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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it weird to keep her with me until 5?

391 replies

Whatwillyakkabetoday · 27/10/2021 09:17

Dd, is 3 and an August birthday. Is it unusual to keep her at home with me until she turns 5 and send her the September after she turns 5?
I’m a nursery teacher so do lots of activities at home etc.
She wouldn’t have any pre school etc until 5
Has anyone done this?

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 27/10/2021 11:49

[quote Whatwillyakkabetoday]@NovacDino This has been my thinking more and more in the last year.

I’m quite shocked by some of the responses though. I think I need to stick to my plan of having to send her next September.
Surely doing as I’m doing with her at 3 years old isn’t going to be detrimental, is it?
Feeling quite shit now and worried.[/quote]
Don’t take this kind of advice from MN, particularly not AIBU?

She’s your kid, you seem sensible, you do what you think is right for her.

Posters here advise based on the norm of the English school system, they don’t realise other countries start school later. Also posters can be very narrow and conservative and suspicious of doing something different.

Mylittlepotofjoy · 27/10/2021 11:50

My son hated playgroups snd nursery so he stayed at home with me until starting school a month before his 5th birthday!! He’s now 28 social happy and healthy . Go for it !!!

Dixiechickonhols · 27/10/2021 11:53

Statistically summer born don’t do as well academically or sports wise (majority of premiership footballers are autumn born) plus there’s the whole can’t get a job/drive/pub at other end until after their friends.
Deferral is possible in England now but not common. It may be more common in country OP is in.

FrancineSmith · 27/10/2021 11:53

@itsallgoingpearshaped

Having seen young children (KS1) be yanked out of school for over a year due to covid and then come back ... don't do it. They are shockingly behind and don't know how to make friends or be around other children.
That’s really not the same. They haven’t been able to have a normal life and normal, social experiences because we’ve been in a pandemic and discouraged from socialising. ‘Behind’ according to what? An outdated education system that actually goes against most of the evidence regarding how children learn? I know many children who didn’t start formal learning until much later, and they are well-rounded individuals who are really achieving their potential.
clockover · 27/10/2021 11:54

I’m quite shocked by some of the responses though.

To be fair most of them have been drawn without the important information which you later drip fed.

If you had been clear in the OP that you were in a country where starting school at 6 is the norm I'm quite sure you would have received very different replies. Same with the bit about her socialising.

Notonthenewrug · 27/10/2021 11:56

Im an August baby and started the school year at 4. I was never behind nor did I struggle.
My DS was born on 30th Aug. He also started school at 4 and has had no issues.

EisQuiaPiusEs · 27/10/2021 11:58

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

I don’t really understand the thing about summer babies?! My son is July, as is my second son and my third is due in June. Someone has to be the youngest in the year…I don’t really get why people have this thing about wanting to hold them back a year. My eldest has just started preschool and it hasn’t done him any harm at all being the youngest; you actually can’t tell and he was at home with me for 3 years before that so it’s not like he had previous experience in a nursery setting.
Agree with this. My birthday is at the end of August, and I went to Oxford, have a DPhil etc. DC1 is late summer and is at Oxford. DC2 (also a summer baby) is heading that way. There were girls in my class at school who were more than a year older than me (private school, so less fussy about cut-off dates) and some of them were distinctly average academically (for an academically selective school, that is).
EdenFlower · 27/10/2021 12:02

I have worked in early years education a long time and actually disagree that children who have spent time away from parents before they start school are more confident. Learning how to socialise with other children is very important, but it’s actually quite an unnatural scenario for a child as young as 1/2 or 3 to spend whole days away from their family in room full of other toddlers. It is far healthier in my opinion for them to develop social skills gradually in the presence of their parent in smaller settings with friends, siblings, cousins etc. Or attending group activities where parents stay. Children who are secure in their relationship with their parents settle well into school in my experience. The best scenario is for them to gradually start to attend short sessions of a preschool in the year before starting school to become accustomed to being left and develop confidence away from the parent.
I find children who have spent long days away from parents from being very young babies or toddlers have less social skills,less language skills, are more anxious and less , secure. It’s like they learn to survive alone rather than actually thrive at nurseries if sent before they have developed a secure sense of self an family x

SummerSeaSwimmer · 27/10/2021 12:05

Have the courage of your convictions and do what you feel is best for your family. The vast majority of children go to pre-school/nursery as a form of childcare so their mums can have a break and time for themselves, whatever else the parents tell you and try to dress it up as! You are providing a well balanced, loving, caring, stimulating environment for your child and that is the best start she can have.

clockover · 27/10/2021 12:06

The vast majority of children go to pre-school/nursery as a form of childcare so their mums can have a break and time for themselves, whatever else the parents tell you and try to dress it up as!

You can't be serious Hmm

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 27/10/2021 12:07

OP, it's fine, do it.

Bluntness100 · 27/10/2021 12:07

I also think the way this is written has been slightly misleading but I doubt on purpose

If the op had said

“I’m a sahm and am not in thr uk. Where I am children start preschool and go daily at four then graduate to school at six. I did put my daughter In nursery and she struggled and we needed to pull her out. She is at home with me most of the time, and is rarely socialised with other children, maybe once or twice a month on a play date. She does do lots of activities with me though as I was formerly employed as a nursery teacher. I’m considering delaying her start for a year till she is five, becayse she struggled last time, but am not sure if it’s in her benefit”

The responses would have been more considered. The op read like this was a child in uk schooling due to the four/five age range put forward.

girlmom21 · 27/10/2021 12:12

The vast majority of children go to pre-school/nursery as a form of childcare so their mums can have a break and time for themselves, whatever else the parents tell you and try to dress it up as!

The vast majority go so that their moms can work...

