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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's unreasonable?

135 replies

OnlyGin · 26/10/2021 17:48

Ben and Sally are married and have DC together. Ben has two DC from a previous relationship as well who live with them 50% of the week.

Sally's parents are well off and like to spoil their grandchildren. They are kind to Ben's other children but don't view them as their grandchildren nor do the children think of them as their grandparents.

Sally's parents like to take her DC out regularly, buy them treats etc etc. Same with Christmas and birthdays, they get LOTS from Sally's parents. Ben's children do as well but not as much as their grandchildren.

Ben has started suggesting this is unfair. For example, this half term Sally and Ben's joint DC have been / are planning to go out to various fun amusement places with Sally's parents but Ben's other DC haven't been invited and Sally and Ben can't really afford to take them themselves, they often come back from these places with treats from the gift shop.

Ben's other children have grandparents on their mothers side who treat them the same way as Sally's parents treat her DC so Sally doesn't see the problem. She doesn't believe it's her parents responsibility to pay for all DC to go to these places and she won't make her DC miss out by saying they can't go unless they all go. She also thinks it's fine for her parents to have a unique relationship with their grandchildren especially as her step children don't see them as their grandparents anyway.

Who's unreasonable?

OP posts:
KimmyKimdoo · 26/10/2021 22:03

Sorry but why should the grandparents feel obliged to take all four children out? Double the cost, double the responsibility! May not even have a suitable car for them all! It’s a big group then, it makes such a difference. The main thing is - they may just want to spend some time bonding with their grandchildren. There’s nothing wrong with that at all.

KimmyKimdoo · 26/10/2021 22:05

Just seen this ages too - wow!! Sally’s parents are definitely not beating unreasonable. Two toddlers is quite enough to take on without the others too. Plus they’re going to be much more restricted with activities finding things for all those different ages. Surely it’d be lovely for them to have their dad to themselves for the day without the toddlers in the way anyway? Do something a bit more grown up??

Bluntness100 · 26/10/2021 22:05

Ben needs ro accept his kids have grandparents and if he’s not happy about what they do with them then he needs to address it, it’s not on his new partners parents,

I’m guessing he isn’t telling the other grandparents they need to do the same? Grabby and unpleasant

ivykaty44 · 26/10/2021 22:09

Ben is bing UR

Unless Bens ex's parents start treating Sallys children the same as Bens children.....

girlmom21 · 26/10/2021 22:10

@Bluntness100

Ben needs ro accept his kids have grandparents and if he’s not happy about what they do with them then he needs to address it, it’s not on his new partners parents,

I’m guessing he isn’t telling the other grandparents they need to do the same? Grabby and unpleasant

As both sets of grandparents are the womens parents, I highly doubt he's telling either set what to do.

To be fair, he probably feels guilty that they're missing out on a relationship with his own parents as the way OP worded it it sounds like his are NC rather than dead.

EggsellentSmithers · 26/10/2021 22:11

Yep, having seen ages, Ben is definitely U. The small ones are toddlers and the older ones wouldn’t necessarily want to join in the same activities in the same way? And the more I think about it, I’m sure OP said the Ben’s kids don’t see Sally’s parents as their GPs so there’s the answer.

Original poster
OnlyGin · 26/10/2021 22:13

Ben's argument is that sometimes Sally goes with then too so it wouldn't necessarily be a case of her parents always being alone with 4 children.

Admittedly Ben has offered to pay for older DC on some (not all) occasions if it's something they may like too but Sally doesn't want to ask her parents because she knows they'd like to spend the day with their GC but may feel pressured to say yes.

Holidays are a thing as well, Sally's parents have asked to take their DC for weekends away in the past a couple of times and possibly abroad next year as they own property in other areas. Ben's older DC don't really get to do this.

OP posts:
Original poster
OnlyGin · 26/10/2021 22:14

I’m sure OP said the Ben’s kids don’t see Sally’s parents as their GPs so there’s the answer

No they don't. Neither see the other as GPs/GC. Ben's DC do like Sally's parents but they don't think of them as GPs.

OP posts:
KimmyKimdoo · 26/10/2021 22:16

If Sally is going too, is this about childcare?? Because his older children come over to spend time with their dad, why doesn’t he seize the opportunity to spend alone time with them?!

I think holidays for Sally, Ben and the kids should include all four children. However, grandparents one other side are entitled to offer to take their GC and what a shame it would be for the younger ones to miss out because the older two miss out too Confused

KimmyKimdoo · 26/10/2021 22:18

I would say though, I wouldn’t allow my parents to take my DC abroad without me at those ages - would Sally want to be on those trips too?

Original poster
OnlyGin · 26/10/2021 22:19

@KimmyKimdoo

I would say though, I wouldn’t allow my parents to take my DC abroad without me at those ages - would Sally want to be on those trips too?
Abroad yes Sally will likely go too
OP posts:
KimmyKimdoo · 26/10/2021 22:23

Sounds as though both Mum and Grandparents want to do nice things for the toddlers. However, MAN isn’t happy because his woman should also be providing ample fun for his other children too.

Quite frankly, if Ben wants his children to have nice outings and holidays, why doesn’t he organise anything/ take them himself?

