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Original poster

Is it weird to keep her with me until 5?

391 replies

Whatwillyakkabetoday · 27/10/2021 09:17

Dd, is 3 and an August birthday. Is it unusual to keep her at home with me until she turns 5 and send her the September after she turns 5?
I’m a nursery teacher so do lots of activities at home etc.
She wouldn’t have any pre school etc until 5
Has anyone done this?

OP posts:
speakout · 27/10/2021 11:07

ancientgran
Back in the 50s most of us were at home with mum until the term we turned 5.

I actually doubt that.
In most areas there were tons of kids around, all playing together, most days, in the streets, in each other's gardens.
All the younger kids were in the same boat, and would seek out each other's company, encouraged by their mothers.
Most children had a big local gaggle of friends, so were well socialised before they started school.

This isn;t happening with the OP's child.

ancientgran · 27/10/2021 11:07

@clockover

Well I was at school with them for years so if it had some dire consequence it didn't show up for quite a while.

Or you didn't know about it. The thing is you are talking about a group of kids all at the same starting point, OP child would not be on par with her peers when starting school.

Mine started school at 9, no problems, both passed the 11 plus 2 years later, both got first class honours degrees, both have post grad qualifications, both in happy relationships with good jobs. That might not work for others but they are my kids and I, with DH, made the decision that was best for them.

It's not all about academia. Also, did you keep them at home with you the whole time with just the odd play date?

I didn't say it was all about academia though did I? They are well adjusted adults in happy healthy relationships. Once again we didn't all start school at the same time, we had 3 intakes a year.

We socialised much as the OP says she does with her DD going to parties with kids we knew, having play dates, dance class but we also did swimming classes but to be honest not alot of socialising in 30 minutes in a swimming pool. As they got older they did more after 5 like rainbows/beavers.

ancientgran · 27/10/2021 11:09

@speakout

*ancientgran Back in the 50s most of us were at home with mum until the term we turned 5.*

I actually doubt that.
In most areas there were tons of kids around, all playing together, most days, in the streets, in each other's gardens.
All the younger kids were in the same boat, and would seek out each other's company, encouraged by their mothers.
Most children had a big local gaggle of friends, so were well socialised before they started school.

This isn;t happening with the OP's child.

Well I was there and I can assure you that where I lived 3 year olds weren't out playing in the streets and we didn't have gardens, back yard was as good as it got.

Was this your experience in the 50s?

Dixiechickonhols · 27/10/2021 11:09

Did you post earlier this year when you tried preschool and she was having social issues and you were worried there may be something else going on autism/adhd. Also you speak English at home but had put her in a different language school? Apologies if not you but your posting style reminded me.
It’s hard to advise as most posters on here are English based so no pre school, no playgroups plus deferring a year would be very unusual.
The thing that jumps out at me is child has no room to develop and navigate socially. A dance class is structured. A play date is structured - mum Clare’s not sharing and an adult intervenes. She won’t learn how to make friends and deal with stuff.
If the norm in country is preschool full time from 4 then she will be odd one out. If language is a factor too then pre school is a good chance to get her speaking it.
If you are concerned re additional needs then pre school may assist in getting ball rolling with early diagnosis and intervention.
I’m just thinking if you start her at 5 and she is distressed it will be fobbed off as not used to school, needs to settle. It may delay her getting help she needs.
Think long and hard why you don’t want to send her. If it’s because you suspect she won’t cope as she’s different then said kindly shielding her will just delay diagnosis. If you don’t want to send her why not?
Some people of course choose to homeschool for reasons they feel strongly about, if you felt that way then you wouldn’t be sending her at 5.

clockover · 27/10/2021 11:09

Once again we didn't all start school at the same time, we had 3 intakes a year.

I didn't say the same time. I said everyone's starting point was the same. Which is true no matter which intake you were.

NovacDino · 27/10/2021 11:10

As a teacher, I would definitely keep her at home. As long as you are providing her with learning opportunities and time with other children. Unfortunately, the EYFS is now, more often than not, too formalised and not developmentally appropriate for our youngest children. Many countries don't start formalised education until 7 and they out perform us in league tables. She will be fine joining in Y1... and hopefully you can find a school with a more play based approach to KS1 to send her to.

Original poster
Whatwillyakkabetoday · 27/10/2021 11:16

@lanthanum That was the plan this September just gone. I paid for a good nursery/pre school for her to go to a few mornings a week initially. We were both so excited, she’s always been so outgoing and confident etc. She was completely miserable, went into her shell. I persevered but she was just so unhappy.
Now I’m stuck with what to do next
My plan was definitely to start here next September when she’s just turned 4,(different school with pre school attached) but honestly worried how she’ll be.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatwillyakkabetoday · 27/10/2021 11:17

@Briony123 I’m not in a rural area??!

OP posts:
Shasha17 · 27/10/2021 11:20

It's absolutely fine. In a lot of places in the world, children wouldn't start school until this age anyway.

Original poster
Whatwillyakkabetoday · 27/10/2021 11:20

@PopsicleHustler Yes, similar schooling here.

