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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my boyfriend doesn't think I'm clean?

228 replies

pinkflowerss · 27/10/2021 12:13

This is gonna sound nuts but new boyfriend of 5 months.
He keeps buying me household items.
He bought me a cutlery set saying it looks like yours has seen better days.
Then he bought me a new pan as he said he couldn't cook "on my cheap pan"
Then last night he bought me a new duvet set and a tefal casserole dish.

Now I'm not gonna lie when I moved in I spent a lot on decorating and furniture that I skimped on pans etc

Aibu to feel a bit meh about this?

OP posts:
InPraiseOfLadyGrey · 27/10/2021 14:06

He's putting you down. Nothing wrong with "I've bought you a present, some new cutlery", "saw this duvet set and thought you'd like it, here you go", "mind if I leave this pan here for when I cook? I prefer this brand". But he's not doing that, he's telling you your stuff is shit, insinuating your home isn't good enough. It's not nice. I'd kick him to the curb. Your instincts aren't wrong, you feel off about it for a reason. My guess is he'd become controlling further down the line, after he'd moved in perhaps.

fuckoffImcounting · 27/10/2021 14:08

He is on manoeuvres to move in, and move in far too quickly without fully involving you in the process. He hates his bedsit. The saying on mumsnet is: No one falls in love as fast as a man looking for somewhere to live. Draw your boundaries tight OP, don't let this man decide the next few years of your life without your input.

fuckoffImcounting · 27/10/2021 14:10

And what is a grown arse man doing living in a bedsit anyway?

TheChip · 27/10/2021 14:17

I wouldnt like this. I'd feel like it was something more sinister disguised as kindness.

What happens if you break up. Does he decide that his purchases go with him? Its fine if its only a cutlery set, but if he slowly starts replacing all that you own. You could be left with next to nothing.

Fenelladepompom · 27/10/2021 14:18

FortunesFave. I know. He's read about cocklodgers and thinks he'll cover his tracks by contributing now. This will stop once he's moved in.

midnightpopcorn · 27/10/2021 14:22

I think it's rude. I had a bf for a bit who was like this. He said he wanted to get me a new duvet, I said I liked my duvet and he said "what that shitty ass thing"! I got rid of him. Unless you've volunteered yourself that you're not happy with the items then upgrading them for you like some kind of charity worker is a huge red flag to me.

midnightpopcorn · 27/10/2021 14:23

@pinkflowerss

He's bought me flowers,chocolates,a new coat,a top,a necklace He's very generous Now we have moved on to casserole dishes 😂
Just saw this... all in 5 months?! Generous or love bombing? I find it weird, sorry 😊
Salayes · 27/10/2021 14:24

Do you give him gifts too? If he started with the ‘traditional’ romantic stuff and is now moving onto things you can use I might put it down to him trying to be creative and spend money on what he thinks are thoughtful gifts you’d actually use.

However the whole thing about stuff seeing better days would make me think he was being critical - and trying to turn your home into ‘our’ home. I’d have a chat with him about it tbh.

lottiegarbanzo · 27/10/2021 14:25

My guess is that he'll move in, then either spend a lot on items you don't consider necessary and ask you to contribute, or say he can't contribute fairly to essential bills because he's just bought 'us' x, y, z unnecessary items. Then he'll take his special stuff with him when he leaves.

I'm not suggesting he has a master plan and is fully conscious of this sequence of tactics. I do think that sort of self-interested behaviour is likely to follow from the sort of self-interested behaviour he's shown already. He won't see anything wrong with what he's doing.

What will really show you who he is, is when you sit down to discuss money together. You need to be really prepared and on the ball for that discussion. Don't let him railroad you into any commitments. Have the discussion, draw up some proposals and say you need a few days / week to think them over. Bring them here or better, talk them over with someone financially sensible in real life, before going back with any counter-proposals you need.

lottiegarbanzo · 27/10/2021 14:27

Does he ever comment negatively about your clothes? Make 'helpful' suggestions about what you might wear, that you haven't invited? That would be a serious red flag for controlling behaviour.

Wallywobbles · 27/10/2021 14:29

I'm much like your man. DH's ex took everything not nailed down. I replaced it with things I like to use. Is he buying things he uses? I'd let him get on with it.

Animood · 27/10/2021 14:30

Two ways of interpreting this.

  1. He wants to buy you gifts and is getting you things he thinks would be useful.
  1. Criticism of your stuff not being good quality enough. A bit controlling and weird.

