To stay with my baby at the childminder's?

[anxiousmummy2021]

NC for this thread.

I'm a highly anxious new mum (diagnosed with postnatal anxiety and depression). I've been struggling a lot but the biggest fear I have is of leaving my baby with anyone else. She's 7 months and so far I've left her only with her father for up to an hour or so at a time. I can't bear to leave her with anyone else or for any longer than that.

I have to go back to work in the new year. Childminder lined up - all good, very happy with her from first impressions. We have taster sessions booked in for November where the plan is for me to take her and leave her for a few hours to half a day initially, then progress to a couple full days in early December.

The thing is, I just can't face leaving her yet, not even for a few hours. Would it be completely weird of me to ask the childminder if I can stay for those first few hours to ease her in, then try leaving her on the next taster session? I don't want it to seem to the childminder as though I don't trust her or wanting to "observe" her, because this is absolutely not the case at all - I've researched enough about her and got good enough impressions from her to feel like she's the best possible person for my baby. But I also don't want to tell her the details of my severe anxiety. Will she be used to parents wanting to do this? Or will it come across as offensive or strange?

Please - no comments along the lines of "why did you have a baby if you're going to dump her in childcare" etc. I've seen them before on threads like these and I honestly have no time or emotional energy for them so I will completely ignore any such comments. I'm simply looking for views on staying with my baby at her settling in sessions and how to approach this with the childminder so as not to offend her!

Many thanks.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

She has said multiple times that she is seeing a therapist.
You can click on "see all" to just read the OP's posts.

I'm sorry you're finding this so tough.

I read this comment

possible I could stay at her house with my baby even if the others went out

and thought it was bonkers, you want to go to the cm's house then stay there when everyone else goes out?

But from reading all your other posts I can see that your anxiety is very real and I'm sorry you are dealing with that. It must be very hard.

You need to talk to the cm up front and tell her you are struggling with anxiety about leaving your baby. She will have heard it all before.

You know staying in her house for longer is not going to make the leaving any easier when the time comes. Work with her to do lots of drop offs and staying away just for half an hour.

Imagine your baby's face light up when you walk in the room to collect her at the end of the session. That was always my favourite part of the day. Some days they wouldn't realise I was there and I would watch them playing for a minute until they spotted me. Now they just walk home themselves, I miss those days. Their faces only light up for cold hard xbox vouchers these days.

Take care of yourself, please speak to the childminder. You'll feel better once she understands how you are feeling and you can come up with a plan together. Or send her an email so she can read it without you being there and arrange a time to call and have a chat.

Good luck. Settling your baby in childcare is hard.

You’ve had lots of good advice but I really disagree with the pp who suggest slipping away. It’s really important both for you and for her that you say goodbye before you leave. She’s too little to understand just yet but she will learn quickly that mummy says goodbye, mummy goes, and then mummy comes back. They have very little concept of time at this age.

@BarkminsterBlue why would you want to wave your child goodbye and upset? Either way the child will learn to say bye. It will be distressing for OP too.

It's much better just going to minimise the upset.

[quote Alwayswantedasmegf]@BarkminsterBlue why would you want to wave your child goodbye and upset? Either way the child will learn to say bye. It will be distressing for OP too.

It's much better just going to minimise the upset.[/quote]
In my experience the upset happens either way but if the parent slips away it is exacerbated by confusion from the child. Slipping away stores up problems for later once the child is old enough to realise what happens. Firm cheery goodbyes are important to set up positive drop-off routines.

[quote Alwayswantedasmegf]@BarkminsterBlue why would you want to wave your child goodbye and upset? Either way the child will learn to say bye. It will be distressing for OP too.

It's much better just going to minimise the upset.[/quote]
No. The parent must say goodbye. Slipping away is a dreadful thing to do. The child needs to learn that parent says bye, goes and then comes back. Slipping away would be dreadfully upsetting - the child is not being given the tools to understand how the new setup works.

I've never experienced any upset when the child gets older. By the time the child gets older the child is NOT upset they are more than happy to go off and your hold doesn't even want to wave to you. It will not scar a baby they don't rember from being 14 months

We had to change nurseries due to safeguarding and my baby was petrified of me leaving her. The first two settle sessions I stayed for her and the staff more than for me.

@BarkminsterBlue

You’ve had lots of good advice but I really disagree with the pp who suggest slipping away. It’s really important both for you and for her that you say goodbye before you leave. She’s too little to understand just yet but she will learn quickly that mummy says goodbye, mummy goes, and then mummy comes back. They have very little concept of time at this age.

Oh I could never, ever just slip away without a cuddle and kiss and goodbye! As much as I'll have to fight back the tears and probably sob as soon as I'm out of sight, I will never ever leave my baby without a goodbye. Never.

@Teaandakitkat

No you've misunderstood.

The childminder works in a team of 3. I was meaning that if the other children in her care are due to go on an outing whilst I'm there, that perhaps I could stay behind with my baby and one of the childminder team. They don't always take all the babies / children when they go out - sometimes one of them will stay behind with the smaller ones. This is what my CM was telling me when I visited.

[quote ImUninsultable]@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

She has said multiple times that she is seeing a therapist.
You can click on "see all" to just read the OP's posts.[/quote]
Thank you!

