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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my boyfriend doesn't think I'm clean?

228 replies

pinkflowerss · 27/10/2021 12:13

This is gonna sound nuts but new boyfriend of 5 months.
He keeps buying me household items.
He bought me a cutlery set saying it looks like yours has seen better days.
Then he bought me a new pan as he said he couldn't cook "on my cheap pan"
Then last night he bought me a new duvet set and a tefal casserole dish.

Now I'm not gonna lie when I moved in I spent a lot on decorating and furniture that I skimped on pans etc

Aibu to feel a bit meh about this?

OP posts:

tiredandmardy · 27/10/2021 13:18

It’s a sexual thing…google it. Next thing he will be saying you are ‘a dirty girl’ etc etc and other things I would rather not put here. Up to you if you are into that or not, but I have been there and got the (dirty) t-shirt!

Justmuddlingalong · 27/10/2021 13:20

After reading your update, I think he's marking his territory and is moving in by stealth.

mrsbyers · 27/10/2021 13:20

The duvet set thing is a bit odd - is yours dirty / old / too feminine ?

The rest is fine , when I cook at other peoples homes I usually take a few bits with me - he is just trying to improve your set up

WeDidntMeanToGoToSea · 27/10/2021 13:20

@pinkflowerss

We are always at mine as he lives in a bed sit and he hates it. So we stay at mine as it's "cosier" and "liveable"

This makes me think those who are suggesting he's getting ready to move in are on the money.

Lasair · 27/10/2021 13:24

He’s slyly moving in.

MatildaTheCat · 27/10/2021 13:24

It’s not possible to tell without knowing what your relationship is like. Is it head over heels in love or do you have doubts? It is all quite over the top but if he’s living in bad conditions maybe he’s trying to build a home. Just be clear about whether you want him living in that home or not.

You might be better encouraging him to save towards being able to live somewhere nicer that isn’t your place.

backtoschool1234 · 27/10/2021 13:25

The DM of an ex partner used to do this and it drove me insane. Completely overstepping. It was my house with my things and if I wanted them changed I would do so. She did get it in the end but it took a while.

TheGirlCat · 27/10/2021 13:28

@Shodan

That's a lot of gifts for 5 months. And he lives in a bed sit?

I dunno. Something feels a bit off to me.

Yep. If he can afford all those gifts, surely he can afford better than a bed sit.

Something doesn't add up here.

HazelandChacha · 27/10/2021 13:29

[quote pinkflowerss]@Bluntness100 when he said about my cutlery set being a bit worse for wear
Then I'm thinking does he think my duvet sets aren't clean enough [/quote]
Older duvet covers can be a big baggy so sag. It makes me feel really uncomfortable in bed, maybe it’s more that he likes a nice crisp new cover or can only sleep well in 100% cotton or something.

TheGirlCat · 27/10/2021 13:30

@mrsbyers

The duvet set thing is a bit odd - is yours dirty / old / too feminine ?

The rest is fine , when I cook at other peoples homes I usually take a few bits with me - he is just trying to improve your set up

He is the one living in a bedsit. He'd be better off using the money to improve his own set up.

milkyaqua · 27/10/2021 13:31

Oh, he's feathering his nest. That would freak me out.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/10/2021 13:33

Could you not complain that none of your jewellery goes with the beautiful necklace he bought you because it's all cheap?

I can imagine that he thinks there's no point in spending money on a crappy bedsit when there's a nice place that he could help make even nicer. And if he's already got halfway decent pans and cutlery at his (or what's there is part of the inventory), it could be reasonable to say 'I can't stand that pan, so - rather than moaning at you about it - I've bought a better one'. Nice bedlinen definitely makes a difference, too.

I know that DP's stuff was utter shite - uncomfortable bed, scratchy faded duvet covers, duvet that wasn't warm enough in winter - but he'd been brought up (by very comfortably off parents) to think that it's not worth buying new shoes that fit when there is a cheaper pair in the charity shop in a size too small and that taste isn't as important as whether it's the cheapest in the supermarket. I'd have happily stayed with him at his except for the fact that I would wake up in pain, cold and then have to try and chisel food off the crappy pan.

