Is this annoying to others as well?

[AvonCallingBarksdale]

This really gets my goat but I’m not sure if IABU hence my question. So here goes. If I invite family members to something happening in advance, say up to 3 months (think family get together/Christmas do), the response is often along the lines of “we don’t know what we’re doing yet on that day”. Surely if you don’t already have a specific commitment then you just accept the invite, put it in the calendar and then nearer the time, if something else comes up you say “sorry, I’ll be at Avon’s that day”? What are they waiting for before saying yes? A better offer?? It happens every time! Surely you do now know what you’re going that day - you’re coming to mine.
YANBU - it’s rude and they may as well say they’re waiting on a more exciting invite
YABU - perfectly normal response

@bellabride

I only know my work rota a couple of weeks in advance, including Christmas Day ( HCP). I hope no one would think that I was holding out for a better offer if I couldn't commit to accepting an invitation!

But, by the time you find out the work rota, do you accept the invitation from the first person who invited you, or the invitation that most appeals, even if it was the last invitation issued?

YANBU!!!!!!!

Yanbu

Bloody rude.

If I was invited to something and wanted to go I would say yes right away, unless of course I had reason not to, like arrange childcare but I’d get back to the person ASAP. I think they either don’t want to go or just seriously laid back?? Even if laid back/ or disorganised it’s still rude. I’d rather they said no than wait on a better offer

I perhaps shouldn’t have used the 3 month figure in my OP - I wanted to convey that it’s far enough in advance that you wouldn’t necessarily have something on the diary rather than me rigidly getting my booking forms out in September for Christmas time The replies have all been food for thought. Interestingly though where people have said that their lives are busy so they wouldn’t be able to say for sure, that’s kind of why I organise some family things in advance. If I didn’t then we would end up with no spare weekends so for me organising in advance is because life is busy.

@AvonCallingBarksdale

I perhaps shouldn’t have used the 3 month figure in my OP - I wanted to convey that it’s far enough in advance that you wouldn’t necessarily have something on the diary rather than me rigidly getting my booking forms out in September for Christmas time The replies have all been food for thought. Interestingly though where people have said that their lives are busy so they wouldn’t be able to say for sure, that’s kind of why I organise some family things in advance. If I didn’t then we would end up with no spare weekends so for me organising in advance is because life is busy.

If they can't/won't confirm, I'd just carry on as though they had declined.

I'm a planner. There's no point in coming to me a week before and expecting the invitation to stand.

You've offered, they've declined, carry on.

Yes, I find that rude. If someone is kind enough to invite you to something, a) you should say yes unless there's a really good reason not tp and b ) stick to that commitment.

I guess in the case of Xmas it would not be unreasonable to say 'We'll need to check arrangements with DH's family' or whatever, as I understand there can be politics around who you are spending the day with, but at least that makes it clear you're not waiting on a better offer, you just have a genuine reason to wait for confirmation.

A particularly self-centred ex-friend did this to me when I invited her to a New Year's Eve party one year. I wasn't impressed.

@AvonCallingBarksdale

yeah, I get the "let's book something in advance now because we are too busy for spontaneity"
totally fair.

We do this too, but much like the "popping out, going out, out-out" distinctions in that Mickey Flanagan sketch we have different levels of commitment and absolutely nothing ever is set in stone.
we pencil dates in way ahead, then confirm a few days prior.
we reply to wedding or birthday party invites asap.
school, work, illness/doctor's apps trump everything if can't be rescheduled.

then we have the very casual, play it by ear, whatever dude, pffft almost non-arrangements like inviting DH's best mate over to watch a game - if he turns up then yes, he is coming🤣

I think the most important thing is to define and be aware of everyone's expectations. Then you can co-ordinate much better.
It can be exhausting with some people!
One family used to be notoriously late to everything. if we'd say to arrive at noon for 1pm lunch they'd arrive anywhere between 1.15pm - 3pm. ffs.
Soon they'd be told that lunch WILL be served at 1pm and we won't hesitate to start on time without them.
or would ask them to arrive at 4pm when we wanted them to be there at 6pm.🤣

When I ask my dad if he is coming for Xmas dinner he always tells me yes unless a better offer comes his way. Unfortunately no better offer is coming his way because nobody else in the family bloody want him.

If you are the type who tends to ask earlier than most though, it can get a bit frustrating for those who don't want to be rude and accept only to back out later. I have a friend who books me months in advance and often it's actually quite annoying and I end up missing other things I'd have probably liked to go to because she booked up all my dates when she knew my diary would be empty.