@HoboSexualOnslow

This sounds awful OP and I'm sure you weren't expecting it when you had her. So glad you have access to a good therapist. Wishing you the best

Thank you so much

@2bazookas

That's a lovely story, sound like such a supportive community

@Alwayswantedasmegf that's not true. It's very important to say goodbye or eventually your child could lose trust and end up anxious that you could leave at any time with no warning. Every expert I've read on separation anxiety says the same thing.

If you are prepared to leave your child with childminders at such a young age, you just have to get on with it, and not be contemplating all sorts of ways around it at all..

@1forAll74

If you are prepared to leave your child with childminders at such a young age, you just have to get on with it, and not be contemplating all sorts of ways around it at all..

Helpful desperate to get a wee dig in at the op.

@1forAll74

If you are prepared to leave your child with childminders at such a young age, you just have to get on with it, and not be contemplating all sorts of ways around it at all..

Bullshit. Why wouldn’t we all - like the OP is doing - strive to be the best parent we can be?

That’s like saying, “if you’re prepared to take your child for a walk in winter, just doing it - why are you asking how to get them to keep gloves on?”

OP is doing just the right thing for her baby, thinking how to get the transition right for both of them.

My childminder has just been to my house and spent an hour with my baby while I went out. We are then going to build up the hours she spends at the childminders.

@shouldistop @Cocomarine

Thank you both for your support there. I'm honestly just ignoring digs and judgemental comments about my baby going to a childminder - I said in my OP I would do just that. Posters like that are not worth my precious time and energy. I'm confident in my decision to both go back to work for our family and to take my baby to a very lovely childminder - those decisions aren't up for debate. The only part I need help with are the finer details of the transition so those are the only comments I'll be responding to.

@anxiousmummy2021 not really anything useful to add but when we had DD1 I had to return to work when she was 6 weeks old. DD went to a childminder. The CM was older, about my DMs age. She really helped me as I was struggling with PND. She gave me advice which I would probably have thrown back in DM's face but I was prepared to accept from the CM.

DD had a wonderful relationship with CM. She stayed with her for 3 years. Sometimes if I had an afternoon off work I would end up spending half of it chatting with CM. There were times I would wonder if I could send DD into work and I would stay with CM.

BTW DD1 is now 26 and survived the whole experience unscathed. I look back on that time with fondness.

Good for you @anxiousmummy2021

@Bumblenums1234

I hope not as it would be a safeguarding issue for the other children in her care.

No more so than settling in sessions at a nursery!

At nurseries my kids have been to it's been 1 hour where I stay and fill in paperwork, then a second session where I don't stay, then extend the don't stay time.

[quote Staryflight445]@ImUninsultable it isn’t odd at all. I’ve seen lots of childminders around day to day, often not even watching children.
I’ve seen a bunch of childminders chatting at softplay before with babies sat there with no food.

There’s a childminder in my area who drives around like an absolute loon, doesn’t seem to watch them closely next to busy main roads.

I wouldn’t trust a childminder personally, I’d prefer my child to be in a nursery, have access to lots of safe secure outside time and build bonds with multiple staff members.
I know I’m not the only one.[/quote]
This is not the thread for you to be airing your views about childminders. The OP is happy with her choice and does NOT need yhe added stress of your drum banging.

@Staryflight445

At the risk of dwelling on irrelevant issues ... I looked around a nursery and there was no chance in hell my baby was going there for 8 minutes let alone 8 hours. It was awful. Staff not interacting with the babies just picking them up and plonking them down in chairs etc, lots of babies looking miserable and sad, their attitude was dreadful when I asked them about keeping daily records of events / development (they referred to this as "extra paperwork"😳)... I could go on. It was depressing and I wanted to cry when I left: the childminder was such a contrast to this. So warm and friendly, the babies and small kids were going up to her all the time for cuddles and to show her what they had done suggesting a positive attachment with her, she showed me scrapbooks she had made for babies in her care to follow their journeys, she cuddled my baby and my baby smiled away at her, etc ..... It was a small, warm and homely feel, and it's perfect for my baby.

Please don't turn this thread into a debate about my childcare choices. That's not the point of it.

@anxiousmummy2021

*I'm confident in my decision to both go back to work for our family and to take my baby to a very lovely childminder^

Well done. You've done a great job of ignoring some of the not very nice posts 💐

I actually think when you have. to do it, you'll be fine. You know it's the right thing to do for your family.

I definitely think practising with DH is the way to start. Around the house at first, then going forward a walk, for coffee with a friend..start teaching DD that mummy always comes back. 'Peek A Boo' really helps with this too, (where's mummy gone, boo, here she is) babies are incredibly smart in many ways, but a bit dim in others 🤣

Babies are fine. They might cry a bit, but they soon stop, she will be fine!

I'm glad your DH is understanding & supportive. Explain about teaching DD about 'saying good bye & coming back' snd start BOTH doing it around the house.

For me, the thought of some things are worse than the reality of them. It took me many years to understand that about myself & I still have to remind myself sometimes. You might not be the same of course, but knowing yourself can help you cope with stuff.

Maybe try thinking about how excited she'll be to see you!!

I really do think you've got this though!!