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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's unreasonable?

135 replies

OnlyGin · 26/10/2021 17:48

Ben and Sally are married and have DC together. Ben has two DC from a previous relationship as well who live with them 50% of the week.

Sally's parents are well off and like to spoil their grandchildren. They are kind to Ben's other children but don't view them as their grandchildren nor do the children think of them as their grandparents.

Sally's parents like to take her DC out regularly, buy them treats etc etc. Same with Christmas and birthdays, they get LOTS from Sally's parents. Ben's children do as well but not as much as their grandchildren.

Ben has started suggesting this is unfair. For example, this half term Sally and Ben's joint DC have been / are planning to go out to various fun amusement places with Sally's parents but Ben's other DC haven't been invited and Sally and Ben can't really afford to take them themselves, they often come back from these places with treats from the gift shop.

Ben's other children have grandparents on their mothers side who treat them the same way as Sally's parents treat her DC so Sally doesn't see the problem. She doesn't believe it's her parents responsibility to pay for all DC to go to these places and she won't make her DC miss out by saying they can't go unless they all go. She also thinks it's fine for her parents to have a unique relationship with their grandchildren especially as her step children don't see them as their grandparents anyway.

Who's unreasonable?

OP posts:
EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 26/10/2021 18:51

Well it's not how I'd treat my step grandchild but it is how plenty of people act

whistleryukon · 26/10/2021 18:58

Ben and his children don't get to commandeer every situation. Sally's mother and children are entitled to continue to share a nice relationship with one another without being made to feel guilty or have it tainted or undermined by other people being bitter or jealous.

If Ben's DC arrived with gifts from their family I am sure that he wouldn't expect them to hide them. What if his children's mother was very wealthy and his children were able to have a better lifestyle as a result? What if their mum or nan bought them designer clothes or a PS5? Would Ben not let them wear/use it in his house in case the other children felt sad? Or do emotions only count when it's about his kids?

Daleksatemyshed · 26/10/2021 18:58

Ben's being unreasonable. Sally's parents sound like decent people who include their SC sometmes but it's a big ask for them always to take all the DC together. There's a world of difference in paying and caring for a couple of children and taking them out and taking out three of four children together. It's hard on the DC too when they have to share their GP's but presumably don't get to see the DSC's GPs.

Notaroadrunner · 26/10/2021 19:00

Ben is definitely being unreasonable. He doesn't get to say what Sally's parents spend their money on. His kids have grandparents on his ex's side who treat them well so it's balanced. Ben should be glad that the maternal grandparents of all his kids are so good to them given his parents aren't around.

HuhWhatNow · 26/10/2021 19:00

I was a step kid, not half sibling but no way would I have batted an eye at my stepbrothers family doing things with them and not us. I knew my stepbrother's grandparents really really well but they weren't MY relatives and to treat me like a grandchild when I wasn't would have been weird.
It's the same with Sally's parents. They aren't Ben's kids grandparents. Ben is BU.

Saoirse82 · 26/10/2021 19:04

If it were my parents I know they'd include all the children. It seems cruel to take out 2 children and let then come home with gifts etc and leave 2 behind. It would be absolutely fine on the days if the eldest 2 weren't there but rather mean if I isn't. I can't imagine anyone in my family doing that and I wouldn't treat children like that either. Obviously the GPs can't be forced to take the eldest ones out so I think I'd compromise by saying they can only go out when the eldest 2 aren't there.

TillyTopper · 26/10/2021 19:10

I don't think the GPs are being unreasonable by not including all children. They consider, it's not like they ignore them and they give them presents - but maybe they don't feel able to safely cope with all children together. I don't think you force the GPs to take all kids - it's up to them. Sounds like Ben has to step up his game if he feels his kids are left out.

evrey · 26/10/2021 19:16

Very difficult for all involved, however if the GPS have to spend time with the younger children when Ben's older 2 are visiting , surely Ben could use this time to give his older children his undivided attention? Doesn't have to be anything expensive, just a picnic or something maybe?

EggsellentSmithers · 26/10/2021 19:19

It would definitely help to know if Ben’s DC are much older than the joint DC/general ages.

In theory if Ben’s DC are 12/14 and the joint DC are 8/10 then the older ones should be able to understand.

