Is this annoying to others as well?

[AvonCallingBarksdale]

This really gets my goat but I’m not sure if IABU hence my question. So here goes. If I invite family members to something happening in advance, say up to 3 months (think family get together/Christmas do), the response is often along the lines of “we don’t know what we’re doing yet on that day”. Surely if you don’t already have a specific commitment then you just accept the invite, put it in the calendar and then nearer the time, if something else comes up you say “sorry, I’ll be at Avon’s that day”? What are they waiting for before saying yes? A better offer?? It happens every time! Surely you do now know what you’re going that day - you’re coming to mine.
YANBU - it’s rude and they may as well say they’re waiting on a more exciting invite
YABU - perfectly normal response

I'm often reluctant to commit to things months in advance because:

1. Sometimes we have plans with someone else where we are waiting for a firm date.
2. My husband works one weekend a month and only finds out which weekend he's working one month before
3. In the past we've taken too much on by planning ahead too much and so I try not to do this if possible. There's always exceptions (see no 1) but these are usually due to the fact that we live near neither of our families so everything involves a bit of planning/logistics.

I can appreciate that it can sound rude though. This is why my heart sinks when we (frequently) get asked to do this.

Then you just say ‘no, thanks for the lovely invitation, but we have other plans that day, perhaps we can meet up on X, Y, Z’.

But I don't want to pretend I have plans when I don't! If I'm not sure what we're doing, then I will tell anyone who asks that - if they need confirmation immediately, then I will bow out, but if they can wait then I get back to them when I know more.

Some posters seem to be trying to make arrangements in a very rigid fashion - spending time with someone should be mutually convenient and may involve a bit of back and forth to find a date that works. I've never made arrangements that relied so heavily on a specific date and a specific person's attendance that there wasn't room for a bit of discussion on both sides.

I won’t commit to Christmas 3 months ahead. Not because I’m waiting for a “better” offer as such, but because it’s not fair if the ridiculously organised types that want to pin everything down in August always get preference under a pretence of “being organised”. I’ll happily commit a few weeks ahead but if it’s the same family member who does this to me every bloody year I’d be miffed to find out she was upset at me for not always instantly accepting her invitation just because she’s anal and wants to meal plan Christmas before the schools even go back. Sometimes I have to give a bit of time for other family members to get their shift patterns or child contact arrangements etc sorted before we work out a plan to try and keep everyone happy or at least give everyone a turn.

Bluntly, Christmas is not “first come first serve”.

I can happily commit far in advance but DH is so reluctant to. It makes things so difficult but really isn’t something I can control

@Terfydactyl

Theres a woman in my life who just will not commit to Christmas Day with me. Now I dont much care where she spends Christmas day, at all. But I would like more than 2 days notice. It basically means every year I have to be sure the food will stretch to one more person ( of course it does, its Christmas) say I do lamb shanks, I must have one extra for her in case she decides to come. Have you seen the price of lamb shanks?

I thought maybe my cooking isnt up to her standards so this year I've booked a restaurant and paid a deposit. She can come or not as she chooses and if she chooses not then the deposit will cover more. She then complained about the cost, that she is not even paying. Ffs.

In short OP yanbu but I don't know what can be done about it.
For avoidance of doubt, said woman is retired, not so many hobbies and no family within 300 miles. She just holds out for a better offer.

I'd stop inviting her. Even if it's your mother! I don't know why you'd want that kind of negativity going on.

As for lamb shanks - this is why people have never ending turkey

Thats really controlling.
You cant summons people or tell them what they are going to do.

Oof, blimey… my OP is written with a slightly self-deprecating, humorous tone (I hope). But, yes I see your point.

Yes, really fucks me off.
I don't see a problem with booking in things in advance even if you've got children etc.
If something else crops up nearer to the date then tough shit. Why isn't honouring commitments a thing anymore. 🙄

Well, as an example...if you invited me on a Saturday and my children had an activity on that day I'd probably be happy for them to miss the activity to come to your event, but if I don't know when the medal tests/exams will be yet I will need to wait and see, because I wouldn't be happy for them to miss that.

@AvonCallingBarksdale

Thats really controlling. You cant summons people or tell them what they are going to do.

Oof, blimey… my OP is written with a slightly self-deprecating, humorous tone (I hope). But, yes I see your point.

Sorry I didnt read it as humorous 😬 But still they might need to check what other people are doing, are their adult DC planning on being at home. School stuff and work obligations etc. Sometimes people just dont know what else they have on.

It is being organised though, it’s not a pretence of it.

