Who's unreasonable?

[OnlyGin]

Ben and Sally are married and have DC together. Ben has two DC from a previous relationship as well who live with them 50% of the week.

Sally's parents are well off and like to spoil their grandchildren. They are kind to Ben's other children but don't view them as their grandchildren nor do the children think of them as their grandparents.

Sally's parents like to take her DC out regularly, buy them treats etc etc. Same with Christmas and birthdays, they get LOTS from Sally's parents. Ben's children do as well but not as much as their grandchildren.

Ben has started suggesting this is unfair. For example, this half term Sally and Ben's joint DC have been / are planning to go out to various fun amusement places with Sally's parents but Ben's other DC haven't been invited and Sally and Ben can't really afford to take them themselves, they often come back from these places with treats from the gift shop.

Ben's other children have grandparents on their mothers side who treat them the same way as Sally's parents treat her DC so Sally doesn't see the problem. She doesn't believe it's her parents responsibility to pay for all DC to go to these places and she won't make her DC miss out by saying they can't go unless they all go. She also thinks it's fine for her parents to have a unique relationship with their grandchildren especially as her step children don't see them as their grandparents anyway.

Who's unreasonable?

I grew up in a blended family. My step-grandmother made it very very clear I was not her grandchild (she knew me from the age of 5). She wasn’t unkind but I was definitely treated differently to her ‘real’ grandchildren.

I’ve never forgotten it and indeed, remember asking my mum why I didn’t get equal Christmas presents. Not in a bratty way but more ‘doesn’t she like me?’. I wasn’t invited on ‘family days’ and it stung, leaving me feeling worth less than the other kids.

If I were a step parent and my parents treated the step kids differently, I would pull them up on it.

Sounds like Ben is very unreasonable to me.

It's unreasonable to do it when the other kids are there. When they are at mum's house it's a non issue.
I'd be very upset if my parents treated my SD like this but it's easier for me as we have fixed days that SD stays. They always include her when she's here though.

Ben is BU.
Ben needs to remember that they have the same treatment on the mother's side. They will also have a close relationship with those grandparents. Sally's DC deserve to have a close relationship with their grandparents and Sally's parents shouldn't have to stop treating the DC because of Ben.

I think the ages are relevant - if we are talking late teens compared to children under 10 - or if there is only 1-2 years difference in age.

Ben is unreasonable, especially since his kids have grandparents on their mothers side that takes them out and gives them gifts.

Ben's parents aren't around, so the children from Ben's first relationship would end up with 2 sets of grandparents taking them out and getting lots of gifts for them, while the children Ben shares with Sally only gets one set of grandparents spoiling them.

Ben is BU. I bet if the shoe was on the other foot there is no WAY he would have allowed his DC to miss days out/treats.

Ben is BU. Both sets of DC have involved GPs. Lucky kids. No need for drama.

Ben is unreasonable (and jealous!)

I think it’s Ok for Sally’s parents to treat their DGC to days out etc and not Sally’s DSC. But, I’d be very careful to not arrange things when the the DSC are at their mum’s. I know you’ve said this changes, but if Ben wants to stop his DSC feeling left out, he needs to sort that and make sure his contact is more organised.

Sorry, that should have read “careful to arrange things when the DSC are at their mum’s”.

Depends on the ages. It's tricky though.

Having said that, they are children, and if the grandparents are as well off as it sounds and they can comfortably afford it, why not include those children, just to share the love?

Unless the stepkids specifically don't wish to be involved and are old enough to make this decision for themselves. In which case Ben can suck it.

Sally’s parents are wealthy. They should be taking out all of the children on the days that they are together. If they only want to take out their bio GC they should do it on days the step-siblings aren’t around.

@samwitwicky

Depends on the ages. It's tricky though.

Having said that, they are children, and if the grandparents are as well off as it sounds and they can comfortably afford it, why not include those children, just to share the love?

Unless the stepkids specifically don't wish to be involved and are old enough to make this decision for themselves. In which case Ben can suck it.

Because they are completely entitled to have special times with their actual GC. The SC have that with their own GP's.

I think adults should treat all children equally.
Why would you not - they're children, fgs?

@dworky

I think adults should treat all children equally. Why would you not - they're children, fgs?

All children? All equal no matter what the relationships are like, how often people see each other, how old they are, what they’re interested in? Just because they’re under 18?

It's fine if they treat GC when SC are with their mum.
Giving 2 children lavish presents or taking them out to fun places whilst their siblings have to watch on or stay at home because they are not invited is very unreasonable.
If the children are young and this behaviour of having 2 treated better than the other 2 continues it will cause resentment between them as they get older.
These children are siblings who spend 50% of their time together, they won't understand why they are treated so differently, just see that their siblings are treated so much better than them.

I have two children from my first marriage, my in laws have always been kind but never treated them like grandchildren. It has bothered them at times but they do have two sets of grandparents themselves. I don't think it's unreasonable for Sally's parents to want to treat their granddaughter but I can see why Ben feels for his own children missing out. Can't the outing s be more discreet ie when his children are not there. Or Ben and Sally could do stuff with his kids, there's so many free activities for kids. It's not really about right and wrong it's more about finding a compromise.

Ben, what a horrible grabby person he is. If he wants his kids to have he should step up and provide and not shove his hand out asking for more for his other kids,

Well its complicated but it's a bit crap if Ben's dc are at Ben and Sally's house then Sally takes her children to theme park leaving other kids at home.

@Holly60

Sally’s parents are wealthy. They should be taking out all of the children on the days that they are together. If they only want to take out their bio GC they should do it on days the step-siblings aren’t around.

Why? They don’t see them as grandparents and they don’t see them as grandkids, why should they all be able to put their hands out and demand cash is spent on them?

@ThinWomansBrain

Do Ben's ex in-laws treat the children from his current relationship exactly the same as those from his first marriage? Even if they do, you can't force it on the grandparents of the younger children - it's not as if they are treating the older ones as if they don't exist.

This question is irrelevant because Ben's children from his current relationship wouldn't ever be at his ex's house.

@samwitwicky

Depends on the ages. It's tricky though.

Having said that, they are children, and if the grandparents are as well off as it sounds and they can comfortably afford it, why not include those children, just to share the love?

Unless the stepkids specifically don't wish to be involved and are old enough to make this decision for themselves. In which case Ben can suck it.

I don't think it's always about money. Sally's parents just like spending time with their grandchildren and going out with them for the day. They don't have that relationship with Ben's other DC.

Ben is BU. His children's grandparents don't treat Sally's kids equally so why should Sally's parents. Why should his kids have three sets of grandparents while Sally's only have 2?

Ages:

Ben and Sally's DC are 2 & 4.

Ben's older DC are 9 & 11.