Is this annoying to others as well?

[AvonCallingBarksdale]

This really gets my goat but I’m not sure if IABU hence my question. So here goes. If I invite family members to something happening in advance, say up to 3 months (think family get together/Christmas do), the response is often along the lines of “we don’t know what we’re doing yet on that day”. Surely if you don’t already have a specific commitment then you just accept the invite, put it in the calendar and then nearer the time, if something else comes up you say “sorry, I’ll be at Avon’s that day”? What are they waiting for before saying yes? A better offer?? It happens every time! Surely you do now know what you’re going that day - you’re coming to mine.
YANBU - it’s rude and they may as well say they’re waiting on a more exciting invite
YABU - perfectly normal response

I hate it too.

And me.

It's an invitation not a summons

Sorry. It does smack a bit of 'we're waiting for a better offer. You'll do if nowt else crops up'.

What are they waiting for before saying yes? A better offer??
Yes.

I think it’s ruder to accept the invite and then get another invite and tell the first person you'll not be coming after all. If someone said yes I'd expect that to be a definite yes so can understand people saying they'll let you know closer to the time or whatever.

Yes it's rude.

hotmeatymilk

What are they waiting for before saying yes? A better offer??
Yes.

I mean, when it’s laid out in black and white like that, that’s probably what’s happening 😂. And I do a lovely spread!

I’m guilty of this but it’s because the dc often have last minute things that they absolutely have to do and we don’t have any choice about. So our plans are always confirmed quite last minute.

It may be that they are waiting for a better offer or they have loose arrangements with someone else .. so for us last year should have been our Christmas with in-laws, it got cancelled so I was waiting to see what was happening there and with husbands days off before confirming anything else.

I think people think they’re being polite by vagueing but it really leaves you hanging, doesn’t it? You’ve invited them and are now waiting for confirmation, so now you can’t accept another invitation!

Dunno what the solution is. Misanthropy and hermiting?

If it’s an invite for something relatively everyday - coffee, drinks, etc - then I’d expect to be dropped if a Big Event cane up (eg wedding or whatever) in the meantime. So I’d find it irritating but maybe others are thinking once you make a plan you stick with it regardless.

I seem to be in the minority, but it is true that three months in advance I often don’t know what I might be doing on a particular day - it isn’t waiting for a better offer, but particularly around Christmas and summer there might be school plays, child sport things, etc that haven’t been announced yet or work things that haven’t been confirmed. Unless you are specifically talking about Christmas Day.

There was a lady who was pressing me to confirm whether I was coming to her party some months in advance, and I just couldn’t because I potentially had a conference to attend that weekend but didn’t know whether I would be funded to attend or not. Obviously I could say I wasn’t coming, if she wanted a definite decision, since I didn’t know either way, but couldn’t say I definitely was.

Out of interest notanotherpushymum, like what? Not trying to be arsey but even when my DC were younger and doing silly amounts of sport/drama, if we didn’t have something on a particular day I’d accept the invite. If something came up later, the DC may well have missed their activity on that occasion and it wouldn’t have been a huge deal and they are both county level sport participants. Happy to concede I may be missing something though.

Are the people you're asking couples? Personally, this is usually code for "I want to discuss it with my partner privately to see if we both want to go or had something else in mind". Comes up quite often when juggling two sides of a family.

I think it's a bit pushy to expect them to answer on the spot.

It depends - if I was thinking of booking a holiday or waiting for dates for an annual event to be released then I would probably not want to commit to a date until I had organised the 'fixed' events. We are both self employed as well, which can make it hard to plan in advance as work can come in at any point and completely change the face of our week.

But for a big get together or special event, we would commit and work round it!

I have a friend who chronically does this and it really fucks me off.

"We don't know what we're doing on the day" is usually code for "We're waiting/hoping for a better offer".

Unless there are specific reasons for it such as they are waiting for a pre-standing family invitation which has been thrown into disarray.

It's bloody rude and I now tend to have a "one strike and you're out" policy with this.

I see what you mean, but equally, you don't get to command people's attendance by booking ridiculously in advance.

I'd take it to mean they aren't super keen, which is allowed.

At least they don't accept and then bail at the last minute when another offer comes along. My DB did this a lot and then couldn't understand why you would possibly be upset. Golden child entitlement!

I’m guilty of this but it’s because the dc often have last minute things that they absolutely have to do and we don’t have any choice about.

I can sympathise with this situation. DC grown up now but DH, DD and I all play in different amateur bands and orchestras and I know we will all be in at least one carol concert or similar in the run up, even if I don't know the exact date just yet. So I don't like to commit us to anything else until I know which dates will be free.

I also dislike this.

On the other hand, shift work rotas sometimes are made available only a week or two in advance so sometimes I'd have to say I don't know if I'm working yet.

Give a date you need confirmation by, if you don’t hear anything by then assume that they are not coming, I certainly wouldn’t chase them up either.

@TheSpiral I get that, though. If someone said “I might have a conference that day” I’d understand they couldn’t commit. It’s when it’s essentially a “we don’t have anything in the diary but for some reason won’t commit to Avon’s invite”

They’re both at (different) specialist schools and can be called upon at quite short notice, even in the holidays, for performances etc. Even holidays and collection times etc have been known to change with only a days notice.

It’s rude.

If you’re not sure for whatever reason- calendar/DH/ expecting a close family event invite surely you just say so then reply as soon as you can?

most people would want to put their children first, and that is completely understandable.
i wouldn't expect them to have to miss an event just so their parent/my pal could attend some run of the mill party, however good the spread.
children have less choice in how they live their lives, so it seems only right to put them and their unique activities first.