Who's unreasonable?

[OnlyGin]

Ben and Sally are married and have DC together. Ben has two DC from a previous relationship as well who live with them 50% of the week.

Sally's parents are well off and like to spoil their grandchildren. They are kind to Ben's other children but don't view them as their grandchildren nor do the children think of them as their grandparents.

Sally's parents like to take her DC out regularly, buy them treats etc etc. Same with Christmas and birthdays, they get LOTS from Sally's parents. Ben's children do as well but not as much as their grandchildren.

Ben has started suggesting this is unfair. For example, this half term Sally and Ben's joint DC have been / are planning to go out to various fun amusement places with Sally's parents but Ben's other DC haven't been invited and Sally and Ben can't really afford to take them themselves, they often come back from these places with treats from the gift shop.

Ben's other children have grandparents on their mothers side who treat them the same way as Sally's parents treat her DC so Sally doesn't see the problem. She doesn't believe it's her parents responsibility to pay for all DC to go to these places and she won't make her DC miss out by saying they can't go unless they all go. She also thinks it's fine for her parents to have a unique relationship with their grandchildren especially as her step children don't see them as their grandparents anyway.

Who's unreasonable?

How many seats does the grandparent's car have?
If it's a regular five seater then there won't be room in the car for the older DC on the days out anyway.

@TheDivineOddity

How many seats does the grandparent's car have? If it's a regular five seater then there won't be room in the car for the older DC on the days out anyway.

To be fair, there is room if they went in Sally's car (which they sometimes do).

To answer the question about where Ben is, a lot of the time he's home if it's in the school holidays, but sometimes he has to arrange other childcare through the holidays if he's working or before/after school clubs in school time.

Ben is

There is nothing wrong with Sally’s folks wanting to just spend time with their grandchildren either.

Ben is being unreasonable to try to force them to create false intimacy of a grandparent/kid relationship that isn’t authentic

Ben should be mindful that encouraging a forced relationship could lead to disappointment if he & Sally break up one day, as his children at well mourn the loss of 2 people who don’t actually feel that connection with them

Ben should make more of an effort to treat his children so that when they complain he can point out the treats they get.

Is Ben wanting to offload his kids onto Sally’s folks to avoid parental responsibilities?

Why when it’s his time with them is he wanting them sent away? His kids have come to see him, that’s what his time with them is for.

If I were Sally & her folks would be saying a hard no to hosting in future - Ben’s attitude that he is owed childcare duties & automatic bonus grandparents would have put me off wanting to accomodate his requests & made me feel less like seeing his children.

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

How long have sally and Ben been together?

5 years.

Ben sounds very entitled and a bit of a dick. He should not be bulking Sally into harassing her parents to take on his children too.
What did he think would happen when he went on to have two more children with a different woman?
Have you lost respect for him yet, OP, or does he have you so beaten down that you are questioning yourself?

I mostly agree with @smoko, especially this:

There is nothing wrong with Sally’s folks wanting to just spend time with their grandchildren either.
Ben is being unreasonable to try to force them to create false intimacy of a grandparent/kid relationship that isn’t authentic

Except this:

If I were Sally & her folks would be saying a hard no to hosting in future - Ben’s attitude that he is owed childcare duties & automatic bonus grandparents would have put me off wanting to accomodate his requests & made me feel less like seeing his children.

Yes, Ben seems somewhat entitled, but I wouldn't want to see his children punished for his attitude. I think Sally's parents have the balance right as they seem to include Ben's kids in many activities. And the older kids seem accepting of the current situation, which isn't surpriding, given the age difference and the fact that their maternal GPs seem to be very caring and involved.

I'm a grandmother and it isn't always easy to be involved without risking overstepping boundaries or otherwise doing 'the wrong thing'. But if my GD's mum were to have more children with amother man, there is no way I could feel the same way about them. It would simply feel forced.

I think a bit of both. I think when Sally goes along then SOMETIMES she should take all 4 DC, regardless of grandparent preference, but not all the time.

Nope. They are not her children and they are there to see their dad, not some other children's grandparents.

they are there to see their dad, not some other children's grandparents.

I hadn’t thought of the issue this way round, but it’s a very good way to think about it!

They are not her children and they are there to see their dad, not some other children's grandparents.

They're not there every other weekend, they are there 50% of the time. Completely different scenario.

Sally IS their step-mother, and her home is also their home. I just think every now and then, Sally could bring them along as well and they could spend time with their half siblings. Not all the time, not even half the time, just some of the times, particularly if it's something they would really enjoy.

But, I can't see anywhere that Ben ever joins them? If he doesn't then why not? It would be far easier for his DC to be more a part of the extended family if he also joins in.