's a professional/keen amateur cook SOME of it may make total sense! My cousin is a chef and eg crap knives in most peoples homes drives him nuts if he has to try and cook with them!

We are always at mine as he lives in a bed sit and he hates it.
So we stay at mine as it's "cosier" and "liveable"

Ah!

You may have a "hobosexual" on your hands - cocklodger in training!

@fumfspos snap!

Do you own? Long term tenant with an easy going landlord or social housing and so fairly secure home?

He may be angling to move in asap

He is perhaps also employing the con artist tactic of "reciprocity obligation" - when people do or SEEM To do something "nice" for us we feel obligated to reciprocate - especially women as we've been socialised that way but it can be true for men too.

An everyday example might be the people that clean your car windows and then ask for payment even though you never asked them to clean your windows!

It's also used by salespeople "you know what I'm in a good mood so if you buy x now I'll throw in y (that is cheap or they were included anyway) for free"

Right...so he COULD afford somewhere better and CHOOSES not to spend HIS money on somewhere preferable?

Red flags galore I feel!

He does all the cooking.
I offer and he insists on doing it

See again reciprocity obligation!

He has been saying how cold he's bedsit is

Yep cocklodger in waiting!

Move on op

Tell him to get a halogen heater and have a cosy winter with that!

Oh I see he's preparing the backstory for that one already.

Just what I thought!

@Reptar I'd not heard it called loan sharking before but it makes sense

I'd have a word,something like it's really thoughtful of you to notice when things are past their best but I would like to be involved in choosing or purchasing anything new for my home. From recent experience I'd say he might tend towards being a controlling person and , as someone else suggested is marking "his" territory. Hope I'm wrong and he's just a kind and generous soul but I'd still advise setting boundaries. Good luck .

If/when the friendship ends, will he ask for these items to be returned. Mmmmm?

I take it you don't see him as a long term match.

Just tell him you like him and enjoy the odd overnight fun but that's where it ends. If he's looking for a long term partner its not you as you see him as a FWB and he should move on.

@calvados

Misleading title and you don’t deserve him … be grateful

Yes, @calvados a woman should be 'grateful' to a controlling man who insults her home and furnishings. How ignorant and misogynistic can you be? Or, you're the boyfriend...

And exactly how did he insult her home and furnishings? Because a boyfriend or husband buys you new things for your home that makes him controlling and is deemed insulting? That’s an insult?! Well let’s hope you don’t get anything bought for you or you’ll be calling the police at this rate! Or you’re the .. snowflake? Think you’re the ignorant one here, stick with your namesake …. It’s safer 😉

OP, Ask yourself this: How often do you ever stay at his bedsit?

@calvados Read the OP, he called her things cheap, worse for wear. Read other people's posts as to how his behaviour is classic abuse and controlling. Wake up. Anyone who uses the word 'snowflake' shows how ignorant they truly are.

@Dillydollydingdong

No. You should be delighted. What a thoughtful man!

I'm not sure it's thoughtful. It seems rude to me!

Make sure that any gift is something that is actually a gift. If he’s upgrading your homeware and he’s planning on escaping his bedsit it’s not really a gift for you ! He is placing his reservation early and hedging his bets and investing in your (his future) home he needs to be investing in you. I say this as a woman who had to draw the line when I was bought a vegetable steamer after 2 yrs dating but living separately one Christmas and I just thought this is for cooking meals for him and yes he took me to lots of restaurants but everything was food related and it summed our relationship up it was not going beyond someone to have dinner with. Then there was the boyfriend who wanted to buy waterbeds, inflatables and dildos to jazz up our sex life. We were students and I felt we or I didn’t need to feed his fetish but that’s another story me in dark glasses throwing some giant purple sextoy in a public bin bagged up muttering ‘lazy bastard’ under my breath ‘ 😂the girl at my weekend job got a Pashmina and Diamond earrings for her birthday we were all students I can look back and laugh but I am on a ‘ Holiday’ visiting my boyfriend’s Aunt he keeps asking me if I am having a nice time on what he has termed a much needed break We knew it would be heavy rain and it’s in the countryside and they both have medical problems . It’s going to be a lot of sipping tea and discussing the weather. I am gritting my teeth because I feel he needs to visit his Aunt but yes I would have preferred an actual holiday 😂 Make sure u understand the motive behind the gift

Yeah, that would piss me off. I've had a similar experience. My reaction was along the lines of...

"Hey, I like my stuff, whatever the perceived quality. You don't go round replacing it, just because you think it's no good. How would you like it if I were to go into your place with new kitchenware, saying 'Admittedly not as good quality as yours, but a much nicer design, so you can ditch that ugly expensive crap.'"

I only read the original headline! Now that I’ve read more yes he does seem like he’s placating her for his own benefit. Thought it might have been another man-bashing thread of which there seem to be so many. As a mother of two men I try to balance things. No offence intended but not all men are nasty.

No offence intended but not all men are nasty.

Nasty? Not all of them. Self-serving? Show me one who isn't.

As others have said, he may not consciously be aware that he is feathering his own nest-- in her house. It's probably a diabolical master plan as such, simply a next step that he has utterly 100% naturally taken as a given.🤷🏻‍♀️

probably not*

Anyone who uses the word 'snowflake' shows how ignorant they truly are.

Agreed

In my experience people that use that term lack empathy and awareness that not everyone's lives and abilities are the same

Bit of back pedalling calvados?

No not all men are nasty. But the vast majority ime are very much focused on THEIR needs regardless of the needs of others in their lives.

I might be wrong but this sounds like the beginning of him invading your "territory" and then beginning to exercise control

I need all those things. Can I borrow him?

He seems like a bit of a ‘negger’ to me! Also, def not trying to get dark on this conversation right off the bat but if he starts buying you clothes…

OP, try this.

Tell him that you are thinking of down sizing into a bedsit as you have heard it's so much cheaper than yours because you just go round someone else's for their heating

Let's see how keen he is then.

I’d say it is so much better than buying you sky sports