And so that children can learn to socialise and develop outside the home environment.

girlmom21 · 27/10/2021 12:14

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

I don’t really understand the thing about summer babies?! My son is July, as is my second son and my third is due in June. Someone has to be the youngest in the year…I don’t really get why people have this thing about wanting to hold them back a year. My eldest has just started preschool and it hasn’t done him any harm at all being the youngest; you actually can’t tell and he was at home with me for 3 years before that so it’s not like he had previous experience in a nursery setting.
I'm glad you've said that. My second DC was born on 31st august. I was a September baby so terrified about her being a whole year behind some of her peers developmentally.

I'm glad you can't see much difference!

PurpleFlower1983 · 27/10/2021 12:14

I don’t think there is any issue with this as long as she has opportunities to develop socially in other ways.

marykitty · 27/10/2021 12:20

@EdenFlower

I have worked in early years education a long time and actually disagree that children who have spent time away from parents before they start school are more confident. Learning how to socialise with other children is very important, but it’s actually quite an unnatural scenario for a child as young as 1/2 or 3 to spend whole days away from their family in room full of other toddlers. It is far healthier in my opinion for them to develop social skills gradually in the presence of their parent in smaller settings with friends, siblings, cousins etc. Or attending group activities where parents stay. Children who are secure in their relationship with their parents settle well into school in my experience. The best scenario is for them to gradually start to attend short sessions of a preschool in the year before starting school to become accustomed to being left and develop confidence away from the parent. I find children who have spent long days away from parents from being very young babies or toddlers have less social skills,less language skills, are more anxious and less , secure. It’s like they learn to survive alone rather than actually thrive at nurseries if sent before they have developed a secure sense of self an family x
Oh, I would have loved a "gradual start" into nursery, but, you know, i had to get back to my workplace.

Nothing against you, it's just that everytime I read this kind of posts I still feel freaking guilty.

CaraherEIL · 27/10/2021 12:21

Edenflower I agree with you 100%

Rosesareyellow · 27/10/2021 12:21

I don’t really understand the thing about summer babies?! My son is July, as is my second son and my third is due in June. Someone has to be the youngest in the year…I don’t really get why people have this thing about wanting to hold them back a year.

Same - me and my DH were ‘August babies’ ourselves. I work in a school now and some summer children are very mature some September born children come across as very young. The actual age is quite arbitrary in terms of being school ready but the younger ones have the advantage of starting later if needed - doesn’t seem entirely fair tbh. There are plenty of children born pre-christmas who can have also benefitted from starting later. Generally they start too early in the UK in my opinion. Most are fine - but those who struggle often suffer with the disadvantage of being emotionally too young in reception for the rest of their school career, forever trying to catch up.

BadNomad · 27/10/2021 12:22

In Northern Ireland we start school a year earlier than England. No soft start with reception, just straight in to Year 1. Scotland starts even later. It doesn't make one group of children more superior or more sociable than the others. Some children benefit from a later start, especially if they'll be younger than their peers. Do what you think is best for your daughter and family.

shouldistop · 27/10/2021 12:26

The vast majority of children go to pre-school/nursery as a form of childcare so their mums can have a break and time for themselves, whatever else the parents tell you and try to dress it up as!

Grin no, it's usually so their mums and dads can work.

kirinm · 27/10/2021 12:27

@Whatwillyakkabetoday

I’m a teacher but currently home with Dd

I’m not in the U.K., where I am, they start school itself at age 6.

They can start pre school at age 4, but have to go everyday, no option for part time etc

She tried a private pre school in September and really suffered, she was very unhappy, was super confident and outgoing before that. It clearly knocked her confidence.
I have some friends homeschooling, plus lots of friends in nursery, we all regularly meet up. We have lots of days out, plus she has dance lessons once a week.
I suppose I’m worried she won’t be ready next September for full time pre school or it will be a repeat of before where we saw our previously happy girl take a real hit in confidence.
Definitely not for my benefit. As much as I love being with her, I’d love a break too!

Thanks for all the feedback, how do homeschoolers justify it then, if it’s so wrong for the child (not in my opinion, I’m really unsure about that, but judging by some responses on here)

How long did you try her in pre-school? How are things going to improve for her if she isn't around other children or in that sort of environment?

My niece didn't go to nursery until she was nearly 3 and she really struggled to start with. I don't actually know anyone (other than perhaps my mum) who didn't go back to work until their child was 5 so can't really comment on whether it causes any major issues. I suspect it doesn't but they may take longer to adapt to school.

Whereismumhiding3 · 27/10/2021 12:28

She would be due to start in infants/ primary school reception year aged 4 as an august baby. My understanding is if you delay for a year starting school ( as it's not mandatory until 5) they join year 1 so will miss out reception year. That's a good year as it introduces them to school in a gentle way

My DS was late august baby and he went to school just turned 4.

It's great you are a nursery teacher as sounds like you want to homeschool a bit, that's up to you. The social and "rule" side of school though isn't easy to replicate at home.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 27/10/2021 12:30

The OP is not in the UK. In their country children start school at 6.

FFS

008NoTimeToDiet · 27/10/2021 12:32

I think five is too young to be away from their primary carer/family. School starts ridiculously young in the UK. Just because most people subscribe to it, doesn't mean it's right.
Look into home education if you can.
Mine are well-socialised through regular clubs, classes and activities (pre-covid).

olympicsrock · 27/10/2021 12:41

I have one who is veryyoung for the year. Honestly he struggled hugely with school in reception, even though he had loved preschool. I do think your daughter needs some time away from you though in groups where you are not in charge or at preschool. If she’s bright then it’s reasonable to hold her back . You may find she thrives being ‘top of the class’ .