But if the younger ones are say 3/5 and the older ones 8/10 then that’s a bit harder, although not impossible to navigate, and would need some parental reminding that when they are at their mums, they have special times with their GPS that the smaller ones don’t get.

speakupattheback · 26/10/2021 19:26

Ben is unreasonable. His first DC are not the GPs' grandchildren. If my son in law had "expectations" like that then I'd have a word with him. Cheek.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 26/10/2021 19:29

Ben is BU

zoemum2006 · 26/10/2021 19:36

I don't think anyone is being unreasonable but this situation would make me uncomfortable.

All the children are siblings and it's weird for one set to be out having fun/ coming home with gifts while the other kids.....???

When Ben's older kids are at their mums, are there are no other siblings? So there isn't the same awkwardness.

I'm not saying Sally's parents should take out Ben's kids but I'd be limiting how much they could do it and try to have it be only when Ben's kids weren't there.

ThinWomansBrain · 26/10/2021 19:37

Do Ben's ex in-laws treat the children from his current relationship exactly the same as those from his first marriage?
Even if they do, you can't force it on the grandparents of the younger children - it's not as if they are treating the older ones as if they don't exist.

Stompythedinosaur · 26/10/2021 19:38

I think the set up is quite unkind and is clearly unfair. What would be your perspective if it was your dc who were the second class kids in the family?

In honesty I think blended families are rarely in the interests of the dc from previous relationships.

ThirdElephant · 26/10/2021 19:40

I know grandparents who only take one grandchild at a time because they can't manage two. Expecting Sally's parents to manage four at once is a big ask!

Chloemol · 26/10/2021 19:41

I agree with Sally

Rachie1973 · 26/10/2021 19:43

I treat my stepGC the same as my bioGC.

I suppose I just learned it from my late in laws. They treated my children exactly the same as my stepchildren.

I think it should be more discreet if it can’t be changed.

Standrewsschool · 26/10/2021 19:46

How long have Ben and Sally been together? How old are all the dc?

Looking after four kids can be difficult.

Are Ben’s doc beginning to feel excluded?

SantasLittleHoHoHo · 26/10/2021 19:50

Ben is being U! Sally's parents don't need to view the stepchildren as their own grandchildren. They're not! The step children have grandparents that do the same for them on their mums side.

Ben is only bothered because his parents aren't uber involved. Both sets of children have one super doting pair of grandparents!

funinthesun19 · 26/10/2021 19:53

Ben is unreasonable 100%.
His children with his ex already have their own maternal grandparents to spoil them and treat them the same way Sally and Ben’s shared children do with Sally’s parents.

Ben’s children really aren’t hard done by here.

Even if they didn’t have maternal grandparents, it doesn’t automatically mean Sally’s parents should fill that gap. Sometimes you just have to suck it up, even when you’re a child. What if Sally didn’t have parents and her children with Ben were missing out on a grandparent, and Ben’s older children had maternal grandparents to spoil them? Nobody would think how unfair it is on Sally’s children.

viques · 26/10/2021 19:58

If Sally’s parents plan to take their GC out on days when Bens children at at his house then surely that is the perfect opportunity for Ben to have some special time with his children? So then all the children have a great time.

Helpimfalling · 26/10/2021 19:59

Does the step children own grandparents by presents and take Ben and sally's joint child out??

As long as sallys parents buy them a Xmas presents etc and don't give to joint child in from of step kids then I don't see the issue at all!

Smashingspinster · 26/10/2021 20:01

Sally. She is obviously not interested in making a good blended family if she is allowing unequal treatment.

Terminallysleepdeprived · 26/10/2021 20:02

@onlygin Currently with Ben and Sally. But Ben works alternating shifts which mean his contact is not strictly every X Y and Z day, it can change regularly.

This alters my opinion. If Ben's children were with them then the grandparents and Sally are utterly unreasonable to have deliberately excluded them. Shifts are known far enough in advance to have either arranged for a day they weren't there or to have included them. All or nothing in this situation sorry.

Youseethethingis · 26/10/2021 20:07

Nobody is "second class", they are just not part of a grandparent/grandchild relationship with those particular people 🙄
All the kids are getting nice trips and treats from their maternal grandparents and the only inequality is the inequality Ben wants to manufacture by imposing his kids on his in law's or stopping the younger kids enjoying exactly what the older kids enjoy in their other home.