OP posts:
MiniPumpkin · 27/10/2021 11:24

Don’t see any issue with deferring school, I think kids are too young for school at 4 IMO. However I would 100% get her into nursery/pre school now. Due to work commitments I had to send dd to nursery age 1, now 3.5 she absolutely loves it. Friends have kept kids at home till 3 which I know is normal but what a struggle it was trying g to settle them.
Agree with others that the play dates you have just now is no where near enough

Dixiechickonhols · 27/10/2021 11:24

Can you not try again for a Jan or Easter start and try a few sessions a week at a new school. If it’s social aspect she’s struggling with it is odd not to try and work on that. Maybe first school wasn’t right fit?

Original poster
Whatwillyakkabetoday · 27/10/2021 11:24

@NovacDino This has been my thinking more and more in the last year.

I’m quite shocked by some of the responses though. I think I need to stick to my plan of having to send her next September.
Surely doing as I’m doing with her at 3 years old isn’t going to be detrimental, is it?
Feeling quite shit now and worried.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 27/10/2021 11:26

@ancientgran

I mean this politely but you’re missing the point. It’s not the same as then all children were the same, and started at the same time. The op is taking about holding her child back when others will have two years of daily socialisation under their belt when her child starts.

I think you missed the bit about 3 intakes a year, September, January and April. That means they didn't all start at the same time.

No, I didn’t miss it, but you wrote that they started dependent on when their birthday was, so this indicated everyone whose birthday was in the same period tended to start together, this little girl is starting two years later.

I do understand though if your own kids didn’t start school till nine, and were several years after other kids you’d have a different experience.

Original poster
Whatwillyakkabetoday · 27/10/2021 11:26

@Dixiechickonhols Yes, I’ve thought that. But her main pre school for September (state and feeds into the school she goes into) will only take from September (we have to put her name down in April) I’m reluctant to start her somewhere else again and then change, especially after what she went through

OP posts:
missingeu · 27/10/2021 11:27

My 18yr DD is end of August and she started school having just turned 4 - she was top off her class throughout school and we never had any issues with her being the youngest.

It's only when all her friends turned 18 and she was the last - as she couldn't go out clubbing as much was the only issue.

Howareyouflower · 27/10/2021 11:29

Do it! I regret so much sending my youngest son to school a month after his 4th birthday. He wasn't ready for school then. I remember talking to the head teacher, and she said that honestly, they couldn't tell the difference at aged 6, which children had had any sort of extra input before school, including the children who had started to read before school.

Goldbar · 27/10/2021 11:30

Which year would she go into? Reception or year 1. The year 1 children will be expected to function independently and be used to being away from their parents so it's going to be tough for her if that's her first experience of being away from you in a formal, school environment.

Why don't you want to send her to nursery?

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 27/10/2021 11:36

This thread is a classic example of you need to read the entire bloody thing. 90% of the replies are irrelevant because the OP missed out vital info in their first post.

waferingstranger · 27/10/2021 11:43

OP, I tried to send my eldest to preschool when she had just turned 3 - only for a few mornings a week - and she HATED it. It totally affected her behaviour and happiness, she was waking up all night having nightmares, stressed, anxious. After a month of that we gave up. We tried again aged 4.5 and although she was scared before she started and cried about going, she was much more understanding of why she should go, and after a few weeks, she was loving it.

There is a BIG difference between a 3 year old and a 4/5 year old.

The other thing to bear in mind is that life at home is much less entertaining for a 4/5 year old. Half the reason we sent her at 4.5, as well as socialisation, was because she was so BORED at home doing the same things with just me every day. So so bored. And that's why she loved school in the end. Much more variety of things to do and people to do them with.

Dixiechickonhols · 27/10/2021 11:43

You are posting on a mainly English forum and it’s unusual for a 3 year old not to be away from mum for at least a few sessions a week in pre school at this age.
Is there nothing like play school/moms day out in your country it seems odd there’s nothing at all until full time at 4.

waferingstranger · 27/10/2021 11:44

If she is socialising with other kids, learning, doing lots of fun activities, I don't think it matters whether she starts proper school at 4, 5 or 6.

herecomesthsun · 27/10/2021 11:45

Well, I think if she is not happy at pre school, and she is happy at home with you, and socialises, that is surely just fine?

TupilaLilium · 27/10/2021 11:46

My August born 5-year old loved Reception at age 4. We did not send her to school when she was three, but she was in a private nursery until Covid and was then home for 7 months.

I think she would have struggled to start Year 1 at age 5.

She is not behind in any major way for being August born. Some of her friends seem more sophisticated, but that would be even more pronounced if we'd kept her home the year she was 4.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 27/10/2021 11:46

I don’t really understand the thing about summer babies?! My son is July, as is my second son and my third is due in June. Someone has to be the youngest in the year…I don’t really get why people have this thing about wanting to hold them back a year. My eldest has just started preschool and it hasn’t done him any harm at all being the youngest; you actually can’t tell and he was at home with me for 3 years before that so it’s not like he had previous experience in a nursery setting.