@Pedalpushers

If you are the type who tends to ask earlier than most though, it can get a bit frustrating for those who don't want to be rude and accept only to back out later. I have a friend who books me months in advance and often it's actually quite annoying and I end up missing other things I'd have probably liked to go to because she booked up all my dates when she knew my diary would be empty.

oh yeah, I know people who like to call dibs on certain days.

yikes. I refuse to play along and it definitely gets a "gosh, I just can't commit to anything that much in advance" reply from me.
nobody is entitled to my time just because they asked first

My in-laws do this and I think it terribly rude. My DH excuses their behaviour but he knows. I don’t invite any more and when I’m invited to my family I always accept or decline within a week. This is so my DH can engage with his family if he wishes. But it has caused upset and offence so now I don’t bother.

For us is anxiety driven. My DH suffers with social anxiety and has done as long as I’ve known him.
This does not stop him from doing everything but does mean he has to often prime himself. Once in a while that’s ok, but too often in a short space of time can cause him difficulties.
To use Xmas as an example, someone may invite us to something now for the 18th Dec. If the school plays/concerts etc aren’t yet published, we may not be able to commit in case the plays etc are 15th/16th/17th. He may feel absolutely in control and be able to do it all. But he may not.

However, I will say if it was something like Xmas dinner (despite us declining as through choice we both like to be at home) , we would always respond straightaway.

Interesting. It’s never actually occurred to me that people may be irritated or thinking I’m trying to get first dibs on their time For Christmas (Boxing Day or the in between days), I’m genuinely inviting (at what now might be considered too early) so that we can get everyone together. I’m offering to host and want to get the date set before “life” gets in the way. This has been a real eye opener into how that may be being perceived!

My feeling and what I see working for families I’m involved with is that a core group of around 3 households agree they want to get together. Then agree a mutually convenient date between them. Then others are invited on that date.
If you get vague replies at that point it’s ok until closer to the time because the core group are committed.

OP i think that (as is quite normal for a long thread) a lot of different issues are being all mixed up.

In your OP you say family get together/xmas 'do'.

I think if you said specifically that you are trying to sort out xmas DAY and want to start working out who's coming and who's not then you would have had less of a mixed bag of answers.

I think most people know or are happy to decide where they are going to be on xmas DAY by October.

For more general get togethers (even if they're xmas related) i'm not surprised there's a mixed response. Planning for a random weekend 3 months ahead is a god send for some - nightmare for others.

I’ve always seen Christmas arrangements with family as a collaborative first period where everyone tentatively discusses what might work. Then a period of everyone trying to sort out their own availability and in laws/children plans and how that may have to affect things. Including working out whether there are actual ‘duties’ affecting things -ie ‘we haven’t spent Christmas with my mum for a couple of years and I think we should this year’-type things.
Then it all kind of works itself out.
Christmas is the very worst time to issue an early invite and assume people can just respond early. As part of the family or group you have to be part of the weave surely ?

It's rude to prevaricate and I'd revoke the invitation.

I guess for a lot of people there are a number of things to weigh in that mean you can't immediately say yes or no. For a date near to Christmas, but bit actual Christmas day, it might be:

• Need to check with DH
• Are we going to pre-Christmas event in local city this year....we usually do and have talked about it but not yet booked.
• If DD qualifies for season final in her team sport this year, then it's usually around that time but I'm not sure at this moment precisely when
• What are expectations of DH half of family who live more scattered around and are more difficult to coordinate
• If DD doesn't qualify for final, that might also be school Christmas fair and in year 6 they are asked to man a stall, and she's already planning it with her group
• Are we doing our own friends pre-Christmas party this year, and if so when were we thinking?

None of them are necessarily 'a better offer' than your thing in a mercenary sense it's just it's a busy time of year and there are a lot of people who could potentially be impacted by me saying a pre-emptive yes on behalf of my whole family.

I guess when I'm arranging that kind of family thing, I don't say.... I'm doing a thing in December 17 can you come yes or no,? I might say... is like to have the gang around near Christmas, what dates are likely to work, shall we try and pencil something in now and see how it fits once everybody knows what else they are working around.

I have a friend who does this all the time. The funny thing is she ALWAYS comes as she never gets a better offer.

Whilst it does sound a bit like waiting for a better offer, I think sometimes people (not nec you OP) try to book your time too far in advance and it can be ok to say you’re not sure yet. For example I wouldn’t want to commit in October to something on New Years Eve. There are things I’d genuinely rather decide about much nearer the time.

I had a friend who made it very clear that I was on her B list of friends and she’d only spare me her time if her A list friends weren’t available.
“Not sure if I can come over that weekend, I haven’t heard from Flopsy and Mopsy yet”.
“I might be going out with Flopsy and Mopsy that day, I’ll let you know”.
It wasn’t pleasant but at least I knew where I stood!