To think my boyfriend doesn't think I'm clean?

[pinkflowerss]

This is gonna sound nuts but new boyfriend of 5 months.
He keeps buying me household items.
He bought me a cutlery set saying it looks like yours has seen better days.
Then he bought me a new pan as he said he couldn't cook "on my cheap pan"
Then last night he bought me a new duvet set and a tefal casserole dish.

Now I'm not gonna lie when I moved in I spent a lot on decorating and furniture that I skimped on pans etc

Aibu to feel a bit meh about this?

[quote Reptar]Have you read The gift Of Fear by Gavin de Becker? You can read it online.
'Loan Sharking' is when he does you a favour so he can demand one in return...
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Gift_of_Fear[/quote]
Just love, love, love Gavin de Becker.

As long as his gifts don't make him think he is entitled to shares in your house!

I'd find that controlling after only 5 months ... It would be hard to finish it, if you wanted to, when he seems to be moving in item by item

You are lucky 🍀 you might get a Lamborghini delivered soon

Personally I'd be offended. Give it him back and call it quits is what I'd do

He could be trying to be nice while embarrassed about showing he’s being nice—kind of common in a lot of men—they want to show you you’re important without wanting to feel vulnerable by admitting it. Or he could be a rather picky controlling arsehole. Surely you know him well enough now to work out which one it is.

How is this about you being clean? Does he do this in a mean way? If not this sounds fine, my other half and I would often replace things in one another’s houses. He bought knives and pans at mine I bought bedding and candles at his.

He bought me a cutlery set saying it looks like yours has seen better days.
Then he bought me a new pan as he said he couldn't cook "on my cheap pan"
Then last night he bought me a new duvet set and a tefal casserole dish.

Sounds like he's buying them as much for himself as you. If he likes cooking and has decided to buy nice pans & cutlery sounds like they're for him really. New duvet perhaps he didn't want to say but felt a nice new duvet would be good for you both.

He's making himself comfy, sees you as long term.

He's trying to impose his standards, I would def feel criticised and judged

Hmm I don’t think we’d bat an eyelid if this was the reverse, and a girlfriend was buying needed/nicer/new odds and ends for her boyfriends house

I think I bought ALL of those things when I started seeing my DH

Yes, you may be put out - but you have admitted the cutlery for eg is a bit done ?
Maybe it’s because he sees a long term future with you? Maybe he just thinks you aren’t prioritising cutlery and thought “fuck it , I’ll nab some while I’m here..”
Maybe his DM is the sort of comment and he’s just heading off her being annoying ?

But if it’s making you feel crap , decline the next “gift” but it sounds like you know you’re wee bitsnbobs are a bit done - just a bit embarrassed that he’s replaced them.

@Hunderland

Make your car look a bit dirty

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Misleading title and you don’t deserve him … be grateful

I think he’s trying to soften you up so he can move in. Gift him an electric blanket to keep him warm at his place.

@jc57

I think intention is very important here. If you've ever said something to him along the lines of your OP, so "oh, all my stuff is all just cheap because that was all I could afford at the time, really need to upgrade at some point" and he has taken the initiative to help you with that, then this is amazing! He is thoughtful, he listens, he is generous.

But if he is turning up his nose at your things and implying that they are not good enough for him, then that is quite judgey and superior.

My thoughts entirely

Wondered if he'd peed anywhere yet?

Let me give you my address…. 🤣
I wouldn’t be offended by this, I would if he said “this isn’t clean enough” as I’m very clean! Is he a bit snobby? Is that why he’s upgrading your possessions?

I would say this... my ex started like this. Replacing things, even down to a carpet as it looked grubby. I didn't know anything about it one thing then another. In the end he became a controlling abusive ass. I had to get professional help to leave and my life had been threatened.

I thought initially it was "nice" "thoughtful" .. in the end I look back and I see the signs of an abusive person. My advice. Be careful. X

Sounds like he wants to move in.

What’s he like in other areas - when you suggest going and doing something is he up for it or does he always poo poo it?

Is he generally a spender - does he generally buy random gifts for others? Does he tend to wear nice clothes?

How does he treat you? Positive, lots of praise, or little subtle things that make you doubt yourself?

If it happened to me I would find it controlling to be honest. Like he's claiming hour space as his own, imposing , etc. And if you tell him you'd prefer to buy your own household items , his response will be very telling I think.

@Lilymossflower

If it happened to me I would find it controlling to be honest. Like he's claiming hour space as his own, imposing , etc. And if you tell him you'd prefer to buy your own household items , his response will be very telling I think.

Yep. An old boyfriend of mine tried buying trainers and shit for me when I'd asked him not to. When he turned up with the items and I declined them again, he was pretty pissed off and told me how ungrateful I was. I believed I probably was ungrateful at the time, but stuck to my guns. I didnt see it as a warning sign though at the time. After time passed, he was extremely possessive and quite controlling. Also tried moving in by stealth by "accidentally" leaving belongings behind. He also tried to stage someone entering my home as well so that I feared being alone to let him move in. It wasnt until it became glaringly obvious that all those little things were red flags I was ignoring.

I bet he turns up with a puppy for you....

@Hunderland

Make your car look a bit dirty

This

Does always buy you practical things or will occasionally buy you something nice?
If it’s always practical at 5 months I’d hate to what he’d buy you for an anniversary.

I had an ex like this who would identify gaps and plug them. I found it really thoughtful. He bought me an electric blanket and that was the kindest thing anyone has done for me.

@jamandmarmalade

I bet he turns up with a puppy for you....

I'd take the puppy and shut the door in his face.

After all, it would be cruel to let a puppy get cold at night.