Who's unreasonable?

[OnlyGin]

Ben and Sally are married and have DC together. Ben has two DC from a previous relationship as well who live with them 50% of the week.

Sally's parents are well off and like to spoil their grandchildren. They are kind to Ben's other children but don't view them as their grandchildren nor do the children think of them as their grandparents.

Sally's parents like to take her DC out regularly, buy them treats etc etc. Same with Christmas and birthdays, they get LOTS from Sally's parents. Ben's children do as well but not as much as their grandchildren.

Ben has started suggesting this is unfair. For example, this half term Sally and Ben's joint DC have been / are planning to go out to various fun amusement places with Sally's parents but Ben's other DC haven't been invited and Sally and Ben can't really afford to take them themselves, they often come back from these places with treats from the gift shop.

Ben's other children have grandparents on their mothers side who treat them the same way as Sally's parents treat her DC so Sally doesn't see the problem. She doesn't believe it's her parents responsibility to pay for all DC to go to these places and she won't make her DC miss out by saying they can't go unless they all go. She also thinks it's fine for her parents to have a unique relationship with their grandchildren especially as her step children don't see them as their grandparents anyway.

Who's unreasonable?

Ben is being unreasonable. Sounds like he's resenting having to parent and entertain his children instead of being able to off load cost, planning and emotional labour elsewhere

@OnlyGin

and b) because there’s no way that his kids would want to do this things a 2 and 4 year old would want to do

I think this is the issue because sometimes it can be things Ben's DC would probably enjoy too i.e. the zoo, aquarium, Legoland that type of stuff.

Yes but what they'd be doing at those places would be totally different.

For example: Legoland I know quite well.
When my youngest was 2yo, my oldest was 9yo. Yes I did take them all at times, but there were things my 9yo wanted to go on which my 2yo wasn't allowed on. If we only went on things my 2yo could go on, my 9yo could be seen looking enviously at the other rides. Splitting between the two meant they all felt they'd done a lot of queueing for the amount of rides they'd done.

Just try queueing for 30 minutes with a 2 and 4yo then explaining to them having queued then they now had to stand there and watch the others do it and they're not allowed to...

It's also a lot more work taking 4 children then 2. I used to find that any two of mine was much easier than taking all three. (And any one was easier than taking any two).

You can only be responsible for your own attitudes as a blended family. You cannot expect extended family to share your views.

Grandparents cannot be expected to take on (the extra effort and cost) of extra children on days out. With the best will in the world the step children are not their grandchildren.

They are respectful and I'd courage the children to be respectful too. This might mean leaving toys from a shop at the grandparents house for a while. Or bringing a small gift home for step children after a day out.

It's entirely reasonable that all the children have a good relationship with their maternal grandparents. And by the sounds of it they do.

Team Sally.

Leave the GP to treat their own the way they want to. They sound kind to the others, but they didn't chose to be a blended family Ben and Sally did.

Ben has offered to cover the costs. I can understand step parents not wanting cover four children but it would be polite to offer.

It's not just about money, Sally's parents would like to just spend time with their GC sometimes.

The problem with having a day out for all of them is that the little ones are really young and there’s a big difference in age and interest/ability.
I think Ben is being very unreasonable-his DC have other grandparents who treat them. Your DC only have one set. Ben’s DC already get more as they do benefit from a relationship and gifts from your parents. Do Ben’s ex’s parents treat your DC to gifts and days out?

Could you imagine having your siblings going to Legoland and you are stuck at home

The whole ideal of the blended family is lovely, but it’s unlikely to work this way in practice. The older kids do not live full time with Sally and her kids. They are therefore (the 11 and 9 year olds) likely to regard themselves as a sibling unit of 2, even if they get on really well with their younger half siblings. And it’s very unlikely that they’d want to go to Legoland and spend at least half the day queuing for the baby rides. As long as there’s kindness and sensitivity, there’s nothing wrong at all with Sally’s parents taking out their own grandkids.

What would be your perspective if it was your dc who were the second class kids in the family?

I don't think anyone's children are second class, they just happen to have different grandparents.

Someone asked if they really are "lavished" with gifts or whether it's just a few extra at Christmas and days out... I'd say Sally's DC definitely are spoilt by her parents. In material things and experiences. They also have a savings account which Sally and her parents pay into so there should be a substantial amount for them when they are 21. Ben's DC don't have this (although may do at their mum's home).

If I was Sallys parent I'd spoil all of the children the same. However I don't have a six seater car so days out might be a tad awkward?

Kids are kids and it shouldn't matter if they are his not hers, they are family and deserve as much love and attention. Especially as they are still to young to understand fully in my opinion.

Ben and Sally chose to 'blend' their families for their own benefits - the fact that this comes with significant disadvantages for the children involved shouldn't come as a shock to any of the adults in this situation, and it's not for third parties such as grandparents to rectify.

