Is this annoying to others as well?

[AvonCallingBarksdale]

This really gets my goat but I’m not sure if IABU hence my question. So here goes. If I invite family members to something happening in advance, say up to 3 months (think family get together/Christmas do), the response is often along the lines of “we don’t know what we’re doing yet on that day”. Surely if you don’t already have a specific commitment then you just accept the invite, put it in the calendar and then nearer the time, if something else comes up you say “sorry, I’ll be at Avon’s that day”? What are they waiting for before saying yes? A better offer?? It happens every time! Surely you do now know what you’re going that day - you’re coming to mine.
YANBU - it’s rude and they may as well say they’re waiting on a more exciting invite
YABU - perfectly normal response

@dailydreamin

Yes to be honest OP I only say this when I actually don't want to go...sorry It's their way of saying no really

this^^ Its my way of saying "I would sooner poke my eyes out with a rusty nail" but don't want to say that.

My dm will say in July, are you coming here for Xmas. I do say, we don't know yet, because we have to consider dh's side of the family. We can't mix them, as dm is offensive. So it's a delicate balance usually of seeing which of my siblings and which of his siblings are around. Which nobody knows in July. Sometimes people aren't free to do as they please.

@Albertinier

My dm will say in July, are you coming here for Xmas. I do say, we don't know yet, because we have to consider dh's side of the family. We can't mix them, as dm is offensive. So it's a delicate balance usually of seeing which of my siblings and which of his siblings are around. Which nobody knows in July. Sometimes people aren't free to do as they please.

So you alternate and everyone knows where you stand.

I find if you don’t plan stuff, you end up either not doing it (as you can’t get the same day free), or everything you want to do is booked up, or it ends up being stressful as it’s done at the last minute.

Yeah, YANBU, it's really fucking rude.

Friend A does this and I don't mind as both she & her husband work shifts and don't know their rota far in advance so just can't commit.
Friend B does this and I don't mind as she's a musician so may well end up working and she'd rather turn down an invitation months in advance than cancel at the last minute whereas, unless I'm forking out money for tickets, I don't mind waiting to see for her
Friend C has anxiety and so doesn't commit to anything in advance. This slightly annoys me as she won't even give any indication as to whether she has other plans/invitations for that evening or if she'd like to do it if she's feeling OK.
Brother doesn't commit as he likes to see if he gets a better offer
Friend D commits but will pull out at the last minute if her "D"H decides he wants to spend the evening with her instead
Friend E commits, makes a massive song & dance about really looking forward to it etc which you feel obliged to play along with only for her to pull out at the last minute most of the time. Presumably also anxiety related and I've realised I've said I find Friend C slightly annoying but I do feel there should be some sort of half way house such as "I'd love to come and, if I'm up to it, I will but I won't know until nearer the time".
Friend F commits and turns up but only for a random part of the event as she has also agreed to go to 2 other things the same evening.
I also have a lot of friends who agree to something and turn up as agreed, often moving heaven & earth to do so. Unsurprisingly, they are the friends I see the most.
And I do try to support friends C, D & E in various ways.

You don't if the number of siblings on both sides isn't even. Also, we have health workers who don't know until December what their shift pattern is.

In our family, we rotate hosting Christmas amongst us - and there’s a fair number of us, so yes, discussions do start a lot earlier than October / November.

I think the waters are getting very muddied by some of these responses.

Christmas is being used as an example, but I don’t think it’s that often that people are inviting folks to things months in advance. Are they?

Also, of course most people can’t give a ‘yes’ / ‘no’ on the spot, and will have to check with calendars / family members.

This is very different from the, ‘oh, I don’t know what I’ll be doing on that date yet, maybe…’ flakey brigade.

Yes, we invite / get invited to stuff all the time where there’s inevitably a bit of back and forth to establish a date / agree / confirm. That’s normal. But there’s a general air of willingness to commit, and we reasonably quickly mutually agree a date.

I feel like I’m really lucky that my friends and family don’t do the whole flakey non-committing thing.

this^^ Its my way of saying "I would sooner poke my eyes out with a rusty nail" but don't want to say that.

You get invitations from people where you’d rather poke your eyes out with a rusty nail?

Why? I mean, if they’re that bad, why are you even close enough to get the invitation in the first place?

Again, feeling like I’m some kind of odd exception who has friends and family I like and look forward to hanging out with.

The scenario in op has never once happened to me, so I don't know if I'd be irritated by it or not.

But if you're making an invitation to a party or get together (3 months in advance is too long imo, 6 weeks maybe OK) then I'd expect people to either accept or decline.

Aside from Christmas, which we seem to have to plan a long time in advance to keep DH's side of the family happy, I usually extend invitations about 2 or 3 weeks away from when the event is happening.

