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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's unreasonable?

135 replies

OnlyGin · 26/10/2021 17:48

Ben and Sally are married and have DC together. Ben has two DC from a previous relationship as well who live with them 50% of the week.

Sally's parents are well off and like to spoil their grandchildren. They are kind to Ben's other children but don't view them as their grandchildren nor do the children think of them as their grandparents.

Sally's parents like to take her DC out regularly, buy them treats etc etc. Same with Christmas and birthdays, they get LOTS from Sally's parents. Ben's children do as well but not as much as their grandchildren.

Ben has started suggesting this is unfair. For example, this half term Sally and Ben's joint DC have been / are planning to go out to various fun amusement places with Sally's parents but Ben's other DC haven't been invited and Sally and Ben can't really afford to take them themselves, they often come back from these places with treats from the gift shop.

Ben's other children have grandparents on their mothers side who treat them the same way as Sally's parents treat her DC so Sally doesn't see the problem. She doesn't believe it's her parents responsibility to pay for all DC to go to these places and she won't make her DC miss out by saying they can't go unless they all go. She also thinks it's fine for her parents to have a unique relationship with their grandchildren especially as her step children don't see them as their grandparents anyway.

Who's unreasonable?

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 26/10/2021 17:51

It is a tricky one. What are Ben's parents like with the children?

Blahdyblahbla · 26/10/2021 17:51

I think Ben is BU, you can't force someone to take your dc out and pay for them.
I would hope the joint children are quite humble though and don't rub the other kods nose in it .

OwlinaTree · 26/10/2021 17:52

I think I'd be planning the trips that don't include the non invited children on days when they are at their mum's house.

Stressed21 · 26/10/2021 17:54

Ben is. His other DC have their own grandparents to spoil them, and it sounds like Sally's mum is still considerate of them anyway

CreepySpider · 26/10/2021 17:55

Is Ben insisting his ex’s parents treat his children with Sally equally as well?

Original poster
OnlyGin · 26/10/2021 17:55

@OwlinaTree

It is a tricky one. What are Ben's parents like with the children?
Ben's parents aren't around and don't see any of the children really. So it's only on their mothers side for both sets of DC that the grandparents are really present.
OP posts:
Hockeyboysmum · 26/10/2021 17:57

I think its fine so long as days out arent planned for when the other dc are at ben and sallys house. That would be cruel

Merryoldgoat · 26/10/2021 17:59

It’s not as cut and dried as Sally’s children have no reason to see or be involved with their step siblings’ grandparents but it’s not the case the other way round.

I don’t know what the answer is.

2ndtimemum2 · 26/10/2021 17:59

The big question for me is what's the age difference between the kids? Do the other kids feel left out? If they don't care then its a non issue however if the actions of adults are upsetting young children then I can see why Ben would be upset

Original poster
OnlyGin · 26/10/2021 18:00

@Hockeyboysmum

I think its fine so long as days out arent planned for when the other dc are at ben and sallys house. That would be cruel
Sometimes they are because Ben doesn't have a strict contact schedule and it changes often making it very hard to guarantee the other children wouldn't be there at the same time.
OP posts:
Terminallysleepdeprived · 26/10/2021 18:01

Honestly, neither is being unreasonable to feel the way they do.

Could you clarify, are Ben's other children currently staying with him or are they with their mum? In my opinion this makes a big difference to the situation

ShinyMe · 26/10/2021 18:07

How old are the children and how long have Ben and Sally been together?

I don't know what I think for sure, but I tend to think that if you're a family then you're one unit and shouldn't be treating children differently.

Motherland101 · 26/10/2021 18:11

Ben is BU. Sally's parents are more than considerate as it is, but are in no way obliged to treat Ben's children as their own grandchildren. Yes it may be nice every now and then if all parties agree, depending on family dynamics etc but it's definitely not a given IMO.

Original poster
OnlyGin · 26/10/2021 18:12

@Terminallysleepdeprived

Honestly, neither is being unreasonable to feel the way they do.

Could you clarify, are Ben's other children currently staying with him or are they with their mum? In my opinion this makes a big difference to the situation

Currently with Ben and Sally. But Ben works alternating shifts which mean his contact is not strictly every X Y and Z day, it can change regularly.
OP posts:
rrhuth · 26/10/2021 18:18

If the GPs were my parents I'd be disappointed they weren't including all the kids if they were there on the given day. I've experience of a blended family, fwiw. So I think on balance Sally IBU, but there is bugger all she can do, as really it is her parents who ABU.

RedHelenB · 26/10/2021 18:22

@OwlinaTree

I think I'd be planning the trips that don't include the non invited children on days when they are at their mum's house.
This is the only fair way to do it But 50% of the time seems to me that all the children should be treated the same.
MeanyJoany · 26/10/2021 18:23

What ages are the kids? It doesn't matter really I was just being nosey.

I'm 100% with Sally on this one and think your parents sound like lovely people. I think given Ben's parents are clearly useless for whatever reason that he has a bit of a cheek giving out about your parents who are clearly lovely

girlmom21 · 26/10/2021 18:29

I think Sally's parents are being unreasonable as their family is blended now.

However, my maternal grandparents used to invite my step sister (dads new partners daughter) on days out with us so she wasn't left out, so I might be biased.

Step moms parents were fantastic with us too and never treated us any differently to their biological grandchildren. They didn't have to do that.

It is also feasible for Ben to find cheap/free days out for his children as well though.

JosephineDeBeauharnais · 26/10/2021 18:29

Ben and Sally chose to blend their family, presumably Sally’s parents weren’t consulted or considered about that (not saying they should have been). It’s not fair to impose Ben’s children on Sally’s parents, it’s up to them to decide what relationship if any, they want to have with them. Ben is BU.

StoneofDestiny · 26/10/2021 18:33

They are kind to Ben's other children but don't view them as their grandchildren nor do the children think of them as their grandparents

Ben is unreasonable. They are not his kids grandparents and are not responsible for treating them..

Cocomarine · 26/10/2021 18:34

I think your second post is important here. I understand about the flexible schedule, I have one too, but I think it’s really not on for some kids to go out on a special treat whilst others are left literally in the same home. Can you imagine excited stepsiblingsxreturning back from the zoo with their spoils?!
These sound like under 10s, so no - in the moment it doesn’t help that they get trips their other home.

If Ben think all children on all trips - he’s unreasonable.
If he thinks no exclusive tips when the others are staying, then he’s right. But, it’s on him to manage the days better.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 26/10/2021 18:36

Ben is being unreasonable. Why should the grandparents pay double for an outing and be overwhelmed with a bigger group of kids on a day out? Maybe the current amount of grandkids is all they can manage/afford at one time. And even so, they aren't their grandkids so owe them nothing.

MarshmallowSwede · 26/10/2021 18:36

Ben is. His children from his previous relationship have grandparents of their own. Sally’s parents are not their grandparents. They sound like they treat them well and are kind to them, but they are allowed to spend time alone with their own grandchildren.

Shoxfordian · 26/10/2021 18:46

It sounds like both sets of children have grandparents who treat them and pay for things so Ben sounds unreasonable to me

Piggy42 · 26/10/2021 18:50

I think Ben is unreasonable. He’s expecting the Gp’s to double the cost of the trips/double the work. His children have other GP’s to do stuff with.