Is this annoying to others as well?

[AvonCallingBarksdale]

This really gets my goat but I’m not sure if IABU hence my question. So here goes. If I invite family members to something happening in advance, say up to 3 months (think family get together/Christmas do), the response is often along the lines of “we don’t know what we’re doing yet on that day”. Surely if you don’t already have a specific commitment then you just accept the invite, put it in the calendar and then nearer the time, if something else comes up you say “sorry, I’ll be at Avon’s that day”? What are they waiting for before saying yes? A better offer?? It happens every time! Surely you do now know what you’re going that day - you’re coming to mine.
YANBU - it’s rude and they may as well say they’re waiting on a more exciting invite
YABU - perfectly normal response

I think waiting for a better offer might be part of it.

Part of it is that lots of people do shift work and there isn’t one big get together on Christmas Day. Rotas might not be confirmed until later on.

@LookItsMeAgain

If it's family who come back with "I don't know what we're doing on that day" then I'd retort with "Well, you can come to mine and have A, B or C, or you can wait around for a better offer but my invite closes on X-Date so decide please. I need to know numbers". Actually put it to them that you've understood their response as they're looking for a different or better offer/invite and you're not having it.

Don't you think this is a bit unnecessarily confrontational. There are a huge list of perfectly reasonable reasons they could have said this, you'd look awful responding like this.

To me it reads as "we don't want to come but haven't thought of a good excuse yet"

Theres a woman in my life who just will not commit to Christmas Day with me.
Now I dont much care where she spends Christmas day, at all. But I would like more than 2 days notice. It basically means every year I have to be sure the food will stretch to one more person ( of course it does, its Christmas) say I do lamb shanks, I must have one extra for her in case she decides to come. Have you seen the price of lamb shanks?

I thought maybe my cooking isnt up to her standards so this year I've booked a restaurant and paid a deposit. She can come or not as she chooses and if she chooses not then the deposit will cover more. She then complained about the cost, that she is not even paying. Ffs.

In short OP yanbu but I don't know what can be done about it.
For avoidance of doubt, said woman is retired, not so many hobbies and no family within 300 miles. She just holds out for a better offer.

I understand that OP is a bit miffed at times. Is it just the vagueness of the answer that is upsetting? If they say DC might be going camping or competing in something that is fair enough. But vagueness always makes me think they are hoping to get an invite to Sandringham for Christmas.

In our family we cannot decide which day we are going to all get together because of a nurse, he doesn't get his Rotas early.

I think before jumping to the conclusion that the person you're speaking to is being awkward and just doesn't want to go, you need to consider that it could be their other family members more so than them and they simply need to discuss plans before committing.

I have a step son, so literally every time someone invites me to something on a weekend involves the need to calculate whether we will have him on that date by adding up from the day I was asked. If the date is a long way away that's much less awkward to do at home alone that evening, than taking ten minutes out there and then for some mental maths.

DP is also self employed and we're not well off enough to turn down work when it comes in, so all in all it's very difficult to pin us down for plans, though this is all due to DPs circumstances rather than mine so you might not realise it if I'm the one you're asking.

I know what you mean but I don't like to say yes until I know we can definitely make it. We were invited to a child's bday party months off and in the holidays. I didn't know if we'd be seeing a family member who we would need to prioritise. So I did say I would have to let them know in that case. I did get back to them after a few weeks.

To illustrate how quickly things can change here: last Tuesday I had zero plans for this half term which started last Friday.

Since then:
Friday: 3 youngest spent the day at FILs & the electrician came in the afternoon
Saturday: electrician came back, and solar panel guys were suddenly free to come as well.
Sunday: FILs had lunch here, DS2's best mate was over to watch the footie. DH got roped into taking them to a party afterwards (the party was organised the day before)
Monday : DD spent the day at her bestie's. We invited her for a sleepoveron Saturday but had to reschedule.
Meanwhile, we got news about timing of BIL3 & kids visiting FILs so MIL picked up 3 of our kids to go over to theirs to help & get ready for them (they are staying for a few days, MIL can't sort bedding etc)
Had to rearrange timings of 3 other things and reschedule pick ups coz DS4's bike tyre got a puncture.

Today: DS5 is going to a sleepover. the pick up time has changed twice already. DS4 went round to FILs again and I had to take DS2 to work.

Tomorrow: DH is away from noon until Thursday. first he was gonna come back in the evening but now he's staying the night.
youngest 3 are spending the day with cousins (at FILs)

Thursday: DD's bestie and 2 brothers are invited for a few hours inc lunch - no idea if they are coming or when.
DS3's friends are coming at some point for a sleepover

Friday: DS3 is going to a birthday party (I'm the taxi), DS2 is going to his friend's passing parade (cadet thing, I don't know) then they are going to London and then get this because friend's mum's got Covid he can't go home so he's staying with us for about a week!🤣
ummm, yeah, sure....

168 hours ago I had no knowledge of any of that.
How could I ever possibly make plans 3 months in advance?🤣🤣🤣

I think yabu for some occasions. Christmas is a complex Tetris type affair of two or often more families. What a family does often depends on what happened in years gone past and who was visited etc. family get together, eg big birthdays yanbu.