Could be either or a bit if both.

If I were you I'd take the quality stuff. Free isn't it?

But you might want to tell him to back off if you're thinking it's more of a criticism.

ComDummings · 27/10/2021 14:30

He’s moving himself in

CallyWW · 27/10/2021 14:30

Accept the gifts and enjoy!! :)

PeterIsACockwomble · 27/10/2021 14:33

At first I thought it sounded okay, especially as there's a list of things a mile long that I'd like some man to come along and replace. Then I read the bedsit bit. Given that he doesn't like his bedsit, he needs to be sorting out his living situation, not buying pans for you.

I'd be extracting myself from that relationship asap.

InPraiseOfLadyGrey · 27/10/2021 14:33

@Shodan

That's a lot of gifts for 5 months. And he lives in a bed sit?

I dunno. Something feels a bit off to me.

An investment in his future, maybe? I'm wondering if the gifts would dry up but the criticisms remain if he got what he so clearly wants moved in. He could be wracking up credit card debt to pay for them.

I agree with the poster who said he could be a wannabe cocklodger. When was the last time you visited his bedsit? Are you certain it still exists? Where are his clothes kept/washed? Because mentally (and physically?) he's already moved into your place.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 27/10/2021 14:34

He's buying household items that he himself uses and he's not choosing them with you. These are not really "gifts". If you were properly living together then you should be choosing things together and budgeting for them together. He's only a boyfriend so these kinds of "gifts" are over-stepping. I would return them to him, or treat them as a loan to be returned if/when the relationship ends.

QuestionNumberOne · 27/10/2021 14:38

He wants to move in. Plus it’s controlling. Plus it’s too much, too soon.

Nope.

1forAll74 · 27/10/2021 14:38

What an ass and numpty of a man you have, and this is only five months in with him.. Does he check that your hands and nails are clean enough before eating dinner too. !

HebeJeeby · 27/10/2021 14:42

Sounds like he is setting up home at yours.,,,

WhiskyXray · 27/10/2021 14:42

I predict his tenancy will be terminated some time in the next 2-3 months, then he'll be "homeless." And he will look at you with big puppy dog eyes...

fumfspos · 27/10/2021 14:43

It's my ex isn't it? Initials P.J.H. Grin

He's moving in by stealth - buying stuff he wants to have in his new place when he moves in by you. He doesn't like his bedsit so he's making himself comfortable at yours and buying himself stuff that he wants. It's not about presents for you at all.

When my ex was doing this I absolutely hated it. It started about 3 or 4 months into the relationship and it made me feel really uncomfortable. It started with a washing up bowl as he didn't like washing up in a sink. Then it moved on to a washing up brush as he didn't like ME using washcloths or scourers or anything else. Then it was wine glasses as he didn't like drinking out of ordinary glasses (even though he never drank wine - he wanted his breakfast orange juice out of a decent glass). Then it moved on to fucking lamps and soft furnishings and then I dumped him. He wasn't living with me at the time so I ended up with a load of crap I didn't want as he never came back to pick up all that shit. Sold it online and got some money for it.

TheChip · 27/10/2021 14:43

@WhiskyXray

I predict his tenancy will be terminated some time in the next 2-3 months, then he'll be "homeless." And he will look at you with big puppy dog eyes...
Yup and then will come "after all I've bought for you and you won't consider letting me stay here just until I get back on my feet"
MauveMavis · 27/10/2021 14:45

Pans are quite personal.

I just about caused WW3 by trying to give my brother and SIL a set of new pans I'd been given when I installed my new kitchen. They were decent (WMF) and I knew their pans (which dated from SIL's first marriage) were pretty ratty.

Anyway. Big mistake. It transpires that SIL won't cook with anything other than non stick pans (doesn't even use the Le Creuset that was my brothers batchelor pad cooking stuff). My bro doesn't really cook at all now and it all ended up with me looking like the bad person for drawing attention to their pans.

All I was trying to do was a nice thing.

fumfspos · 27/10/2021 14:45

I predict his tenancy will be terminated some time in the next 2-3 months, then he'll be "homeless." And he will look at you with big puppy dog eyes...

Definitely a hobosexual.
Someone upthread was saying he's a cocklodger in the making - he's not that as he is contributing. Cocklodgers don't buy a load of stuff for their partner's flat - they persuade the partner to buy it.
But he does sound like a hobosexual - falls in love in order to solve an imminent housing situation or even no imminent dramatic situation just doesn't like where he's living.