Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Original poster

To think my boyfriend doesn't think I'm clean?

228 replies

pinkflowerss · 27/10/2021 12:13

This is gonna sound nuts but new boyfriend of 5 months.
He keeps buying me household items.
He bought me a cutlery set saying it looks like yours has seen better days.
Then he bought me a new pan as he said he couldn't cook "on my cheap pan"
Then last night he bought me a new duvet set and a tefal casserole dish.

Now I'm not gonna lie when I moved in I spent a lot on decorating and furniture that I skimped on pans etc

Aibu to feel a bit meh about this?

OP posts:

furbabymama87 · 27/10/2021 12:55

It sounds like it could be a bit controlling but hard to tell. One of my friend's boyriends did this from early on in the relationship. Random things like shoe racks.
I think it stemmed from him having more money and wanting to improve her life with random items. But he began buying her clothes and shoes that weren't to her style and telling her to wear them, saying Northern girls are scruffy and he wanted her to dress more like London girls. He very quickly became overbearing.

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 27/10/2021 12:57

Depends on his intent.

If you've stated before - oh these pans were my mum's they're knackered, I've never got round to replacing them - and he's bought you new ones what a keeper.

If he's being condescending about it thank him but tell him not to waste his money. He is very new and may be testing his boundaries.

Be open and honest. Tell him how the gifts make you feel. If they make you uncomfortable, give them back. His reaction will speak volumes.

Reptar · 27/10/2021 12:57

Can he tolerate things being less than perfect, and does he apply that to you?

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 27/10/2021 12:59

@pinkflowerss

He's bought me flowers,chocolates,a new coat,a top,a necklace He's very generous Now we have moved on to casserole dishes 😂

Ohhhh I couldn’t say no to a Le Creuset/Staub dish or two...

gogohm · 27/10/2021 13:00

I brought knives and pans to my dps on the second trip I stayed his were terrible. I also got him to buy decent bedding, a girls got standards ... I would accept his gifts graciously, we all have our quirks (mine is cooking equipment and bedding thread count)

thisplaceisweird · 27/10/2021 13:01

Sounds lovely! I'd have to buy someone decent cooking things too if I was round there a lot

Snoozer11 · 27/10/2021 13:01

It turns my stomach a bit when pans are rusty, scratched, burnt or grimy and I would hate if I had to eat from them.

I also have a bit if a problem using old cutlery if it's belonged to someone else.

I think it's a quirk. I understand why you might be offended but I can understand how he feels.

nurserypolitics · 27/10/2021 13:03

I would find it really inappropriate and invasive someone was buying me that many gifts early on. Do you split time between both your houses? Was the coat for a birthday? Do you get him similar cost presents?

I think cutlery, without prior discussion, and saying it was because yours was 'worse for wear' is really really weird. I can actually understand, if he goes to yours more and likes to cook, buying a better pan, but I wouldn't expect it to be done without it being follow on from a conversation. Again, the duvet set is odd.

It all feels like overstepping. I remember a fairly new boyfriend buying me a load of cuddly sleepwear (pjs, sleep socks) because he knew I got so cold at night, It was to keep me warm on nights he wasn't there. I thought that was quite cute, and maybe if he'd got me a duvet for similar reasons that could have been ok. But this sounds like he's trying to 'upgrade' things about you he doesn't like, and is imposing his footprint on your home. I would be really tempted to start a conversation about it, even just a jokey 'oi, what are you trying to say here' type one. It definitely feels a bit odd.

muddyford · 27/10/2021 13:05

My cutlery is 33 years old. But it's mine and I chose it. Sounds as though he's a tad controlling.

TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat · 27/10/2021 13:05

Sounds a bit weird when you've only just started seeing each other. 5 months is still getting to know each other.

I don't think he thinks you aren't clean... I think he may have decided he wants to move in...?

Topseyt · 27/10/2021 13:07

I wouldn't like this because I want to choose my own household items whenever they need to be replaced. I want them to be my choice, not someone else's.

TheGirlCat · 27/10/2021 13:07

@missymousey

I would be very pissed off and tell him I found it a bit much. I'd also be wondering what else he would criticise, change and control.

Yes, exactly. I would find it very passive-aggressive and controlling. It doesn't come across as nice, especially as he criticises her: *He bought me a cutlery set saying it looks like yours has seen better days. Then he bought me a new pan as he said he couldn't cook "on my cheap pan"*

RED FLAGS in my opinion. I would not appreciate his attitude at all.

Courtier · 27/10/2021 13:07

Honestly I'd do the same if I stayed over a lot. I despise cooking with blunt knives, shit pans etc as they ruin my food.

See also scratchy sheets.

But they're my preferences so I'd be paying for the new items.

meemaww · 27/10/2021 13:08

@TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat

Sounds a bit weird when you've only just started seeing each other. 5 months is still getting to know each other.

I don't think he thinks you aren't clean... I think he may have decided he wants to move in...?

I thought this too……

TwistMyOlive · 27/10/2021 13:09

@Hunderland

Make your car look a bit dirty

This

jc57 · 27/10/2021 13:09

I think intention is very important here. If you've ever said something to him along the lines of your OP, so "oh, all my stuff is all just cheap because that was all I could afford at the time, really need to upgrade at some point" and he has taken the initiative to help you with that, then this is amazing! He is thoughtful, he listens, he is generous.

But if he is turning up his nose at your things and implying that they are not good enough for him, then that is quite judgey and superior.

TrickOrTreat21x · 27/10/2021 13:10

I would actually be delighted. 😂

BarbaraofSeville · 27/10/2021 13:12

I can understand why you'd be annoyed about it. What if you don't like the design or material of the duvet set, or the pan is too heavy or needs hand washing or whatever?

You're going to resent having to use it so he doesn't moan about you not appreciating his 'generous' gifts and these things last for years, so you're potentially stuck with them unless you LTB.

me4real · 27/10/2021 13:12

It'd annoy me that he's being snobby about your things.

Hemingwayscats · 27/10/2021 13:13

The duvet set is a bit much unless your duvet sets are falling apart at the seams or something? I would feel a bit offended by this personally.

I’d be delighted with the pans and casserole dish though, they’re expensive.

Original poster

pinkflowerss · 27/10/2021 13:14

We are always at mine as he lives in a bed sit and he hates it.
So we stay at mine as it's "cosier" and "liveable"

OP posts:

mountbattenbergcake · 27/10/2021 13:16

I think it sounds fine, as long as he also paying for his half of groceries and takeaways and drinks?

tiredanddangerous · 27/10/2021 13:16

I think this is weird 5 months into a relationship. Chances are he's got his sights set on moving in soon, especially if he hates where he is now.

Bananablossom · 27/10/2021 13:17

I wouldn't like it.

My sis in law, whom I love, bought us a set of new pans because she'd 'noticed ours were a bit worse for wear.'

I know it was meant kindly but I was offended that someone came in to my home with such a critical eye.

It made me feel exposed and judged even if that wasn't the intention!!

Shodan · 27/10/2021 13:18

That's a lot of gifts for 5 months. And he lives in a bed sit?

I dunno. Something feels a bit off to me.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Swipe left for the next trending thread