Is it weird to keep her with me until 5?

[Whatwillyakkabetoday]

Dd, is 3 and an August birthday. Is it unusual to keep her at home with me until she turns 5 and send her the September after she turns 5?
I’m a nursery teacher so do lots of activities at home etc.
She wouldn’t have any pre school etc until 5
Has anyone done this?

@EdenFlower

I have worked in early years education a long time and actually disagree that children who have spent time away from parents before they start school are more confident. Learning how to socialise with other children is very important, but it’s actually quite an unnatural scenario for a child as young as 1/2 or 3 to spend whole days away from their family in room full of other toddlers. It is far healthier in my opinion for them to develop social skills gradually in the presence of their parent in smaller settings with friends, siblings, cousins etc. Or attending group activities where parents stay. Children who are secure in their relationship with their parents settle well into school in my experience. The best scenario is for them to gradually start to attend short sessions of a preschool in the year before starting school to become accustomed to being left and develop confidence away from the parent. I find children who have spent long days away from parents from being very young babies or toddlers have less social skills,less language skills, are more anxious and less , secure. It’s like they learn to survive alone rather than actually thrive at nurseries if sent before they have developed a secure sense of self an family x

Do you have any evidence to back this up because the majority of 3 year olds I know (which is quite a few as I have one myself) are not at all anxious or lacking in language or social skills.

In fact, they are all excellent talkers, can play together well (even if they don't see each other regularly) and most of them keep asking if they can go to school.

What behaviour do these kids who are not settled with their parents show?

Bluntness Exactly. Totally different scenario. Also this child did start age 3 and didn’t settle so was withdrawn that’s a different kettle of fish to mum decided not starting until later. Most children settle into pre school. It may be she was just too young, school not right fit but it may be more going on. If OP is poster I recall child was struggling massively socially and interacting inappropriately blowing raspberries. So not just usual teething troubles setting in.
Also the language issue has been missed as OP didn’t say she was abroad in first post.
If you are English speaking and child is going to foreign language school kindest thing is to immerse her and her her language fluent now. Out with you is not same language immersion.

@itsgettingwierd Iwas going to say that effectively you're just suggesting homeschooling her for the first years. No, the op isn’t in the U.K. but if she was csa is term after 5th birthday.
Op 4 is too young for formal education, you are doing the right thing.

I would send her. What is the reason to keep her home? She will fall behind the others, unless you spend time working with her at home...I mean I know she would catch up eventually...but she will start the year with others who have already formed friendships etc, which is also more difficult. Kids do adapt though, so not the end of the world to keep her home. But as others have said, unless there is a good reason, better not to. So important for young kids to learn socialising with groups of children, one on one etc. You can not provide different situations just at your home. Also, you said you are a nursery teacher, what does she do when you are at work? Who looks after her?

I have 3 dc and the older two love going to school and even from a young age of 2 or 3. We plan to send our third when she is 2.5 to start school. Its only a short time when they are that young of course, but enough time for them to interact with others.

While August born children can suffer from being the youngest in the year the research shows they are mainly boys from deprived backgrounds who are a particular ethnicity.

You have a girl and while you haven't stated your ethnicity - your background isn't deprived. So there is no reason to keep her back from school for another year.

I've actually got the problem that I have a September born girl who is upset that a couple of her friends born in August - yes girls - are going to school a year earlier than her. (One of the August borns is definitely bright so her parents are definitely sending her to school.)

I would put your DD in nursery/pre-school for a couple of days a week so she can have fun playing with other children without you hovering around. She will develop her social skills and independence.

Then unless nursery/pre-school say otherwise put her in school with her cohort.

Yes I think it's weird. Most children love school and reception (whilst it is school) is mainly play anyway. It's a very gentle introduction to the school environment and provides a bit more structured learning for little ones. My ds was born at the very end of June and had no problems with coping with reception.

DS is in reception and so far it's very clear that a big chunk of it is learning how to behave in a large group, be away from parents, and to manage/learn effectively in a much lower adult to child ratio than children experience elsewhere. It's all about socialisation away from mum & dad, the only thing you can't do at home.