However, could it be that you're actually suspicious because you're getting the feeling that he's trying to encourage you to let him move in too soon? That it's all moving a bit too fast and he's speculating (buying you things) to accumulate (get his feet under the table before you're ready)?

ScotsMumOf4 · 27/10/2021 13:34

It could be that he's just trying to make your place feel more like his too. I do this with my dp. He has everything and more we need for his place but I buy things for his that I like and want to use at his house. It really could be innocent and him just trying to feel more comfortable at yours

AudTheDeepMinded · 27/10/2021 13:35

He's definitely moving in by stealth. I'd nip it in the bud and firmly establish some boundaries. It's controlling and manipulative, he's playing a game of chess and is several moves ahead, and you're not even aware you are playing!

milkyaqua · 27/10/2021 13:35

It really could be innocent and him just trying to feel more comfortable at yours.

Yeah, more comfortable than in his bedsit.

MagicWorkout · 27/10/2021 13:37

See now if you're at a place where he's stating at your place I'd expect you to have the kind of relationship where you just ask what's behind it and tell him if you don't like it.

If 5m in you can't talk to him, that's a bigger problem than pots and pans

Justmuddlingalong · 27/10/2021 13:38

I'd suggest he stops buying things for your home and saves his money to better his own situation. His answer /reaction could be quite telling.

ToughLuckCharlie · 27/10/2021 13:41

Why is he buying you this stuff? It’s very odd. You’ve been together for just a few months. You don’t live together. You’re independent of him. I wouldn’t like this at all. Tell him to stop.

You buy new girlfriends a drink, not a fucking set of pans! Weirdo.

TatianaBis · 27/10/2021 13:47

It is a bit early but I’m impressed by his domestic nous nonetheless.

lottiegarbanzo · 27/10/2021 13:49

Ah, he's moving himself in. The gifts are not so much generous as practical on his part.

Much more importantly and expensively, is he paying for half the groceries and contributing towards your fuel and water bills, given the pair of you will be using more than you did by yourself?

5128gap · 27/10/2021 13:56

With the possible exception of the pan if he really is a keen cook, I wouldn't like this. I wouldn't be comfortable with someone who had different standards from mine as I think it can lead to issues when one person is more particular domestically than the other. There's also something a bit fussy about it that would turn me off a man. But that's just me.

EveningOverRooftops · 27/10/2021 13:58

I had a family memeber do this with the duvet.

I sleep hot and like layers to peel off if needed so my duvet is 4.5tog summer one that I use most of the year then I have a thin 2 tog quilt for the height of summer (all 7 days of it) and that goes on top of my bed when I get cold plus a couple of blankets if needed.

So, no chance I am cold.

They completely replaced all my bedding inc the decent ergonomic pillow and got rid of my ‘old thin’ duvet to replace it with a duvet probably only for for the depths of an Alaskan winter.

It was and still is just plain rude.

he doesn’t live there so it’s not his stuff to replace. It’s rude.
is presumptuous to replace anything unless a) he broke it, so reasonable or b) you were consulted and agreed.
he’s clearly trying to stake a claim on your house being ‘his’

Urgh. It makes me feel icky when people do this.

lottiegarbanzo · 27/10/2021 13:59

What are the chances that when you ask him to contribute to bills, he will say he can only do that if he gives up his bedsit? (Yet he's not using heating and water at the bedsit, because he's using them at yours).

What's his relationship history? Is he a serial mover-inner (it is a type), who resorts to the cheapest possible bedsit between girlfriends, or is it more of a one-off situation than that?

Fenelladepompom · 27/10/2021 14:04

Wannabe cocklodger. Even if not, I'd be creeped out and would dump.

FortunesFave · 27/10/2021 14:06

@Fenelladepompom

Wannabe cocklodger. Even if not, I'd be creeped out and would dump.

Lol. No. Cocklodger's don't contribute. That's the point of being one...they use and abuse, get everything for free.

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