If Ben is sad that his kids feel left out, this is something he should have considered when moving in with and starting a second family with someone else. His lack of foresight and consideration for his older children is his to bear.

I think it's fine as long as Sally's patents aren't taking the grandkids out whilst step grandkids are there for their 50% of the week. I think it's mean to take two out and essentially leave two at home.

You haven't answered the question about what Ben is doing when his 2 youngest are out? If he wants his older two to come, can he not facilitate this by coming along himself? Or taking the two oldest to something more appropriate while the youngest are with GPs so there's no bad feeling?

I think the fact that the ages are so wildly different gives Sally a bit of a get out card. It would be harder to justify leaving them if they were similar ages, but even if all four were Sally's children, a day out for children ranged between 11 and 2 would be hard to manage without splitting the kids on the day so all could do what they wanted eg rides at Legoland. The GPs can't be expected to do this

@beautifullymad

You can only be responsible for your own attitudes as a blended family. You cannot expect extended family to share your views.

Grandparents cannot be expected to take on (the extra effort and cost) of extra children on days out. With the best will in the world the step children are not their grandchildren.

They are respectful and I'd courage the children to be respectful too. This might mean leaving toys from a shop at the grandparents house for a while. Or bringing a small gift home for step children after a day out.

It's entirely reasonable that all the children have a good relationship with their maternal grandparents. And by the sounds of it they do.

Very well put 👏🏻

Step-grandparents is a weird thing though and it should be entirely up to them how they handle the relationship.

When Sally's parents, and Sally are taking Ben's children out where is he? The contact time is for their relationship, not to build something with Step-grandparents.

It does seem mean, but it is a fact of life. If my Daughter had a partner with children there is no way on earth they would automatically become my new grandchildren. They have their own family.

I don't think parents are BU but I do think both parents need to manage the 'lavish gifts' better. Ensure it's not being rubbed in the faces of the other kids.

Agree Ben is being unreasonable. If Sally's parents did start to treat them all the same, would he then stop his children from previous relationship from going on holidays with their maternal grandparents, not bringing toys to the shared house their mother's parents bought them, insisting on any inheritance being shared jointly, etc. Because if he didn't then Sally's kids would be the one disadvantaged.

Agree that if Sally's parents are taking their biological grandkids out then that's the perfect opportunity for Ben to spend individual time with his own kids.

Oh and having just seen the ages can't imagine there are many days out an 11year old would enjoy as much as a 2 year old anyway!

What would be your perspective if it was your dc who were the second class kids in the family?

Hmmm. “Second class” because they don’t get absolutely everything from absolutely everybody.

Did you miss the bit where they have their own maternal grandparents to receive lovely things from and do lovely things with?

Did you miss the bit where there is an age gap? Why should Sally’s parents adapt their young-child centred days out for a 9 and 11 year old? Just for the sake of “fairness”? It will inevitably turn in to a day all about the older ones as they can speak up more than younger children. Sally’s children shouldn’t have to share their grandparents with older half siblings who have plenty of opportunities with other people.

Sally’s parents should organise these trips when Ben’s DC are with mum. Otherwise they are simply rubbing their noses in it which is quite unkind

Sally's parents are under zero obligation to run their lives in keeping with the schedule of children that aren't related to them.

Having read more of the OP's updates, it seems like Ben is hankering after the childcare, given that Sally sometimes goes out with her DC and parents. The obvious course of action is for Ben to take his own DC out to do something fun when the grandparents (+/- Sally) are taking Sally's children out. It's his responsibility to entertain them, not Sally's or her parents'. It's does comes across a bit like he can't be arsed to do that, and he's making out that it's about fairness an excuse. He's offered to pay, so it's 💯 not about cost, that's just a convenient excuse when it suits him! In the example that you gave, when Sally's parents and DC go somewhere like Legoland, and he's offered to pay, why on earth doesn't he just take them himself? It would be a better day for all the kids if he did that, but it's not better for Ben of course if he wants a day off. This isn't about them, it's about Ben, and what he wants! Definitely don't capitulate to this OP. Does he shirk his domestic responsibilities/is a selfish prick in other ways?

I think a bit of both. I think when Sally goes along then SOMETIMES she should take all 4 DC, regardless of grandparent preference, but not all the time.

I don't think it needs to be completely either/or.

Ben is being a dickhead & trying to use Sally’s parents to make up for his own parents’ lack of interest.

Ben should offer to help pay for his children to go along if he wants them included

Sally’s parents are not a bank or free babysitters.

Ben is too concerned with what’s “fair” when the children could get equal amount of treats, if he wants to pay & organise it

I think Ben is being unreasonable. Sally's parents are not obligated to include the step-children, it is pushy of him to be asking. I feel embarrassed for Sally.

How long have sally and Ben been together?