I don't really get why this would be weird. It was perfectly normal in society until about 5 minutes ago.

If you just have the one child you'll probably want to arrange some things involving other children on a somewhat regular basis, but that isn't rocket science.

if she’s bright then it’s reasonable to hold her back . You may find she thrives being ‘top of the class

What?! If she’s bright she can do just fine in the year she belongs in, not get some sort of bizarre advantage by being held back and being too old for the year. Odd.

Also @EdenFlower I agree with you - everything I’ve read from scandi research etc indicates the later children start school/nursery the better just because they have longer to develop confidence from their parents/sense of self etc. I think it’s optimal to have children with a primary caregiver for the first 3/4 (I think in scandi it’s 4) years and I’m surprised this is disputed. Obviously in the society we live in it’s often not the case/nobodies fault as women and men both have to work. I would also add that I think later than 3/4 doesn’t seem to work that well. DS started at 3 and for sure was in dire need of socialising more and more boundaries.

Plus of course far better to be at nursery than in a home environment where parents can’t be fucked (which absolutely happens).

@EdenFlower that might be the case for some children, but they would probably have the same fate if kept at home.....I am referring to your comment about social and talking skills.

My first had to go to nursery all day from 13 months and she was advanced in terms of language by age 2, speaking full sentences. When we sent her to another nursery at just turning age 2 the staff could not believe how more advanced she was compared to the other children in talking. My second one spent more time at home and did not start until age 2 and he was not as advanced as my first...but that is do to different personalities and developments...my third who is almost two is showing similar capabilities as my first, in addition to her being bilingual and speaking French and English (She was the only one who got the opportunity to be exposed to French from birth). The other two learned French when starting reception.

Anyway, children are secure even if they spend time all day in nursery from a young age if they come from a secure home.

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

I don’t really understand the thing about summer babies?! My son is July, as is my second son and my third is due in June. Someone has to be the youngest in the year…I don’t really get why people have this thing about wanting to hold them back a year. My eldest has just started preschool and it hasn’t done him any harm at all being the youngest; you actually can’t tell and he was at home with me for 3 years before that so it’s not like he had previous experience in a nursery setting.

There are two main reasons for this.

One is that anecdotes aside, the research suggests there is a real performance difference by age, and that this can follow kids through the school system.

The second is probably why this happens, which is that school begins very early in the UK, as well as the other English speaking countries, close to many other places. Probably a little too young - quite a few kids aren't quite developmentally ready to do the kind of work they are being asked to do. This tends to affect the youngest kids, especially boys, the most. In a more appropriate system, these differences largely tend to even out by about age 8 or 9, but in the younger years children often develop at different rates.

And because these kids aren't quite ready, they can end up missing foundational skills, and they also become frustrated with school, they learn to check out, see themselves as failures, etc. None of that does them any favours long term.

A better solution would be to begin school later for all, or change the nature of the early years of school, but failing that, keeping a younger or less ready child home an extra year is a good approach.

I'm in Scotland. If a child was born in August 2017 they would go to school in August 2022, as far as I'm aware. We all seem to survive.

Feel a wee bit sorry for the kids born in February 2018, but I think their parents can hold them back a year if they feel they're too young.

If she’s August born I’d def send her in the Sept so she’s the oldest in her year instead. Don’t think it’s weird not to do preschool, as long as she’s having lots of socialisation and some prep for school (which it sounds like you’re going).

*doing

@EdenFlower Yes, I’ve been feeling the same more and more recently. They are just so very young. I see many who just simply want to play and be in their own imaginations, seems so young to impose systems & rules on them.
I didn’t feel like this until I had my own

Sorry for the drip feed, certainly wasn’t intentional, I was including points as I went along which obviously should have been put in the opening

Basically, I’m dying for time alone and we really just assumed Dd would love it. It wasn’t the experience we expected and it really set her back.
I basically just want her to be happy, she’s happy learning with me and day trips out and seeing friends. She just wasn’t happy at all.

