Is this annoying to others as well?

[AvonCallingBarksdale]

This really gets my goat but I’m not sure if IABU hence my question. So here goes. If I invite family members to something happening in advance, say up to 3 months (think family get together/Christmas do), the response is often along the lines of “we don’t know what we’re doing yet on that day”. Surely if you don’t already have a specific commitment then you just accept the invite, put it in the calendar and then nearer the time, if something else comes up you say “sorry, I’ll be at Avon’s that day”? What are they waiting for before saying yes? A better offer?? It happens every time! Surely you do now know what you’re going that day - you’re coming to mine.
YANBU - it’s rude and they may as well say they’re waiting on a more exciting invite
YABU - perfectly normal response

For most things, yes, you should get on and either accept or decline.

However Christmas is a bit different. When my family start discussing meeting up around Christmas, we know that we may need to check things out with the other sides of the respective families before agreeing anything. My in-laws are at a distance, so whether we visit them or they visit us has to be decided before we know if we can say yes or no to shorter visits to closer relatives.

There are also complications this year, because families who have had long-standing alternations had a spanner thrown in the works last year. Somebody posted that one side of the family had shifted the alternation by a year, and the other side was carrying on as before - leaving them with a problem. So there's probably more negotiation to be done this year than usual.

Thanks for all the responses btw, interesting to see alternative sides

I will often say I can’t commit more than a
month in advance, especially around Xmas. It’s because I have a lot of music concerts and gigs that I’m involved in and those need to take priority over social things. (Especially as many are paid!) I’d imagine people who work shifts would also find it difficult to commit a lot in advance.

It depends .. sometimes if i'm asked the question and i'm away from home and can't check the calendar then that will be my answer...

My MIL does this, although it’s rarely with that much notice. Christmas lunch for example : surely she knows I discussed it with SIL -and I lost- so she’s not getting any other invitations🤷🏻‍♀️
Very rude.

I agree with @aSofaNearYou, this sounds like whoever has been asked has to take other factors for other people into consideration. I wouldn’t accept an invite for the whole family or myself and DP without checking that everyone was definitely free and sometimes that means that they have to go and check with people they would prioritise but may not have arranged anything with yet.

For example I wouldn’t accept a friends invite for a party if I knew it fell on MIL’s birthday weekend without asking DP to check she hadn’t been planning something for the same night.

It’s not necessarily waiting for something better it’s more trying to balance everyone’s wants.

Hmm so sometimes my mum asks me if I can do something on a certain weekend and I will say I'm not sure what we're doing yet meaning I might be needed for running kids somewhere... it's not always strictly up to me to accept an invite just because I am technically free.

But generally speaking and especially for things like Christmas you're right it's annoying!

Keeping everyone in a family reasonably happy, can be tricky. I’ve learned to go with the flow and accept that family dynamics can result in difficult choices. Every couple has parents and in-laws and keeping both sides satisfied can be a nightmare. Just chill.

My husband is terrible for this but say for example its 2022 he says he wont know til nearer the date!! But my sister is the type needs to know now. But its annoying yes

Yes to be honest OP I only say this when I actually don't want to go...sorry
It's their way of saying no really

I'm guilty of using that kind of line, but my family know what I mean by it.

My partner is a delivery driver for a retail company so doesn't get weekend/bank holidays off and frequently has to work boxing day. He's only allowed to book 1 day of annual leave in December also, as it's a busy month for them. To compound matters, his boss usually only put his rotas up around 1-2 weeks in advance (even around Christmas, which is a pain on the arse).

So often when we're invited somewhere - say, a relative's house on boxing day - I'll say I'd love to come but I don't know what we're doing over Christmas yet, or words to that effect.

Same thing applies to a lesser extent throughout the year. Obviously, if it's a big event like a wedding or birthday then he'll book a day's holiday for it, but if someone invites us for a meal or drinks in two weeks time then I often have to say I'll let them know when his rotas go up and I know what we're doing.

YANBU. It’s rude

I would just respond ok I will assume you can’t come then and leave it at that

YANBU but there are some extenuating circumstances.

