Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my boyfriend doesn't think I'm clean?

228 replies

pinkflowerss · 27/10/2021 12:13

This is gonna sound nuts but new boyfriend of 5 months.
He keeps buying me household items.
He bought me a cutlery set saying it looks like yours has seen better days.
Then he bought me a new pan as he said he couldn't cook "on my cheap pan"
Then last night he bought me a new duvet set and a tefal casserole dish.

Now I'm not gonna lie when I moved in I spent a lot on decorating and furniture that I skimped on pans etc

Aibu to feel a bit meh about this?

OP posts:
sadie9 · 27/10/2021 15:53

I'd be a bit wary to be honest. Is he the sort to then say 'after all the stuff I bought you this is the way you treat me!'.
If you don't like it, say so!
Would you not like to choose what duvet cover you sleep under? He sounds quite controlling to be honest. He's trying to make your flat his home by putting his objects into the space.

Cantfindausernamethatsnottaken · 27/10/2021 15:59

Thing is,even if he has good intentions with no ulterior motive,he has no common sense.An adult living in a bedsit should be trying to save for a deposit on a flat,not waste money on unwanted gifts.

Opalfeet · 27/10/2021 16:00

So I've read the whole thing, he's in a bdsit and hates it- he deffo wants to move in.

FateHasRedesignedMost · 27/10/2021 16:27

As he spends most of his time at yours, and neither of you hang out at his bedsit much, it makes sense to have stuff you both like.

When I lived with a female friend on a placement for a few months I bought my own bedding, duvet and pillow (her guest ones were old and threadbare and I was freezing) and left them behind when I moved out as I had a double bed at home, and lugging them on the train would have been a nightmare. She didn’t mind and still uses them for guests!

I also bought a couple of pans, some sharp knives and a set of cheap cutlery (the handles were falling off hers) I didn’t get rid of hers but she soon took to using the new ones and I left them as part of the household stuff when I moved out. I also replaced her iron as it kept leaking rusty water on my uniform, she was delighted. We’re still great friends a decade later. I never thought of her as dirty or untidy, she just hadn’t noticed certain items were verging on un-useable until she tried out the new ones!

It’s easy to get into the habit of making do with things that are old, threadbare or rusty, and not realise.

Re the duvet set, do you like the one he’s chosen? If so I wouldn’t worry. Lots of people like cotton sheets with a high thread count (I have a thing for cotton sateen) and I hate sleeping in anything with embellishments like sequins, beads, embroidery, or that polyester fleece bedding or scratchy raw silk.

TheWOooWOooWOoonlyMrsM · 27/10/2021 16:30

It sounds like he played the Generation Game conveyor belt game and won. He'll bring you a cuddly toy next week.

Anonymous48 · 27/10/2021 16:46

I can't see anything that suggests he thinks your stuff isn't clean. Cutlery having seen better days doesn't mean it's dirty. And usually I wash my duvet set when I think it needs to be cleaned, rather than replace it! I almost feel like it's hitting a little close to home if you're assuming he's doing these things because he thinks you're not clean!

Having said that, it is all a little strange, especially after only 5 months. If he's a keen cook and he does cook at your place, then I can understand wanting to have a good pan for that. The cutlery is a little stranger, but could have been him just wanting to treat you. I would not be happy about the duvet set. Did he consult you about it? It might just be that he wanted to treat you by upgrading to better quality, but that's a pretty personal decision. If he did it without asking what you would like I wouldn't be happy.

The other strange thing is that he's spending all this money on you yet he lives in a bedsit that he hates. Something doesn't add up and I would be cautious.

Aderyn21 · 27/10/2021 16:57

I think that duvet covers are quite a personal thing - I wouldn't like a boyfriend to be choosing me new ones without my input. It feels presumptuous.
The problem with this is because he's ostensibly doing a nice thing in buying you presents, it's hard to say that you don't want it/feel uncomfortable without looking like you are ungrateful. But we shouldn't have to be grateful for things we didn't ask for and don't want.
The only way to know whether he's genuinely trying to do a good thing but getting it a bit wrong or is potentially controlling/looking for a place to live, is to see what happens if you tell him that you aren't ready to live together. How would he react if you asked about his plans to get a house of his own?

Original poster
pinkflowerss · 27/10/2021 17:11

He has a good job but when he split With last ex he took this as it's opposite his ex.
I've been in his bed sit.
It's clean and tidy just small but he said the hours he works he would rather pay £350 for it than something else bigger for more money that he is never home to use.
He doesn't like it as his landlord is a idiot

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkflowerss · 27/10/2021 17:12

Sorry for late reply I was at work on my lunch when posted and I've just got home.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkflowerss · 27/10/2021 17:13

Opposite his job not ex (ha ha )

OP posts:
Aderyn21 · 27/10/2021 17:15

That kind of makes sense. I'd reserve judgement for now but I think I'd be very watchful.