No, I didn’t miss it, but you wrote that they started dependent on when their birthday was, so this indicated everyone whose birthday was in the same period tended to start together, this little girl is starting two years later. In the same class you would have, roughly, one third of a class starting in September, one third in January and the final group in April. So the older children in the year had two terms more in reception than the younger ones and very definitely all the children in that school year didn't start school together.

It sounds like the other place just wasn’t right for her. You’ll know yourself that some kids just don’t fit some settings.
I’d try her somewhere else. Or perhaps with a childminder for a morning or two at least. Just to get her used to not being with you all the time and give you a break.

[quote Whatwillyakkabetoday]@NovacDino This has been my thinking more and more in the last year.

I’m quite shocked by some of the responses though. I think I need to stick to my plan of having to send her next September.
Surely doing as I’m doing with her at 3 years old isn’t going to be detrimental, is it?
Feeling quite shit now and worried.[/quote]
Stick to your guns. You know your child and you know a bit about education. Give her the best start you can before she has to enter the system. If I had young children I would probably want to home school them until the end of Y2 because I see first hand what is happening in schools with our youngest children and it is not good for them, on the whole.

This isn't that unusual.
All the people saying "keeping her at home til 5 is a terrible idea", what about children who turn 5 in the first week of September? They are also at home until 4 years, 51 weeks. What's the difference for an August baby who is 5 years 2 weeks?

I would probably send her to a preschool, she could just do a few mornings a week. But my daughter missed almost all of her preschool year due to covid and started school at 4.5 no problem

@Whatwillyakkabetoday

I’m a teacher but currently home with Dd

I’m not in the U.K., where I am, they start school itself at age 6.

They can start pre school at age 4, but have to go everyday, no option for part time etc

She tried a private pre school in September and really suffered, she was very unhappy, was super confident and outgoing before that. It clearly knocked her confidence.
I have some friends homeschooling, plus lots of friends in nursery, we all regularly meet up. We have lots of days out, plus she has dance lessons once a week.
I suppose I’m worried she won’t be ready next September for full time pre school or it will be a repeat of before where we saw our previously happy girl take a real hit in confidence.
Definitely not for my benefit. As much as I love being with her, I’d love a break too!

Thanks for all the feedback, how do homeschoolers justify it then, if it’s so wrong for the child (not in my opinion, I’m really unsure about that, but judging by some responses on here)

I think you failed to ride out the normal transition of children starting in a new environment. If she is ok now, I highly doubt that pre-school impacted her confidence etc - she was just finding her feet and needed a good shot - perhaps over a few months - to get settled in.

@NovacDino What’s happening to them? -In U.K. schools at least?

@DoItAfraid She still isn’t herself, but we’re working hard on building her confidence back. She was very outgoing and friendly before, she’s shy and almost not trusting of people. I have such huge guilt for what she went through and wish I’d made a different decision

@Bluntness100

I also think the way this is written has been slightly misleading but I doubt on purpose

If the op had said

“I’m a sahm and am not in thr uk. Where I am children start preschool and go daily at four then graduate to school at six. I did put my daughter In nursery and she struggled and we needed to pull her out. She is at home with me most of the time, and is rarely socialised with other children, maybe once or twice a month on a play date. She does do lots of activities with me though as I was formerly employed as a nursery teacher. I’m considering delaying her start for a year till she is five, becayse she struggled last time, but am not sure if it’s in her benefit”

The responses would have been more considered. The op read like this was a child in uk schooling due to the four/five age range put forward.

Not accurate though. Nowhere does OP say her DD is “rarely socialised with other children”, on the contrary she says:

I have some friends homeschooling, plus lots of friends in nursery, we all regularly meet up. We have lots of days out, plus she has dance lessons once a week

I don't really get why this would be weird. It was perfectly normal in society until about 5 minutes ago.

No. being with just your mother all day and one playdate a week has never been normal.