I think it’s ok but only if eg ‘we need to work out what’s happening with mil this year and for that we need to talk to bil and mil can I get back to you once it’s all a bit clearer ?’ In families I think that’s absolutely fine. The first steps in organising Christmas or things where some may be away on holiday etc are always tentative. I’d rarely expect someone to be able to say ‘yes’ to an early Christmas invite. Deffo don’t want someone saying yes then saying no later.

I don’t think they are being rude at all. And I don’t think it is about waiting for a ‘better’ offer. They may, if we take the Christmas example, not want to go out at that time. They may be waiting to see if grandparents etc are visiting them. They might have received other offers and aren’t sure what to do. Perhaps they have older children who haven’t yet said if they are going to be home for Christmas. And so on!

YANBU, it’s really rude.

Feeling thankful I don’t have friends/family who do this.

And it’s clearly not about expecting a yes or no response on the spot. Of course many people have to check with partners’ and families’ schedules. But you reply yes or no as soon as practical - you don’t leave people hanging.

With us it would not be waiting for a better offer, but something more important I guess. My sister might want me to commit to a party at hers on the 21st... but my daughter's birthday is round then, and daughter does trump sister.... I have a medical procedure booked in just before then, I work in retail and have no clue what shift pattern I'll be on, (and I can't just take a day off in December). They are not "better" offers, just things that are more important to factor in. So who knows if I'd be free, life is complicated.

@Tallisimo

I don’t think they are being rude at all. And I don’t think it is about waiting for a ‘better’ offer. They may, if we take the Christmas example, not want to go out at that time. They may be waiting to see if grandparents etc are visiting them. They might have received other offers and aren’t sure what to do. Perhaps they have older children who haven’t yet said if they are going to be home for Christmas. And so on!

Then you just say ‘no, thanks for the lovely invitation, but we have other plans that day, perhaps we can meet up on X, Y, Z’.

You don’t leave someone who’s issued you an invitation hanging until you deign to make up your mind.

For me it depends on how far in advance something is, I might be waiting on a hospital appointment for my child for instance and might have to tell someone I'm not sure if I can make a certain date or my shift patterns aren't set until 2 weeks in advance or I need to check my calender just in case I have made plans first. Its never that I'm waiting on a better offer just that I've had to cancel on people before because other things have come up that are unavoidable and that always makes me feel worse.

It's so fucking rude. They might as well just say 'I don't want to come/I don't want to come if literally anything else comes up that sounds better'. It's ruder even than just saying that. Everyone from now on who says this to me will be met with a response such as 'ok, you don't fancy it, I'll take your name off the list'.

And not knowing whether you have a conference/children's competition on that day or not and saying you will let the host know is fine and not the same as 'I'll decide the day before whether I can be arsed'

Urgh. My mother does this.

"Will you be coming to ours for Christmas 2023?"

Fuck sake mum, I have no idea and no I don't want to plan so far in advance!

@nc87653

Urgh. My mother does this.

"Will you be coming to ours for Christmas 2023?"

Fuck sake mum, I have no idea and no I don't want to plan so far in advance!

🤣

"my funeral be on 23rd July 2074. Save the date!!!!"

We do xmas here on xmas day. (grown up DCs, sometimes one of their boyfriends, young DCs, my mother)

Day after boxing day we go to MILs and see DHs whole side of the family.

Those two days are set in stone every year.

If i was asked to commit to another day around xmas 3 months in advance i'd be wary, tbh. I'd tell you i'd let you know nearer the time (2/3 weeks at the latest).

@AvonCallingBarksdale

This really gets my goat but I’m not sure if IABU hence my question. So here goes. If I invite family members to something happening in advance, say up to 3 months (think family get together/Christmas do), the response is often along the lines of “we don’t know what we’re doing yet on that day”. Surely if you don’t already have a specific commitment then you just accept the invite, put it in the calendar and then nearer the time, if something else comes up you say “sorry, I’ll be at Avon’s that day”? What are they waiting for before saying yes? A better offer?? It happens every time! Surely you do now know what you’re going that day - you’re coming to mine. YANBU - it’s rude and they may as well say they’re waiting on a more exciting invite YABU - perfectly normal response

Surely youdonow know what you’re going that day - you’re coming to mine.

Thats really controlling.
You cant summons people or tell them what they are going to do.
Invite them and wait to see if they accept.

YABU
It’s ridiculously controlling to try to tie people down to a date 3 months away, especially if it’s the same people you’re trying to corner each year. I hate discussing Christmas plans that far out, why not wait until November at the earliest?

I’ve got a relative who likes to book stuff in with us months in advance and it really annoys me as I’m sure they do it because they want to make sure they get first dibs on our time over the rest of our relatives, so I may not commit every single time they ask, even if nothing else is booked in yet, otherwise we end up spending all our major holidays/birthdays with them, just because they asked ridiculously early.

I have a football season ticket. Christmas games will be moved round for TV coverage so I wouldn’t commit until that was announced.

I would only confirm holidays and weddings 3 months in advance. Inviting someone 3 months in advance sounds slightly desperate ...
Although if I really wanted to go and it was one of the days right before Christmas, then I'd accept.