My dad has been diagnosed with MND. We've had 5 close calls this year with blue lights to hospital, but we're hopeful to see out the year with him here at the moment so every invitation I'm getting currently is a tentative response.

If anything comes up for my dad, including him requesting a day with me for spurious reasons that becomes my plan for the day.

I'm guessing though your respondees don't have this sort of black cloud threatening to devour their lives so YANBU because it is just rude for ordinary circumstances.

3 months is a very long time in advance. Why do you need to make it so long?

I think the real issue for me with family around Christmas is that I can’t help but take it as an indication that I’m not enough of a “pull” to be the first choice. That’s possibly reading too much into it I guess
(Aware that makes me sound v needy )

@ProudMaiasaura best wishes to you and your dad
@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy - not specifically three months, just using that as a ballpark figure to illustrate longer than a last-minute invite

I often can’t commit that far in advance due to my childrens dancing. If they had rehearsal/festival etc then that would have to take precedence. But if I knew there was nothing like that ahead then yes, I would commit straight away xx

I am extremely vague about committing to dates around Christmas.

We live 3 hours from nearly everyone else in the family and need to juggle timings: have to factor in DF's health and preferences as we stay with him; DB's divorced so when will he have the girls so the cousins can get together; DB has also remarried and his new wife has to factor in her own kids and where they'll be; BIL and SIL travel too, so can we fit with their dates visiting PIL (no as they work in retail so it's a nightmare) and PIL get freaked out by seeing too many of us at once. DC have their own social and work commitments as teens and young adults.

It's a logistical nightmare, and until I've got everyone's dates I can't plan for us, so I stay vague for a good while and firm up when I know where we'll be. We're the modt flexible of the bunch because we don't have blended family or work restrictions, so we fit in around the others.

@AvonCallingBarksdale, honestly I think it’s quite likely you are reading too much into it. Christmas is a funny time and I could well imagine that people are balancing a lot of others wants/needs at the detriment of their own actual wants.

If it's family who come back with "I don't know what we're doing on that day" then I'd retort with "Well, you can come to mine and have A, B or C, or you can wait around for a better offer but my invite closes on X-Date so decide please. I need to know numbers".
Actually put it to them that you've understood their response as they're looking for a different or better offer/invite and you're not having it.

I hate making too many arrangements well ahead of time for various reasons.

1: I hate having to cancel stuff even more.
we have lots of kids so the potential for someone getting ill or injured is greater than say in a 4-person family.
I've lost count how many times we had to cancel or reschedule stuff because of that.
I'd rather just wait and see if everyone is ok and we can go.

2: I often don't want to commit to anything if I don't absolutely have to (I'm not going into reasons why).

3: I have had people cancel or alter plans far too many times, because they had something better come up, so I just don't trust them anymore to keep their word.

4: my periods are horrendous. they are fairly regular but can easily be off by a week over a 3m period so no, I'm not planning a day out for when I could potentially be bed bound. let's just wait and see nearer the time

5: I like and need to do things spontaneously. (it's a complex issue for me so again, not going into it)

the list goes on but those are usually the main reasons.
Of course I will commit in advance to bigger occasions like a wedding or a birthday party (especially if we are hosting) or who & when are coming for Christmas etc and any kind of doctor's appointments or kids' school related things.
But that's enough.

Hope this helps to understanding - well, if you are intending to understand, not just having a rant🤣

@LookItsMeAgain brilliant! Would set off a whole new set of kerfuffles with my family though

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba . Honestly I am trying to understand - that’s why I asked. Alternative perspectives are really helpful for me - I tend to be a bit black and white and can get unnecessarily upset, so it’s very useful thank you.

Yeah basically don't want to make plans just incase something better comes along.

Though some people don't like to be tied down to things (me) - I wouldn't want to say yes to something months in advance and then when the time comes, not feel like doing it anymore and then have to cancel etc.

If they said: "Thanks so much for the invite, it's something I'd love to come to. I'd like to wait until nearer the time to confirm though. When is the latest you'd like to know by?" I wouldn't mind at all.

If they said: "It's a long way off, I'm not sure what I'm doing that day" I think I'd tell them to sod off.