Justmuddlingalong · 27/10/2021 17:18

Apart from the random household items he's buying for your house, is he contributing to your food and utility bills if he stays over at yours regularly?

oviraptor21 · 27/10/2021 17:45

I would worry that he's lining himself up to move in.
I wouldn't want duvet sets that he has chosen. I probably wouldn't even want a cutlery set that he has chosen.
It's difficult to tell if he's just being thoughtful or if he is heading towards controlling. I can see if he has no use for these things in his own place he might enjoy contributing to your place. But what's going to happen if the relationship ends? He does seem to be quite enmeshed in your life already. Is that what you want?

fumfspos · 27/10/2021 18:35

Ok so he's got a plausible reason for living in the bedsit.
However, I'd keep an eye on the situation.
I personally wouldn't want him buying me a load of stuff for my flat without asking if it's ok.
It's something that needs a conversation really. Also if you don't want him moving in any time soon that needs to be made clear too.

Standrewsschool · 27/10/2021 18:54

He’s never home to use… because he is moving into yours (without you realising it?)

Standrewsschool · 27/10/2021 18:55

Do you do all how cooking, washing etc?

Bananalanacake · 27/10/2021 18:56

Make it clear you need your own space and you don't want to live with him full time.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 27/10/2021 18:57

Eh?

You can buy any old sodding cheap pan you like

Is he going to buy you a pinny and an ironing board next?!

Westerman · 27/10/2021 19:03

I would take as him being critical and ask him to stop. It must be making you uncomfortable or these thoughts wouldn't enter your head. Thanks, but no more, thanks.

Lotusmonster · 27/10/2021 19:09

Look, tell him enough! You have a voice. You don’t actually have to accept this stuff! 🤷‍♀️

RedLipClass · 27/10/2021 19:11

I wouldn't feel comfortable with this either, OP. I can't quite put my finger on why. I'm not sure if I think it's controlling or if I would find it uncomfortable because I would read it as him seeing me as a bit of a scruffy charity case or something. If it was just one thing like the pan then that wouldn't be a big deal but it seems like he's gradually trying to upgrade all your belongings. My boyfriend made fun of the fact my big knife for cutting meat was shite and blunt whenever he was helping me cook dinner and it became a bit of a running joke between us. He eventually got me a nice new one alongside my other Christmas gifts and we had a good laugh about it but that was just one item. I'd be upset if he was criticising and trying to replace loads of my things.

Courtier · 27/10/2021 19:20

@AmaryllisNightAndDay

He's buying household items that he himself uses and he's not choosing them with you. These are not really "gifts". If you were properly living together then you should be choosing things together and budgeting for them together. He's only a boyfriend so these kinds of "gifts" are over-stepping. I would return them to him, or treat them as a loan to be returned if/when the relationship ends.
Dp and I, of 8 years lived together four, don't budget and choose household things together. Unless it's decorative we just buy things we want individually...
UppityDownitty · 27/10/2021 19:25

I was in a r’ship like this. From the outset he was incredibly generous with things he thought I should have/needed. I was unused to that so felt a bit guilty accepting but he said it gave him pleasure. Basically, his need to give pleasure trumped my need to choose my own things and be in control of my own household. It started to feel uncomfortable and like he was asserting subtle control and not listening to me. He’d tell me things “that I needed” and would turn up with them.
I was too polite to assert my boundaries.
But when he randomly bought me a £2000 bike which he’d researched as being the “right one” for what he thought I needed, I was so uncomfortable but couldn’t work out why. Basically I felt silence and railroaded into being a grateful recipient of him designing my life to fit what he wanted for me.

I was too nice / touched / grateful / polite to say no; and it took me a year to work out I’d been basically groomed and shaped into what he wanted me to be, and it was all to buy my affection/loyalty. Because when I eventually ended it he was flabbergasted because “he’d given me the world”. I pointed out that I hadn’t asked for or wanted those things and he’d done it because it gave HIM pleasure. I was firm, insisted he take the bike back, and bid farewell. He was angry for months, and semi-stalked me. He’d send emails, texts, letters, turn-up at my house etc, increasingly angry and confused by how I could end it when he’d “given me so much and cared for me for much” (ie: made me dependent on him).

Took a hell of a lot of blocking and feeling stalked to get him to finally see he couldn’t change my mind & had no “right” to me just because of his domineering purchasing.

OP- I’d be very wary of this dynamic developing. Your home is yours. It’s a red flag for a new man to be choosing your kitchen ware, installing new items in your home without checking etc. To me that’s a big no-no now.

Original poster
pinkflowerss · 27/10/2021 19:28

He does all the cooking.
I offer and he insists on doing it

OP posts:
WhiskyXray · 27/10/2021 19:31

@pinkflowerss

He does all the cooking. I offer and he insists on doing it
Your choices and wishes seem to be overridden an awful lot here.