Is it weird to keep her with me until 5?

[Whatwillyakkabetoday]

Dd, is 3 and an August birthday. Is it unusual to keep her at home with me until she turns 5 and send her the September after she turns 5?
I’m a nursery teacher so do lots of activities at home etc.
She wouldn’t have any pre school etc until 5
Has anyone done this?

My mum did this to me. School came as a huge shock, I struggled to make friends and I felt like an outsider.

I didn't stop crying before going to school until I was about 7/8.

I never got over the anxiety of going to school and I didn't partake in further education.

Your daughter might be fine, but it was horrendous for me.

It is unusual here but it's totally normal in many other countries. Some wait until 7.

Don't worry about people saying it's detrimental. It's just a belief we've been brought up to believe. There's so scientific evidence. Do what's right for your child.

Many of these replies are ridiculous.

As a teacher you'll know that some children seem overwhelmed and anxious at school. Maybe they're just not ready. You'll also know that a committed, engaged parent can easily recreate the benefits of nursery and it's mainly playing alongside each other at that age.

If your child is dying for a challenge and for some reason under-stimulated at home, or would benefit from structured time with other adults, I'm sure you realise.

Children of course are just little people and do not need to be with other children exactly their age like a litter of puppies. You will have the best idea how much peer to peer your child needs and will benefit from.

So ignore the thread and follow your gut. You're highly unlikely to be able to speed up her developmental process by doing something that she finds overwhelming. You're also highly likely to make any decision with lasting consequences, as a caring parent, because it all works out.

The only thing I would say is that outcomes for children get young in the year can be disappointing. My very young but very bright child needs a lot of one to one to perform at her ability level, simply because she's been around for a quarter (ish) less time than some others doing the same work.

@DockOTheBay

This isn't that unusual. All the people saying "keeping her at home til 5 is a terrible idea", what about children who turn 5 in the first week of September? They are also at home until 4 years, 51 weeks. What's the difference for an August baby who is 5 years 2 weeks?

I would probably send her to a preschool, she could just do a few mornings a week. But my daughter missed almost all of her preschool year due to covid and started school at 4.5 no problem

I'd imagine the amount of children born in September who never go to any childcare or preschool prior to starting Reception is a tiny amount. It's very unusual these days for a child to stay home until starting school.

See how you feel in another year. My August born dd we deferred as it was right for her. No regrets. But she was a preschool etc which she loved- at that age she will want to play with others not just you. Wanting to defer her is a different matter.

YANBU for not sending her to school when she is just turned 4 but YABU for not sending her to nursery that year. You have 15 free hours or 30 hours if you earn under a certain income.

Not all children suit, preschool, nursery and school. The replies you have mostly got are because people don't like to think about this and would rather go along with the status quo.

Op, do what is best for your child. I decided to send my child to free hours at 3, she hated it but everyone banged on about socialisation, etc. I actually sent her for me so I could have a break.

At 4, she "should" have gone to school. But I kept her in the free hours setting to see if she would settle. At 4.5 she had not fully settled and still don't like it most days. So I decided OK, no more free hours and no school for now.

I thought she would go to school later on
Disclaimer: She is still at home but may go school at 13 (next Sept) ...

I'm not adverse to school, it absolutely is great for mass education and mass childcare.

However, if you have the options to do something else, that suits your child better then why would you not take that option?

All those saying children start at 6 or 7 in other countries the children go somewhere before that age it’s just called something different to school - kindergarten etc. It’s not the norm for children to stay home just with mum in a 1-1 until age 6 or 7 not least because mum will usually be working or minding siblings.
Child is encountering children but not socialising independently in same way they do in a pre school. If OP is bucking norms in her country she will also find her DD’s peers will not be around much as they are in pre school so further limiting opportunities to socialise - the weekly play dates can’t happen if the other 4 year olds are in full time pre school.
If your desire is for a bit of alone time would a nanny share or childminder work plus it has benefits for DD as she’d have regular playmates but less formal than school.

Oh, I would have loved a "gradual start" into nursery, but, you know, i had to get back to my workplace.

Nothing against you, it's just that everytime I read this kind of posts I still feel freaking guilty.

It really sucks, but it's important that it gets said. Back just before there was almost a mass exodus of mums to work, there was a real live debate about the implications of FT childcare for children. That wasn't resolved by showing it was better/fine for kids, it was resolved when it became impossible for most families to do anything else.

People mostly stopped talking about it because they had no choice anyway. No one wants to feel guilty about it when they have no options. And more than that, a lot of pepole felt more comfortable if they could tell themselves it was better. A lot of the younger parents now have been told it is better, most were in care themselves, and they can't imagine anything different.

But this masks addressing the real issues, or asking whether two FT working parents is really the best set up for society, or what kinds of other options there might be.

So many people on threads like this seem to think that before every child was in care at age 1, or went to school at four or five, kids were unsocialized and stupid.

There's a HUGE difference between a child who is only recently 3, and a child who is 4 or 5.

Give it another year and see how you feel then.

Personally, I'd apply for school at the right time for her age cohort, but there's no rule saying you have to take up the place when the time actually comes.

You say you're not in the UK OP. Does your child need to learn the local language? I'm in Spain here they can start school from the year they turn 3 but its compulsory till the year they turn 6. I chose to send mine from age 3 purely due to the language aspect and picking it up more easily the younger they started. If it hadn't been for the language side of things I might have started them at 4 instead. There's a lot of difference between a child at 3 and the same child at 4, come next September you might find she is happy to go and more ready for it

@Kokeshi123

I don't really get why this would be weird. It was perfectly normal in society until about 5 minutes ago.