People who like to know what they’re doing aren’t wrong just because you like to decide at the last minute (a few weeks before Christmas is very last minute).

OP, it does sound a bit like that, but as some pp have shown, it isn’t always. It would help if they said something like “oh the dc might have xyz so I can’t say for sure”

I was guilty of doing this recently but in retrospect I should have just said I didn’t want to go! A friend wanted me to go to a tribute night for an artist I had no interest in and I should have just said a firm no rather than dithering.

I think it's so fucking rude. Just say 'sorry, I can't make it.' It's not fair to keep the other person dangling.

I've experienced this so many times, it's infuriating. The "best" one though, was when I invited someone to my wedding. The whole shebang, not an evening invite or anything...the whole day. "Oh, we'll have to see what we're doing that day, before we commit ourselves " ....never invited them to anything again

Same with Christmas, it’s fine to say “oh I can’t commit yet, you go ahead an make your plans” (words to that effect, not exactly that) or even “no thanks” if that’s what you want. But you can’t expect people to hang about til November waiting to see if you want to join them.

First come, first served is the expressed

@iklboogiemaninthecloset

It's an invitation not a summons

Sorry. It does smack a bit of 'we're waiting for a better offer. You'll do if nowt else crops up'.

I'm the type of person who if I say i'll be somewhere i'll be there, so I might give an answer like that rather than commit. Better than agreeing and then pulling out last minute because you can't be arsed/have a better offer.

@MMAMPWGHAP

I have a football season ticket. Christmas games will be moved round for TV coverage so I wouldn’t commit until that was announced.

Ha ha! We have that in our house every year.

Me: Shall we go away somewhere between Christmas and New Year?

DH (looking a bit shifty): Ummm....

I agree in that it totally sounds as though you are waiting for a better offfer. ... if you have a sick relative, a DC that plays county sport, an unpredictable work schedule etc etc (I have all those factors in my life) then the polite thing is just to decline.

Some people just don’t plan that far in advance. It’s less they are waiting for a better invite and more like that time is too far away to be thinking about yet. I can see that logically that doesn’t make sense but imagine someone invited you to something in seven years time, it feels a bit like that.

OP, I don't think it's necessarily rude or that they are holding out for a better invite necessarily.

I'm usually pretty good at accepting invites during the year but find it difficult in the run up to Christmas for a number of reasons especially for Friday nights and Saturday due to work commitments. Most of these dates will only be confirmed in the next 2 weeks.

I also consider it very rude to accept something until I'm 99% certain I can attend.

I can only imagine how difficult it is for someone with children or other dependents to commit to something so far in advance.

Why isn't honouring commitments a thing anymore

For some of us it is... and that is precisely why we won't commit until we are sure.

Seriously though, we've done almost exactly this because it's being done to us. We've invited BIL and SIL who are waiting to find out what their adult children are doing. We've since had the "Sandringham" offer and really want to go but we explained we are being dangled ourselves and the host is fine with that.

It's rude and I'd take it as a no.

However... They might come back to you and then you have to tell them that plans have changed.

@HunterHearstHelmsley

It's rude and I'd take it as a no.

However... They might come back to you and then you have to tell them that plans have changed.

To be clear, I don't feel guilty if someone ends up on their own because they wouldn't commit but some people might. If they're not coming, I want to invite others. I'm not going to hang around for someone to make up their mind.

It’s rude

‘Fancy a coffee next week?’

‘Well it depends on what I’m doing’

Wtf!

@Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername

I've experienced this so many times, it's infuriating. The "best" one though, was when I invited someone to my wedding. The whole shebang, not an evening invite or anything...the whole day. "Oh, we'll have to see what we're doing that day, before we commit ourselves " ....never invited them to anything again

This. This is a prime example of the 'we aren't sure what we're doing yet' cohort. And this particular cohort are always just doing something like 'my mum (who lives 5 doors down and visits every day) is coming over'

“First come, first served is the expressed”

The absolute irony.

You want to organise your Christmas in August, that’s fine. Maybe yours involves flights, accommodation, a very special turkey, lots of people…. The person I’m talking about lives down the road, has an entirely local family, is not cooking anything fancier than a standard turkey dinner and just wants to monopolise us (or more specifically my young children) by being “organised” in August knowing full bloody well that the other side of the family just can’t plan I that far ahead. She’s been known to bring it up at Easter Sunday lunch. There is absolutely nothing for her to need to organise that far ahead. I’ll happily commit in November. Or not, I’d very happily just decline completely and have Christmas at home if needs be so she can finalise her table plan in August, but funnily enough she doesn’t want that.