WimpoleHat · 26/10/2021 22:23

Ben is unreasonable. A) because his in laws are not the GPs of his older kids and there’s no confusion around that and b) because there’s no way that his kids would want to do this things a 2 and 4 year old would want to do. Yes, these situations need to be handled sensitively, but there’s nothing wrong with Sally’s parents taking their own grandchildren out on their own.

zoemum2006 · 26/10/2021 22:25

I think the most important thing is how the older kids feel about the situation. At 9 and 11 they'll be pretty aware.

I'd be led by their feelings. (and before anyone talks about spoiling kids if you've ever had a consistently different arrangement than your sibling it can be really upsetting).

KimmyKimdoo · 26/10/2021 22:28

@zoemum2006 it’s up to their parents to make sure their needs are met. Their Dad and their own mum should be organising fun things for them to do. Sounds as though their Dad is offloading responsibility for that onto his new wife to be honest.

I’m not suggesting they aren’t a family unit, of course they are. The thing is though - the children have different parents and that’s ok. There’s no point pretending they don’t and trying to dictate how everyone around show behave/ feel. Sally and her parents should be kind to the older dc of course, but ultimately it isn’t up to them to ensure they are taken out for fun days out.

WimpoleHat · 26/10/2021 22:30

I'd be led by their feelings. (and before anyone talks about spoiling kids if you've ever had a consistently different arrangement than your sibling it can be really upsetting)

But in this situation, you have two distinct sibling groups: Ben’s two kids who are significantly older - and then two very little ones. It’s not a question of kids who all live together all the time; the older kids know that Sally’s parents are not their grandparents and have a special relationship with their own. So I’d have thought that “Little X and Y are at the zoo with their grandparents” would be most unlikely to cause major upset, especially if at Christmas etc there’s a gift for them from Sally’s parents as well.

waterrat · 26/10/2021 22:33

I think this is a tough and not ideal situation and should be looked at from the children's point of view not the adults.

If you choose to blend a family and make children become siblings then you need to avoid unfair situations like this ...even if that is tough for the adults to adjust to.

I feel sorry for thr kids having very different experiences in a single blended family and think steps could easily be taken to reduce the disparity

zoemum2006 · 26/10/2021 22:34

Well ask the older kids and see how they feel. If they aren't unhappy then it's no big deal but if they feel left out/ less important then you need to fix the situation.

Original poster
OnlyGin · 26/10/2021 22:35

and b) because there’s no way that his kids would want to do this things a 2 and 4 year old would want to do

I think this is the issue because sometimes it can be things Ben's DC would probably enjoy too i.e. the zoo, aquarium, Legoland that type of stuff.

OP posts:
KimmyKimdoo · 26/10/2021 22:42

Where is Ben when Sally is at Legoland with toddlers and Grandparents?

Is he at home with the older DC? If so, why doesn’t he either come along altogether and pay for his DC, help look after all four of his children OR organise a fun day with the older two on the same day??? Possibly a mix of the two as presumably Sally would enjoy some alone time with her parents too sometimes.

Lalastepmum · 26/10/2021 22:44

You do for all or none IMO.
If this was an every other weekend arrangement then I could understand however, it is 50/50.

Could you imagine having your siblings going to Legoland and you are stuck at home. Ben has offered to cover the costs. I can understand step parents not wanting cover four children but it would be polite to offer.

Sally is in an awkward position due to it being her parents. I do appreciate that.

Marelle · 26/10/2021 22:53

Ben is being ridiculous. Just wait until they die and leave all their money to their own grandchildren, Ben is going to go apeshit.

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 26/10/2021 22:54

Do Ben & Sally's dc spend any time with his eldest children's grandparents?

I think Ben is being very unreasonable to expect his ILs to look treat his children with his ex the same way they do their daughters children.
If they were excluding them when it came to Christmas etc then that would be unfair but as it is I don't think they're doing anything wrong.

Also, the dynamic is different with children that aren't related to you and that you don't have that sort of relationship with. For example, I'm more than happy to take my nieces and nephews out for the day because I can discipline them if necessary (without any issues with my sister), they know me and behave for me etc. I wouldn't agree to take some of my friends children because the relationship isn't the same - I wouldn't feel comfortable dealing with them if they misbehaved etc.

MoreThanAnOffDay · 26/10/2021 22:58

It's a hard one.
I have 1 dc. Dh has 1 dc. Plus 2 together my parents and dhs parents treat all of our dcs equally they're all their grandchildren in their eyes! Whether that's a day out or a 20p lollypop they'd all get the same. Ahve done from day one.
Dsd has her dms parents who spoil her too but that doesn't mean she should get less from mine or dhs parents.
Even our grandparents have treated them all the same too!

EggsellentSmithers · 26/10/2021 22:59

@OnlyGin

and b) because there’s no way that his kids would want to do this things a 2 and 4 year old would want to do

I think this is the issue because sometimes it can be things Ben's DC would probably enjoy too i.e. the zoo, aquarium, Legoland that type of stuff.

Yes but the pace of visit to places like these for the two age groups is completely different on so many levels!! So that’s still no valid as far as I’m concerned.

Are the littles actually lavished with gifts? Or are they a bit spoiled at Christmas and get a toy from the gift shop on the way home?