No. being with just your mother all day and one playdate a week has never been normal.

Not many people only go out once a week, and the OP doesn't, so possibly not a relevant comment.

Though in some more remote settings, it wouldn't be so odd, and children in those places also turn out fine.

I absolutely would keep her if you can.
In Scotland you can defrler if they are not 5 by enrolment by end of Feb. Huge bodies of research to back you up.

@Happylittlethoughts Why would you keep her at home?

I was little in the 70s and nursery was absolutely a "thing" then but my mum chose not to send me. Starting school was a horrendous shock to me at 5 with no experience of being away from my mum and mixing with large numbers of children. I wouldn't do that to my dc, even if work was not an issue.

My children loved nursery and reception as it is play-based. They look back fondly on those times. When I home educated one of my children for a while, and then when another had to have a delayed start to reception due to a prolonged staggered start, they really missed their school friends.

@LobsterNapkin

Excellent post

Both my DC did the nursery class at the primary school they currently attend, I took advantage of the 15 hours free so they did 5 mornings a week, my daughter from when she was nearly 4 (she just did the full year of the nursery class) and my son from just after he was three (so he did the full year plus one extra term).

I think it benefitted them (and me!) hugely. I'd actually been nervous about them going to nursery/school, but they loved it. Early years curriculum is very play based and they had a great time, and learnt so much, including social skills. It was great that they were able to attend the nursery class at the primary school- they basically have one huge classroom with one side for reception and the other for the nursery class. They wore their uniform every day, got to know lots of the school staff, got used to going there every day. I know this is very specific to nursery classes attached to a school but it helped them get used to school- when they started reception they were already at the school so it felt like the hard bit was done.

I do think it's been really beneficial to my children. Particularly my son, because at 6 and now in year two, he was in reception when the pandemic hit and schools were shut. That extra time in the nursery class proved so important- he was already used to school and so I think it was less disruptive than it might have been. I know it's really specific but it's a benefit I had obviously never even thought of. I think for most children, going to a nursery or pre school is really advantageous

OP, do you know what it was about the nursery setting that didn’t work for your DD? If you’re overseas is it language, or even just culturally a different way of doing things to how you are at home.
When my older DDs were young we lived overseas. DD1 didn’t settle at all at the local private nursery which was very structured, but was very happy at the preschool of the international school which was more play based.
I wouldn’t have said it knocked her confidence though, or set her back. Just that it didn’t really suit her. That sounds quite serious and as a parent I’d want to understand if the difficulties for my DD were related to that particular setting or school in general.

My mum did this to me. It caused social problems that have lasted my entire life. I didn’t learn how to relate to other children and it affected my ability to mix at primary school, which had a knock on effect on secondary school, and really on everything since then.

I was kept at home until 5 but that was the norm then. More because I was an only child my Mum took me to various play school type things which were just a few hours but have me the chance to socialize

They were play only and apart from educational toys and activities that my Mum greatly encouraged I did no formal education until starting schools at 5 and was an above average to top student throughout, but as I said was the norm then. If it’s the norm where you child would start school I don’t see an issue.

My Mum later became a primary school teacher and early years specialist, it is her opinion that the focus on formal education in EY is to the detriment of most kids learning and they should be left to play for a lot longer with a mix of in school/nursery/kindergarten and at home

@Marelle

My mum did this to me. It caused social problems that have lasted my entire life. I didn’t learn how to relate to other children and it affected my ability to mix at primary school, which had a knock on effect on secondary school, and really on everything since then.

Hmm a friend of mine was homeschooled on a remote farm in Africa with no friends but her parents and animals until she went to primary school - and she was absolutely fine. Very sociable and outgoing person.

I don't think you can blame problems with socialisation on one cause like that.

@TatianaBis, she can blame it on that. It’s her life and she knows better than you do. You cannot tell someone what they can and cannot base their experiences on, especially an anonymous stranger.

As said earlier, plenty of children do adapt and are fine, others do not and really struggle and it can be life long. What is absolutely a given is that child hood experiences can shape our future.

I grew up in a deeply abusive home. I am not damaged by it as an adult. Plenty of people who went through similar ar and never mentally recover. I would not deem to tell them their problems as an adult did not stem from their child hood. As humans we all adapt and overcome differently, we all react differently. Some survive, some thrive, some do not.

It is not the fault of the child or the adult they become.

My mum started teaching in the 60s in an area where children started school aged 5 and there was no nursery provision. She said most were at home with Mum (or sometimes Grandma if Mum did work) and there were no playgroups around. She always said that most of those kids came to school far more ready to learn, and used to listening to an adult, than the kids she was teaching just before she retired in the early 2000s; lots of whom had been in full time nursery provision. It’s a societal norm now for children to attend nursery but that doesn’t mean it’s a necessity. Yes, for some being in nursery is preferable to them spending all day every day in their own home environment, but for others while they might enjoy nursery it won’t do much for them that an attentive parent can’t.

@Bluntness100

That’s the point - some children adapt and some don’t. Children who are inherently shy and introverted will be more impacted than children who are inherently sociable.

Thus the issue is a multifactorial one - interface of nature and nurture.