If I say that it's usually because I can foresee potential issues and I don't like to sign up to plans and cancel. I'd much rather look at the likely demands on our time and plan appropriately.

For example, I couldn't commit to a Christmas date until I'd got my Christmas concert rehearsal schedules given to me. DH has his own interests and commitments that usually involve one weekend day in December. We need to make sure one of us it around for DC. We need to factor in seeing both sides of the family around the festive period. We both work. Quite quickly that adds up to a lot of people to fit into a small window.

The fact I wouldn't be able to say yes to a Friday night event on 18th December when asked in August doesn't mean anything more than I need to look at the commitments of the whole family.

“we don’t know what we’re doing yet on that day”.

excellent, then you'll be accepting my kind invitation. seeing you haven't got anything else on - Ill count you in, great stuff.

Unless of course your going to turn down a free afternoon/evening with Avon - which would be so rude

I can see both sides, one side it's like ok it's far away for the person to be already booked up so make that proposal your plan but on the other hand my mother in law without fail asks us every year what we are doing for xmas dinner all the way in October knowing we usually like to take it in turns at my mums and it really annoys me that she isn't taking into consideration that I may want to go to my mums and why does she think I will already know what I want to do for christmas dinner 3 months in advance

I only know my work rota a couple of weeks in advance, including Christmas Day ( HCP).
I hope no one would think that I was holding out for a better offer if I couldn't commit to accepting an invitation!

@621CustardCream438 it’s not really, I was going to correct the obviously autocorrect fail, and my son disturbed me.

It’s not that I don’t know the expression!

YANBU. It’s rude, and all of the oh-so-special-and-unusual exceptional circumstances people trot out are really very easy to manage.

We’d like to but we’ve already got something pencilled in- so say that and say you’ll confirm asap. Speak to pencilled-in people and say you need to know if this is going ahead because if not you have another invitation.

We’d like to but we don’t get given work shifts this far in advance- so you accept with the caveat that you might have to back out if working, and agree when you’ll confirm.

We’ve spent three Christmases in a row with you because you always ask first- so you say that it’s really time you spent it with X instead and you’ll need to check with them first.

We’d like to but might be needed to take kids to their last-minute activities- your kids will grow up to be better people if they learn that they don’t always come first.

We’d like to but we might need to arrange other things because life happens- ok, really slowly this time. This. Is. Why. People. Try. And. Arrange. Things. In. Advance. Because otherwise they don’t fucking happen, because life is busy and complicated, and if you want to do something you have to make time for it and stick to it.

I feel your pain, OP.

As for lamb shanks - this is why people havenever endingturkey

I love turkey, sadly no one else in the family does. Even a turkey crown would be a bit big for just me.
Buuuutt weve had steak, beef Wellington, salmon, lobster, rack of lamb, lamb shanks and many many other things.

I think rude most of the time, but must admit to finding it hard to commit if the invite is for a date during school holidays as we sometimes like to plan a last minute holiday away. I do explain this is why I can't give a definite yes though!

An example of above, my DM keeps talking about Easter at theirs next year, we're hoping to go abroad at Easter, but are waiting to see what's happening covid wise so probably won't know if we are going away until much nearer the time.

@AvonCallingBarksdale I would reply with this if I really wasn't keen to go and didn't want to commit. If I was okay about going but could potentially have something else for work or a child's thing but didn't have confirmed dates I would tell the truth and say that. If someone replied we don't know what we are doing I would cross them off the list 🤣

IdLoveToButCantBeArsed
Unless it's a big event, part of me finds it a little irritating if people regularly expect me to know what the whole family will be able to sign up to several months in advance.

Things can, and do, change with family life and I've no doubt that the people who get annoyed if you're honest and say you dont know yet would also be moaning if you said yes but 3 months later DC's fixtures have been moved and your DH is having to pick up extra shifts and you have to reschedule.

Well I think it comes down to some people don't want to be organised by someone else. What you are saying is that you want to do X and if you ask early enough, the person you invite cannot say no.

I used to hate this when I was married. In laws were like you. Get in 3 months in advance but my lot were more spontaneous. Was really hard work accomodating both families. Maybe it's easier if you live nearby but both sets were far away.

With Xmas period etc, you have to accept people will get a few invites and then have to work out how it fits together. It's not a question of a better off but working out a plan. You'll have to be patient!

They are clearly waiting for an offer they find more exciting.

I can't commit so far in advance, especially around an event like Christmas. This would also require my dh input and what my family would like to do. We would need to discuss that with dh and dc before I can commit to anyone. Honestly, our lives are pretty busy and I don't know in advance how I feel closer to the time. It may not even be a case of a better offer, more like in my case just not wanting to do anything.

For me it's because I don't know if I'll be working so don't plan ahead that far.

YABU

You imply it has happened more than once, have they always turned up? If not, they don't like coming but are trying not to offend you at the same time.